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The all-time greatest FMLs

By BirthdayBoy - 25/09/2009 14:54 - United States

Today, I invited over my girlfriend of two years to spend my birthday night with her. Instead of a conventional wrapped birthday present, she gave me the news that she has taken a vow of chastity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 964

You deserved it 7 325

By Anonymous - 29/03/2011 23:58 - Canada

Today, I wound up in hospital because my boyfriend covered my face in fake gore while I was sleeping, to see if I was really as scared of blood as I claimed. Sure enough, when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I fainted, smashing my head against the counter on the way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 964

You deserved it 3 991

By Anonymous - 02/09/2014 21:29 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I found out that my girlfriend takes videos of me sleeping and watches them with her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 962

You deserved it 3 570

By how about never? - 19/10/2014 11:22 - United States - San Fernando

Spicy

Today, I gave birth to my first child. The first thing my husband says? "When can I hit it again, doc?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 961

You deserved it 5 180

Wurdz

By onefishtwofishes - 23/05/2013 20:15 - United States - Washington

Today, the communications expert I'm forced to work with added the line "as they can catch bigger fishes" to a film script. She does not believe me when I tell her that the plural of fish is "fish." This idiot not only has the final word, she makes twice what I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 961

You deserved it 4 472

By katelynm - 08/02/2013 06:24 - United States

Today, I pointed out to my boyfriend how Valentine's day, my birthday, and our one-year anniversary were all coming up in the next few weeks. He then promptly broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 960

You deserved it 9 005

By Username - 16/04/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, I went on my first official date I've been on since my divorce. Things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus. Oh, and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 959

You deserved it 4 708

By ForeverAlone - 06/03/2013 22:28 - United States - O Fallon

Today, my boyfriend of a year and a half left me for another girl. Who was the only person who cared enough to comfort me? The girl he left me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 953

You deserved it 2 813

By notafatlump - 02/02/2011 05:07

Today, I was walking home from the gym. I was thinking about how proud of myself I was for losing 34 pounds when someone yelled from a car window, "Look at that fat lump!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 951

You deserved it 3 957

By StephLo - 18/08/2014 21:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was waiting at a stop light in the left turn lane, when a homeless guy on the sidewalk walked up to my car with a, "Bet you can't hit me with a quarter" sign. The lady on my right decided to throw a quarter at him, but it missed and hit my windshield. She yelled, "Oh fuck!" and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 951

You deserved it 3 053

StephLo_fml tells us more.

StephLo_fml 3

Tuesday 19 August 2014 23:10

No windshield damage that I could see, just sort of startling that she would throw a coin two lanes away during heavy traffic -___-

By Anonymous - 14/01/2013 05:52 - United States - Seattle

Today, while making dinner I cut my finger badly with a knife. When I yelled for my dad to drive me to the hospital, he accused me of lying to get attention. He had to taste my blood before he decided it wasn't red-colored corn syrup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 949

You deserved it 3 495

By jaqen h'garrrhghhgfgjhfuck - 09/06/2014 21:45 - France - Toulon

Today, I was spinning some yarn around to make my new cat run in circles. After about 10 seconds, he stopped going in circles and went straight ahead, happily running several feet into the wall and knocking himself out. My bowel movements have more brain-power than this thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 949

You deserved it 9 491

By Anonymous - 09/02/2015 14:53 - United States - Middleton

Today, I was chased out of my own house by my wife's lover's dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 948

You deserved it 3 372

By Anonymous - 26/08/2014 11:27 - United States - Cortland

Today, I was fixing the plumbing at my father-in-law's house. I told him to shut off the water and yell to me when he did. A few minutes later, I heard a yell and removed the pipe. I was met with a face full of water. Turns out he was just very excited when the Rangers beat the Mariners. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 945

You deserved it 3 843

Stuck on ugly

By bleh - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that my parents took me to a specialist when I was a baby because they thought I had a facial deformity. It turns out I'm just ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 943

You deserved it 3 252

By Anonymous - 30/08/2010 06:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told everyone I queef during sex. Even his parents are calling me "Cooter Pooter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 941

