Transportation: Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer...

By FakeID - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

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Transportation

Instadrama

Genius, definitely

Just a prank, bro!

By Whoops - United States

Today, at my job in a nursing home, the State Department of Health inspected us, during which a dementia patient repeatedly screamed that I always hurt her. This was the first time that I'd ever seen her. FML

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By Anonymous

Mind your own business

Today, I heard a man call a girl a r*tard. Furious, I stormed up to him and demanded he apologize for using such a vile slur. The girl started laughing her ass off and said, "Mind your own business, r*tard." FML

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By uhoh - Canada - Sechelt

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend. He put me up against the wall and I yelled, "Harder!" without thinking. I heard the entire house go silent, my dad and his friends included. FML

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By naughtyshirt - Australia

Today, my husband came home from shopping with my 4 year old daughter and showed me a shirt she picked out herself. The shirt read "My mom's easy i'm living proof." Apparently she just liked the colours and her father agreed. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally met the cute guy I've been seeing around town. Bad news is, I was drunk off my ass, and when he told me his name, I burst out laughing because it's the same as my puppy's. He did not take it well. FML

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By crazymuch - Canada

Today, I talked to my boss about the fact that I have been diagnosed as bipolar and I am having a really hard time with it. He told me to look on the bright side, now that I'm crazy I will never have to do Jury Duty. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 11:01

Pull!

Today, my tie-rod snapped, forcing me into a parked car. The wheel literally flew off my car. FML

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By kel - United States

Today, in between the passing times at school, one of my classmates opened the door to my next class, so I turned to tell him thank you. Apparently, he was opening it for the teacher who was leaving. I collided with her and her very hot cup of coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - Macedonia

Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Burwood

Today, I overheard my 14-year-old daughter telling her friend that she's saving money to get her hymen surgically removed so her first time won't hurt. FML

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By Kronic - United States

Today, I went shopping with my two sons and my wife. We got separated after a while, and I spotted my son in the video game section of the store. I snuck up behind him and playfully slapped him on the back of the head. The kid turned around and it wasn't my son. His mom was none to happy. FML

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By pain - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a splinter in my shop class. The teacher dug at it with tweezers for a while, then told me that my best bet would be to wait until the wound got infected and formed a bunch of pus around the splinter to force it out. It's in my dominant hand's palm. FML

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By Nick Pat

Today, I took my dad out shopping. I managed to pull into a really cramped parking spot and said, "Man, that was a tight squeeze." My dad then looked me in the eyes and said, "So was your mom." FML

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By drreeeewwww - United States - Salem

Today, I found out that my dog likes to howl when he hears sirens. I live next to the fire station. FML

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By 41k312

Today, while joking with my coworkers about how I shouldn't be trusted with a stapler because I managed to accidentally staple my finger last week, I stapled another finger. FML

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By badboyfriends - United States

Today, my best friend got a new boyfriend. She asked him what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, and he said he just wanted to hang out with her and watch a movie or two. I thought it was sweet, so I asked my boyfriend what he would like for his upcoming birthday. He said a blow job. FML

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By fanaticalfuckspawn - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I told my mom I've been taking yoga lessons, and that it'd be cool if she took some with me. She immediately went on a rant, calling yoga "satanic" and accusing me of trying to get her into "devil worship". Well, that's the last time I try to patch our relationship up. FML

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By Rohirus - Sweden

Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML

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By pa - United States

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

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By inthecold - United States

Today, I went to a party 40 minutes away by bus with some friends. We missed the bus, waited half an hour for the second, and arrived just in time to hear the policemen say, "Party's over. Get outta here." FML

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By moweezy9 - United States

Today, I finally taught my mom how to text message people. Now I get a message from her every 30 seconds saying "Hi". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was feeling really down, so I texted my boyfriend, hoping to get some emotional support. He texted me back twenty minutes later, asking for nude pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML

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By MDpending - United States

Physician, heal thyself

Today, just 8 months away from graduating medical school, I successfully diagnosed myself with basal cell carcinoma. At least all that studying is paying off. FML

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By Creepedout - United States - Wilson

