Miscellaneous: Today, I was working and eating. I was so tired that I crunched... - FML

By Heyme - 09/12/2008 13:50 - France

Today, I was working and eating. I was so tired that I crunched my pen and crushed my chocolate-filled pastry on my exercise book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 311

You deserved it 6 670

Family heirloom

I blame the parents

Ever Given

By Anon - 09/10/2013 05:21 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I asked my friend to crop me out of her profile picture on Facebook because I look terrible in it. She responded that she wasn't going to, because it made her look better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 812

You deserved it 5 481

By it'sabitwindy - 09/12/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I added "a road sign" to my ever-growing list of 'Things which have hit my car as a result of the wind.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 498

You deserved it 3 153

By Anonymous - 18/06/2016 17:43 - Meade

Today, I felt cold while driving, so I blasted the heat. The one thing I didn't expect was a load of tiny spiders spilling out of the vents and writhing all over my dash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 045

You deserved it 946

By dundundadumb - 06/08/2009 21:25 - United States

Today, a very good friend of mine said he had a question to ask me. Jokingly, I threw my arms around his neck and said, "Oh yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" When I sat back down, I saw tears in his eyes, and he said, "You've made me the happiest man alive" as he pulled a small box out of his coat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 958

You deserved it 107 495

Kinky

By 9gingerface66 - 15/01/2012 06:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, after finally getting up the confidence, I started talking really dirty to my boyfriend on the phone. I was getting really onto it, and he seemed to enjoy it too. Then I stopped for a second to gauge his reaction. He was snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 737

You deserved it 4 643

By n/a - 25/11/2009 07:36 - United States

Today, I was working at a children's play centre, and my stomach was twisting and turning. Thinking no one was around, I let out a small fart, only to turn and see a little girl running to her mom yelling, "Mommy-mommy that lady just farted and it sounded like daddy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 054

You deserved it 27 411

By Anonymous - 29/10/2015 20:53 - United States

Today, my brother got his very first paycheck and blew it all on weed and a godawful tattoo, whereas I have been saving steadily for three years. Yet according to mum and dad, I'm the one who is irresponsible with money, because if I was being responsible I'd have enough for my own house by now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 352

You deserved it 1 628

By that guy - 18/11/2014 00:19

Today, I failed my driving test before even leaving the DMV parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 631

You deserved it 30 890

By runfattyrun - 25/12/2016 07:19 - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, I got a gym membership for Christmas, from 3 different people. I think my family's trying to tell me something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 356

You deserved it 1 189

By Idktbh - 18/11/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, when I finished helping a customer, she said, “Thanks cutie!” When I thanked her she giggled and said, “I just like making people smile, plus I bet you don’t get called that often!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 138

You deserved it 306

Student Hell

By Anonymous - 30/10/2019 04:00

Today, I'm studying in another city. My tutor hates me because of my looks and accent. I have no friends, computer or internet outside of uni. I live in a room I rent at an old couple's house. Due to a flimsy door, I hear everything they do or say, and vice versa. I can't move from the bed. If I do, their dog, who guards my door, starts barking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 151

You deserved it 178

By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 05:08

Today, I thought my house was being broken into in the dead of night. Frightened, I dismounted a floor lamp as a make-shift weapon and crept through the house, channelling my inner Ellen Ripley. It turned out to be the wireless printer with a paper jam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 724

You deserved it 6 735

By Lesbian - 14/01/2017 10:00

Spicy

Today, my coworker, who I hardly ever speak to, gave me a birthday present. It was an 8,000-word extremely graphic story of how he convinced a lesbian to have anal sex with him in the work bathroom. She had my name and characteristics. I'm the only lesbian he knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 978

You deserved it 695

By Anon - 12/01/2012 19:24 - United States

Today, I tried to give my friend a fist bump. He thought I was trying to punch him so he punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 406

You deserved it 5 342

By Andrew - 24/09/2010 10:22 - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping channels on a movie with a hot naked chick getting oiled down. Suddenly the remote landed on my stomach as my mom and grandma walked in. They yelled at me for being a pervert for an hour, while my grandpa sat and chuckled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 175

