Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML
Today, I woke up to a repairman at my door who was simply supposed to turn my water back on in my apartment. Two hours and 5 repairmen later, all I have now is a large hole in my ceiling. Still no water. FML
Today, after I gave birth to our first child, my husband looked at the doctor and seriously asked, "When do you circumcise the baby?" We had a baby girl. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to take me out bowling. My mom was going to take us. My parents ended up bowling with us. I had a double date with my parents. FML
Today, at daycare, a little girl cussed me out because I didn't have any apple juice left. When I called her parents, they sided with her and cussed me out too. My boss refused to sympathize, and reprimanded me for not making sure we still had apple juice. FML
Today, I went to the ER for extremely heavy bleeding related to my IUD birth control. They decided the best thing to do was remove it. An exam, two ultrasounds, and three x-rays later, the doctor comes back to tell me what's going on. Yeah, they can't find it. FML
deku tells us more.
deku 10
Hey guys, OP here! First, #14 you made me snort laughing!!! So more information, I know from an ultrasound done a few days before this that my body was trying to expell the iud. The on-call doc I talked to didn't like the amount I was suddenly bleeding and told me to go to the ER where they would most likely remove it. So yeah, I was pretty shocked when the ER doc said it wasn't there! They are certain that it's no longer in my body though and believe it came out during one of my bathroom visits the night before. And that actually makes sense to me because that's when the bleeding began and it's the only time I wouldn't have seen it. I'm doing a bit better, though I don't know what I'll do from here on out as I can't use hormonal birth control. ?
Today, I noticed that whenever I don't give the homeless guy around the corner some money, my side mirrors get stolen. FML
nohobo tells us more.
nohobo 4
OP here. Only the reflective glass parts get stolen and it takes 10 seconds and a screwdriver. Dealership ones are sold on the black market for half price, though I got the cheap chinese plastic ones and those go missing too. Out of spite I think, since they have my plate number on them and are worth nothing. The police won't do anything, it's a common theft; they told me to get better insurance -_- . Car alarm wouldn't work either, the thief would be gone by the time I arrive. They got stolen 3 times, all nights after I didn't give the guy anything. And the guy is pretty much harassing me now. Like coming to my car to offer to carry my bags or opening my door (creepy, right?). I tried to firmly but politely tell him to leave me alone but nada. Gonna report him for harassment and if he comes near me again he'll get a face full of pepper spray, since that's probably the only way he'll understand. Sorry for the wall of text, and thanks for your supportive/funny comments, they've made my day :D
Today, I spent an hour at work trying to make a tortoise poo. When he finally did, I was so excited and felt pretty triumphant. Then I realized that my job was to make animals drop their load. FML
Today, I was at work when an elderly lady casually mentioned it was her birthday. I motioned two of my coworkers over, and we sang a little "Happy Birthday" to her over the phone. Our boss stormed in mid-song and suspended all three of us on the spot for "unprofessional behavior." FML
Today, I went bra shopping with my mother. She insisted that I try on a bunch of push-up bras, and I told her I didn't want to, because it's false advertising. She looked at me and said that I need all the help I can get. FML
Today, my wallet was stolen from my purse at work. When I asked my boss to pull the security tape so we could identify the thief, he said, "I don't think I want to know who it is." FML
Today, I learned that my doctor lost all of my immunization records. I can't start law school without them. FML
Today, my wife told me she'd rather bust up concrete than get it on with me. FML
Today, my roommate woke me up during afternoon nap to tell me that I need to move out. His reason: "Our political differences will likely escalate to violence." FML
Today, I finally jumped high enough to dunk on the ten foot rim. I caught my tooth on the net and nearly pulled my tooth out. FML
Today, while I was working security at the mall, someone shat his pants. The shit dripped all over the floor and escalator. I was the one who had to stand near the poop so no one stepped in it. FML
Today, on my way to see my therapist, my father told me to lie to her and tell her that I'm happy so he wouldn't have to drive me there anymore. FML
Today, there was something itching me in my bed, it was the tag to my pillow case. I ripped it off, very hard and slipped and punched myself right in the face. I broke my nose. FML
Today, my toilet broke. Yesterday, the shower filled up with sludge. I have ten people coming over for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. FML
Today, because I was the only manager scheduled, I went into work despite feeling sick to my stomach. While sitting down with a customer, I got the urge to throw up and tried to hold it back. Instead I vomited in my mouth, instinctively swallowed and started choking in front of the customer. FML
Today, at 7am, I was woken up by a telemarketer. He tried to sell me a bedroom set containing "a comfortable pillow and goose feather cover". I was working the graveyard shift and had only just gotten to sleep an hour earlier. FML
kareltje tells us more.
kareltje 17
Can't they make a living during office hours? That would've given me 2 hours of sleep at least...
Today, my bike was stolen. These things happen, so I went to work. On my walk to work, a girl pulls up on my bike and says I needed to fix the brakes, someone could kill themselves. She hands the bike to me and runs off. Not even 3 minutes pass before police surrounded me and accused me of stealing my own bike. FML
Today, a guy called customer support, claiming his internet wasn't working. I asked for his customer details, and he gave his name as Mike Hunt. I recognized the old joke, called him an idiot, and hung up on him. It turned out that was his real name. I'm now on suspension. FML
Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying "I love you". When the man thanked me I accidentally said, "I love you too." FML
Today, I got a promotion. I was really excited until I realized that the only friend I had to celebrate with was my pet cat. FML
Today, after coming home from a long day at work, I found out that in a house full of five adults, some rules still need to be set. The newest addition to the rules? No watching porn and jerking off in the living room. FML
Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML
Today, I watched my girlfriend slowly floss her teeth, and then eat what showed up on the floss. FML
Today, I have -$700 in my current account, $500 from overdraft fees because I spent money they told me I had. I don't get paid till the 15th and when I cash in my paycheck all of it will go to bringing me even. So the $9 I found in my wallet this morning will have to last me untill the 30th. FML
Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML
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