Today, I was on my way home from work and decided to stop at...

By whoops - 11/4/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, I was on my way home from work and decided to stop at the grocery store. I purchased $200 in groceries and went to put them in my car. I then realized I drove my motorcycle today. FML

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Transportation

Basic Instinct

Deep-seated resentment

Doomed

By Mikey - 26/4/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was hanging out at my school with some friends when my mom came to pick me up. A girl I knew wanted a hug before I left. I turned around to hug her and a clip on my backpack got stuck on her tank top. I tuned away the clip pulled the shirt ripping it and exposing her naked chest. FML

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By angry - 4/11/2009 18:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on web cam to my girlfriend who was naked. She turned the web cam to point to the screen for a second and she was also on web cam with another guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2009 09:43 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I were in the middle of a heavy make-out session when his cell rang. Normally, he'd ignore it. This time however he pushed me off of him and said "Shit! It's probably my girlfriend!" I thought I was his girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2011 18:21 - United States

Today, I finished the first month of a diet and exercise program designed to help me lose weight. To keep myself motivated, I have avoided the scale the entire time. I weighed myself today. I've gained 6 pounds. FML

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By THATgirl - 26/1/2018 15:00

Today, our wedding venue canceled on us, leaving us 8 months to find another in peak foliage season. My parents contacted the local news over the ordeal, but they're using my name and picture to make me look like a whiny brat who didn’t get her way. FML

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By stuckonrepeat - 4/8/2010 20:17 - Ireland

Today, when I returned from holiday, I discovered my best friend taught my parrot dirty phrases for fun. I can't get her to shut up and my little niece and nephew are coming over in three days. FML

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By Impressionist - 25/8/2016 11:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I made quite an impression on my new bin men by forgetting to put the bin out 'til the last minute. I'm sure they enjoyed a good laugh at the woman in shorts, tank top and slippers struggling with a brolly as she slipped and slid while dragging her bin up a hill in a downpour. FML

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By alisaav - 8/8/2014 07:40 - Thailand

Today, I saw a cute guy walking out of a restaurant. When he saw me, he smiled and to be a bit flirty I bit my lip. Too bad it started to bleed like hell. FML

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By moresexperience - 11/9/2009 12:26 - United States

Today, I had dinner with my girlfriend of five months along with my mom and dad. Everything was going fine until my mom asked aloud "Everything going smooth for you in the bedroom?" to which my girlfriend replied "No." I was painting the master bedroom at my parent's house for some extra cash. FML

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By emily074 - 23/8/2015 03:13 - United States - Salem

Today, the nine year old girl I was babysitting got the hiccups, so I told her to drink some water upside down to cure them. She ended up vomiting on the floor. FML

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By killingmyselfimmediately - 7/1/2019 20:00

Today, I had the flu and couldn't go to school. My dad called in and told them that I couldn't be there because I have an itchy anus. Not only that, but my birthday's tomorrow. FML

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By Lisa - 16/12/2014 03:38 - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my 5-year-old daughter was asked by her teacher to write a letter to each member of her family to read during the holidays. Her letter to me said, "Dear mommy, come on. You could have done better than dad." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2016 18:02 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I found out how it feels when someone slips and falls while they have a hypodermic needle in your arm. FML

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By littleguy - 20/8/2009 15:55 - United States

Today, an extremely attractive woman from FedEx came to deliver my new phone. I was wearing athletic shorts and had an erection. She looked down and laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2009 18:03 - Spain

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. The waiter brought some bread and I started eating it as I waited for him to take my order. When he approached me he looked at me and said, "Don't eat too much bread honey. It'll make you fatter." Not fat, fatter. I never thought of myself as fat. FML

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By notout - 17/10/2017 15:00

Today, my 28-year-old brother screamed at me and outed me to our very religious, homophobic parents because I wouldn't let him shock his friend with an electric dog collar. FML

