Intimacy: Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/05/2016 16:59 - United States - Harker Heights

Spicy

Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close the porn tab, at least, only to end up on my mom's Facebook profile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 252

You deserved it 6 638

Broken heart

Animal lover

In shape

By Anonymous - 06/04/2015 16:18 - United States

Today, I spent my last $50 to get a ticket to take my daughter out for a nice birthday dinner tonight. It wasn't until after I purchased it that I realized the restaurant isn't even open on Mondays. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 840

You deserved it 5 548

By LonelyHeart - 22/10/2009 12:09 - United States

Today, I surprised my boyfriend at work, only to notice that his neck was covered in hickies. The night before, he texted me saying he needed alone time to get his mind together. Looks like he got together with another mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 645

You deserved it 3 320

That's… sexy

By Anonymous - 03/02/2021 01:01 - Mexico - Iztacalco

Spicy

Today, my wife threw up in the middle of sex, then fell asleep right after. I didn't even finish and it'd been over a month since the last time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 987

You deserved it 277

By anonymous - 18/03/2011 07:35

Today, I went to the airport to start the amazing 3 week vacation in Costa Rica that I've been saving for and planning for more than a year. They wouldn't let me on the plane because my passport expires in less than 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 161

You deserved it 13 819

By wtf - 16/05/2014 22:25 - Australia - Narangba

Spicy

Today, I started watching porn in my room with the volume muted. A minute later, my dad knocked on the door, so I closed everything and called him in. He just said, "Son, you disgust me." and walked out. Now I'm too paranoid to use my own computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 497

You deserved it 14 924

By Anonymous - 17/02/2016 13:16 - Canada - Brossard

Today, I sent an email to my teacher asking if a source was a primary source, he replied yes. I got my grade back for my essay and it was worse than I expected. My teacher said it was because I didn't use a primary source. I showed him the email, to which he replied, "Well, I was wrong in the email." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 441

You deserved it 1 779

By Umidknickname - 17/06/2017 16:00

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going away for the weekend to go clubbing with his mates. I would be fine with it, except the mates he's going with already tried to get him to cheat on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 836

You deserved it 475

By disgruntled stepdaughter - 06/03/2013 19:11 - United States - Reno

Today, my step-mom stole over $100 in cash from me, dumped dirty cat litter all over my clean bed sheets, and called me a whore for having a polite conversation with my boyfriend. I confronted my father about it. He told me to forgive her, because she's "on her period." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 472

You deserved it 2 706

Good one, thanks

By MarkTheShark - 12/12/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, I left work to find a note on my windshield that read, "I think you're cute," with a phone number written down as well. I got super excited and immediately dialed. The phone was answered by a woman laughing hysterically. It was my Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 818

You deserved it 6 834

By Anonymous - 01/05/2013 18:41 - United States - Downey

Spicy

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 814

You deserved it 58 711

By Anonymous - 19/09/2010 14:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband keeps in contact with the woman he was infatuated with in high school. He texts her more than he texts me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 374

You deserved it 4 198

By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 16:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I was waiting for my food at McDonald's. I watched the most obese, sweaty man sneeze into the chips, wipe his nose on his hand and use his hand to shovel chips into a bag. They were my chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 751

You deserved it 5 512

Love is love

By anonymous-canada - 07/12/2010 05:28

Today, I was working a midnight shift when a guy came in drunk and was trying to get me to come home with him. I said I had a boyfriend. As I said this, my manager, who has no teeth and B.O, said he was my boyfriend. I will never live this down with my co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 790

You deserved it 4 270

By Anonymous - 06/01/2011 06:34 - United States

Today, I was feeling sick but went into my waitressing job because I'd already missed 3 days this week. I was dizzy and managed to spill a tray of drinks all over the customers. Then, when their food was done, I tripped and spilled hot chili all over the man's lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 956

You deserved it 11 921

By cuntsmom - 24/09/2013 04:47 - United States

Today, my niece, who is fifteen, convinced my six-year-old daughter that her name is spelled C-U-N-T, and just pronounced as Catherine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 476

You deserved it 3 439

Start worrying

By Lissa - 13/01/2021 01:58

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend doesn’t have me as a pinned text message thread on his phone. But he definitely has his female best friend pinned. He even has a cute nickname for her. The girl he says, "Not to worry about." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 001

You deserved it 219

Greed

By Anonymous - 27/09/2020 20:03

Today, my husband told me he wants a $600 birthday gift. He doesn't understand why I said that wasn't happening, and is now mad at me. Not only can we not afford that, he only spent less than $10 on my birthday gift last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 370

You deserved it 113

By Anonymous - 09/03/2011 16:07 - Canada

Today, I went on a dinner date with the guy I like. He ate all his food then started eating off my plate, going on to eat over half of my food. When the bill came, he made me pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 158

You deserved it 7 429

By AlwaysTired - 14/09/2016 14:57 - United States

Today, marks the third time this month my parents came to visit. I moved 5 hours away to get away from them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 075

You deserved it 1 521

Stalker or coincidence?

