Miscellaneous: Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 472

You deserved it 72

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 37

02/06/2012 12:47

Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying "I love you". When the man thanked me I accidentally said, "I love you too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 708

You deserved it 5 437

Late term

Best teeth in the game

You tried

20/10/2013 06:21

Today, my job application got denied once again. I looked over it, and saw that my roommate added "screwing over customers" and "hiding dead bodies" under my skills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 456

You deserved it 7 067

24/10/2014 05:02

Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food restaurant who asked if I could spare five dollars. Confidently, I pulled out my wallet to show her that I had no cash, only to reveal a perfectly crisp five dollar bill that I had completely forgotten about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 104

You deserved it 17 735

The long goodbye

By fml9124 - 14/11/2020 11:02

Spicy

Today, my 79-year-old mom who has Alzheimer's fondly remembered all the wild sex she had with me back in the 1960s. I wasn't born then. She thinks I'm my dad, who died 15 years ago. In all of our conversations now, she talks to me as if she is talking to her husband and some of the talks turn racy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 372

You deserved it 73

17/09/2015 02:51

Today, I tried the 'Casual Encounter' page on Craigslist. Three hours, a bunch of spam, and a 30-minute call to some company, speaking to some lady I could barely understand to recover the $40 somehow charged to my card. I think I might want to try other ways to meet people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 360

You deserved it 9 597

Smoking kills

By Anonymous - 23/06/2021 12:59

Today, my grandmother - who has been a heavy smoker for almost forty years, and does not believe in the dangers of smoking - was diagnosed with COPD. Also, I'm now at a greater risk of developing COPD because of her (and my parents, who also smoke). FML

I agree, your life sucks 773

You deserved it 69

22/09/2010 00:31

Today, I saw a small child take a really bad fall off his scooter, so I got rid of my cigarette and ran to help him. I asked him if he was alright, or if I could walk him to his house. He replied "I'm okay, but your dress is on fire." It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 977

You deserved it 17 395

16/01/2019 20:00

Today, I got trapped in the airport lift for half an hour with my family while heading to departure. We ended up missing our flight. 3000 Malaysian bucks were spent on that flight. No one wants to compensate our loss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 695

You deserved it 166

King Dick

By wtf bro - 20/03/2020 07:00

Today, after returning from some caveman type "men’s retreat" with his buddies, my husband is now refusing to cook or help out with the house and kids as it’s "women’s work." He also expects to be fetched beer on demand and referred to as "King" from now on. I don’t know rather to laugh or cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 364

You deserved it 263

29/03/2012 15:42

Today, my boss pulled me aside to chastise me for being "off task" because I was chatting with a co-worker while working on a project. She then spent a half hour chatting with the same person about what daycare she should go to for her new baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 791

You deserved it 2 219

25/02/2010 00:57

Today, a guy at work told me to, "Relax, dude", All. Day. Long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 836

You deserved it 5 792

27/08/2010 12:23

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend asked me how big the Sun would be compared to the Earth. I didn't have anything on me to help demonstrate, so to imitate the Earth, I made a small hole with my index finger and thumb and said "Okay, imagine a ball this small." She then looked at my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 803

You deserved it 12 654

Johnny Weissmuller over here

By Anonymous - 14/05/2020 20:02

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

I agree, your life sucks 652

You deserved it 2 097

28/01/2009 13:38

Today, I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriend's parents. The moment I told them that I came from a German background, her seven-year-old brother pointed at me and yelled, "HITLER!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 902

You deserved it 3 132

11/03/2010 21:07

Today, my mom told me she can't wait for me to turn eighteen so she can turn my room into a place for her to display all her antique glass dolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 484

You deserved it 2 495

Keep your distance

By Anonymous - 25/02/2021 20:01

Today, as I served an elderly man at the fast-food restaurant where I work, he leaned over the counter so that his face was mere inches from mine and asked me if I wanted to buy his car. When I politely told him I wasn't interested, he insisted on making a complaint about me to my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 800

You deserved it 61

10/11/2013 23:27

Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs out of his eye sockets. He thought it'd be funny for me to wake up face-to-face with the disgusting sight. The shit in my bowels did an early Thanksgiving Day parade straight into my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 199

You deserved it 4 199

07/09/2011 08:51

Spicy

Today, I lied to my diary about getting laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 827

You deserved it 30 749

29/07/2013 15:07

Today, my step-brother said to me, "If we weren't related I would fuck you so hard." Mom says I should "be grateful for such a nice compliment." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 510

You deserved it 6 029

10/09/2013 15:52

Today, my mother informed me that we are no longer taking my graduation trip to New York. Instead, she and her group of continuously drunk friends are going to Vegas because, "We could win the jackpot and take you on an even bigger trip to New York!" She's never won anything in her whole life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 255

