Today, I've spent far too long on hold to Apple customer support. Unfortunately the only thing to come from it is I now have "Call me maybe" stuck in my head. FML
Today, I parked in a different lot because the one I usually park in was full. When I came back later, a bumper sticker was stuck to the windshield that said, "INCONSIDERATE F***, DON'T PARK HERE AGAIN!" To make matters worse, it was stuck on with a special type of glue, so it can't be removed. FML
Today, I was the maid of honor at my sister's wedding. I was the first one to walk down the aisle, where I managed to trip over a wire, shutting off the music and falling on my face. My family cheered and took pictures. FML
Today, I was working retail when a group of older gentlemen came in looking for a good sound system. I showed them a top-range system and gushed about it in detail, trying to close the sale. One of them snorted and said, "See Dave, girls like her are the reason ball gags were invented." FML
Today, I mopped all the floors in my house. When I was finally done, I accidentally knocked over an open bottle of soda. My cats took this as a perfect opportunity to chase each other around, step in the soda, and track sticky paw prints everywhere. FML
Today, my Dad and I went to McDonald's, only to have him shove two handfuls of sugar packets into the bag. He said, "If it's for free, why only take one?" To make it worse, my crush was at the till, watching what was happening. FML
Today, I had a date with a woman. She brought her dog along. Everytime I touched her, her jealous male dog began to bark and tried to bite me. FML
Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to serenade me with The Sex is Good by Saving Abel. According to him, "I have to fake it, I'd leave if I could. I'm not in love, but the sex is good." FML
Today, after nearly a week of awful pain in my right lung, I finally went to see a doctor about it. When I mentioned my history of lung problems and suggested it could be pneumonia, he told me to "leave the diagnosing to the professionals" and ended up claiming I have acid reflux. FML
Today, I was told that my mom and her new husband have named my newborn brother "Titan". FML
Today, I found out that my parents secretly throw away any food I cook for them, because they think I might try to poison them. FML
Today, I was yelled at and humiliated by my otherwise awesome brother-in-law for my supposed lack of effort in the planning of a baby shower for my very pregnant sister. The kicker? Her huge, break-my-bank semi-surprise baby shower has been in the works for a month, and is happening this weekend. FML
Today, while working as a receptionist at a health clinic a woman came to settle her account. Before she left, she held out her closed palm and asked if I could put something in the bin for her. I held out my hand and watched many bits of chewed fingernails land in my palm. FML
Today, a close friend told me she had no plans for her birthday. I found out she was lying when I had to serve her and nine other mutual friends dinner at the restaurant I work at. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I wasn't invited or that none of them even remembered that I worked there. FML
Today, I needed a change of clothes, so I called my mom. She brought me a grey shirt with a toucan on the front and 'Mexico City' spelled in glitter. I asked her why she would bring me such an ugly shirt, and she started crying. Turns out she'd bought it for me as a present from her trip. FML
Today, I tried to politely explain to my mother that I'm allergic to her laundry soap. She just called me crazy. I have been scratching for three days straight and my skin is almost all red. She refuses to buy anything else. FML
izzy54149 tells us more.
I really can't buy my own detergent, I can't drive yet. I would walk to the store and buy it there, but all of the roads have no sidewalks and the cars don't stop. I do my own laundry, but have to use the soap, and when it gets on my hands it's like instant rash.
Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find a very gorgeous girl in my bed. Her only words to me were "did anything happen?" When I replied yes she began to cry. Nice to know I was someone's rock bottom. FML
Today, my girlfriend went in for a kiss too fast and broke my front tooth. FML
Today, during lunch, I said, "It must be awful to realize that you've been cheated on." One of the guys present had just found out that he had been. I then try to correct my tactlessness by saying, "The worst must be when your wife leaves you for another woman." Which was also the case. FML
Today, for about the fifth time, my neighbors parked blocking my driveway. After parking across the street I stuck a note on their windshield reading “Nice park job asshole“, only to find out that their nephew just passed away and everyone was gathering to go to the viewing. FML
Today, I found out that my sleep-walking is so bad that I regularly text my friend while I sleep. I have no idea how many times this has happened. FML
Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML
Today, I went to the hospital due to extreme sickness. My boyfriend saw this as an opportune time to take another girl out since I was "otherwise preoccupied." FML
Today, I was taking a dump at a public restroom. As I reached over to grab the toilet paper, I realized someone had peed on it. FML
Today, after months of looking, my fiancé and I finally signed a lease. We are using my savings to pay for it. This apparently poses a "moral dilemma" for my in-laws, who think we should wait to be married. I'm paying for an apartment I'm not allowed to live in. FML
Today, I finally received a paycheck for the first time in six months. I celebrated by promptly falling down a flight of stairs and losing consciousness. FML
Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school. My parents didn't want the other parents to find out I was their kid. FML
Today, I had my wisdom teeth removed. The sympathetic words from my boyfriend asked if this meant I could open my mouth a bit wider for him now. FML
Today, I used a public restroom. I saw my sister's shoes walk into the stall next to me, so I gave her a little nudge with my foot. We then nudged each other until I walked out and saw a homeless man with the same shoes as my sister. He then tried to hold my hand. FML
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