You deserved it 4 566

By The Towel Molester - 26/01/2012 14:49 - Australia

Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I'm out of her will. Apparently, I "molest towels" and leave them to "fester for days" in my "den of depravity". I'm sure they'll give me their daughter now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 343

You deserved it 3 262

By Ryan - 11/06/2011 14:24 - United States

Spicy

Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 183

You deserved it 7 443

By gabbykinz13 - 08/03/2012 21:48 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 013

You deserved it 57 050

By bloodymatzaball - 02/08/2010 00:34 - United States

Today, while I was at work, I heard one of my employees laughing on the phone. I told him to shut up and get back to work. Turns out he was actually crying because his father had just died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 456

You deserved it 63 372

Reported!

By thatcreepyteacher - 17/02/2016 04:27 - United States - Mchenry

Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 731

You deserved it 1 415

By fmylovelife - 27/06/2011 23:45 - United States

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with roses. She surprised me by getting back together with her ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 419

You deserved it 3 459

By historyrepeats - 11/07/2019 04:00

Today, I woke up to a Swastika, "Go home" and "Trump2020" spray-painted on my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 527

You deserved it 293

Make believe

By SN MetalMilitia - 03/11/2020 05:02

Spicy

Today, I once again bought condoms at the gas station to make the people who work there think that I have a sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 378

You deserved it 1 183

Check these out

By doubleds - 03/06/2009 19:39 - Canada

Today, I was buying an expensive pillow for my mother from a store clerk who wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. After paying, I saw an elderly lady who had dropped a bag, so I walked to help. I walked back to the clerk, who refused to believe I paid. The reason? He didn't recognize my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 162

You deserved it 5 634

By fucking hate bitches - 24/12/2016 21:27

Today, I realized that the girl I like only replies to my snapchats if I include my dog in the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 785

You deserved it 1 668

By hell - 14/11/2015 21:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got called into work on my day off. I ended up being written up for being 15 minutes late to a shift I didn't even have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 821

You deserved it 1 763

Wake up bark

By Anonymous - 26/03/2021 05:00 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, my mom taught her dog not to jump onto her bed without "asking". The dog figured that barking would be a good way to ask, and mostly feels the need to do that around 4 a.m. My room is right next to my mom’s, and I already have trouble sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 850

You deserved it 54

By Anonymous - 28/01/2012 17:09 - United States

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 630

You deserved it 3 705

None of your business

By Anonymous - 17/02/2021 17:01

Today, I told my mom my husband and I were considering having another baby. She said, "No!" about 30 times. Then later she texted me that she insists on no more kids. I guess I will never have that bonding moment with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 857

You deserved it 137

By whyme_ss - 23/02/2010 22:10 - United States

Today, I got into my boyfriends car having to pee really badly. I accidentally peed everywhere. He kicked me out. I had to walk four miles home in 20 degree weather. In wet clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 072

You deserved it 45 168

By Pims - 15/04/2017 12:00

Today, I've learned that when in a job interview at a Japanese company, the words, "Now we would like you to undertake a small Japanese test to check your Japanese level" actually means, "We would like you to gather all your hopes and dreams of you ever working for us, and let them die." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 639

You deserved it 617

By TOOshort - 23/04/2019 16:00

Today, several of my apartment complex neighbors walked right by me as I struggled to clean the inches thick, icy snow off of my SUV. I’m 4’11. Not one person offered to assist me, even after I slipped and fell several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 507

You deserved it 2 167

Self-care

By Mee - 05/10/2009 10:49 - Kuwait

Today, I was frustrated at work so to have fun, I wrote an email to myself saying that I was great and loved myself and should relax. I used all different colors and fonts. Instead of hitting "delete", I hit "print" without realizing. My manager got it out of the printer and put it on my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 667

You deserved it 39 279

By Anonymous - 08/07/2011 19:43 - United States

Today, I'd just finished cleaning the bathrooms at work when I saw a young boy go in. Of course, I thought nothing of it until I had to use the bathroom myself ten minutes later. The kid had taken a shit and missed the toilet completely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 320