You deserved it 3 566

You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone

By Lonely - 05/12/2020 07:58

Today, my only daughter and her boyfriend sat me down for an important talk. I was thrilled, thinking they were engaged or pregnant. They actually wanted to tell me they're moving half way around the world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 829

You deserved it 131

Alexa, play "Charmless Man" by Blur

By Scaredafffff - 12/05/2021 14:03

Today, I accidentally changed the radio station in my boyfriend’s car. He threw a humongous fit and started driving recklessly, almost causing an accident on several occasions. He then dropped me off at a stop sign and told me to, "walk home, you need to lose weight anyway, fat bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 434

You deserved it 168

15/02/2010 05:03

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a 1 day cruise to the Bahamas. It happened to be on the same day of the worst sailing conditions. We spent 6 hours throwing up together. Him into the sink, and me into the toilet. We spent $200 to see the inside of our cabin's bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 733

You deserved it 3 578

10/12/2009 20:41

Today, my coworker asked to borrow my nail clippers so he could take care of a hangnail. He went to the bathroom, which I thought was polite, but when he got back to his desk and returned my clippers, there were little curly hairs stuck inside. He's bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 528

You deserved it 3 148

24/02/2017 14:00

Today, at work, our grease traps were getting cleaned out. My desk is right next to the vent for outside air, and veryone thought I crapped myself and wouldn't go near me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 826

You deserved it 455

31/03/2013 04:34

Spicy

Today, I came home to visit my family for spring break, only to realize that I'd left my phone in my apartment. After a 2 hour drive back, I discovered my boyfriend with my neighbor. He panicked and pretended to be sleepwalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 617

You deserved it 4 048

01/12/2012 10:00

Today, my mom found her CD of cats and dogs singing Christmas songs. That is what I'll be listening to until Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 705

You deserved it 2 000

18/12/2013 18:23

Today, my girlfriend refused to take a picture with me to prove to my friends that I do indeed have a girlfriend. I got so desperate that I photoshopped myself into one of her Facebook photos instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 489

You deserved it 15 111

10/10/2011 04:04

Today, I lent my sister $1000 because she and her husband were in some debt. They used the money to go gambling in Vegas and won a major jackpot. They won't even give me a cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 817

You deserved it 6 449

12/03/2011 14:43

Today, I was texting a girl I like. Every message she sent came ten minutes after I sent her a message. When I told her "I've to go", she responded almost instantly with an "Ok, bye". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 186

You deserved it 9 824

04/06/2011 13:07

Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part of a week, I finally have the urge to poop. Too bad I'm 30 minutes early to work and locked out of the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 617

You deserved it 3 870

25/01/2019 18:00

Today, my best friend excitedly told me all about this new video game she'd just discovered that she thought I'd love. It was her Xmas present from me 2 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 191

You deserved it 192

05/05/2012 06:24

Today, my little sister came to me crying about how everyone calls her a bad driver. I gave her a pep talk, an encouraging hug, and told her not to listen to negativity. Five minutes later she wrecked my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 403

You deserved it 8 194

30/09/2015 15:08

Today, my boyfriend of 8 years moved in with two other women. He's spent the past 2 years telling me he can't afford to move out of his parent's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 900

You deserved it 2 570

06/09/2013 21:23

Today, at a job interview, I was asked what I thought of twerking. It was a bizarre question, but trying to get on the interviewer's good side, I said I thought it was pretty cool. He snorted and said I'll be job-seeking for a while yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 868

You deserved it 47 089

09/02/2010 18:52

Today, I was checking the Facebook event page to see who is attending the party I am having this weekend, since my parents are going out of town. 1 person has confirmed. My mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 731

You deserved it 38 351

Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaires

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 14:02

Today, my father decided that he "wants to get rich." His method of choice? Bitcoin trading. He's already lost a lot of money, but won't stop, because, "he doesn't listen to haters." FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 63

10/03/2010 16:08

Today, I was crying because my cat died. My boyfriend cupped my face in his hands, looked me straight into the eyes and said, "I love seeing you cry." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 389

You deserved it 3 718

15/08/2010 04:12

Today, I found out I won't be able to go to college. Why? My sister's horse needs surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 260

You deserved it 5 228

30/01/2012 09:00

Today, I learnt there's a woman who comes into my store only to hear my Barry White-like voice. My boss knows who it is, yet refuses to tell me because it's "hilarious." I'm now cautious of every customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 330

You deserved it 3 284

05/08/2013 05:11

Today, I was trying to explain to my mom that I've been having panic attacks. I ended up having a panic attack from talking about having a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 540

You deserved it 4 857

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Top comments

LMFAOallthetime 8

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:18

That happens to me too! Hate it, sorry op! D:

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:19

did he tell you he loves you too?

