Transportation: Today, I was on my way home from work and decided to stop at...

By whoops - United States

Today, I was on my way home from work and decided to stop at the grocery store. I purchased $200 in groceries and went to put them in my car. I then realized I drove my motorcycle today. FML

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Transportation

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Panic

Stuck

By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I came home from a long shift at work to find that my roommate had completely rearranged all of the furniture. Apparently the new arrangement is supposed to improve the feng shui of our apartment. My bed is in the living room. FML

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By She totally did not cheat

Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my fiancée a necklace she always wanted. She gave me herpes. FML

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3177

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By MLGreco - United States

Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML

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By Alpheas - United States

Today, a four pound can of tuna fell on my head at work, and it burst all over my clothes. Since I'm the manager, I had to stay all day reeking of tuna. Now I'm home, my damn cat won't leave me alone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dade City

Today, a radio show asked the question, "Where does the dentist live in Finding Nemo?" I called in and got through. When he asked me the question, instead of the actual answer I quickly gave out my own address over live radio. FML

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By sm702 - United States

Today, I took my mom to Victoria's Secret to help her find a bra. She made me try one on to see if it looked good on me. Turns out we have the same cup size. I'm a guy. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, my dad called me for the first time in weeks. All he wanted to tell me was that Ashlee Simpson got fired from Melrose Place. Then he hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburg

Today, my mom said if I dont get straight A's in my classes this year, she'll get the school to hold me back until I do. I believe her. FML

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By bleu_noir - United States

Today, someone at work put their used, bloodied tampon applicator back in its wrapper, and into the free tampon bin for some sucker to grab. That sucker was me. FML

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By dumped - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. Why? His best mate got dumped yesterday and my boyfriend thought it would be 'more fun' to be 'single lads together'. FML

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34283

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By DumbassRoaster - United States - Fairview

Today, I was woken up by my dad and my dog barking at each other, and my dad yelling, "I am the Alpha male!" FML

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By ByeByeBirdie - United States - Montgomery

Today, I'd had enough of the annoying bird constantly singing in the shrillest bird voice possible outside of my window, so I chased it around the yard, shooing it away, as my cat sat there and watched. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I tried fixing my dad's lawnmower after he said, "Girls can't change a lightbulb right, let alone fix a machine." An hour later, when I had the lawnmower running again, he bitched me out for trying to make him "look stupid." He's been sulking and acting pissy ever since. FML

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By noname1025 - United States - Lamar

Today, I realized my husband and I have been fighting a lot lately, so to show him how much I care, I got a tattoo with his name on it. He hates it. FML

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By resurrected - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, I collected my new timetable at college only to find I've been dropped from all my classes. I've been listed as deceased. I'm definitely not dead and have no idea how I supposedly died. FML

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By LukeyBoy - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the road when a twat on a quad-bike smashed into my leg. It seems that I should've been "walking on the right side of the pavement." FML

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By weirdo - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to send him a pic of myself being happy for his phone's caller ID. So I picked out a picture where I'm grinning a big grin, clearly very happy like he asked. He replies back, "You look weird there. Send a pretty one." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had to politely nod and say "Ah okay..." as my grandpa told me that he's not racist; he just doesn't think it's right for black men to associate with white women. He's well aware that my boyfriend is black. FML

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13343

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By sober - United States

Today, I got a text message. It said, "I'm so drunk. What you up to, girl?" It was my dad. FML

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By Anonymous

Captive

Today, while eating dinner, my girlfriend looked at me, smiled and said, "I can't tell if this is love or Stockholm Syndrome, but either way I'm happy." I'm not sure what to make of that. FML

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Where it is?

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the deed when she suddenly said, "Hold on babe, I think my nose ring fell out." After she couldn't find it for a minute, she said "I'm sure it's on the bed somewhere." Immediately after that, she yelled, "OH MY GOD I JUST SWALLOWED IT." FML

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By Roll Tide of Tears - United States

Today, on my college visit, I met a perfect girl for me, sweet, gorgeous, on the same career path. I remember everything we talked about, where she is from, what sport she plays, and her recent internship. But when I went to look her up online, I couldn't remember one thing, her name. FML

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By Megan - United Kingdom - Neath

Today, I was forced to listen and politely nod with a smile on my face, as my boss droned on and on, explaining that everything in the universe is slowly getting bigger, aside from him, because he's never felt so short before. FML

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By AW

Today, my husband and I are both suffering from food poisoning. He has horrible, raging, rank smelling, explosive diarrhea; I am vomiting every 15 minutes. We have one bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my phone back after bringing it in to get a crack in the screen repaired. The crack is fixed, but now the touch screen doesn't work and it won't connect to the Internet. I essentially paid to have my phone broken even more. FML

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By RejectRaven

Economy, schmeconomy

Today, I got my first paycheck after getting a new job so I could pay rent. It was only $387.19, even after working overtime. My rent is $515. FML

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1867

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By Lace - United States

Today, my husband just told me that he no longer loves me but keeps me around to handle his finances. FML

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41036

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By mydadforgetsme - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewistown

Today, I am sick of watching my friend's dog while she is on vacation. In four days, this dog has shredded my mattress, peed on my couches, chewed my kitchen chairs, and attacked my dog while she slept. My friend won't answer her phone, but she does update Facebook non-stop. Ten days to go. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I mentioned on Facebook that I'll be out of town over the weekend, because I am attending my grandmother's funeral. I soon got comments saying "Pics or it didn't happen" and "Killed her for the inheritance, eh?" followed by a solitary "LOLLL". FML

