Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I felt down, so I laid...

By all by myself - 25/12/2012 05:00 - United States - Alaska Peninsula Nwr

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I felt down, so I laid in bed and told my parents I needed some alone time. A couple of minutes later, one of them started blasting "All by Myself" so loud that I felt the floorboards vibrate. FML

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Love

Does it taste good?

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Assumptions

By ToddlersWife - 15/6/2014 11:10 - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my husband and I got into an argument over him not brushing his teeth. It ended with him snapping his toothbrush in half. He's 52. FML

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By Boobs McGee - 31/10/2016 02:48

Today, I should probably throw out my old, torn dress as my boob popped out to say hello to a passing car. FML

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By FrozenAnonymus - 14/7/2016 18:05 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was laying on a couch with my dog watching TV when I heard my dog fart. I looked at her, she looked at me and started waving her tail, blowing it into my direction. FML

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By randomdude3890 - 11/2/2015 04:58 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my caring way too much about proper grammar got out of hand when I corrected my girlfriend during a talk about her dying grandmother. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2011 20:49 - United States

Today, I got a letter of complaint from my landlord. It said my loud, obnoxious trampling is disturbing my downstairs neighbor, and I have to stop. I'm small and hardly weigh anything, but it seems that if I want to keep my lease, I'll have to master the art of levitating. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2011 00:21 - United States

Today, my mom tried to get me to shoplift. From the dollar store. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend would not ride in my convertible with the top down because he "didn't want to mess up his hair." My boyfriend is prissier than I am. FML

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By loneliness - 30/12/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I realized I want school to start again so that I won't be sitting alone in my room all day anymore. FML

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By god - 29/4/2014 18:48 - United Kingdom - Livingston

Today, while at a restaurant with my husband for our 4-year anniversary, he kept behaving strangely, breathing deeply and eventually sighing happily. I thought the wine had just gone to his head. Nope; he proudly admitted later that he'd jerked off without anyone noticing, even me. FML

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By oopsbaby - 11/3/2020 18:00

HealthCare for all

Today, I found out that my girlfriend stopped getting her birth control weeks ago so she could afford a new Nintendo Switch. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2012 13:31 - United States - Newberry

Today, I was talking to my husband about how I wanted our marriage to improve and not just be sex all the time. In the middle of my sentence, he asked for a blow job. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2017 22:00 - United States - Holland

Today, after an argument, my boyfriend called me a fart knocker and gave me a wedgie. Apparently, I'm dating an 10-year-old. FML

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By bgoodwin07 - 29/11/2011 13:31 - United States

Today, I found out my dad has been sending dirty text messages to my mom. Which wouldn't be a problem except they're divorced and my dad is remarried. FML

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By Now What - 8/9/2016 17:04 - United States - South Otselic

Today, my boyfriend told me he only loves me sometimes. He explained what days he chooses to love me and what days he doesn't want to. I told him that's not how it works. He disagreed. He's 27. He still doesn't understand why this is a problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2013 11:43 - United States - Quakertown

Today, I finished a big art project. It was a self-portrait done in acrylics. Proud of my piece, I showed my mom. After some thought her first comment was, "well, I'm either going to insult your art or your face." FML

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By sickdisney - 21/5/2012 18:42 - United States - Riverside

Today, I watched a movie with my little sister. I couldn't understand a word that was said during one scene, but I figured it was in some kind of made-up language. When I commented on it later, she called me a moron and said it was Spanish. FML

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By cocacola999 - 3/5/2014 10:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a party. Trying to overcome my social anxiety, I was trying to take part in conversations. So, when a girl mentioned she had a doctor's appointment next morning, I blurted out: "What kind of a doctor?" Everyone stared as she responded: "A gynaecologist." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2015 16:20 - Canada - Milton

Today, I woke up at 4am needing a piss, only to walk in on my fuckstick brother combing his pubes with our mom's toothbrush. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2019 22:00 - Australia - Brighton

Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2013 23:22 - United States - Glastonbury

Today, my daughter believed that watching the Big Bang Theory would count as studying for her chemistry final. FML

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By not gay in AL - 11/5/2014 17:57 - United States

Today, my dad seemed moody, so to lift his spirits, I told him I love him. He just snorted, "You gay or something, boy?" Really mature, dad, really mature. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML

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By anonymous - 23/12/2014 11:28 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was yelled at in public for staring at a guy in a wheelchair. I was staring 'cause he was so good looking. FML

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By assault and imnotracistbuttery - 18/4/2015 04:57 - United States - Waxahachie

Today, I got into an argument with my racist brother after he opened his god damn stupid mouth in front of my girlfriend. He actually tried to convince me that he's not a racist, because one of his favorite types of porn is black girls getting fucked by white guys. FML

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By Eyefreshener - 14/7/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's house. She has one of those automatic air fresheners, and I was amazed when it went off. To get a better look at it, I got real close to it. I saw a button and pressed it. The air freshener went off again, spraying nothing but my eye. FML

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By pon-3 - 22/6/2012 21:13 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I met my biological parents for the first time. Their justification for giving me up for adoption was that I wasn't conceived at the ideal time for them. Apparently, the ideal time was six months after the adoption, when they conceived the first of my two brothers. FML

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By Upside-Down Sleeper. - 2/5/2015 21:59 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I went to the yearly town carnival with my friends. I hadn't slept well the night before and when I got onto the scariest ride, I somehow fell half asleep. I woke up upside down and ended up peeing myself in terror. FML

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By wtf - 1/5/2015 22:57 - United States - Elkhart

Today, my husband wants me to apologize for getting angry when his father told me I'm getting so fat that I look like a whale. I'm not fat, I'm just 8 months pregnant. FML

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By single - 15/12/2017 10:00 - United States - San Jose

Today, my girlfriend got paid by the richest guy in our school to go to the Winter Formal with him. She took up the offer. FML

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By captfml - 15/12/2010 22:32 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom in a rush to get ready. Without thinking, I put hand soap on my toothbrush. I didn't notice until it was already in my mouth. FML

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By ... - 27/11/2008 05:30 - France

Today, I was in India. At the airport, the men and women were being searched separately. The guy welcoming us pointed me towards the women's area. I had to explain to him that I was a guy. It took 15 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 03:05 - United States

Today, I got my lip pierced. By the orthodontist. FML

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By GnatEater - 7/9/2018 15:00

Kinky.

