Intimacy: Today, I got home from working late and decided to write a cute... - FML

By Anonymous - 28/01/2011 19:59 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I got home from working late and decided to write a cute email to my girlfriend since I haven't seen her in two weeks. I was about to finish it off when my door swung open, and in a panic, I opened another tab to hide my email. It was porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 762

You deserved it 43 420

Commando

Our house, in the middle of our street

It's love

By Lola987 - 18/03/2019 00:00

Today, on my birthday, I tried to be a good girlfriend by making sure my boyfriend of 3 years alarms were set for work on his phone. Noticed he’s back to talking to his ex as the messenger bubble had her face in it.. He was asking for boob pictures...FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 625

You deserved it 279

By Anonymous - 12/02/2017 08:00 - United States - Princeton

Today, my husband caught me scratching my armpit with his beard brush. Just last week I swore that I never touch it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 430

You deserved it 12 129

By Anonymous - 06/10/2011 15:23 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was asleep, I gave him a soft kiss and whispered how handsome and gentle he looked. His response, still asleep, was to roll over and let out a massive fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 820

You deserved it 11 274

By Tbelle - 25/10/2017 19:00

Today, my brother texted me a picture of his "upcoming disconnect" notice for his utility bill and asked if I could loan him the money to pay it. All I could give him was a picture of my "disconnected" notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 476

You deserved it 421

By imabadperson - 06/03/2010 12:24 - United States

Spicy

Today, I introduced myself as a sex addict, as a joke, to break the ice while meeting new people. One of my friends took me seriously and said he was a porn addict. He told me how happy he was that he had found someone else who had the same feelings and was so happy he could confide in me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 474

You deserved it 44 071

Woohoo, party time!

By Dp. - 27/03/2021 13:59

Today, after 22 years, I finally got promoted to senior tech. My wife bitched about the reheated lasagna and I drank a fifth of whiskey. A celebration dinner to remember FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 131

By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I couldn't find my phone. Worried that I'd accidentally thrown it in the trash, I emptied out all the bins and searched the garbage. An hour later, my daughter said she'd found it by the bathroom sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 981

You deserved it 26 702

By Trainer Calypso - 27/11/2014 20:38 - United States - Schofield

Spicy

Today, I went to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I watched as my uncle and his girlfriend snuck off to the bathroom together, where they stayed until someone else tried to get in. When they came out, she was wiping her mouth. I need new eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 929

You deserved it 4 068

By justin_99 - 03/11/2009 01:15 - Canada

Today, I was working at Tim Hortons. A lady was in line, and she couldnt make up her mind. 20 minutes later she finally decided to get something, and she reached in her pocket. I was hoping it was a tip, but she gave me a coupon for a haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 974

You deserved it 3 050

Check this out

By Anonymous - 03/06/2020 17:00

Today, I ran downstairs to meet the Amazon driver and threw on a shirt in a rush. Only after he left did I realise it was my shirt with artful rips in the design and I'd forgot to put on a vest under it. I'd flashed the driver my entire right boob with nipple piercing through one of the holes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 1 727

By Aether - 03/06/2014 22:51 - United States - Lake Jackson

Today, I got to explain to someone that "enjoying the warm, rich aromas of fecal matter" is not a good subject to use as an ice breaker for making friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 494

You deserved it 4 742

By meh - 17/01/2018 09:00 - United States - Dublin

Today, after drinking myself to an oblivion, I awoke with a massive hangover. I didn’t want to go to work, but every excuse I came up with in my head screamed of alcoholics. When I arrived, my boss asked me why I was there. It was my day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 4 735

By Sickasadog - 06/02/2017 16:00 - United States

Today, I painted my daughter's room with the new paint we bought. It's an oil-based paint which hides all blemishes on the wall, but apparently makes me sick. I'm now throwing up everywhere, but at least the room looks good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 687

You deserved it 664

By Anonymous - 09/04/2009 19:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The TV was on with the volume low, as we had been too preoccupied to turn it off. All of the sudden, my boyfriend stopped mid-thrust. He was watching the TV. House was on. My boyfriend stopped to watch the differential diagnosis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 198

You deserved it 15 219

By JimiHendrix - 01/03/2013 01:55 - France - Luynes

Today, a wasp knocked me out, broke my glasses, and left a gash over my eyebrow. It did so by flying under my glasses while I was playing my guitar, causing me to reflexively bat at it with the hand that was still grasping the guitar neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 905

You deserved it 7 339

By Anonymous - 03/06/2012 20:27 - United States

Today, I was operating on a young girl, when she began to awaken during the surgery. We quickly put her back under, of course, but now I'm terrified that she'll remember my profuse cursing and get me in the shit with my curmudgeonly killjoy of a boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 905

