Animals: Today, I was awoken by a slug crawling down my back. FML - FML

By slugitha - United States

Today, I was awoken by a slug crawling down my back. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, my dad sat me down for a talk. After the talk, he wasn't my dad anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got nearly kicked out of the room I rent because I refuse to close my curtains at night. Apparently, my landlady thinks it doesn't look nice when people pass by and look. My room is on the third floor and I just want to see the stars. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, just 1 month after giving me a bracelet with an infinity symbol on it for Christmas, my boyfriend of three years ended everything out of the blue. That was a short infinity. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to take our first shower together. When he came into the room, he had swimming trunks on. FML

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By Anonymous

Call the FBI on her ass

Today, I got home from work to I find my cash box open and empty. My mom walked up and said, "If you have a lock that easy to pick, you don't deserve the money." There was 650 dollars in there. She refuses to give it back. FML

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By Uh oh... - United States

Today, my boyfriend of almost two years and I broke up. Earlier, we scheduled our classes for senior year to match perfectly. Can't wait. FML

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By Anonymous

Ball Is Life

Today, my wife tried to be sexy by climbing on top of me wearing nothing but a thong. Unfortunately, her knee came down in just the wrong spot and I passed out instantly from the pain of my testicle rupturing. I'm in hospital now recovering from the removal surgery. FML

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By StrawberryJuicey - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get sized. I put the card that says my size in my pocket, then went to the movies with my boyfriend. When the person at the counter asked me to hand them my ticket, I reached into my pocket and handed it to them. It wasn't the ticket. It was my bra size. FML

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By Musicfan - United States

Today, my car was broken into, and they stole all my CDs, but left my daughter's Black Eyed Peas CD behind. I'm pretty pissed about the theft, but almost glad to see that the delinquents in my town have a decent taste in music. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend told me she was bored. During sex. FML

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By Greenskies - France - Corneilla-del-vercol

Today, I was talking to my boss at the end of an awesome internship. He said he was really satisfied with my work, and that he had considered hiring me. Turns out he decided not to because I smile too much and it unnerves him. FML

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By Shouldn'taWornaThong - United States - Tempe

Shouldn't have worn a thong...

Today, while shopping at my local grocery store, a young boy came up behind me and pulled my pants down while snickering. I was so shocked and horrified that I dropped the f-bomb. His mother yelled at me for "ruining his innocence". FML

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By peachesthepigeon - United States

Today, at work, I helped out an employee who was having trouble. I even bought her a bottle of water. After the production manager decided to fire her on the spot, she went out in the parking lot and broke into several cars, including mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 02:01

Empty gestures

Today, my boss held a staff meeting to talk about how the Covid-19 pandemic has made us stronger, that all of us are family. Later, my car broke down after work, she drove by, saw me stranded on the road and we made eye contact. I thought she was going to help me, but she drove right. FML

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By apparentlyweird

Haters Gonna Hate

Today, my dad's new girlfriend's daughter came over with them. She had a tantrum because my brand new computer, which I worked and saved for, was better than her notebook, which was bought for her. So what did she do? Oh, she threw it off my desk. For some reason I'm being yelled at. FML

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By blind eyes

Today, I went to get Lasik eye surgery. Beforehand, they give you an anxiety control pill because you're conscious during the operation. Guess who is immune to the pill and now has to get checked for anxiety disorders before rescheduling the surgery. FML

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By Nightsong - Germany - N?rnberg

Today, I saw a ridiculously hot guy dining with his family. I decided not to flirt with him with his parents around but to ask his sister (who went to the restroom) to give him my phone number. When I came back, I saw her pointing a finger at me, and the whole family turning around and staring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother told me to, "Stop bitching and get over it" after I complained of pain from my stomach after invasive surgery. This from the guy who spends multiple hours a day playing Halo and whining about the stupid ways he got killed. FML

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By pissedexworker - United States

Today, I found out that being rushed unconscious to the hospital and missing work qualifies you for termination if you don't call in, even if you have a note from the ER doctor. FML

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By IlikeGreenPlants - United States

Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML

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By epicfail - United States

Today, I went to a local concert. The singer from my favorite band stage-dived and I got to catch him. Unfortunately I was the only one to catch him. The next thing I know I'm pinned between him and the concrete floor as he finishes whatever part of the song he was on. He was fine, I hit my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silver Spring

Birthday gift

Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea to bring my obnoxious ex to my birthday party. FML

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By raaquel - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years has been cheating on me with a Realtor. The same Realtor who helped me sell my condo so I could move in with my boyfriend. FML

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By mfnfhdjdjddjsjfn - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was in a terrific mood after finding a bouquet of beautiful flowers on my doorstep when I came home. That is, until I recognised the handwriting of my "secret admirer" was the same as my mother's. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 05:05

Quite the catch

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 3 years has been cheating on me with more guys than I can count on one hand. I'm not sure what's worse, realizing this only after she's moved in, realizing two of the guys were my close friends, or realizing I'd given up my dream career for this. FML

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By PhDdaughter - Switzerland