Today, I made a horrific discovery; the months-long gnat epidemic in my spotlessly clean home has been emanating from my coffee pot. They've been procreating inside it all this time. I use it every day. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2011 05:56 - United States

Today, after weeks, I've finally reached my goal and lost 10 lbs. My sister got jealous about me losing weight, and told my parents and coworkers that I'm anorexic. Hello, intervention. FML

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By blazer - 30/6/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, my daughter asked me what is the youngest age at which you should start having sex. Being a good mom, I said that she shouldn't have sex until after she's been married. My daughter then said, "Oh... shoot," and walked away. My daughter is twelve. FML

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By nosexforthee - 23/1/2015 19:25 - United States - Katy

Today, during a family game of basketball, my 15 year old son shoved me hard to get the ball. I fell and cut my arm badly on the ground. I yelled at him for being an idiot. He replied "Oh jeez, a bleeding woman being a bitch, what a fucking shocker." My husband doubled over laughing. FML

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By Geraldine - 30/11/2011 01:53 - Canada

Today, it's been three days since my husband got into free-jazz. He plays all the time in our small apartment. Loud. It's like listening to three guys build a shed for 10 giant angry wasps. FML

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By ohno - 1/12/2011 14:38 - United States

Today, due to "severe cuts to the budget" at work, I had to stir my coffee with a paper clip. FML

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By Unfortunate Painter - 23/11/2012 02:56 - United States - Merced

Today, I found out the can of spray paint I got at Walmart yesterday has no spray nozzle, rendering it useless. I'm working on a project that needs to be done by the weekend, so I get to go wait in a huge line and risk being trampled to death tonight just to exchange one damn spray paint can. FML

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By Ash - 27/5/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I saw this tourist almost get hit by a cab. After he walked away I complained to my boyfriend about how idiotic people like him just deserve to die. After 5 blocks of my ranting the tourist turns around and says "I'm right in front of you bitch." I hid behind my laughing boyfriend. FML

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Top comments

By btstig | 11

#5279966 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:17

It's Christmas. You're going to wake up with your family. Keep your mind on the positive shit.

By esp_superstar | 10

#5279941 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:13

Well at least they listened to you, some parents just ignore that sort of thing. FYL:(

COMMENTS

By esp_superstar | 10

#5279941 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:13

Well at least they listened to you, some parents just ignore that sort of thing. FYL:(

sens3sfailing | 24

#5280330 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 16:11

They probably think she is just going all Taylor Swift again.

N3766 | 20

#5280825 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 20:02

#32, She is just too mainstream nowadays, they need something more dramatic like Celine Dion.

sens3sfailing | 24

#5280944 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 21:10

It had nothing to do with her being mainstream, but always singing of break ups...I wasn't saying play Taylor Swift.

N3766 | 20

#5281142 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 23:16

I was referring to "All By Myself" by Celine Dion, had nothing to do with the play.

sens3sfailing | 24

#5281408 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 1:46

What play? I was saying play as in the way they played all by myself

By SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#5279943 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:13

I'm sure parents thought it would be funny even though it wasn't, it's his loss and someone else's gain

m0rr1s | 3

#5280221 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 15:27

What if its her loss instead?

rhaemese | 9

#5280428 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 16:57

25, you're really not good at comforting people are you?

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5280854 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 20:18

Reminds me of the episode of The Office when Kevin gets dumped and Michael tells him "You don't deserve her."

By btstig | 11

#5279966 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:17

It's Christmas. You're going to wake up with your family. Keep your mind on the positive shit.

By Marvin_Kay | 10

#5279974 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:19

Lol who ever did it has a sence of humor

geekpower_fml | 28

#5280067 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:52

But not a *sense of humour.

robo_thunder | 13

#5280392 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 16:36

Right after a break up those kinds of things aren't very funny.

capper44 | 18

#5280447 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 17:05

#14 & 34 : seriously you need to look on internet if there is any medicine, which will help you guys understand SARcASm .....

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5280860 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 20:19

37 - There is no medicine for understanding poor grammar, as is clearly displayed by yourself.

By TheFirstSamurai | 18

#5279978 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:19

Subtle reminders like this make you appreciate what you have.

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#5280000 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:27

Looks like you are going to have to be down on yourself, rather than down with your boyfriend.

By clueless05 | 12

#5280002 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:27

If that song's playing, you might as well just go all out with a Bridget Jones Diary style sing-a-long!

By bwzwally8 | 15

#5280018 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:32

Keep your head high you will get through it just stay positive and try and not let it get to you. I know you do not know me but if you ever need anybody to talk send me a message ill be more than happy to listen.

By dirton89 | 7

#5280022 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:33

That's actually kinda cute. I'm pretty sure they were trying to cheer you up...

Merry Christmas to you and everyone else!! :)

By misanmiqi13 | 6

#5280030 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:37

they wanted to cheer you up ？