Miscellaneous: Today, I was trying to fix a stapler, but it turns out it wasn't...

By tatertotes13 - United States - West Bridgewater

Today, I was trying to fix a stapler, but it turns out it wasn't broken at all. It wouldn't staple a small stack of papers but had no trouble stapling through my finger. FML

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tatertotes13 tells us more :

OP here. Apparently this requires more explanation than I thought. The stapler was jammed so I opened the top to see if the staples were stuck. When I went to close it, the top took a lot of force to close again. My hand slipped and it sent a staple into my finger. It was an accident. I wasn't "testing it out on my finger." At the time, I was in school. I was using the only stapler in the library and it's not like I could leave school in the middle of the day to "go buy a new one." Have a little more faith in me.

Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

Family values

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By wtf - United States - Delmar

Today, my grandpa took my face in both hands, kissed me on the lips, said "Now you can tell all your friends you've had your first kiss," and walked out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Modesto

Today, my boyfriend's freshly-repainted car got keyed. He's literally more of an inconsolable wreck now than he was when his own mother passed away last year. When I tried hinting that he was overreacting, he told me to go to hell. FML

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By emisara93

Today, I chipped my tooth by biting down on my toothbrush. I don't know what hurts more: the irony or the fact I have no dental insurance until January. FML

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By Ad-s - France

Today, I got together with a small gathering of friends in a bar. I go up to the bar to order something, but with all the music and noise, the barman can't hear what I'm trying to say, so he leans forward, cocking his ear towards me. For some reason, I thought he was being friendly so I kissed him as if we were saying hello to each other. FML

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By TKDConnor92 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a 7 year old student in my martial arts class with his kicks. My reward? A surprisingly powerful kick to the testicles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sterling

Today, my 12 and 14 year olds told me they'll be doing whatever they like from now on and there will be no rules or bedtime, otherwise they'll tell their teachers that my husband and I abuse them. Where did I go wrong? FML

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By Headache - United States

Today, the "Child Care and Development" class at my high school assigned all 50 students to carry a fake baby around school all day for a week. I can't even read a page of my notes without hearing a robotic crying noise. Today is the first day. FML

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By Alyssa - Canada - Toronto

Today, I paid $50 on a haircut. Halfway through, I realized the hair dresser was drunk. FML

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By PPP - United States - Elk Grove Village

Today, I found out that my mom is doing a study and is keeping used pads in the freezer. FML

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By Anonymous. - United States

Today, the guy I've been texting told me he loved me and he couldn't wait to make me his wife, and he couldn't wait for us to have kids and grow old together. I've only known him for 3 days. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after several months of eating right, exercising, and weight loss, my mother has yet again arrived at my house, unannounced and with a very sugary cake. She's been doing this most weeks since I lost 50 pounds. FML

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By DarkMaskDiva - United States

Today, I found out the medications my doctor gave me for depression are making me fat. My main reason for depression is an eating disorder. Now, I'm fat instead of just thinking I am. FML

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By FastFlight - United States

Today, my daughter used pledge to clean the wooden staircase. I found out when I tried to walk down them in socks. FML

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By why - United States - Beachwood

Today, the family I was serving had ordered calamari and when I brought out the food, they started yelling at me because apparently their daughter was allergic to it. Just why would you order it then? FML

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By Unlucky - Australia

Today, I have both a cold and a period. Tomorrow, I will have a cold, my period and my wisdom teeth taken out. FML

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By Anonymous

Sad sad sad

Today, I caught two kids passing notes to each other in my class, so I told them to see me afterwards. When one of the kids eventually came up, I noticed he was crying. He looked up at me and sobbed out, "I was trying to make my first friend!" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my dad was fixing my wardrobe and pushed too hard, causing stuff to fall from the top shelves. I saw it happen with my own eyes, but he's dead-set convinced that it was some kind of poltergeist fucking with him, and now he doesn't want me to go in my room. FML

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By caleighrossi - United States - Ottumwa

Today, I was working my shift at our local nursing home. I was assisting a "sweet", "innocent" 100-year-old lady, and she had a bunch of used tissues balled up in her lap, so I offered to dispose of them in the waste-basket. She told me that if I touched them, she would kill everything I love. FML

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By unfortunate - United States

Today, my father informed me that I was born only because my mom lied about being on birth control. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML

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By seriously wtf - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, in my architecture class, my professor's lecture consisted of a list of movies and books which feature characters who are architects. I couldn't leave because I needed the attendance points, and it lasted 45 minutes. I paid out of state tuition for this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me for six months with my best friend of five years. After asking him what she had that I didn't, he responded with one word - "Boobies." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that the only reason my husband is taking yoga classes with me is because he wants to be flexible enough to suck his own rod. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my dad speaks to me the same way he speaks to my dog when she's done something bad. FML

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By yummy(: - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who is a great cook, decided to try his hand at baking. The cookies he made looked weird but tasted good. I jokingly said, "They taste great, but they look awful!" He responded by saying, "I could say the same thing about you." FML

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By devdevdev - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, I went on a date with this girl. Turns out she's a software developer, too. Our date became a technical discussion. FML

