Love: Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I felt down, so I laid...

By all by myself - United States - Alaska Peninsula Nwr

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I felt down, so I laid in bed and told my parents I needed some alone time. A couple of minutes later, one of them started blasting "All by Myself" so loud that I felt the floorboards vibrate. FML

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Love

Coherence dude, do you have it?

And today, on Dr Phil…

At will

By scarletdurose88 - United States

Today, is my 21st birthday. I get home after my night out and walk into the garage to see a 2002 Red Corvette convertible. I run up to the car thinking its a gift and there's a note: "Dani this is not your birthday present. Quit drooling on my car. -Dad" Thanks Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - Serbia - Pancevo

Today, I was told I'll need a hysterectomy. I'm barely 22. My doctor said "You probably wanted kids, huh? That's gonna be rough!" FML

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By that girl - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML

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By ADD - Bulgaria

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He responded with "Who the hell are you?" FML

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By Anonymous - France - Belloy-en-france

Today, dressed in my sexiest nightie, I asked my boyfriend in the most sensual voice possible what he'd like me do to for him tonight. His eyed widened, he started clapping wildly and then shrieked, "SPAGHETTI CARBONARA!" FML

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By coffee girl - Canada

Today, the gift my mother had mailed me for my birthday finally arrived. It was a gift card for Starbucks. A gift card that had already been redeemed. FML

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By Ouch - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I broke my leg. My mom told me I still have to go to tennis class tomorrow because the course isn't refundable. FML

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By Danny

Today, I witnessed two women in a catfight, ripping clothes off each other. This would have been great if the two women weren't my mom and my grandma. FML

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By fatblooddonor

Today, I donated blood at a blood drive. As is the usual for blood drives, I was offered a shirt after donating. The worker handing out the shirts asked me for my size. I said that I was a medium. He looked me over, then asked, "Are you sure?" FML

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By shit streak - 21/4/2020 20:00

KoBabe

Today, my husband was changing our son’s overflowing diaper. Instead of getting up and walking the putrid mess to the bin, he decided to shoot it basketball-style. He missed and it hit the wall, sliding down leaving a huge sloppy streak. He expected me to clean it. FML

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By Kyley - United States

Today, I was broken up with via a cereal analogy. Apparently, I'm a Cheerio and all he wants is a Froot Loop. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 20:00

"Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger…"

Today, my wife wants a divorce. Apparently, she only married me for my potential, since my twin brother is a lawyer, she hoped I’d become a success as well, but since I’m content to be a carpenter, she considers me a disappointment and a failure. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicopee

Today, I finally got around to cleaning out my mother's things after her passing. In the process I found a fancy box. What did it contain? A collection of crack pipes. FML

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By freezingtodeath - United States

Today, I ran into Target's dressing rooms to try pants on, leaving my full cart outside. An employee thought it had been left there, and took it to put the stuff back. My coat, hat, gloves were in it. I had to walk home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband decided to be helpful and do all the laundry, including pre-treating all the stains. He felt that Clorox Clean-Up with Bleach would be the most effective. FML

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By sasquatch - United States - Katonah

Today, my boyfriend requested that I shave my lips so I spent an hour in the shower carefully removing every trace of pubic hair. Turns out he wanted me to shave my moustache, not my carpet. FML

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By Hopelesslover - Malta

Today, I was trying to give my girlfriend an orgasm. While doing so she was lying on her back. I asked her: "How do you like that, baby?". She responded by asking where I bought the false ceiling and spotlights as she thought it would look good in her flat. She got bored instead of excited. FML

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By SpooningLeadstoForking

Fork that

Today, during my second day on the job, I ate pasta with a pen in the backroom. My old job provided plasticware, and it never occurred to me to pack a fork. FML

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By fmjob - Canada

Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend got off for real for the first time during sex. Apparently, he's been faking it for the past two months. I didn't even know guys could do that. FML

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By samaris

Today, 5 months after doing a shoot for a stock photo site, someone finally used one of my photos. In an article about meth abuse. FML

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By muffintop - Canada

Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML

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By branded - United States

Today, I found out the tattoo signifying my marriage turned out to be more permanent than the marriage itself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my 8 year old nephew to Laser Tag for his birthday party. I reluctantly was forced into playing one game. Apparently, no one explained the rules to one child and instead of 'shooting' me with his laser pointer, he kicked me straight in the balls. FML

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By sopheeah - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my boyfriend called me, panicking. Apparently he had a headache, but wasn't concentrating on what tablets he grabbed, and accidentally took tablets for "relief of period pain". He was convinced he was going to grow ovaries overnight. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 18:02 - United States - Cody

Seize the means

Today, I found out I'm getting a pay cut, a week after I told my boss I need a raise or second job just to afford bills. I made the company 10k last week. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend and best "friend" getting intimate. In a dim-witted attempt to cover up, my best friend proclaimed, "This isn't what it looks like!" I might have given him the benefit of the doubt, had he not still been inside my girlfriend at the time. FML

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By jack - United Kingdom - London

Today, due to medication I am taking that causes constipation, I have become all too accustomed to using a disposable rubber glove to dig crap out of my own butthole. FML

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By anonYmous - United States - Boca Raton