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By thewhompingwillow - 1/9/2012 17:56 - United States - Springfield

Today, my dog, who has been specially trained to go for help when I'm having a seizure, went to alert my parents downstairs that I was having an emergency. The "emergency" was me masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 18:14 - United States

Today, I went jet skiing with my girlfriend of four years. I intended to propose to her. The $2000 ring fell out of my pocket and into the lake. I have no idea where it is. FML

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By crossfitter - 21/5/2015 12:22

Today, I decided to get in shape for swimsuit season, so I went to the gym. I tried to lift a barbell up and over my head, which was fine, until I dropped it. Exercise earned me a concussion and a neck brace. FML

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By bdayboy - 11/1/2011 09:17 - United States

Today, some of my classmates brought cupcakes to celebrate my birthday. I took the leftovers with me after class, and when my mom picked me up from school, she asked, "What are the cupcakes for?" FML

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By Jonathan - 18/3/2011 21:40 - Denmark

Today, my mom banned me from watching The Simpsons and Family Guy because apparently, they're part of "the Devil's plan to corrupt God's children". FML

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By hubby - 8/10/2013 17:57 - United States

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones got so bad that she freaked out and threw a tantrum, accusing me of always making important decisions for her. All I did was get her some food from Taco Bell as a surprise. FML

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By Sam - 4/5/2014 06:12 - United States - Eureka

Today, my art teacher showed off a painting of his name he got in Japan. I can read Japanese, and it actually says "Old idiot". I really don't want to break it to him. FML

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By Jeslyn03 - 13/1/2012 18:57 - Canada

Today, I wandered around my property with my children, trying to find our escaped house cat. While in the more wooded parts, we spotted her on the ground, being picked over by a coyote. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2011 22:39 - United States

Today, I popped a boner while my braces were being tightened. FML

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By creedonfied - 6/11/2012 20:27 - United States - Billerica

Today, I was playing with my cat. I tried to put him on my stomach, but he refused to stay put. Ever since I lost weight, he won't lay with me or purr. I think my fat was the only thing he liked about me. FML

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By PineapplePizza - 15/8/2016 07:41 - United States - Irwin

Today, I should be starting my last year of college next week. But no. My old advisor messed up my schedule so badly that there's no way I'll graduate for another year. So I'll be in school five years for a four year program because as a freshman I thought my advisor was helping me. FML

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By sleepy - 3/12/2016 09:54 - United States - Grand Forks

Today, I was the DJ for a company party that was supposed to end at 11 p.m. The company ended up wanting music late and my boss made me stay there until they got tired, which ended up being 3 a.m. I start work at my other job at 7 a.m. FML

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By TheLifguard95 - 26/4/2016 23:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought that working as a lifeguard I would be saving lives, rescuing people and things along those lines. What do I get told to do on my first shift? Clean all the fecal matter and hair out the pool. I almost threw up. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2013 18:25 - United States - Unionville

Today, the girl of my dreams asked me if I wanted to go biking with her. "Just the two of us," she said. I had to turn her down because I'm 17 years old and never learned how to ride a bike. FML

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By :( - 27/1/2014 22:31 - Algeria

Today, I woke up after a night out partying only to find I'd wet the bed. I was so ashamed that I rolled my girlfriend into it to avoid taking the blame. FML

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By mavrick127 - 29/9/2016 14:21 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I finally had the chance to have sex with my crush. Too bad I couldn't get an erection. FML

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By mark - 31/12/2011 17:40 - United States

Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML

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By Tomatoe Face - 22/4/2014 05:31 - United States - Antioch

Today, I used a facial mask for super sensitive skin, recommended by several friends with similar skin issues. Apparently, when the warning says, "May cause some slight redness for thirty minutes", it really means, "Your face will have hives and swell to twice its normal size for several hours." FML

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By penguindude82 - 6/5/2012 07:38 - United States - Dallas