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By ouch - United Kingdom

Today, I was preparing for a huge party I've been looking forward to for months. I did all the usual things a girl should do, put on a facemask, painted my nails, exfoliated... I was feeling confident until I peeled off the facemask. I guess when it said "vibrant" what it meant was bright red. FML

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By newdriver - United States

Today, my mom told me to follow her car closely to my aunt's house. I kept really close to her which caused me to get pulled over for tailgating. I explained everything to the cop so he went over to my mom to see if that was the truth. My mom said she didn't know me. I got a ticket. Thanks mom. FML

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By random person - United States

Today, I finally got my laptop back after my friend broke it a few weeks ago. As I walked back into our place with my laptop in my bag, the same friend burst out and tackled me. My bag fell and slammed into the floor. Guess who has to pay for another repair. FML

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By Alicia - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was verbally harassed by a customer because I wouldn’t give her special treatment after her meal was incorrect. I offered her a refund and a coupon for a free meal, which she refused before calling me a stupid kid who wouldn’t do anything to help her. FML

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By squad - United States - Washington

My first time

Today, I lost my virginity with my boyfriend. As he was about to cum, I moaned his brother's name. I've never even met his brother and now I'm single. FML

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By randomsamm - United States - Birmingham

Alas, poor Donatello

Today, I bought a turtle after wanting one for years. I was told that he was scared, so he would be put in a box for me to take home. It wasn't until I got to my car that I noticed that they sold me a dead turtle. I'm not getting a refund because they claimed I killed it in less than 5 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Port-menier

Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML

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By HP_22 - United States

Today, I was the only employee at a video store where I work when it got robbed. After crying, shaking and spending two hours and dealing with the police, my boss called and told me it was good experience and I would know what to do next time, then made me finish my shift, the night shift, alone. FML

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By meesa in big doo do dis time!

Today, I learned that all of my "friends" refer to me as the, "Jar Jar Binks" of our circle of friends. FML

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By Starfucks - United States - Bensalem

Today, I was in Starbucks with my daughter when she noticed a travel cup she liked. She picked one up and asked for it, but I said no because it was expensive. She angrily slammed it back into its stand and in the process, knocked over a display of ceramic mugs. I had to pay for each broken mug. FML

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By kallens - United States

Today, I was putting a wristband on a little boy's wrist so he could swim in the waterpark. Just before I finished, he coughed all over my hands and arms. I finished and looked up at the boy just in time for us to make eye contact and for him to cough directly into my face. FML

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By Anonymous

Stoner Logic

Today, I've been sleeping with my drug dealer from high school who I still buy pot from for the past week. He made me go down on him a few days ago and he smelled funny but I didn't say anything. Today, he told me he only showers 2-3 times a month and he thinks he's a genius for it. FML

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By Unlucky - United States

Today, as I got up from the couch, my computer, which was next to me, fell on to my pinky toe. It fell just so that the edge of it cut my toe open. I cursed, and hobbled toward the bathroom to get a bandage. As I'm going into the bathroom, I stub said toe on the door jamb. FML

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Top comments

By wheresmymary | 22

#6574908 - Wednesday 6 April 2016 2:32

That's why we don't test out staplers on our fingers

By ForeverAnArcher | 20

#6574901 - Wednesday 6 April 2016 2:30

Oh my gosh, OP! That must have really hurt! I hope your finger gets better soon!

COMMENTS

By ForeverAnArcher | 20

#6574901 - Wednesday 6 April 2016 2:30

Oh my gosh, OP! That must have really hurt! I hope your finger gets better soon!

ChocolateScyther | 19

#6574919 - Wednesday 6 April 2016 2:37

I physically cringed reading that. Hope your finger heals up OP, but you should probably get a tetanus shot

shiba10 | 26

#6575028 - Wednesday 6 April 2016 7:17

I don't think it's that serious, you'd expect staples to be clean and not rusty haha

UserError94 | 18

#6575034 - Wednesday 6 April 2016 7:28

Maybe he was running his injured finger on a rusty pipe after..?

By tzuri4 | 11

#6574902 - Wednesday 6 April 2016 2:31

Omg you almost gave me a heart attack that's like my worst fear

By HoboMeth | 32

#6574905 - Wednesday 6 April 2016 2:32

Try opening up the stapler next time

By syki | 22

#6574906 - Wednesday 6 April 2016 2:32

You forgot that paper beats stapler but stapler beats finger.

Zelphoric | 25

#6575001 - Wednesday 6 April 2016 5:34

Thanks, I'll be sure to remember that the next time I play rock paper stapler with my friends.

By jacsoccerdude3 | 10

#6574907 - Wednesday 6 April 2016 2:32

Why wouldn't you try a single piece of paper?

SpyroMello | 29

#6574941 - Wednesday 6 April 2016 3:05

Who staples a single sheet of paper?

False_Stupidity | 41

#6574971 - Wednesday 6 April 2016 4:32

People that are testing a stapler, duh!

By wheresmymary | 22

#6574908 - Wednesday 6 April 2016 2:32

That's why we don't test out staplers on our fingers

Joisan | 20

#6574934 - Wednesday 6 April 2016 2:55

OP probably was trying to open up the stapler to check if a staple was jammed and the stapler fired by accident. Highly doubt they were deliberately trying to staple their finger.