Work: Today, at 7am, I was woken up by a telemarketer. He tried to...

By kareltje - Netherlands

Today, at 7am, I was woken up by a telemarketer. He tried to sell me a bedroom set containing "a comfortable pillow and goose feather cover". I was working the graveyard shift and had only just gotten to sleep an hour earlier. FML

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kareltje tells us more :

Can't they make a living during office hours? That would've given me 2 hours of sleep at least...

Work

Mother of the year

The end of the road

Minefield

By superdriver - Mexico

Today, I was driving with my parents while explaining that young people like myself are better drivers because we have better reflexes. My explanation was suddently interrupted with the sound of me crashing the car against a parked car. FML

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By SFra - United States

Today, I went to the Natural History Museum with my boyfriend. While we were standing in front of real dinosaur bones, he told me he didn't believe in dinosaurs. FML

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28737

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By Anonymous

Not a prank, bro!

Today, I went for a run when my shin splints acted up, so I called my dad to have him come pick me up. When I saw his car approaching, I stuck out my thumb like a hitchhiker, as a joke. The car pulled over to give me a ride. It wasn't my dad. FML

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1174

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By bleh - United States

Today, my fiancé and I were fooling around when his foreskin ripped and bled all over the place. After a trip to the emergency room, the doctor told us no sex for 6 weeks to let it heal. We're getting married and going on our honeymoon in 2 weeks. FML

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By choker - United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my mom. At the check out line I was eating a bag of chips as my mom bought her stuff. I inhaled while eating and I started to choke. The cashier asked me if I was okay. My mom just waved her hand, and said, "Sometimes she does that for attention, ignore her." FML

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94669

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By AllyCat - United States

Today, was my graduation party. My birthday was about a week ago so my parents combined the presents. I thought it would be something big so I hinted for a new TV. I got a snuggie. FML

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63971

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By hinowdie - United States

Today, my mom found her CD of cats and dogs singing Christmas songs. That is what I'll be listening to until Christmas. FML

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24686

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By BoohooBouquet

Today, my girlfriend got super paranoid when I received flowers, along with a card saying what a "lovely time" the sender had last weekend. My girlfriend decided this was proof I'd cheated on her. The card was signed "Vanessa," which is also her mother's name. Who stayed with us last weekend. FML

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6605

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML

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21794

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By Jen - United States - Woodland Hills

Communication breakdown

Today, my new boyfriend asked why it takes me so long to reach orgasm. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he's never even given me one. FML

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34796

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By kanepie

Today, we were driving home from NYC to Knoxville after our flight got cancelled, and we had to drive with 3 strangers for 13 hours. We are now stuck in Who-Knows-Where, Virginia, with two blown tires, because a metal plate fell off an 18-wheeler in front of us. FML

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1714

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By anonymous - Singapore

Today, I inexplicably claimed ownership of someone else's fart in the subway. FML

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11312

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By M. Night Shytefuck - United States - Plattsmouth

Today, I handed my boss my 2 weeks' notice. 20 minutes later, I was doing my work alone in the very cold basement of the building. My boss claimed it was a routine relocation planned months in advance. It's going to be a long 2 weeks. FML

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By but why

Today, when it started raining, I remembered that I'd left my kitchen windows open. I hurried to close them, but slipped in a huge puddle and slid into the wall, making a huge hole in it with my knee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend road head. He closed his eyes when he came, and crashed into a pole. I have whiplash, and a very very angry father. FML

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By weeping_willow - 1/6/2020 08:00

Cheeky little bastards

Today, the kids that live down the street had a yard sale in my yard while I wasn’t home. They sold a bunch of my daughter's toys, that I now have to replace. FML

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1599

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By Ryan - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

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60157

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2020 02:00

Freak out

Today, we ended the night with a yellow jacket queen trying to make a home in our apartment's kitchen. FML

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By superb12345 - United States - Cascade