Today, I had a huge yard sale. Since I live in a good neighborhood, I decided to leave the stuff out tonight rather than pack it all in for only a few hours. The news didn't say anything about the impending severe thunderstorm. FML

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By kittkatt1 - 11/11/2013 01:52 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

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By Jpev - 12/5/2016 01:09 - United States - Huntsville

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking back to my car after a long day of work. A large SUV had parked next to mine, so I jokingly said to my girlfriend, "What do you think they're compensating for?" That's when the couple behind us unlocked their vehicle. FML

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By Cyberella - 17/7/2009 05:36 - Australia

Today, at my sister's engagement party, my cousins thought it would be funny to get my nanna drunk. They regretted it when she told them, and everyone else at the party about her sex life and how she fakes orgasms with my grandpa. FML

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By Mito - 10/9/2017 23:15

Today, we had an impromptu meeting to get to know the new additions to the team. They asked me to introduce myself. I started a year ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2010 17:06 - Canada

Today, while waiting on the platform, a blind man asked out loud for some help getting into the subway car. I helped him through the doors and into a seat. I decided to sit down as well. Twenty minutes later, I realized I was on the wrong subway line. FML

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Top comments

By rachel13_fml | 0

#103699 - Sunday 12 April 2009 3:07

HOW DO YOU FORGET SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

By some1outthere | 0

#103716 - Sunday 12 April 2009 3:03

LOL at #3. Anyway, how the hell do you forget what you were driving?

COMMENTS

By killface_fml | 0

#103671 - Sunday 12 April 2009 2:53

Good job.

xocutexofunnyxo | 5

#3019852 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 6:01

GREAT job.

By Ptvlover | 0

#103673 - Sunday 12 April 2009 2:51

Omg. Exhilarating

keetlover | 0

#1240026 - Saturday 14 August 2010 9:31

just eat all the groceries there, than poop it out when you get home! I know I am brilliant!

Yes_Im_Beast | 0

#2765965 - Monday 27 June 2011 1:12

^^LOL(:

By Katers22 | 0

#103681 - Sunday 12 April 2009 2:54

That's not even an FML... that's just a... wow, how stupid! So... WHS.

By Scribble | 0

#103687 - Sunday 12 April 2009 2:54

first

brokenbitch13 | 0

#1646785 - Thursday 4 November 2010 1:03

fail.

MwahFMLS | 6

#3333142 - Friday 23 September 2011 12:54

4th.

By k_li | 0

#103697 - Sunday 12 April 2009 3:00

LOL, thats what you get for trying to be cool.

YesyDidWhat | 0

#4514608 - Sunday 3 June 2012 4:55

k_li
Your an idiot! it's not his fault he forgot, people make mistakes.

PenguinBitch | 43

#5475659 - Thursday 2 May 2013 21:13

5-how?

By rachel13_fml | 0

#103699 - Sunday 12 April 2009 3:07

HOW DO YOU FORGET SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

By Scribble | 0

#103701 - Sunday 12 April 2009 3:01

first

B47m4n | 0

#3079739 - Wednesday 10 August 2011 18:36

fail...

By some1outthere | 0

#103716 - Sunday 12 April 2009 3:03

LOL at #3. Anyway, how the hell do you forget what you were driving?

By PeteythePENGUIN | 0

#103726 - Sunday 12 April 2009 3:05

um fake?

By king15 | 0

#103747 - Sunday 12 April 2009 3:08

CONGRATS! your officially retarded

bgibbz | 15

#3961536 - Sunday 29 January 2012 15:41

*You're

YesyDidWhat | 0

#4514613 - Sunday 3 June 2012 4:56

And your officially a jerk!

SenselessPattern | 12

#4893818 - Tuesday 4 September 2012 6:01

Still you're*. The hell am I doing posting on this old FML.

theluckyones | 10

#4912550 - Sunday 9 September 2012 19:10

Lol correcting someone's grammar from months ago.. Way to go!