You deserved it 11 385

By Sky - 25/07/2018 01:30

Today, since my parents always told me that I was welcome to come home whenever I want or need, I decided to stop by. They'd changed the locks and wouldn't let me in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 420

You deserved it 308

By Dashofweak - 26/04/2016 16:17 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I did the math and discovered that every year, I pay the equivalent cost of a luxury car to a college that can't even keep rats out of the dorms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 856

You deserved it 1 554

Played yourself

By nano123 - 17/04/2020 08:00

Spicy

Today, I gave myself a hickey on my bicep just to know how it feels. I'm a 28-year-old virgin and yes, that's possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 503

You deserved it 513

Unforgettable

By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 23:02

Today, I was mistaken for an employee at my grandmother's funeral. There were only twelve of us there, all family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 953

You deserved it 50

Rash decision

By FilthyIke - 21/08/2009 20:17 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the rash I've been getting in my underarms, behind my knees and sometimes on my face. Turns out I'm allergic to sweat. I'm a varsity rugby coach, gym teacher, and I just shelled out a stack of cash to get a sauna and steam room installed in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 681

You deserved it 4 366

Stressed out

By Emily Ann - 08/06/2021 13:59

Today, I overheard my mom, who quit smoking years ago, saying that I am the only person who stresses her out badly enough to want to smoke a cigarette. I have never once tried to stress her out, and in fact I do everything I can to make her life easier. She works in retail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 818

You deserved it 93

By brokeasajoke - 01/11/2013 12:58 - United States - El Reno

Today, an old man looked me dead in the eyes as he reached into my tip jar, grabbed the money, and then walked out of the store as if nothing ever happened. I was so shocked that I couldn't do anything to stop him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 720

You deserved it 10 729

By great idea - 11/04/2013 00:40 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my social teacher thought it would be a great idea to have a casual debate about Margaret Thatcher and her legacy. Within 10 minutes, the entire class was yelling, screaming, throwing stuff at each other. I got hit in the face with a binder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 367

You deserved it 3 861

By lean_mean_meme_machine - 10/12/2016 19:07 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was visiting my grandma who has a beagle named Max. He was so excited to see me, he jumped on my face and peed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 356

You deserved it 678

By Anonymous - 06/11/2015 23:22 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, while walking to my flat, I spotted something white hanging over the handle bar of my parked bike. It was a very used diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 949

You deserved it 1 419

By lucky? - 19/09/2017 01:30

Today, some wisenheimer hacked my Facebook account and posted that I just won the Powerball. I now currently have 284 "friend" requests and 142 tags as "family". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 839

You deserved it 298

Sinning is winning

By Anonymous - 01/08/2021 18:01

Spicy

Today, I came home early from work and walked in on my husband in bed with his two young female "bible study students" from his church. Now I remember why he explicitly said to never interrupt his, "Sunday School Studies" with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 371

You deserved it 85

Who's a good boy? Not you.

By Anonymous - 21/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Newark

Today, while walking my dog in a cemetery, she stole a stuffed animal off a child's grave and began to play with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 610

You deserved it 3 361

By ugly - 26/06/2011 07:02 - United States

Today, my sister told me not to come over anymore because her baby is scared of my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 908

You deserved it 4 434

By Anonymous - 20/07/2012 20:26 - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I had a job interview, for which I spent hours preparing. My interviewer was nothing more than a pimple-faced teen, and after only two minutes of reviewing my qualifications, he lost interest and started asking such questions as which Hogwarts house is my favorite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 473

You deserved it 3 111

By embarassinggg - 06/02/2013 18:57 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my mum came to my ballet class. She spent the whole lesson sitting at the back yelling at me to "stop sticking your butt out". My ballet instructor had to ask her several times to pipe down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 462

You deserved it 2 460

By thenewgirlfriend - 26/05/2013 14:15 - United States - League City

Today, I cut my bangs. When I asked my boyfriend if he liked it he said, "It's like I'm dating a new girl, this way I won't get bored with you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 572

You deserved it 8 028

Empathy

By KidCudi227 - 23/10/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a bouquet of roses with a message attached. The message said, "Ever since your dog died you've stopped putting out, so I think we should break up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 861

You deserved it 261

Marcel Duchamp would be proud

By Mxx - 12/03/2020 12:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I was looking through an old box of personal artwork when I realised the entire box was damp. This was all my own art from the past 3 years, smudged and smelling of cat urine. I was supposed to showcase some of it in a competition winning gallery this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 493

You deserved it 341

By dukebluedevils13 - 05/08/2011 01:47 - United States

Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 181

You deserved it 8 121

By slowrunner - 22/04/2009 13:20 - United States

Today, I was running the 100m sprint in a track meet. Me and another girl were tied for dead last. When we finished, she complained, "It's so embarrassing how slow I am today. I have shin splints. What happened to you?" I was actually running my hardest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 397

You deserved it 7 561

By Ugh - 16/02/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, I submitted my picture to a rating website. It was rejected because I didn't clarify which person I was. The picture was of my dog and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 375

You deserved it 7 028

The early bird gets the worm!

