Today, I was sitting in IHOP with my girlfriend of six months when she brought in her son of three years she had neglected to tell me about, and asked 'Does this change things?' FML
Today, it was a little colder than it should be for this time of year, and as a result I was using the heater in my car. Apparently within the last four months, a mouse managed to make his way into my heater vent and die. I can not get the smell of death out of my car. FML
Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML
Today, one of the guys I work with ran his finger down the back of my shirt and said, "Just checking to see if you're wearing a bra today". FML
SteamyPenguin tells us more.
Thanks for all the comments, I wish I would have had the guts to carry out half of them. This ’Today’ happened a few years ago when I was much less confident. He was a senior Doctor and a renown pervert. I have been reminded of it because a woman has been in the news lately saying that sexisim is rife in the medical profession and that if we want to get ahead we should just shut up and put up with it. I don’t want to get into it any further, but it brought back some unpleasant memories as a young health professional. Believe it or not, this one one of the minor pervy things that he did. I had a series of badges in the shape of different animals with my name on it, and he would comment on it whenever I wore them saying things like ‘Cat on a mountain’ or ‘Tiger on a mountain’, the mountain referring to my breast. I loved those badges, and spent quite a bit of money on them, from then on I could not wear them without thinking I was doing something wrong. Honestly there were so many different incidents that you block them out.
Today, I watched with mild confusion as a piece of paper tucked underneath my windshield wiper flapped around on the highway. What could it be? Surely not a parking ticket. Powerless, I watched it fly away. It must have been the insurance information for the person who swiped the back of my car. FML
lil_breezy tells us more.
Hey all. Just a follow-up as this was my FML. I left my house around 10:00pm and approached my car from the front, so I was not alerted to the damage around the back. The piece of paper was not immediately visible from inside, so it must have been tucked down securely against the hood. When I saw it flapping in the wind on the well-lit highway, I tried my best to slow and exit. Too late :( Nothing I could do. I've had better days.
Today, I was mowing the lawn while wearing gym shorts. Because I had no pockets, I tucked my phone into the waistband of my shorts. I didn't notice my phone had slipped until the lawnmower started making an awful sound. FML
Today, to avoid a massive delay on our scheduled flight at the airport, we were generously moved to an earlier flight home. An hour later, our new flight had been cancelled and they told us we'd be stuck at the airport overnight. Our original flight took off fine. FML
Today, my bladder decided to empty itself while I was on a rollercoaster. FML
Today, I walked into my room to find my roommate's boyfriend trying on one of my pink, lacy bras. My roommate then yelled at me for coming home early. FML
Today, I had my first kiss with the woman I've been in love with for two years. Right as I kissed her, some guys drove by in a car and threw some soggy spaghetti at me, yelling, "Noob!" FML
Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML
Today, my roommates thought I wasn't home and started talking about me. Apparently I'm a lesbian, devil worshiper, and an alcoholic. I didn't know my life was so fascinating. FML
Today, I got demoted from my manager's position, only to be replaced by a 21 year-old who has never worked in retail in her life. I now have to spend the next month teaching her my job so they can fire me. FML
Today, coming home from a trip in the mountains, I got a cracked radiator and my car overheated. My dad came to get me, he drove my car and I followed in his. I got pulled over and ticketed for his expired registration. FML
Today, at football practice, a 200lb lineman ended up landing on my stomach. The weight made me shit myself. My new nickname is "Muddbutt". FML
Today, my mom asked me to help pick out clothes for my grandma to wear in her casket. I didn't know she'd died. FML
Today, I watched The Passion of the Christ with my girlfriend. She kept scoffing at what she called the "historical inaccuracies", and actually tried to convince me that Hitler killed Jesus. When I corrected her, she looked at me, mouth agape, as if I was insane. FML
Today, my father spent half an hour trying to convert my cat to Christianity. He has already done this with my other two cats. He's completely serious and thinks they are born-again Christians. FML
Today, I tried to rid my son of his pacifier. He still uses it to sleep. My son is 20 years old. FML
Today, I had to pull guard duty. I had to guard the latrine because somebody likes to stuff whole toilet paper rolls in the toilet to clog it. Only six more months in Iraq. FML
Today, I won 10,555 dollars on scratch cards! My sister got me to do a happy dance and filmed it. The video is on facebook and the tickets were fake. FML
Today, while I was in the shower, my curious cat jumped in. She decided she really doesn't like showers and to avoid getting wet, used my naked body as a makeshift tree. FML
Today, I went to the hospital for stomach pains, and was told that it sounds like I have an ovarian cyst. My mom went into a rage, screaming that I'd lied to her about being a virgin. Despite the doctor explaining that sexual activity has nothing to do with it, she refuses to believe him. FML
Briscuit tells us more.
Briscuit 24
2- My mother did eventually understand you can get it while still being a virgin. She thought the doctor was covering for me so I wouldn't have to tell her I was sexually active. When we got home we looked up articles and I proved it to her. Either way, I'm still going to be in a crap load of pain when these puppies burst if they decide not to remove them...
Today, I drove 100 miles from my parents' house to mine. I had only a few miles left when I realized I really had to pee. I didn't want to pull over somewhere when I was so close to home, so I sped up. A cop pulled me over a block from my house. I started to sob, and ended up peeing myself. FML
Today, I couldn't contain my laughter when a patient told me she'd named her unborn daughter Twinkie. FML
Today, my husband decided he will be a 'stay at home' dad. We have two cats. No kids. FML
Today, I held a presentation about my masters thesis. Turns out, my professor never ever actually read the drafts I'd given him, but decided to rip me to pieces in front of everyone, saying that the topic isn't worth researching. I've been working on it for six months. FML
Today, I got caught masturbating, twice, by the same person. FML
Today, I was walking towards a group of guys playing basketball, who stopped and stared at me while saying, "Daaaamn..." As I passed them, one of them said, "She looked hotter from a distance." FML
Today, I walked into my shed to find my daughter's boyfriend asleep and completely duct-taped to the ceiling, with his face painted like a clown. FML
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