Today, my parents posted nasty comments about each other on Facebook. I think they might secretly be 12 year-olds. FML

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11326

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By =( - Australia

Today, once again I tried to convince my dad to stop smoking. And once again, while I was speaking, he lit up a cigarette and smoked until my asthma flared up and I was wheezing so hard that I had to leave the room. FML

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37665

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By Donutsarelife - United States

Today, I spent 20 minutes arguing with the class dipshit, trying to convince her that wifi hot-spots are not in fact saunas powered by wifi. FML

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32996

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By Jes_jes18 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. I introduced myself and went to shake her hand. She looked me up and down and said, "I don't shake hands with whores." FML

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By SayWhat - United States

Today, I went to throw out the garbage outside. I noticed at the bottom of my can was a lot of rice. I was angry at my brother for making a mess. As I went to clean it up, the rice moved. It wasn't rice, it was maggots. FML

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By anonymous - 14/11/2020 06:57 - United States - Irving

Entitled

Today, where I work at a pharmacy, we were short staffed and running 4 hours behind. A lady came to drop off a new prescription. When I explained to her the wait time, she called the patient. I heard ,"No, they don't look busy." Like, really? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to try and seduce my boyfriend of 2 years. He was on his laptop, and while he was on it I took off my shirt and bra, and gave him a hug from behind. What I didn't know was that he was video chatting his father the whole time. FML

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By meyo555 - United States

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

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62190

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By mushroommouth - United States

Today, I found out that if you don't clean the inside of your sonicare toothbrush, it can grow masses of fungus. I've been brushing my teeth with a vibrating mushroom for the past 5 months. FML

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32699

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By FenderBender - Canada

Today, I was driving home from work and noticed the car behind me was tailgating me pretty badly. I was starting to get angry with the driver, and kept glancing in my rear view mirror at him. While I was doing so, the traffic ahead of me stopped, and I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I washed all the dishes and cups from the family dinner last night and put them away. When my wife saw, she had a mini OCD breakdown and yelled at me because the cups weren't lined up with each other with the handles aligned and the flower pictures facing out left. FML

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By not a cancerous pimple - United States - Chester Springs

Panic

Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML

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By MrsFart

RIP

Today, I thought I was all alone in the class, so I lifted up my leg and ripped a huge fart. One of my students was still in there. He told everybody. FML

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2551

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I worked up the confidence to go to the mall alone for the first time since being confined to a wheelchair. It didn't even take 20 minutes before some teenager grabbed my wheelchair and tried to race me around, all while his friends watched and laughed. FML

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By lbelle - Canada - Montreal

Today, my right ear drum ruptured. My family doesn't understand that I only lost hearing in one ear and continues to talk about me behind my back, thinking I can't hear them. FML

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27550

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By LyricalTragedy

Nice to know

Today, I saw my father for the first time in two years. He felt compelled to tell me about how he got involved with a BDSM group and got an STD because of it. FML

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9959

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I attended a cooking class with my co-workers. As the chef prepared to cut up a load of onions for his dish, he warned us to be ready for the "typical reactions". Everyone teared up. Meanwhile, I popped a boner. So much for typical. FML

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By Neglected - United States - Wimberley

Today, I told my husband it would be great to spend an evening with a bottle of wine and a pile of blankets on the balcony of our cabin during the cruise. He decided it would be great to ditch me and go out gambling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50019

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By and she blames me -_- - Canada - Calgary

Today, some ass-bandit broke into my house by smashing a window, just so he could steal the ancient VHS cassette player that my wife wouldn't let me throw away. Thanks, scumbag, but the front door was unlocked. FML

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49192

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By StickyPickles - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried the 'Casual Encounter' page on Craigslist. Three hours, a bunch of spam, and a 30-minute call to some company, speaking to some lady I could barely understand to recover the $40 somehow charged to my card. I think I might want to try other ways to meet people. FML