Today, an obese man decided it was okay to share a urinal with me. FML

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By IPicasso

Today, my brother sent me over a dozen screenshots from his phone, because he couldn't work out why it wasn't capturing all the paint he'd managed to smear on the screen. FML

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By laurenmichela - United Kingdom

Today, I coughed so much I threw up, then whilst recovering from throwing up, a fly flew into my mouth and I ate it. I then promptly threw up again. FML

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By AdriftInTheSeaOfPaperwork - Germany - Dachau

Today, after waiting well over a month for a work visa in Germany that should only have taken 3 weeks to come through, I finally received my long-awaited answer. Unfortunately, that answer was "We lost your paperwork." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 05:02

Bye bye Tiddles

Today, while I was driving around the neighborhood, I passed my neighbors' house only to see their dog with a full-grown dead cat in its mouth. Only one family owns a cat in our neighborhood. FML

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By Shitty day - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, while explaining to a group of kids that monkeys are very intelligent creatures, one of them flung poo in my face. FML

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By angry - Australia

Today, I went camping with my husband. We drove 11 hours to his favourite site before he remembered he didn't put the tent in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. My boyfriend is no fan of fatherhood, so it was with some hesitation that I called him and let him know I'm pregnant. He replied, "Like hell you are!" and hung up. He now refuses to answer any of my calls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a plane with my grandma. A cute guy sat down next to her. She asked his age. He told her he was 16. She said, "Oh, that's how old my granddaughter here is." She then turned to me and said loudly, "You should switch seats with me, he's HOT!" Well, at least Grandma loves me. FML

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By okay then - United States - Avon Lake

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he found out my birthday is the same day as his, and he thinks we are twins who were separated at birth. FML

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By itsjustwill - United States - Puyallup

Today, our company's owner's son took over. The first thing he did? Fire me. Why? He said my sales are down. I work in Public Relations. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML

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By Kevin

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I "always wear that stupid little hat." I'm Jewish. FML

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By Anon - Canada

Selfish

Today, my mom yelled at me because I refused to lend her money. The reason I won't lend her money? The last time I did, she and my dad went out and bought a Macbook and a new car instead of paying bills. Apparently, I'm being 'selfish' by keeping my own money and putting it towards university. FML

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By Target - United States

Today, while waiting for my order at a restaurant, a woman walked up to me and slapped me. She looked at me for a moment and said "Sorry, I thought you were someone else." Ten minutes later, the same woman came back and slapped me again. FML

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By thanksjill - United States

Today, our school went to an elementary school to read to the kids. One of the girls in my group asked me if she could switch into another group, so I asked her what was wrong with mine. She said, "Nothing, I wanna be in her group. She's prettier." I was insulted by a kindergartner. FML

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Top comments

By stkeepsitreal | 0

#175355 - Thursday 7 May 2009 0:46

haha iv done that but my fake is the same pic and same info on it, the only thing different is the year i was born, i hella got away with it thank god! Giggidy giggidy!

By maddybee111 | 0

#175347 - Thursday 7 May 2009 0:44

smart.

COMMENTS

By manoverboard | 0

#175343 - Thursday 7 May 2009 0:44

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET.
Don't you watch Secret Life of the American Teenager?

DamnDatFML | 0

#976848 - Friday 9 April 2010 13:18

In Soviet Russia we are told what to watch

sapiano | 0

#1093533 - Thursday 15 July 2010 15:56

smooth move x- lax

Teyros | 24

#4176004 - Saturday 17 March 2012 1:37

Mclovin would be so ashamed.

DerrickJames | 33

#5363029 - Monday 11 February 2013 9:35

1 - No.. No one does.

By maddybee111 | 0

#175347 - Thursday 7 May 2009 0:44

smart.

By lolbitch | 0

#175349 - Thursday 7 May 2009 0:45

Haha!!

By stkeepsitreal | 0

#175355 - Thursday 7 May 2009 0:46

haha iv done that but my fake is the same pic and same info on it, the only thing different is the year i was born, i hella got away with it thank god! Giggidy giggidy!