By Jenny - 08/05/2020 05:00

Today, I went grocery shopping at the store near my house. Upon checking out, I look up to see that my cashier is none other than the woman I went on a date with a few months ago, and whose calls and texts I ignored after she began to obsess over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 337

You deserved it 671

By Me - 12/01/2010 05:11 - United States

Today, we got our family pictures back from the printers. I complained to my mom about the ones she picked. "Oh don't worry," she said. "I had them photoshop out your gut." I was talking about my smile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 064

You deserved it 3 657

By Anonim23 - 15/08/2019 20:00

Today, the spiders in my house are so big that they catch wasps in their webs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 523

You deserved it 215

Social anxiety sucks

By m…… - 09/04/2021 21:30

Today, it’s the third anniversary of me not being able to finish a single sentence when speaking in person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 115

By Insanity - 09/04/2015 05:28 - France - La Poste

Today, I managed to get my 4-year-old son to agree that, "cigarettes are poop." I was a lot less proud of myself when he pointed at a 6-foot bodybuilder-type dude in the subway and yelled, "That man smells of pooooooop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 090

You deserved it 7 728

Almost there

By Anonymous - 31/03/2012 12:35 - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, I took a very expensive flight to New York City for a job interview. I waited in my hotel room all day for the phone call to go to my once in a lifetime interview. By noon, I was nervous; eight, I was pissed. Around ten, I realized my phone was still in airplane mode. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 495

You deserved it 23 403

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 04:20 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because he doesn't need a job. It turns out he plans to get a life sentence in prison and live the rest of his life at the taxpayers' expense. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 195

You deserved it 3 757

By ZaraAce - 15/04/2011 11:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband of 30 years told me that he thought we should 'just be friends'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 087

You deserved it 4 741

By roomatewoes - 01/04/2013 00:45 - United States - Northfield

Today, I came back to my dorm to find my roommate forgot to get rid of her massive amounts of cheese before break. She did, however, remember to unplug the refrigerator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 628

You deserved it 2 100

By Coco - 19/04/2016 20:58 - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, I invited my sister to my wedding. She is not coming, because I didn't reply to her email three years ago. The one she sent to my whole family, saying that I was a dangerous psychopath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 237

You deserved it 1 466

By Misunderstood - 08/02/2009 05:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a few notes from this girl I like at school for 2 years telling me she feels the same way. My dad knocks on the door and I panic and say "Hold on!". I shoved them under my pillow then told him to come in. He said "Son, it's perfectly normal to masturbate." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 908

You deserved it 11 550

By wheresthelove - 30/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, I came home to find my Dad cheating on his new wife of six weeks. With my own mother who was supposedly dating "a real catch". Should I be happy that my parents love each other or pissed off that they're both whores? I can't decide. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 859

You deserved it 3 043

By Kris - 06/12/2010 20:31 - United States

Today, I found my iPhone. Too bad it was when I was getting my clothes out of the washer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 118

You deserved it 29 124

By random875 - 07/01/2015 06:03 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. I called the fire department and told them where I was. They said they'd be right there and not to panic. It's hour 6. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 219

You deserved it 2 468

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 18:00

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 727

You deserved it 847

That's tasty

By shithole - 26/12/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, my dad and I found in my house a water filter that has not been changed in over 20 years. We have been drinking that water that has been going through a filter that had more colors than a rainbow on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 081

You deserved it 9 132

By Anonymous - 02/05/2014 19:51 - United States

Today, I was told that I'm very likely to win the "Most Likely to Exceed 5 Cats" yearbook award. My best friend said, "They wanted it to be 'Most Likely to Die Alone', but it was a bit harsh". Someone else added, "It's still pretty likely, though". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 687

You deserved it 4 439

By WWJD - 01/03/2017 12:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and I lustfully requested we try doggy style this time. He responded, "No, Jesus wouldn't like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 193

You deserved it 1 570

By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 15:32 - Canada

Today, I went downtown with my friends. A group of guys came up to us and started hitting on everyone but me. Then, one of them said: "Do you girls hang out with her to make yourselves look better?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 764

You deserved it 3 847

By addicted2v - 21/01/2012 13:25 - United States

Today, I found out the guy that my girlfriend introduced as her brother was actually her boyfriend. I also paid for him to come out with us to the movies several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 819

You deserved it 4 126

By Cherub - 03/05/2009 22:16 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day. It was meant to be perfect. The bouquet, along with a high pollen count, set my hay fever off. I walked down the aisle in front of 200 people with streaming eyes and a runny nose; I then had a sneezing fit during my vows and blew a large snot bubble. Real attractive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 991

You deserved it 7 792

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:07

There's no way that could have gone worse

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:09

The real problem is if he questioned you or not.