You deserved it 2 640

By Anonymous - 22/08/2017 01:30

Today, my roommate forgot to pay the water bill on time, so they shut it off. Now we're without running water for 3 days and I'm taking my morning dump in Target next to a stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 857

You deserved it 440

By syn1734 - 16/10/2009 17:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and told me "she has a surprise for me when I got home" in a sexy voice. So, I hurried home only to find a note saying she left me and took my dog. Deeply depressed, I went into the living room. She took my TV also. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 072

You deserved it 3 408

Better Call Saul

By Anonymous - 03/06/2021 14:01

Today, after working for the same company for over 20 years, someone from upper management told me they’d accidentally been overpaying me all these years, not a huge issue, but would I mind giving the money back in one lump sum by the end of the month? UM, WHAT? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 360

You deserved it 50

April Fool's

By Ballprankster - 02/04/2021 16:57 - United States - New York

Today, I wanted to prank my husband and filled a kitchen cabinet with tennis balls. Not sure what was funnier, seeing his reaction when all the balls fell out, or the fact that before he got home, I forgot that I had placed the balls there and opened the cabinet myself. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 301

You deserved it 1 281

By lukas - 11/01/2014 00:24 - Canada - Lyndhurst

Spicy

Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 792

You deserved it 8 437

By shnigel - 27/02/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, I got sent out of the class for "inappropriate" behaviour. The teacher later forgot about me and sent a notice home to my parents stating that I skipped class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 346

You deserved it 7 298

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Monday 2 March 2009 20:17

exercise and chocolate pastries do not go well together

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Saturday 18 April 2009 5:03

and how does one "crunch a pen", exactly?

Comments

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Monday 2 March 2009 20:17

exercise and chocolate pastries do not go well together

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 7:01

what the hell does this mean? u crunched ur pen? and crushed ur pastry on ur exercise book? u dont know how to eat and work at the same time or something?

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Thursday 9 April 2009 6:55

what?

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Saturday 18 April 2009 5:03

and how does one "crunch a pen", exactly?

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Tuesday 2 June 2009 5:48

Just think of it as a blessing in disguise, I'll bet you feel better having not eaten it?

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 6:15

how could you feel good about not eating something as great as a chocolate croissiant? id rather be happy than save myself from carbs.

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Sunday 14 June 2009 5:08

kudos to you for being a normal human being, and eating a chocolate pastry. I only came on the comments to see if anyone made a fit about you eating normal people food, and working out at the same time. #5, why should she "feel better for not eating it"? its kind of sad how its a "bad thing" to eat something like a chocolate pastry (and if shes working out, it means she has what appears to be healthy habits!) because it has GASP calories. Geez. I would rather eat and be happy, instead of being empty and disgustingly skinny, or even "hott skinny" and eat only cardboard, health food 24/7, and miss out. We have such an unrealistic opinion of food these days..

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Monday 20 July 2009 20:44

#6 is right besides she said working it didnt have to be excersize like im trying to lose weight, it could've been like... some project for his/her job

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Sunday 28 June 2009 17:12

#6 i agree 100%

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Sunday 9 August 2009 23:05

Dumbass, you totally deserved it. If you were so tired, you couldn't tell the difference between a pen and food that's not even shaped like a pen, then you shouldn't be working.

shadexilmaendu 4

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Monday 24 September 2012 0:08

Hah, because most people can just decide not to go into work whenever they want. I've had shitty jobs that don't even give you suck leave.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 23:53

FAKE- you would write with the one you would be holding your pen, because you can only write with that hand. and you would eat with the other one

xXSmexiRainbowXx 0

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Friday 11 December 2009 2:27

They could be ambidextrous, you never know.

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Thursday 6 May 2010 9:42

psh everyone has just enough "fat" in them to eat with both hands damnit!

UWBeautyQueen12 0

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Saturday 6 March 2010 18:04

excercize and pastries sure do make you slim!

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 5

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 165

You deserved it 37

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 719

You deserved it 100