Today, after 10 months of hard work, it was the opening night of the show I was directing. Everybody loved it, except my mother. She called it the worst thing she'd ever seen. Thanks for the support, mum. FML
Today, I completed the arduous, nearly hour-long process of answering the eHarmony dating questionnaire, only to be told my answers were too "unique" for them to match me with anyone. I had chosen "the world" as my distance range. FML
Today, my boyfriend and his bandmates were doing a live interview for a web show. Drunk off his ass, my boyfriend starts telling the internet how his ex-girlfriend is his biggest inspiration. I was standing right next to him. FML
Btwigster tells us more.
He's in a punk band, like, old school punk. Very '70's sounding. They don't even sing about girls that I've noticed! However, he apologized later and explained he was just nervous, and that it would never happen again. I believe that he was just nervous, but that sort of thing sticks with you, you know? You can't help wondering if that's how he really feels.
Today, my new neighbors moved in. They have a chihuahua that constantly barks all throughout the day. It makes a great addition to my other neighbors that have a rooster that goes off at sunrise every morning. FML
WeiXinLun tells us more.
WeiXinLun 16
OP here! this actual happened a while ago, but the principle is still the same. the neighbors with the chihuahua, they occasionally yell at the dog to shut up. for the most part, they do nothing. it's not too loud to legally make a noise complaint, but loud enough to be an awful annoyance. as for the ones with the rooster, they don't even speak English. they're from Hong Kong, so they only speak Cantonese, which i don't speak. and i live in the middle of suburbia, so the rooster is very illegal. a 1000$ fine, i believe, if reported. the rooster usually gets really loud around 10, so it sometimes wakes me up, sometimes not. the chihuahua is pretty much 24/7. any more suggestions are more than welcome though, thanks!
Today, my girlfriend made a delicious birthday breakfast, and she said there would be a surprise at the end. Today is not my birthday, it's her ex's. FML
Today, my husband and I told my parents that I finally managed to conceive. My mom burst into tears of joy and said how great it was that she's finally going to be a "real" grandma, all within earshot of our adopted and now-devastated daughter. FML
Today, I accidentally asked the cashier at Wendy's how much their 99 cent chicken nuggets were. I guess he is still laughing at me. FML
Today, my son thought he'd take my new car for a drive without permission. He accelerated straight into a tree, reversed into a lamppost and then accelerated again into the neighbours car. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I felt down, so I laid in bed and told my parents I needed some alone time. A couple of minutes later, one of them started blasting "All by Myself" so loud that I felt the floorboards vibrate. FML
Today, in the middle of my online midterm, my computer decided to update and closed out of the test. It can't be retaken. FML
Today, I was presented with a bill for $27,601 by my single, alcoholic, deadbeat father. Why? "For having to raise your goddamn lazy ass." FML
Today, I went out to my car to run some errands. It wouldn't start. I called AAA, only to find out my battery wasn't dead, it was stolen. FML
Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML
Today, I was conducting surveys over the phone at work. As I called a new respondent, someone answered the phone, burped loudly, and hung up. This isn't the first time. I hate this job. FML
RidingCJ tells us more.
RidingCJ 17
OP here. First of all we are not telemarketers because we are not selling anything. Telemarketers are the ones who will not let you go and force you to buy things over the phone. Second of all, yeah I know those calls are annoying. We are all aware of that. Do you think we really like to do this?! I'm a full time college student and this is the only job that fits my schedule. Whenever a telemarketer or interviewer calls you, just say I'm NOT INTERESTED PLEASE TAKE MY NAME OFF YOUR LIST. and we won't call you again. It's simple. And please, no need to be rude.
Today, I ate lunch alone. None of my colleagues saved me a seat. One of those colleagues was my husband. He didn't even have the decency to move so that I wouldn't have to eat alone. FML
Today, I was standing on the packed bus home when I had a speck of dust in my lenses. As I couldn't rub it out, I tried blinking it out for the next five minutes. Then the hot girl opposite me screamed, "Stop winking at me, don't even think about it you ugly fuck!" FML
Today, it was really hot in my house so I pulled my shorts down so I was just in my boxers. My family and I were watching TV and I got a spontaneous erection. When I discreetly tried to pull my shorts back up, my penis flipped out of my boxers. FML
Today, I had to present a powerpoint in front of my class. When I was finished, no one clapped. On my way back to my seat, I slipped on a pencil and fell straight on my face. That's when everyone clapped. FML
Today, I was taking off my underwear to change into fresh clothes. Pulling them down, I realize there's a big fat spider in them. Not only did I have a spider chilling with my genitals the whole day, but I'm deathly afraid of them. FML
Today, I had to inform my roommate that dry shampoo, deodorant, and perfume are not the same as a shower. It's been two weeks. FML
Today, my long-term boyfriend took me to my favorite restaurant. After the main course, he knelt down and finally proposed to me. I was so happy, I almost cried. Until an old woman came over and said I was way too old for him. I'm three years younger than my fiancé. FML
Today, my morning sickness got so bad that, while at the grocery store, I had to throw up in my purse. FML
Today, I was working out on a horse farm. I slipped and fell on some ice, whacking my head on the metal gate in the process. As I was getting up, I accidentally grabbed the electric fence. FML
immaloser95 tells us more.
immaloser95 28
OP here, and loving these awesome puns. I'm glad some of you get to laugh at my pain! :) Let me explain my story. I've been working on horse farms my entire life. For those of you who don't know, an electric fence is for keeping the horses from knocking down the fences and escaping (not fun). They're very hard to see, as they run right the along the top edge of the fence, and especially hard to notice if you aren't looking for them. I've been shocked loads of times out of carelessness, but this time, it wasn't entirely my fault. Here in Michigan, weather is about as bipolar as is gets. It was raining the morning prior to my fall, and it was snowing at the time, covering the ice. And no, I was not running. It is possible to slip on ice while walking. I really wish there was a camera there. I feel like I may have just looked like a cartoon. It did hurt, but my boss and co-stable hand were laughing their asses off, and eventually so was I. I don't think they'll let this one go for a long time! Oh, and as for the person who said I worked around exotic plants....wtf?
Today, I gave birth to my first child. The first thing my husband says? "When can I hit it again, doc?" FML
Today, I told my mom that I want to try out for a singing competition on TV, so I might be able to kick off my musical career. She convinced me to sing a song for her, so I did. Mid-way through, she lost it, burst into laughter, and told me to stay in school. FML
Today, I had a great workout and was feeling really good about my body. Until I sat on my desk, and broke it. FML
Today, on a plane home from Ireland, my husband who was severely hungover, vomitted in a bag before we took off. When he got up to put the bag in the bin the stewardess forced him to sit back down. I had to hold on to a bag full of vomit for a good few minutes whilst my husband was passed out. FML
Today, my best friend who I have known for ten years recommended I didn't continue a relationship with my girlfriend. I thought she wanted to go out with me which I was hoping for, for a long time. Turns out she wanted to go out with her. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend takes videos of me sleeping and watches them with her friends. FML
Today, I wound up in hospital because my boyfriend covered my face in fake gore while I was sleeping, to see if I was really as scared of blood as I claimed. Sure enough, when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I fainted, smashing my head against the counter on the way down. FML
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