Today, I was walking through a field with my boyfriend and he...

By lyinginbed - 4/6/2016 19:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking through a field with my boyfriend and he picked me some pretty flowers. I hugged him and leant in to sniff them. In doing so, I inhaled a bee up my nose and had to force it out my swollen nostril after it had stung me. FML

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Health

Rock, hard place

Fear factor

Emergency haircut

By team hit bella with a car - 20/10/2014 02:20 - United States - Odenton

Today, after waiting for years for my oldest daughter to grow out of Twilight, my younger daughter discovered it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2015 13:46

Today, my dad gave my younger brother condoms and a pat on the back, even though he doesn't have a girlfriend. This is after called me a whore after he saw me kissing my long-term boyfriend last week. FML

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By bdaygirl - 3/12/2009 07:33 - United States

Today, I turned eighteen. Thinking I was going to get a big present from my parents on this special day, I eagerly unwrapped my present. They got me a bag of M and M's. Last year I got flannel bed sheets. FML

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By swirkishly - 24/11/2011 16:06 - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of plaster falling from the ceiling. Against all logic, I looked up, receiving a fragment directly in the eyeball. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2013 11:50 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After looking for the spare key for hours, we called our insurance company, who then sent a "locksmith" with a wedge and a bar to open my car. All he did was break the driver and passenger doorhandles. My stuff is still inside. FML

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By stupiddrunk - 1/3/2011 01:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa, with an electric dog collar around my neck and handcuffs on my wrists. The keys were on the other side of the invisible doggy fence. FML

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By mook - 15/7/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, my neighbor confessed to me that he was homophobic and regrets that his family doesnt know it. He spent fifteen minutes explaining how much he would hate to have a gay child. I spent two hours last night convincing his son that it was the right thing to tell his family he was gay. FML

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By Grant - 11/1/2013 00:51 - United States

Today, I found out that my son told my daughter at some point that "real" name for Hershey's Kisses is "blowjobs." I found this out because at kindergarten she was asked what her favorite food was. The teacher wasn't happy when she called me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I was at work lifeguarding and saw a kid drowning on the far end of the pool. I decided running would be the quickest way to get to her, but as I ran across the pool deck I slipped and hit my head. The kid's mother jumped in to save her child and then called an ambulance for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 17:46 - Canada

Today, a parent came into my class and told one of my 6 year old students that their grandma died. Then the parent left. The kid started crying from the news, which then got all the other students crying. I spent the rest of the day comforting a class of kids crying over someone else's grandma. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2012 20:48 - United States - Charlotte

Today, in art class, our instructor called me up to the front to model for a drawing. I agreed to pose because it was nice to be called on, and I needed a self-esteem boost. He then thanked me, saying it's a great exercise for the class to draw such strange proportions. FML

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By shorty - 11/4/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, I found out that if I were 2 inches shorter, I would have to sit in a booster seat in the car. I'm about to turn 22. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2018 23:30

Today, I got home from work, took a shower, got ready for bed, and laid down right in cat piss. Now I'm shampooing the mattress and taking another shower just to sleep on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2018 12:00 - United States - Papillion

Today, I was left at home alone while my friends went on a trip to Paris I paid for. FML

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By arther - 3/6/2019 02:05

Today, I got up at 3:15 a.m. to be ready for work at 5 a.m. I get to my work station to find absolutely no work to do. After talking with my boss, I was sent home with no pay. If I'd been employed there 3 weeks longer, I would've been paid for 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 02:00

Better out than in

Today, I had the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my lower right abdomen. I was doubled over and vomiting it hurt so bad. After going to the E.R., thinking it was my appendix and getting checked in, I let out the biggest most rancid fart in my life and the pain immediately went away. FML

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By Chessmomma3 - 10/5/2019 01:00

Today, my 18-month-old found our "naughty drawer." I found her carrying a "toy" all over the house. FML

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By Noname - 30/1/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, I went out to eat with my aunt and uncle, I barely looked at the male waiter because I'm a shy person. Then my uncle says: "YOU SHOULD TAKE OUT MY NIECE! She's never dated in her life." I'm 19 and my match maker is my uncle. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2010 13:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

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By jkass - 7/10/2011 15:07 - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by the police. The cop was my ex-boyfriend. He had no legitimate reason to pull me over, so he thoroughly checked my car. He gave me a defect notice and a fine. What for? A broken door lock, on my rear passenger door. FML

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By ab1e - 12/5/2010 20:07 - United States

Today, while at work, a woman left her credit card at my register. I tried to return it before she left. Seeing her getting into her car, I jogged after her and yelled, "Wait." She ran over my foot. FML

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By Lane - 18/11/2018 14:00

Today, I made a frustrating discovery about my new bunny. He can’t stand the fan in my small studio apartment, and thumps angrily and refuses to sleep if it's on. I can’t sleep with it off. FML

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By mjayne17 - 21/3/2009 19:04 - Canada

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house. One thing led to another, and we were just getting to the good parts when his mom walks in. After a long, awkward pause, she says "I like your socks" and walks out. She is a teacher at my highschool. I have to see her everyday. FML

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By birchbeer - 11/5/2015 19:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned I'm claustrophobic by having a raging oh-god-I'm-gonna-fucking-die panic attack while I was stuck inside an MRI scanner. FML

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By Ugly - 20/8/2019 04:00 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me I can stop using makeup, because it's "not working." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2011 20:49 - United States

