Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After using it, we couldn't find how to tell if she was or wasn't pregnant. After about 10 minutes of waiting, Google searching, and tension, I realized I had bought an ovulation test. FML
Today, I bought myself an MP3 player. Later, I was laying in bed, listening to music and eating a bowl of cereal, when I went to move the bowl of cereal on the bedside table for some shut eye. I dropped my MP3 player into the leftover milk. FML
Today, I saw a ridiculously hot guy dining with his family. I decided not to flirt with him with his parents around but to ask his sister (who went to the restroom) to give him my phone number. When I came back, I saw her pointing a finger at me, and the whole family turning around and staring. FML
Today, while in class, my friend would not stop annoying me by tapping me on the shoulder every so often. After the fifth time, I lost my patience, told him to F off, and slapped his hand. Only it wasn't my friend tapping my shoulder this time, it was my teacher. FML
Today, I fed my cats their usual dinner of canned cat food. Without thinking, I put the spoon I had used for their food into my mouth so I could use both hands to rinse the can before recycling it. FML
Today, like every other day, my roommate's alarm began to go off at 7:30am. What time does she have to wake up? 10:00am. Why does she have her alarm go off for two and a half hours? Because last semester she needed it to go off then and she is too lazy to change it. FML
Today, I chipped my tooth on a beer bottle. While I was drinking alone in my basement. FML
Today, I got a bird as a pet. I thought it would be funny to put it on my head and take a picture. When the flash went off the bird flew off my head and pooped at the same time. You could see it in the picture. FML
Today, I was walking through a field with my boyfriend and he picked me some pretty flowers. I hugged him and leant in to sniff them. In doing so, I inhaled a bee up my nose and had to force it out my swollen nostril after it had stung me. FML
Today, my bank refused to replace the debit card that I lost because, to prove I was the owner, I had to tell them about my last purchase and I couldn't remember it. I showed them my ID, and that could have worked, had they not misspelt my name on the account. FML
HappyItalian tells us more.
HappyItalian 38
OP here! Let me explain the situation: The reason why I did not notice my last name being misspelt for so long was because 1. The only way you could see it is if you went to a certain section of your online banking 2. It was just ONE letter off, and I have a very long last name so of course I didn't notice at first I actually came into the bank that day and told them both my problems (that my name was misspelt and that I had lost my card). I don't know why but FML rewrote/reworded my FML so they left out some things. The reason why I couldn't remember my last purchase was because I have a short-term memory problem, so even I have to check online almost on a daily basis what purchases I make. I told them this and they refused to accept that, so I gave them an answer: "I must've bought food, because that's the only thing I remember spending money on this week". And yes, the answer WAS food! They just thought that that was too vague to accept. I gave them all forms of ID I had, including my SS card, but they wouldn't accept it because of the misspelt name. I tried asking them if I could answer my security questions my account asks every time I log in, but they said that "doesn't count" because their online, phone, and in-bank banking are all different from each other. So in conclusion they just shrugged and told me to come back again tomorrow.
Today, my mom kicked my dad out of the house and told him not to come home again. Why? I started watching some porn on my computer, forgetting I was still connected to the bluetooth speakers in the living room. My mom thought it was my dad, and I didn't have the balls to admit the truth. FML
Today, while I selling merch at a festival, a volunteer lost her toenail. Not only did she immediately show me, but she then took a picture and showed everyone coming up to my station. I lost sales because she wouldn't leave. FML
Today, I had to convince my dad that text lingo causes brain damage just to try to get him to stop. He actually believed me, and is telling everyone they have, or will receive brain damage soon. FML
Today, I finally figured out that when a man says, "Maybe some other time, I'll be busy then" more than once, he really means, "I don't really want to see you again. I didn't think you'd actually USE my number." FML
Today, after having been a vegetarian for 8 years because I'm opposed to cruelty to animals, I lost a bet and had to eat a whole cheeseburger. I loved it. FML
Today, I woke up in a daze after a long night drinking. I felt a subtle nudge on my shoulder. I was at my ex-girlfriend's house, passed out on top of her, with no pants on. Her dad was, in so many words, informing me that I had to leave immediately. FML
Today, I asked my little cousin if he had a girlfriend if he had a girlfriend. “Yes,“ he said. “Two, but I’m going to keep the one with the biggest boobs.“ He’s 7. FML
Today, my dad woke me up in a panic at five to ten in the morning, because he couldn't figure out how to type the "@" in an e-mail address. FML
Today, I walked into pawn shop and found a nice laptop which I inspected after I thought I lost mine months ago. Turns out my ex pawned it after having it at her place all this time. FML
Today, I wanted to show my teenage daughter what we did when I was her age. We used to breakdance, so I stuck on a Grandmaster Flash track, and tried some old moves on the living room floor. I spun out of control, smacked my head into a wall and pulled a back muscle. FML
Today, my best friend invited my ex to eat lunch with her. I wouldn't have found out had I not bumped into them while they were there. FML
Today, our family reunion began with my sister calling my brother's current crazy girlfriend by his last crazy girlfriend's name and ended with my dad telling my adopted niece that he wanted a family picture without her in it, but she could be in the next one. FML
Today, I tried to take a piss in the woods, but ended up peeing all over my feet. I still had to hike another five hours in wet shoes. My boyfriend's only comment was, "At least you didn't wet your pants." FML
Today, I was driving my family home, when my 7 year old son had to pee. Having long since passed any rest stops, I made him use a bottle. Once he was done, he grenaded the bottle out the window, hitting someone's windshield dead on. FML
wtfson tells us more.
wtfson 0
To everyone asking, how could I have possibly prepared for this? I can't just teach my son not to through pee bottles and other things out the window. That will give him ideas... But rest assured, no more "grenades" will be tossed :)
Today, I went into a small coffee shop. In line, a guy came up to me and was like, "I haven't seen you here before, are you new in town?" and I replied with, "Oh, no I've lived here for years. The coffee here is crap, though, so I only come here when Starbucks is full." He's the owner of the shop. FML
Today, I went to see a hockey game. The announcer asked if anybody found a ring in the stands, because a girl lost hers. While he talked about it, I realised that I forgot mine in my pocket, so I took MY ring and put it on my finger. A guy saw me and thought I stole the lost one. FML
Today, I got in trouble with my boss for doing what she wanted me to do. I guess she didn't think I would do it, so she did it herself. FML
Today, my elderly coworker was telling me about a long-lost friend, so I helped her use the Internet to look the friend up. We found her. Specifically, her obituary. FML
Today, while working as a cashier at a fast food restaurant, a customer asked me how many chicken nuggets were in our 6 count chicken nuggets. FML
Today, at school, I wore a back brace because I have fractured vertebrae. During first period, a girl tapped me on the back to ask me a question. It made a "knocking on wood" sound. She looked at me like I was a freak. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
