The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Today, my aunt's last words to me were, "Don't be an idiot". FML

Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close the porn tab, at least, only to end up on my mom's Facebook profile. FML

Today, my husband got fired from his job as a maintenance man at our apartment complex for accidentally letting a hooker into someone's house. FML

DIY

Today, to save money, I wanted to fix my own leaky roof instead of hiring someone. When I got on the roof, the ladder fell. As it was falling, it broke three windows and snagged the siding of my house ripping over half of it off. FML

Today, I was awoken by a slug crawling down my back. FML

Stoner in disguise

Today, I found out that mishearing my boss and laughing at what I thought he said can make him think I'm high and nearly force me to submit to a drug test. FML

Today, for my birthday, my family offered to take one of my friends to the movies with me. I had to pay a random person in my class to pose as a friend of mine, so that I wouldn't look pathetic in front of my parents. She forgot my name three times. They didn't buy it. FML

Today, by request from my new boss, I came into work over an hour early to finish some backed-up filing. This seemed like a great opportunity to earn some extra overtime pay. After spending an hour and half filing, I realized I hadn't clocked in for the day. FML

Today, an old lady savagely shoved me out of a queue, after I'd been waiting for twenty minutes. I couldn't bring myself to fight back or say anything, and ended up dragging my sorry arse to the back of the queue. FML

Today, I was trying to fix a stapler, but it turns out it wasn't broken at all. It wouldn't staple a small stack of papers but had no trouble stapling through my finger. FML

Today, I got fired for being late. Apparently you're supposed to be on time after your boss specifically tells you that the office will open an hour late. FML

Today, I went to the doctor's because I could feel something solid in my breasts, and I wanted to get it checked, just to be safe. Turns out it was my ribs. Oops. FML

Today, I was on my way home from work and decided to stop at the grocery store. I purchased $200 in groceries and went to put them in my car. I then realized I drove my motorcycle today. FML

Today, I found out that my best friend's psycho ex-girlfriend has been stalking me on social media for the past few months, when she contacted me asking why I was holding hands with him in a picture from over two years ago. FML

Today, I saw Les Misérables. I was singing along to one of the songs when the guy next to me dumped his soda over my head and told me to shut up. FML

Classic

Today, I got up early to prank my family. I put a bucket of ice water on top of a door frame so whoever walked through would get an icy surprise. After I was done, I went back to bed. I woke up groggy and disoriented like always and walked right through the doorway I had rigged. FML

Today, I was playing hide and seek with my eight year old cousin. For the past two turns, he had been hiding in the bathroom. I saw the bathroom lights on, yet again, and opened the door with a triumphant "AHA!" It was my Grandma, taking a smelly dump. FML

Today, one of my friends made it to school. He has been sick recently, missing days out of the week. When I saw him, I greeted him with, "Were you dying yesterday?" Apparently he wasn't, but his grandmother really did. FML

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

Today, the nerves for my finals got so bad that I started stress-cleaning in my dream. FML

Today, I was in the elevator with my boss when I accidentally let rip the vilest, most horrifying fart of my life as we left the first floor. We stood in silence as the elevator slowly ascended to the 21st floor, leaving us to marinate in the fumes. FML

Perks

Today, I had to give a reference for a former employee. I tried to say he was always willing to give us a hand on the job. Instead, I said he was always willing to give us hand-jobs. FML

Birth certificate

Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML

Today, whilst driving to the store, an idiot driver found it to be okay to drive ridiculously fast in below freezing temperatures on the ice and snow. As he passed my car, I angrily gave him the finger. And then I realized I was wearing mittens. FML

Today, my relatives told me that when I stay at their house for the holidays, I'm no longer allowed to be out past 10 because somebody drugged my drink once. I'm a 25 year old man. FML

Today, I found out that the reason my soda always tastes funny is because my fiancé likes to mix different flavors together to see if I'll notice. FML

Today, I was working and eating. I was so tired that I bit into my pen and smeared my chocolate-filled pastry on my exercise book. FML

Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML

Don't look back

Today, I quit my job as a barista for one of our competitors with a couple of bucks more an hour. Two hours after I'd handed in my resignation, my boss approached me just to let me know that if I hadn't resigned, I would've been offered my own café. FML

Cheers

Today, for my birthday, my friend bought me a book on how to lose weight. FML