Today, the nerves for my finals got so bad that I started stress-cleaning... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Newville

Today, the nerves for my finals got so bad that I started stress-cleaning in my dream. FML

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Rock, hard place

Phantom pooper

Keep your distance

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad killed my pet rats. They were playing on the sofa, and he thought they were vermin. This would have been understandable if the reason he came over wasn't to meet them, and they hadn't been wearing bright pink walking harnesses. FML

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By Burned - United States

Today, I went to the beach with my friends to show off my engagement ring. I fell asleep in the sun and woke up extremely sunburnt to a text from my boyfriend confessing that he's been cheating on me. I gave him the ring back. Now I have its tan line on my finger. FML

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By Florida Girl

Today, I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time today and learned that his mom is from the same area as my dad. Before I could tell a funny story of my dad’s senior prank, his mom said during her senior year, some asshole spray-painted their school mascot on their football field. That was my dad’s senior prank. FML

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By Oops - United States

Today, I had diarrhea and shit myself. During my wedding. In my wedding dress. FML

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By replik - Russian Federation

Today, I got stuck for a while in a hallway between two security doors due to a malfunction. I'm not claustrophobic, but I sure am sensitive to horrifying smells coming from a nearby bathroom stall. FML

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By HopelessGRLF

Today, I was talking to a guy I met on a dating site, and he asked if we could meet up and what we should do. When I suggested ice-skating he told me he was in a wheelchair, so I said we could go for a walk instead. I realised my mistake the moment I sent the message. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend called me as I was getting ready for bed and asked me to pick him up from the bar. Being a loving girlfriend I drive the 45 minutes; when I get there his friend informs me he left about 45 minutes ago. FML

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By iheartexes - United States

Today, my boyfriend bailed on our one year anniversary celebration because his ex girlfriend asked him to go to a wedding with her and pose as her fake boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland

Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML

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By Eric - 14/3/2020 06:05

Shut up and take it

Today my college professor told me that I ask him too many questions. Apparently, my college tuition fee doesn't include learning. FML

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By smallfrie32

Today, I realized that 95% of my facebook friends added me only because they think my sisters are hot. FML

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By LeoCor

Today, and for the past 2 weeks, I've had a massive pain in my throat. It went down for a while with antibiotics, but when it came back I had to go to the hospital for an emergency surgery. There was a 3cm abscess growing in my throat. Happy birthday to me! FML

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By Monkeyless - United States - Providence

Today, it was confirmed that the "no pet rule" in my apartment complex is so strict that I'm not even allowed to have sea monkeys. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while stocking shelves with canned goods, a kid no older than ten ran down the aisle, knocking down everything in his path. He was followed by his mother who was laughing hysterically. FML

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By S

Today, the district manager visited. Also today, I got called into the office to talk about "personal hygiene". The assistant store manager asked me if I had some kind of medical problem and advised me to shower regularly because my co-workers have been making comments. FML

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By digressions - Canada

Today, I tore a muscle in my back. At the hospital, I was prescribed some pain medication. My husband got me settled at home, with everything I needed within reach, and left for work. As I picked up the bottle to take the first pill, I knocked it on the floor. It rolled under the couch. FML

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By snowball - Switzerland

Today, as I left my house, the front door slammed shut behind me, causing an entire roof-length of snow to slide over the edge and land directly on my head. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Campina

Today, it's been 3 months since my dog scratched my 9 year old granddaughter after she walked over and repeatedly kicked him. My daughter has disowned me and won't let me see my own grandchildren until I have my companion of 11 years "destroyed". FML

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By AUDONEE - United States

Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. Turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an add for a Siamese cat. FML

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By HellisLikeTheDMV - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I finally went to the DMV to replace my lost license. After waiting for almost two hours, I casually rummaged through my purse. Something strange inside the lining caught my eye. It was my license. FML

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By GshDrnt - United States

Today, I logged on to Facebook and had 64 notifications. I thought that perhaps I was popular. But no, it was my ten year old sister, liking 64 of my pictures. FML

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By Sorry Not Sorry

Today, my boss bitched me out for a customer complaint. The complaint was me not laughing at the customer's joke of me asking for his ID and him saying no. I'm sorry, I've been getting this joke a least twice a day since I started working here two years ago. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, based on recent x-rays, I have the right knee of a 60-year-old, the left knee of a 70-year-old, and the right hip joint of a 100-year-old who's been dead for 15 years. I'm only 19 years old and my doctor says I'm gonna need two walking sticks by the time I'm 25. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2020 18:00

Our house, was a very very very nice house

Today, my house caught on fire. After it was put out, I realized the damage wasn't bad, mainly smoke damage. I went to my parents' for the night because my house smelled. While there, I received a phone call from my neighbor. Apparently, my house caught fire again. It's now a pile of ashes. FML

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By Treats For Days - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I was on drive-thru where I work. Our policy is that we can give free treats to dogs that come through. A woman came in and I noticed her dog. Without a thought, I grabbed a treat and asked if her dog wanted one. I looked again. The 'dog' was her daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband was leaving on a long business trip to Germany. As he's leaving, my daughter starts crying. 'Dont leave me with her !' she says. 'Take me with you !' FML