Today, I finally got the nerve to tell my parents that I'm no longer going to pay them a flat percent of my salary, but only what they need to cover my expenses. Their response: "Better find a place of your own then, you freeloading bastard." FML

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By Colleen Nichols - 4/2/2013 12:17 - United States - Piscataway

Today, I ran into a former co-worker who I hadn't seen in years. She was raving at how I hadn't aged a bit, but before I could thank her she said, "But, you know, chubby people age better." FML

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By The greatest Illusion ever - 28/10/2013 20:31 - United States

Today, I went to school without any makeup on. The guys who usually compliment me for being pretty are now calling me "The Greatest Illusion Ever". FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 19:57 - Canada

Today, in the middle of having sex, my boyfriend of two years got a call. After taking the call, he said, "It's an emergency," and that he has to go. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me is wife is going into labour. FML

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By mommy_issues - 29/8/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I was curious as to whether or not my mom was off of her medication. When I asked her, she pulled a knife on me. Looks like I got my answer. FML

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By angelisa - 21/11/2015 14:54 - United States - Yuba City

Today, I finally felt ready to lose my virginity with my boyfriend. Unfortunately he was too embarrassed to go and buy some condoms, and suggested in all seriousness that we use a sandwich bag instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2018 03:30

Today, I woke up to my disabled mother screaming for me. Fearing the worst, I hopped out of bed only to find that she was yelling because her cat had brought a field mouse inside as a gift. The problem? It was still alive. I had to get it from him and throw it outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 11:49 - United States

Today, I woke up in my friend's living room after our sleepover. I heard her hot older brother and his friends in the kitchen. Feeling confident, I exposed my midriff a little bit just to give them a peek. They groaned and threw a blanket over me. FML

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By whyarewerelated - 8/9/2011 15:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was working alone in the office with my brother. He's run out of work to do, so has been singing Disney songs loudly and badly, throwing stationery at me, and just now snuck up on me from behind and wrapped duct tape round my face. It's just us in the office next week. FML

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By dump truck hater - 3/6/2015 16:18 - United States - Austin

Today, when leaving my apartment, I instantly noticed there was a giant dump truck in our lot, which turned out to be directly behind my car. After making a 20-point escape from my parking space and getting to work late, my roommate texts me "DUDE guess what I got last night". A giant dump truck. FML

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By whymommywhy - 21/4/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my hamster gave birth. The babies were very cute and I couldn't resist petting one. Apparently touching a baby hamster will cause it's mother to reject and devour it. I am now know in my family as "The Hamster Slaughterer." FML

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By chiraag87 - 6/11/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I was called into work to fix up their projection system. I drove 40 kilometers in peak hour to get there. As soon as I parked my car and was about to walk in, I got a phone call saying "Don't worry, we fixed it, you don't have to come in." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, my boss asked me how my parents' divorce affected me as a child. This is a sensitive subject, but I thought he was trying to connect with me so I told him how much it hurt. Turns out he wants to leave his wife and wanted to know if his kids would turn out "messed up" because of it. FML

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By nadalada - 18/2/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, My boyfriend gave me a gift card for $32 to a local salon. I thought the amount was kind of random, but when I went in I saw that the bikini wax was $32. FML

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By toothbreaker - 22/8/2019 11:00 - United States - Tucson

Today, I bought my very first college textbook. I received a stack of hole-punched papers. My $195 "book" isn’t even bound together. FML

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Top comments

By syki | 22

#6621664 - Sunday 5 June 2016 16:43

Love is in the air. Better get out the Benedryl.

By bella_nana347 | 23

#6621699 - Sunday 5 June 2016 17:24

Don't bee too mad about it

Comments

By syki | 22

#6621664 - Sunday 5 June 2016 16:43

Love is in the air. Better get out the Benedryl.

DankNissan | 11

#6621901 - Sunday 5 June 2016 22:12

*BEEnedryl

mlbmarlins | 10

#6622004 - Monday 6 June 2016 1:37

At least you tried?

By cacheson | 41

#6621674 - Sunday 5 June 2016 16:50

Be careful, I don't think bees smell very good.

By awesumous | 16

#6621684 - Sunday 5 June 2016 17:00

Cute boyfriend, it seems like something from a movie (except for the bee part, hope you feel better soon)

Youngbuck94 | 4

#6621810 - Sunday 5 June 2016 19:51

seems like something you might find on a rom-com.

By bella_nana347 | 23

#6621699 - Sunday 5 June 2016 17:24

Don't bee too mad about it

By OlRed | 28

#6621730 - Sunday 5 June 2016 18:16

That was beeeeeutiful

By james_logan | 19

#6621751 - Sunday 5 June 2016 18:49

Bee: "Today, I, a humble worker bee, was pollinating and shit when some douchenozzle pulls out the flower I'm pollinating and some chick sniffs me right up her nostril. I'm covered in mucus and cant see a thing and I accidentally bump my stinger into something... FML"

samwilliams800 | 28

#6621844 - Sunday 5 June 2016 20:37

Best thing I've ever read on here.

By _EnderDoge | 22

#6621800 - Sunday 5 June 2016 19:45

Oh god. That's like my worst nightmare haha

By name_be_jeff | 2

#6621812 - Sunday 5 June 2016 19:53

still better love story than twilight

By bretzeller | 13

#6621820 - Sunday 5 June 2016 19:56

Evil creatures.

By amber11 | 3

#6621889 - Sunday 5 June 2016 21:49

you must have large nostrils