You deserved it 6 937

Don't dick around with those guys

By Cuntface McGee - 21/02/2014 21:37 - Romania - Dej

Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 940

You deserved it 18 649

By jennlikewhoa - 18/07/2011 10:07 - United States

Today, I got robbed at the gas station I work at. After only getting $38 dollars out the register, the guy then stole my purse. It had my rent money in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 937

You deserved it 4 544

Solitude

By someone72 - 22/03/2010 23:20 - United States

Today, I got excited when my phone vibrated because I thought someone actually wanted to talk to me. When I grabbed my phone, I realized my mind had played a trick on me and I only thought it vibrated. I'm so lonely, I subconsciously trick myself into thinking I have friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 934

You deserved it 7 601

By Anonymous - 11/07/2015 01:23 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 932

You deserved it 2 105

By sucks at sucking - 15/12/2012 00:27 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Spicy

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 932

You deserved it 9 253

Emotional rollercoaster

By chynna - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Evansville

Today, I paid $325 to have the vet tell me that my 19-year-old cat ISN'T dying, she just had anxiety shits because we were gone on vacation for so long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 932

You deserved it 6 757

By weirdthingtosay - 21/11/2014 09:56 - United States - Kalama

Spicy

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 929

You deserved it 11 932

By brando2k5 - 06/12/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 926

You deserved it 5 793

By metalmusic - 05/07/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to the beach. His parents relentlessly tried to hook him with other girls, all the while knowing that we're dating. Their reasoning is that I'm not a 'real girlfriend.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 922

You deserved it 4 408

By TypeOhNegative - 23/10/2012 03:18 - United States - Las Vegas

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and I asked him to call me something sweet. He called me Honey Boo Boo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 920

You deserved it 8 368

TypeOhNegative tells us more.

TypeOhNegative 2

Sunday 4 November 2012 19:58

Hello. I'm the original poster. My boyfriend and I saw Honey Boo Boo for the first time the night before. He had it stuck in head and he just blurted it out. I laughed, he laughed too, and it's just a funny story to tell people. We're not fans of Honey Boo Boo, FYI. To get revenge, I tell him he has the sex appeal of Mitt Romney's voice, haha.

Dumb it down

By alejandro38 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had an interview. I didn't get the job because apparently customers might not understand me, since I "talk too good." I just graduated with an English degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 920

You deserved it 3 592

By drivencrazy - 06/07/2010 16:42 - United States

Today, while driving, a girl on her cellphone cut me off. A second later, another person behind me on a cellphone rear ended me. Her excuse was, "I'm sorry, you weren't there a minute ago!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 920

You deserved it 2 951

By Courtney - 28/06/2011 02:10 - United States

Today, I couldn't figure out what was worse: accidentally dropping my car keys into the bottom of a filthy park lake, or getting a fishhook through my toenail in an attempt to retrieve them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 919

You deserved it 5 131

By 14YearOld - 25/11/2011 17:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my parents have a list of everything I have ever Googled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 918

You deserved it 8 004

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

The Top

Today, I found a ring box in the pocket of my boyfriend's pants while doing laundry. I eagerly walked up to him knowing that it was an engagement ring, hoping that he would propose on the spot. He tossed it back to me and said, "Well you found it, I don't actually have to ask now, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 515

You deserved it 52 523

Today, something ran across my foot while I was on the toilet. Hearing me scream, my husband ran in. We now have a new "pet" mouse named Jerry that I am not allowed to kill under threat of divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 450

You deserved it 5 788

Today, I went to my father for advice. I've been seeing a wonderful girl for the past month, and I feel terrible about it, because I already have a girlfriend. He said "Kill yourself" and that if I "can't even do that right" then to get out of his house, because he disowns me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 153

You deserved it 71 753

Today, for my boyfriend's 19th birthday, I decided to dress up as a sexy cat girl for him, complete with ears, tail, matching sexy underwear, collar and leash. He wouldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 507

You deserved it 38 957

Today, I was at the airport when I saw a woman drop her bags and run to her husband. Thinking that someone might steal them, I picked up her bags and brought them over to her. She thanked me by slapping me, calling me a bitch and calling security. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 596

You deserved it 5 926

Today, my friend told me how depressing it is that she hasn't had sex in two weeks. I haven't had sex in 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 707

You deserved it 5 851