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By lolzor - Australia

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

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By staciedee - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be cute to try and pick me up while kissing, instead he tripped and slammed the back of my head on the corner of the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westminster

Today, working as a cashier, I had a customer come through and ask to purchase a bag of ice. I asked, "Eight pound or twenty pound?", referring to the clearly marked weight of the bags. He replied, "What's the difference?" FML

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By thestudent - Philippines

Today, my math teacher brought his laptop to tally up all our scores for our report card. He then displayed the results on a big screen in front of the whole class. The ones who failed were marked yellow. I was the only one marked yellow. FML

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By nope! - 4/3/2020 12:00

Meanwhile, in 1953…

Today, I had my first date in more than two years. As soon as I sat down, the first words out of his mouth were, "How many people have you had sex with? Not just recently, but ever. I don’t date women who’ve had more than 5 partners." I left before we'd even ordered drinks. FML

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By PatientInWaiting - United States

Today, I had a conversation with another patient in my gyno's waiting room. It was about her getting pregnant in a truck while passed out drunk, her therapist's frequent use of a "For Dummies" books, and how she had waxed and oiled everything to impress our doctor. FML

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By Hollywoodanonymous - United States

Today, I had a relaxing night watching movies with my room-mates. Everyone but I had a girl over to lie with during the movie. The closest I got all night was the multiple times my room-mate's dog tried to mount me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The cop was hot so I flirted with him as much as I could. But when he came back to the car he still gave me a ticket. Feeling desperate I said, "I thought you didn't give tickets to pretty girls." His response: "We don't." FML

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By beemove - United States - Kirkland

Today, I took an extra xanax to help with my anxiety, then went to sleep. I guess it was probably too much, because I woke up a few hours later, freaking out and panicking because I was convinced I was a bee trapped in a human body. FML

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By JessykaB - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets the same amount of entertainment out of tickling me and having sex with me, and he likes the tickling noises better. FML

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By Asdf649 - Canada - Burlington

Today, at my wedding, my husband's drunk friend admitted that the only reason my husband and I started dating was because he was dared. FML

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By Thankshun - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I was selfish for "choosing" to start my period on his day off from work. FML

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By wowsucks - United States

Today, I realized that the only reason my boyfriend has been coming over to hang out at my house for the past two months is because my little brother has an N64. I have become a third wheel to their mario kart dates. FML

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By sdeeter - United States

Today, I had a job interview at the local donut shop. It turns out I misunderstood the position, and that the job was actually to wear a donut costume and wave at cars outside the shop. I was told this after I got hired. FML

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Top comments

By Anubis94 | 24

#6577628 - Sunday 10 April 2016 7:40

At least your dreams are clean!
Now only if you could study in your dreams and somehow retain it..

By MrConfusion | 21

#6577623 - Sunday 10 April 2016 7:37

That could be a good thing! I hear many of your problems in your conscious are solved in your subconscious. You'll probably do better on your finals now!

COMMENTS

By HerWrongHole247 | 18

#6577622 - Sunday 10 April 2016 7:37

I hope it was some booty

Reply

MrConfusion | 21

#6577627 - Sunday 10 April 2016 7:40

That doesn't even make sense.

By MrConfusion | 21

#6577623 - Sunday 10 April 2016 7:37

That could be a good thing! I hear many of your problems in your conscious are solved in your subconscious. You'll probably do better on your finals now!

Reply

HerWrongHole247 | 18

#6578202 - Monday 11 April 2016 3:49

Link pls.

By Anubis94 | 24

#6577628 - Sunday 10 April 2016 7:40

At least your dreams are clean!
Now only if you could study in your dreams and somehow retain it..

Reply

kk21days | 14

#6578195 - Monday 11 April 2016 2:52

I've actually done that before. Dx

By 1010110100101101 | 18

#6577632 - Sunday 10 April 2016 7:43

You seem fairly organized

By c0ffeeb3an | 15

#6577637 - Sunday 10 April 2016 7:46

Stress cleaning. In my days we called it procrastination, but okay.

Reply

Kitouran | 30

#6577800 - Sunday 10 April 2016 16:20

Yeah, even in a dream OP should be studying! How dare they put that off by sleeping?!

By photogirlinlove | 16

#6577642 - Sunday 10 April 2016 8:01

Try stuDYING like I do-through osmosis. Just sleep on top of your textbooks!

By lpfire61 | 14

#6577643 - Sunday 10 April 2016 8:02

Monica Geller? Is that you?

By kelciimackk | 24

#6577644 - Sunday 10 April 2016 8:02

At least you're sleeping.. Haha, good luck with finals, OP!

By TCKM416 | 15

#6577646 - Sunday 10 April 2016 8:07

I remember when my boyfriend started throwing out euphamism that we had made up in front of my mom, I nearly killed him

Reply

TCKM416 | 15

#6577651 - Sunday 10 April 2016 8:13

Accidentally commented on the wrong fml and couldn't figure out how to delete this

By Tripartita | 44

#6577654 - Sunday 10 April 2016 8:18

Plot twist: the OP is enrolled in a home economics course.