Comments

LMFAOallthetime 8

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:18

That happens to me too! Hate it, sorry op! D:

biggestfan23 11

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:20

Probably the nicest thing the pizza man heard all day

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:42

"What's your name?" Me:"Thanks, you too." Hate it when that happens.

ColdplaySucks 18

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Saturday 2 June 2012 17:01

I said "you too" when the security gaurd at the airport said "enjoy your flight." It happens Op, but you wont see that person again so the awkward moment only last for a moment.

MrBrightside21 20

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Saturday 2 June 2012 17:08

When the waiter says "Have a nice meal," and I say "thanks, you too!" AWKWAAAARD. -collegehumor

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Saturday 2 June 2012 17:44

34, I think you meant to write "- every human being".

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Saturday 2 June 2012 18:28

7, that's what I was thinking. What if it was the highlight of his day?

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Saturday 2 June 2012 18:30

LOL

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Saturday 2 June 2012 18:36

My best friend/ crush once gave me half his sandwich and instead of saying "Thank You!" I said "Love You!" It happens to everyone.

nofearjenshere 12

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Saturday 2 June 2012 22:06

Once, I was at a restaurant and when the waiter brought my food, I accidentally said "you're welcome" instead of "thank you". He gave me a weird look and walked away.

wellnevermind 4

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Sunday 3 June 2012 0:55

"So the awkward moment last for a moment" true... But what if it is the same pizza man that delivers to his house o.o then it might be awkward in future occasions too. Uh-oh.

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Sunday 3 June 2012 1:01

I once said "I hope you get back on your feet soon" to a homeless paraplegic...

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Sunday 3 June 2012 1:33

#84 you never know, maybe the next time he watches a movie, he will be thinking of your kind gesture, and maybe he'll even crack a smile

andrewcollins 8

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Sunday 3 June 2012 15:25

What does op mean?

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Sunday 3 June 2012 18:51

Orgasmic pocketknife

LMFAOallthetime 8

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Monday 4 June 2012 22:15

Original poster

flashback.miss 28

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:18

Did you get special hot cheese on it? lol funny but honest mistake quite easy to make. Laugh the mix up off ^^

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Saturday 2 June 2012 17:52

What the fuck is wrong with your tongue.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 18:16

He never brushes it, obviously. So it's rotting off.

theneatoburrito 8

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Saturday 2 June 2012 18:36

^ How I Met Your Mother reference, by the way.

theneatoburrito 8

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Saturday 2 June 2012 18:36

Haha, the pizza guy got the Ted Mosby special!

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Sunday 3 June 2012 4:51

Can you please change your picture? It disgusts me.

sleepywaterpony 5

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Monday 4 June 2012 4:20

I was going to leave an awesome comment, then #2's tongue made me lose my train of thought. Think I'll go brush my teeth now..

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:18

Awkward moment

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:29

I expect there was a long awkward silence...

CaramelMacchiato 13

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:49

It would've only been awkward if he responded saying "I love you too!"

trinity_mahone 0

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Sunday 3 June 2012 0:07

I meant to like ur post but I disliked it sorry!!

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Sunday 3 June 2012 2:16

I meant to dislike your post but I liked it...sorry?

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:19

did he tell you he loves you too?

TheZee 12

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:45

Well she already told him she loves him "too" so in this case he will have to say he loves her...three? :O

insidejokeswithm 0

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:20

I love you too. :)

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:22

I think something like that happens to everyone at least once. Don't feel too bad OP :)

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Sunday 3 June 2012 5:30

It's not a bad thing, as a matter of fact, I personally think that it is polite. That is why I say all the time over the phone (to end my conversations). *I love you*

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:22

pizza guy:" thanks... I guess(nervously)" :P

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Sunday 3 June 2012 1:37

who knows? maybe the pizza guy said the same thing, and when OP said "im sorry, that was an accident," he said "well i meant it.". as he winked her goodbye

CptZoe 10

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:24

After a tough day at work, ordering pizza and telling the delivery boy to enjoy his movie...! Weirder still, he told me to have a nice weekend (it was a tuesday)

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:25

Im wondering if youre a man or a woman but also how did your mother react? But, hey it happens, and nothing a simple explanation can't solve.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:54

The mother? She couldn't react because she wasn't there, OP got a text from his/her mom saying "I love you" and instead of OP texting her back with "I love you too" OP told the pizza guy that. The mom was not over the phone to be able to hear the whole ordeal go down, so she can't really have a reaction to this, unless OP told her afterwards. Which would make sense since OP decided to tell the whole world.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:25

I love YouTube. It sounds similar.