Today, the electrician came because our kitchen light has been flickering. After examining the installation, he screws the lightbulb tighter in the socket. My parents both are PhDs. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was out on a date with a guy. His hot co-worker came to have a beer with us, and I knew my best friend would think he was gorgeous. I wanted to take a picture of him without knowing, so i tried to hold up my phone and pretend to be texting. The flash went off. FML

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By NotHauteCouture - United States

Today, we had our annual office Christmas party. The theme of the party was "Ugliest Sweater". The winner was a sweater that I have an exact replica of in my closet. It's my favorite 'special occasion', 'family portrait' and 'holiday' sweater. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kapolei

Today, I woke up to my friend stroking my face with the bottom of his foot and whispering, "Shh, you're okay." FML

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By NotAnExcuse - United States

Today, a woman on the train demanded I give up my seat for her, claiming it was for people with disabilities. Tired from a long day at work, and seeing she had nothing wrong with her, I asked what her disability was. Apparently, obesity is one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a customer dumped a hot chocolate on me and yelled, saying it wasn't his order. The order actually belonged to a 4-year-old boy with the same name who started screaming when he didn't get his chocolate. FML

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By aarong - United States - Tampa

Spotified

Today, I found my daughter's "sex songs" playlist. I was more disappointed by her poor taste in music than the fact that she is already sexually active. FML

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By HotelClerk - United States

Today, somebody stopped by the front desk at the hotel I work at to report a vehicle had its headlights on. I wrote down the info, including the plate. Hours later, after my shift was over, I finally realized that it was MY vehicle. The battery was dead. FML

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By hahahaha91 - United States

Today, I woke up excited for my trip to Jamaica with my friends. We went to the airport, and I gave them my passport to check in. They gave it back. It had expired three weeks ago. I watched my friends board the plane while I'm stuck in the city. FML

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By jobless1

Today, I went to an important job interview, only to be told I'm not what such a "prestigious" company was looking for. This from a pimply-faced 20-something who took a personal call on speakerphone mid-interview, and actually said "lmao" out loud at his friend's joke. FML

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By aurelj1 - United States - Colleyville

Today, I went out to dinner with my mom and several of her friends. My mom spent the entire night gushing about my Ivy League school and med student boyfriend. I attend a state university and am single. She threatened to cut me off if I didn't play along. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell and impaled my leg on a steel rod at work. The first guy to respond to my agonised cry for help must’ve been a total moron because he thought it was a prank and yanked on the rod to see how it worked. Then he asked if I did it on purpose to get a day off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Gate

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me over Facebook. Unfortunately, she "accidentally" posted it on my wall instead of sending me a message, so the whole world could see it. My mom liked her post. FML

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By Declan - 4/12/2020 21:58 - United States - Miami

A case of Keemstar beard?

Today, I finally got my boyfriend to go get his lockdown beard trimmed. He came back with the kind of pointy monstrosity you see on people like Keemstar. I'm tempted to prune it in his sleep. FML

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By 1234567898765432 - Canada

Today, I was going to a stoplight party. Green shirt=single, yellow=hard to get and red=taken. I show up wearing a red shirt and I see my boyfriend in a green shirt. Thinking it was a mistake, I ask him jokingly why he isn't wearing red. He looks at me weird and says, "Oh, you didn't get my text?" FML

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Top comments

By jlang917 | 14

#6560591 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 17:28

In a slimy situation OP?

By holly_fly | 34

#6560585 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 17:27

I'm so sorry. But hey, at least you don't have a cat that tried to attack it while on your back or something right? Just take a nice long shower. :)

COMMENTS

By holly_fly | 34

#6560585 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 17:27

I'm so sorry. But hey, at least you don't have a cat that tried to attack it while on your back or something right? Just take a nice long shower. :)

By riyaap13 | 17

#6560590 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 17:28

cringecringecringecringecringe

Reply

warrior2 | 20

#6560784 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 22:35

All the cringe

By jlang917 | 14

#6560591 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 17:28

In a slimy situation OP?

Reply

hellnosucka | 27

#6560698 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 20:09

more like a rude awakening.

By Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6560592 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 17:28

Were you camping or do you just have a lot of wildlife in your home?

By anonymous198913 | 26

#6560594 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 17:28

I'd move far, far away from there... Sorry that happened OP

Reply

sparkledoge | 29

#6560686 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 19:48

Um, it's just a slug. It might look a little disgusting to some people but it's not going to kill someone, i think OP will be just fine after a shower.

By EnderHorse | 17

#6560595 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 17:29

Well then.

By katie1243 | 16

#6560597 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 17:29

The only thing more terrifying than this would be if you rolled over onto it. But hey at least it wasn't a spider right?

By Shadowbay | 18

#6560598 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 17:32

At least you woke up before it reached it's possible destination ;)

By Hakosuko | 8

#6560599 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 17:34

What a sluggish start to the day. No? Okay, I'll let myself out.

Reply

hellobobismyname | 24

#6560706 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 20:21

Well hurry up now. Don't move so sluggishly!

By The_ghetto_mango | 25

#6560600 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 17:35

It creeps! It crawls! It's the Slug!