By Anonymous - 26/06/2015 18:08 - Russian Federation - Moscow
Add a comment - Reply to : #
OP, Go get your dad back and explain the misunderstanding. It's better to be embarrassed than to have separated parents...
While I believe porn is fine, I can think of a few situations where I would consider it understandable for the wife to get angry. For example, if her husband is downright addicted to porn and it is something that is negatively effecting the quality of their relationship. Or if prior to entering a serious relationship, she made it clear to him she was not ok with either of them watching porn and he agreed to those conditions. And so on so forth.
Well, there's a huge difference between her being upset and downright being a bitch. Sure, I understand if he's an addict or he broke his word, but there's nothing in the FML that suggests that over her just being controlling. There's a major difference between her simply talking to the husband about it upsetting her, and her deciding what he is "banned" from doing and kicking him out of HIS own home. Personally, I think it's stupid to set limitations on masturbation; the whole point of it is that you please yourself however you want (provided you aren't actually interacting with another human) without worrying about your partner's wants and desires. I'd seriously consider dumping any partner of mine that "decides" what they can and can't ban me from doing provided that it certainly doesn't affect them in ANY way. I would, though, reassure them that my porn-watching doesn't change how I feel about/whether or not I'm still attracted to them. However, I can respect the fact that my opinion cannot dictate what other couples are happy with and what they like to compromise with, but it still stands as how I feel.
I don't agree with "banning" things either, but I think if they decided that together at an earlier point or if it's an addiction they have already addressed many times in the past and are struggling with, it's not "crazy" to get angry. Also I totally agree that there's nothing in the FML that suggests such problems, but there really isn't anything in the FML that suggests the opposite either. The focus of the FML is more of the kid's part in it, and if they were struggling with such things I doubt his parents would even let him in on the details. I'd agree with the "kicking him out of THEIR house" being an overreaction (separate rooms, if you don't want to sleep together, is enough imo) but many spouses kick each other out for multiple other reasons when angry, and I don't think that makes them "insane." Just makes them people who need to learn how to conflict-solve and handle their anger more effectively and respectively for the sake of their relationship.
I think you're misunderstanding my comments completely. I already agreed that if it was an addiction they're dealing with or they had already discussed it and agreed to something, then of course it's okay to get angry. Also, I really don't know why you're acting like I was the first to bring the actual FML into this conversation. I never mentioned it in my original comments, so when you brought up why it's be okay for OP's mom to be upset, I then gave the alternate scenario. I also don't see why you're trying to "quote" me on the "kicking them out of the house" thing. I said that banning something like porn (which won't affect the other partner AT ALL except for addiction) is crazy because that's controlling; I said that the home thing is bitchy (unless there is a possible danger, of course). No matter how often spouses do it or whether they "just need to learn how to resolve conflicts" or not, it's bitchy and controlling. My original comment was simply about how I felt about those who "banned" porn from their relationships (in reply to a related comment), not about the actual FML.
Well my original comment was also simply to give alternate reasons as to why the wife might be upset. It was never addressed to you specifically. The second comment was in order to respond to you, which was why I quoted you on certain parts. Ie: the “kicking them out of the house” part. I was agreeing with you on a specific point, so the quotation was in order for you to know which part of your quote I was agreeing with. Also the reason I brought up the original FML's context (in my second comment) was because you said "I understand if he's an addict or he broke his word, but there's nothing in the FML that suggests that over her just being controlling." So while I was agreeing that you were right (that nothing suggests addiction), I was just pointing out that nothing suggested she was banning porn simply because she was controlling about his masturbation habits. I was just generally stating that the FML gives no context as to "why" it's a problem in their marriage. And I agreed with you that kicking him out of the house was a bad thing to do, so I don't know why you brought that up again?
Also I can think of many non “crazy” reasons (other than that the person watching is addicted) why someone could want porn to be banned from their house. For example they could both be in a religion in which it is not ok, but one spouse does it in secret and is trying to get the other spouse to lie about it to everyone. He could do what he wants, but if he is trying to implicate her in a lie or to do other things she is not ok with, that is bad imo. Or maybe the wife is the one who is a past addict and it makes it difficult for her not to relapse if it’s loud/he doesn’t clear browser history/he isn’t being careful and she keeps walking in on him (it’s not his fault she’s addicted, but just like how it would be if a husband was constantly drinking in front of his ex-alcoholic wife, it’s kinda douchy). Maybe it’s the type of porn being watched (child porn, real non-consensual rape porn, etc…) and the spouse feels that it is morally wrong to watch a person/child being raped for real. Maybe one spouse has traumatic past experiences and the porn being watched is insensitive to that: for example, a girl has a history of recent repeated rapes, and yet she keeps walking in on her husband watching fake-rape porn: of course it’s fake, but if it’s something she finds traumatic and is still dealing with, it can hurt her to know her husband is masturbating to the image of a woman getting fake-raped. Maybe he could just put her wants and needs before his own and watch a different type of porn, or if he absolutely cannot stop watching (fake)rape-porn, to watch it elsewhere. Maybe the porn is not an addiction, but is still negatively impacting the relationship: like one spouse is pressuring the other to be more like the porn stars, or one of them is always getting their sexual gratification from porn and puts zero effort into having sex with their actual spouse and trying to satisfy their desires too. The list goes on… While I believe watching porn to satisfy yourself is fine, I also believe that when you love someone and they have explained how your porn habits are truly hurting them and the reasons are legitimate, it's not unreasonable or crazy to want to put their needs/desires before your own and make a compromise.