By WhatADickens - 20/01/2018 19:00

Today, after working on my novel for two years, I found out that another book has recently been published with an almost identical plot. I was going to submit it to a publisher in two days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 701

You deserved it 374

By TT - 19/04/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I went to get some teeth pulled. I had Novocaine in my gums and lip so I couldn't feel a thing. When the doctor is pulling out the last tooth, he sneezes and pulls the tooth out. He looks in my mouth and I hear, "Oh, shit..." I now have stitches in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 607

You deserved it 2 580

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Saturday 29 January 2011 1:13

Am I the only one confused on why he felt he needed to hide the email?

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Saturday 29 January 2011 1:10

Was the porn your inspiration?

Comments

pottymouthpanda 0

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Saturday 29 January 2011 1:05

smooth :D !!!

blackbeauty1122 7

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Friday 22 July 2011 14:07

you tried...

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Saturday 29 January 2011 1:06

first

Ozmat 0

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Saturday 29 January 2011 1:06

failboat

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Saturday 29 January 2011 1:08

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! fail.

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Saturday 29 January 2011 1:10

Was the porn your inspiration?

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Sunday 30 January 2011 8:35

lol!!!!!

longtimesunshine 4

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Friday 15 February 2013 3:38

that face like a spiral

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Saturday 29 January 2011 1:11

who came in.?

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Sunday 30 January 2011 17:04

(came) in haha.

Vintage_Cola 29

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Sunday 23 August 2015 1:49

*sophmoric voice* ehuehe...came...EHEUEHEUHEUHEHUHE

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Saturday 29 January 2011 1:12

that happened to me before . to bad it was gay porn I had on . no homo

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Saturday 29 January 2011 13:16

Saying "no homo" adds something to a sentence that screams gay. If "you're good-looking" doesn't sound gay, "you're good-looking, no homo" makes it gay. So a sentence about opening gay porn with "no homo" in it.. Well, that brings the image of Big Gay Al dressed in heels and neon pink feathers, skipping around and singing about kissing a boy and liking it.

dt520 4

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Sunday 30 January 2011 1:52

aka ye has let to leave the closet

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Friday 26 April 2013 8:02

Why "No-homo"? Embrace your gay-ness dude! I certainly embrace mine! :)

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Wednesday 30 July 2014 21:10

That's gay. No homo. (Kidding ofc)

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Saturday 29 January 2011 1:13

It's ok. From a guys stand point, to get caught watching porn is better than getting caught sending a "cute email" to your girlfriend.

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Saturday 29 January 2011 1:17

I thumbed you. The good way.

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Saturday 29 January 2011 19:49

I kinda disagree. I guess it depends on who walks in. If it's family, I'll take the email. If it's a friend.. Well, I have good friends who like my girlfriend, and know I do stuff like that, so I wouldn't care. Porn would be awkward, though.

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Saturday 29 January 2011 1:13

Am I the only one confused on why he felt he needed to hide the email?

McMan 23

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Saturday 29 January 2011 1:48

Ya same too many questions really, such as who does he live with? His family, room mate or wife/girlfriend. The first one I don't know why he would want to hide it from his family unless it was a surprise or something. A room mate or friend doesn't make sense either maybe a surprise or told he them he wasn't dating for some reason. Personally I think he was cheating on his girlfriend or wife, makes the most sense if he wants to desperately keep it a secret.

McMan 23

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Saturday 29 January 2011 1:59

Wow I had to read it again because of other comments, was it really because it was cute... wow.YDI then.

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Saturday 10 November 2012 19:33

Maybe he was surprised about the person coming in and quickly switched because it's habit? That's what I do when I'm on the computer and someone walks in. Even if it's not something bad. It's just a reaction. Then again I'm probably wrong and I deserve the thumbs down I'm going to get. Either one *shrugs*

Im_Jesus_BITCH 3

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Saturday 29 January 2011 1:16

Why is it a fml? Was it your gf or something? Who opened the door?

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 16

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 118

You deserved it 28

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 925

You deserved it 70