Today, I received a phone call from my 91-year-old grandpa. He was lost driving somewhere in my town. I then spent the next few hours trying to teach him how to send his location until his phone died. FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. He didn't know how to take off my bra and insisted that he'd figure it out on his own. He gave up a couple seconds later and played video games instead. FML

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By RIP Turd (peacebeuponit) - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork and flush, I noticed blood-red everywhere in the toilet. I freaked out like a little girl, thinking I was bleeding out of my ass. Then I noticed the ketchup packets my roommate had slipped under the seat to prank me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I drove into a cluster of dustbins thanks to my dozy cat who'd managed to get into my car, fall asleep, and wake up while I was driving to work. I lost control when I was startled by him staring at me in the rear-view mirror. FML

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By hannaslifesucks - Norway - Kleppe

Today, a kid got his hand stuck inside my store's giant gumball machine. He started crying, and his negligent train-wreck of a mom bitched me out for being "unobservant." I'd been mopping up the mess she'd made after she spilled an open can of beer all over the floor. FML

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By chattyloz - United Kingdom

Today, I had to unpick a wedgie in the street. I backed against a wall, lifted my skirt and sorted it. I then turned around and caught eye contact with several men in the barbers behind me. Not such a solid wall after all. FML

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By f03_f0r_l1f3 - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. Driving her home, we got stuck in a construction zone. I waited half an hour with with my ex-girlfriend bawling her eyes out in the passenger seat as I watched the traffic lady eat her lunch. FML

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By Tey - United States

Today, on my first day of work, I got fired after 45 minutes. FML

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By AloneAgainNaturally - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I found nudes on my boyfriend's phone. We've been together 14 years. They weren't of me. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Randers

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend freaked out and kept asking me if I was sure I wouldn't get pregnant, because I forgot to take my birth control pill last night. We didn't actually have sex; he apparently thought me simply missing the pill would magically get me pregnant. The hell? FML

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By SweeT

Today, I tried to pick up two girls by asking them what time it was. They burst out laughing. FML

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By ninjapup - Canada

Today, I was at a party, chatting up this guy while we were petting my friends dog. The dog had just been outside and was kinda wet, I assumed it was raining out. Just then someone came up and said "Um, that dog's covered in pee." Apparently someone peed off the deck onto the dog as it walked by. FML

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Top comments

By btstig | 11

#5279966 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:17

It's Christmas. You're going to wake up with your family. Keep your mind on the positive shit.

By esp_superstar | 10

#5279941 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:13

Well at least they listened to you, some parents just ignore that sort of thing. FYL:(

COMMENTS

By esp_superstar | 10

#5279941 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:13

Well at least they listened to you, some parents just ignore that sort of thing. FYL:(

sens3sfailing | 24

#5280330 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 16:11

They probably think she is just going all Taylor Swift again.

N3766 | 20

#5280825 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 20:02

#32, She is just too mainstream nowadays, they need something more dramatic like Celine Dion.

sens3sfailing | 24

#5280944 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 21:10

It had nothing to do with her being mainstream, but always singing of break ups...I wasn't saying play Taylor Swift.

N3766 | 20

#5281142 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 23:16

I was referring to "All By Myself" by Celine Dion, had nothing to do with the play.

sens3sfailing | 24

#5281408 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 1:46

What play? I was saying play as in the way they played all by myself

By SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#5279943 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:13

I'm sure parents thought it would be funny even though it wasn't, it's his loss and someone else's gain

m0rr1s | 3

#5280221 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 15:27

What if its her loss instead?

rhaemese | 9

#5280428 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 16:57

25, you're really not good at comforting people are you?

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5280854 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 20:18

Reminds me of the episode of The Office when Kevin gets dumped and Michael tells him "You don't deserve her."

By btstig | 11

#5279966 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:17

It's Christmas. You're going to wake up with your family. Keep your mind on the positive shit.

By Marvin_Kay | 10

#5279974 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:19

Lol who ever did it has a sence of humor

geekpower_fml | 28

#5280067 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:52

But not a *sense of humour.

robo_thunder | 13

#5280392 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 16:36

Right after a break up those kinds of things aren't very funny.

capper44 | 18

#5280447 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 17:05

#14 & 34 : seriously you need to look on internet if there is any medicine, which will help you guys understand SARcASm .....

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5280860 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 20:19

37 - There is no medicine for understanding poor grammar, as is clearly displayed by yourself.

By TheFirstSamurai | 18

#5279978 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:19

Subtle reminders like this make you appreciate what you have.

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#5280000 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:27

Looks like you are going to have to be down on yourself, rather than down with your boyfriend.

By clueless05 | 12

#5280002 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:27

If that song's playing, you might as well just go all out with a Bridget Jones Diary style sing-a-long!

By bwzwally8 | 15

#5280018 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:32

Keep your head high you will get through it just stay positive and try and not let it get to you. I know you do not know me but if you ever need anybody to talk send me a message ill be more than happy to listen.

By dirton89 | 7

#5280022 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:33

That's actually kinda cute. I'm pretty sure they were trying to cheer you up...

Merry Christmas to you and everyone else!! :)

By misanmiqi13 | 6

#5280030 - Tuesday 25 December 2012 12:37

they wanted to cheer you up ？