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18355

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By andthatshowitgoes - United States

Today, my adorable 8 year old son told me he no longer wanted me to pick him up from school. When I asked why, he said, "I told everyone at school my mommy is pretty... and I don't want people to know I lied." FML

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By HR nightmare - United States - Glendale

Today, I tried to fire the worst worker I've ever had over the phone because he never shows up for work anymore. He said no and went crazy. HR and the police are now involved. FML

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Top comments

By kareltje | 17

#3290757 - Thursday 15 September 2011 0:07

#18: I'm just bored. Happy now? Should I write another FML?
"Today I commented on one of the comments of my FML. FML"

By kareltje | 17

#3290600 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:53

Can't they make a living during office hours? That would've given me 2 hours of sleep at least...

COMMENTS

By Hannahrayne | 0

#3290579 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:52

..Aww.

MasterE56 | 4

#3290674 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:59

pretend you speak Indian.. shit then they will understand you.....

minisquid | 9

#3290875 - Thursday 15 September 2011 0:25

Or you tell him precisely where he can shove that pillow.

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3291701 - Thursday 15 September 2011 3:39

I have serious respect for someone who actually succeeds doing that.

By fanceh | 10

#3290580 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:52

well....... fuck.

zachherbert | 10

#3290747 - Thursday 15 September 2011 0:07

Go back to bed?

abbyelizabeth | 9

#3292158 - Thursday 15 September 2011 5:00

Oh the irony.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3292835 - Thursday 15 September 2011 8:44

3- I think they're a little tired to be doing that.

By lifesucks1234567_fml | 2

#3290598 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:53

Dude that sucks.... Fyl

By kareltje | 17

#3290600 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:53

Can't they make a living during office hours? That would've given me 2 hours of sleep at least...

By Blue87 | 4

#3290606 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:54

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By Blue87 | 4

#3290608 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:54

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By FreakoHolm | 6

#3290615 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:55

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

megapeyt | 17

#3290637 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:57

You work for the beast!!!

kareltje | 17

#3290647 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:57

You choose to be a telemarketer...

FreakoHolm | 6

#3290653 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:57

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

WTSchool | 0

#3290784 - Thursday 15 September 2011 0:10

Ever heard of a home phone?

Sl1mShad3y | 10

#3291637 - Thursday 15 September 2011 3:23

so by the looks of your picture i need to ask a question? does your company give you crack?

mohammadkm95 | 6

#3291922 - Thursday 15 September 2011 4:21

81-lmfao

OceanBreathesSal | 5

#3291979 - Thursday 15 September 2011 4:31

Wow... I can tell why you have such a shitty job, your grammar is horrible.

greg84_fml | 21

#3292457 - Thursday 15 September 2011 6:08

Or maybe, just maybe it could be an important call, ever think of that?

suckstoobeyou | 0

#3292646 - Thursday 15 September 2011 7:27

But it might be the only jobs left in that part of the world. Yes it does suck but he's making a living at a job so ease off the guy/girl.....

suckstoobeyou | 0

#3292663 - Thursday 15 September 2011 7:30

Maybe because he doesn't want to miss a important call.....
Or
because they have a cordless phone in there room live many ppl do......

By Souners | 3

#3290619 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:55

If you had that bedroom set you probably could have slept through the call.

SnailJamsss | 6

#3296588 - Friday 16 September 2011 5:39

Touche

By megapeyt | 17

#3290623 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:55

TELEMARKETERS FTW!!! NOT, freaking hate it when they refuse to take you off their calling list. Where did they get your number from anyway???

HeavyScout | 0

#3290864 - Thursday 15 September 2011 0:23

Let's examine our possibilities: phone book, Internet, etc...

tylersign | 11

#3292153 - Thursday 15 September 2011 4:59

Phone book? Lol what's that!? ;)

By HamIsGood1234 | 0

#3290627 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:56

Stupid telemarketers.