Comments

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:07

There's no way that could have gone worse

Dave_Davington 33

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:18

Not necessarily. It could've been his brother's Facebook page.

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Saturday 21 May 2016 11:40

I agreed with #1 until I saw your reply #9 the actual cringe on my face, god bless his soul had that happened to op

DeMamp 15

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Saturday 21 May 2016 13:16

well, he could have killed his grandma with his semen...

thatweirdasian 22

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Saturday 21 May 2016 17:59

#13 ..... Dafuq?

DeMamp 15

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Sunday 22 May 2016 12:17

Has nobody seen American Pie these days? smh

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Sunday 22 May 2016 13:13

yeah it could've been, it could have been his mom walking in and seeing that

RoboCunnilingus 23

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Sunday 22 May 2016 16:39

He could have walked in right as OP finished. OP, being afraid of someone just barging in, swiftly turns around, bada bing bada boom, brother is a toaster strudel.

YourGrammarSucks 12

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Sunday 5 June 2016 7:17

It could have been his dad walking in on him jerking it to the mom's Facebook page...

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Wednesday 28 June 2017 12:20

Lol i always close my dick first. i dont get why showing off genitals is better then showing off the porn sites. xD

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:08

Maybe lock the door next time?

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:18

Not all bedroom doors have locks, mine doesn't.

MikaykayUnicorn 36

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:34

I wasn't allowed to have a lock on my door for the longest time. Also OP, just leave it on the porn if you're caught jacking. It's better to be seen as a normal person who jacks to porn than a person who jacks to their mom or the news (because MSN is my homepage as well as many people I know, so if you just open a new page to cover the old it's gonna look like you were jacking to the news and that's not normal.)

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Saturday 21 May 2016 14:57

Make sure someone knocks before he/she enters your bedroom. :)

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Saturday 21 May 2016 15:28

#13 depends on the kids be of porn he was watching. There's some things out there that are a lot harder to explain.

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Saturday 21 May 2016 16:01

Why is this comment down voted? It's good advice...

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Saturday 21 May 2016 17:45

You might as well just say "hey I'm jerking off" because that's what they'll think when they try to get in.

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Saturday 21 May 2016 19:57

Exactly. Respect his privacy.

taymichele16 15

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:08

Try locking the door next time

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:09

The real problem is if he questioned you or not.

Earl_KarmasBitch 29

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:09

Could have been worse. Could have been your brother's profile.

emeraldarcher74 30

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:15

"Ooooh, yahh. Hashtag hot loading. Ooooohhh, emojis. MOAR HASHTAG! THE PEOPLE LIKED THIS!!! OOOOOOAAAAAHHHHHH" Like and share if you don't want this to happen to you.

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:34

Idiot.

emeraldarcher74 30

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:40

Yes, you are.

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:42

What are you even saying dude?

emeraldarcher74 30

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:56

References to Facebook.

fakedsincerity 32

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Saturday 21 May 2016 10:19

The fact it was Facebook wasn't the FML it was because it looked like he was jerking off to his Mother....

PackardBell_fml 19

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Sunday 22 May 2016 7:07

This isn't Instagram. You should speak English when you use this app. Otherwise, you might need to shove a dictionary down your throat so you can actually come close to speaking a language.

emeraldarcher74 30

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:17

"Ooooh, yahh. Hashtag hot loading. Ooooohhh, emojis. MOAR HASHTAG! THE PEOPLE LIKED THIS!!! OOOOOOAAAAAHHHHHH" Like and share if you don't want this to happen to you.

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:29

I think the porn would have been easier to explain.

LostInTheZone11 28

Saturday 21 May 2016 8:31

Besides locking your door, install the "PanicButton". (It works on Chrome and Firefox) It closes all tabs on your computer and puts up a start up blank search page. When pressed again it restores your tabs.

microbemaster 16

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Saturday 21 May 2016 14:19

Lifesaver

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Saturday 21 May 2016 20:33

I gotta remember this

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Saturday 21 May 2016 8:36

As long as he wasn't like, "Oh, I thought I was the only one........"

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 6

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 289

You deserved it 787

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 752

You deserved it 1 022