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By bilol - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I'd be going on a trip to Europe. I assured him that I would never cheat on him with any European guys. He replied with, "Why would I be worried? You're not very pretty." FML

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By Cat - 2/12/2020 08:06

Always call first

Today, I went to visit my aunt who lives 6 hours away from me. Her car was missing from her driveway, but she's unemployed and barely leaves the house. Turns out, she moved in with her new boyfriend and didn't tell anyone, so I had to drive 6 hours back. FML

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By singledumbfuck

Eternally romantic

Today, my boyfriend proposed via text, after telling me that he'd slept with his step-sister. FML

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By agentile - United States

Today, my grandma was leaning over in front of me, vacuuming, while wearing a v-neck shirt. Out of instinct, I glanced at her chest. She's 75. I checked out my 75 year old grandma. FML

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By La Guigne - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I was in the break room with my colleagues and our awful boss. As ever, he was talking trash, convinced that his jokes were actually funny. The window was open, and it was chilly. As he walked by it, I mangled my words and said, "Cedric, could you please shut your mouth?" FML

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32566

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By BrokenHangLow - United States - Havelock

Today, my roommate barged into my bedroom while my girlfriend and I were getting intimate. She freaked out and spun off of me trying to cover herself. I'm now in the hospital with a fractured dingle-dangle. What did he want that was so important? To ask if he could eat last pack of Pop-Tarts. FML

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By Lyingg - United Kingdom

Today, I had a job interview. The only moment I impressed the interviewer was when I talked about drama. He started to talk about a play I hadn't seen, but I decided to agree on everything he was saying. Suddenly he said, "the play doesn't actually exist." I silently left the room. FML

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By akimbojuju - United States

Today, my pinky finger found out how much a king size bed weighs. FML

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By fishtities - United States - Dallas

Today, as a reward for starting to eating healthy, I got the squits at work. After going to the restroom, my stall didn't have toilet paper, the other two stalls didn't have any either. My boss definitely noticed too when he walked in on me with my pants around my ankles. FML

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By 2classicNot2 - United States

Today, feeling social, I went to a bar. During a trip to the dimly lit restroom, I fixed my makeup, and carefully penciling my sparse eyebrows. After an evening of meeting new people, I went home. In my well-lighted restroom, I discovered that my eyebrow pencil was actually my bright red lip liner. FML

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Top comments

By rachel13_fml | 0

#103699 - Sunday 12 April 2009 3:07

HOW DO YOU FORGET SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

By some1outthere | 0

#103716 - Sunday 12 April 2009 3:03

LOL at #3. Anyway, how the hell do you forget what you were driving?

COMMENTS

By killface_fml | 0

#103671 - Sunday 12 April 2009 2:53

Good job.

xocutexofunnyxo | 5

#3019852 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 6:01

GREAT job.

By Ptvlover | 0

#103673 - Sunday 12 April 2009 2:51

Omg. Exhilarating

keetlover | 0

#1240026 - Saturday 14 August 2010 9:31

just eat all the groceries there, than poop it out when you get home! I know I am brilliant!

Yes_Im_Beast | 0

#2765965 - Monday 27 June 2011 1:12

^^LOL(:

By Katers22 | 0

#103681 - Sunday 12 April 2009 2:54

That's not even an FML... that's just a... wow, how stupid! So... WHS.

By Scribble | 0

#103687 - Sunday 12 April 2009 2:54

first

brokenbitch13 | 0

#1646785 - Thursday 4 November 2010 1:03

fail.

MwahFMLS | 6

#3333142 - Friday 23 September 2011 12:54

4th.

By k_li | 0

#103697 - Sunday 12 April 2009 3:00

LOL, thats what you get for trying to be cool.

YesyDidWhat | 0

#4514608 - Sunday 3 June 2012 4:55

k_li
Your an idiot! it's not his fault he forgot, people make mistakes.

PenguinBitch | 43

#5475659 - Thursday 2 May 2013 21:13

5-how?

By rachel13_fml | 0

#103699 - Sunday 12 April 2009 3:07

HOW DO YOU FORGET SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

By Scribble | 0

#103701 - Sunday 12 April 2009 3:01

first

B47m4n | 0

#3079739 - Wednesday 10 August 2011 18:36

fail...

By some1outthere | 0

#103716 - Sunday 12 April 2009 3:03

LOL at #3. Anyway, how the hell do you forget what you were driving?

By PeteythePENGUIN | 0

#103726 - Sunday 12 April 2009 3:05

um fake?

By king15 | 0

#103747 - Sunday 12 April 2009 3:08

CONGRATS! your officially retarded

bgibbz | 15

#3961536 - Sunday 29 January 2012 15:41

*You're

YesyDidWhat | 0

#4514613 - Sunday 3 June 2012 4:56

And your officially a jerk!

SenselessPattern | 12

#4893818 - Tuesday 4 September 2012 6:01

Still you're*. The hell am I doing posting on this old FML.

theluckyones | 10

#4912550 - Sunday 9 September 2012 19:10

Lol correcting someone's grammar from months ago.. Way to go!