Miscellaneous: Today, while in class, my friend would not stop annoying me by... - FML

By gettinganF - United States - Severn

Today, while in class, my friend would not stop annoying me by tapping me on the shoulder every so often. After the fifth time, I lost my patience, told him to F off, and slapped his hand. Only it wasn't my friend tapping my shoulder this time, it was my teacher. FML

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Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

F*** my overweight life

Modernity

By Anonymous

Today, as I was trying to get out of bed, my foot began sliding across the floor. I instinctively tried to balance myself, only for the new angle to cause my right hip to painfully and loudly dislocate, making me fall face-forward into my dresser. Back stuck in bed after three days of freedom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Trenton

Today, I walked from my friend's wedding to my divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 11:02 - United States - Kenton

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Today, I had a family reunion and there were a lot of people there that I didn't know. The person that I'd been sleeping with for about 7 months showed up. He's my cousin. FML

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By ambulancedriver - Poland

Today, I was on the job as an ambulance driver, I got a call about a man who claimed he'd had a heart attack. When I got to the house, it turned out the man was fine. I did however manage to hit a dog on the way there in fear of the man dying. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I found out that my husband and my cat have something in common; they both like to lick themselves. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I have to go on a 7-hour-bus ride sitting beside my ex-boyfriend's mother. We broke up because she told him to. FML

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By Anon - 19/10/2020 07:57 - United States

Feelings

Today, my parents told me, after 30 years of marriage, that they are getting a divorce. I went to my boyfriend's apartment because I needed some comfort. While sobbing to him, he decided to dump me on the spot because my reaction to the news was "immature" and he wants an "adult" relationship. FML

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By Lost - United States

Today, it was my 18th birthday. Nobody said anything. Gillette sent me a free razor though. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I was at my local McDonald's having a leak when an extremely intoxicated man stumbled in, pulled down his pants, and started to pee on my shoes. FML

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By Nathan - United States

Today, I went to see a therapist for the first time because I've been feeling depressed lately. I opened up and said everything that was on my mind. I really spilled my guts. After a good 30 minutes, her first question was, "Do you always talk this much?" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 02:02

TMI

Today, my granny had the phone on loudspeaker, talking to a friend. When the conversation turned from the price of potatoes to ticks in hard-to-reach places, I fleed into the garden. First thing granny tells me once I’m back: The details of how that tick was all the way up in her friend’s husband’s crotch. FML

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By pass_the_tp - United States

Today, I was at the movie theatre. I went to the bathroom, and was about to wipe my butt when I realized that where the toilet-paper dispenser should have been, there was a large hole. The woman in the next stall waved. FML

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By purrykitty - United States

Today, I tried to spice things up in the bedroom by making love to my husband in a tight leather corset. I ended up passing out. FML

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By thefriedman - United States - Perris

Today, I realized that the air freshener in my bathroom and the air freshener in my girlfriend's bedroom are the exact same scent. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I get an erection, and every time my girlfriend and I have sex in her room, I think about shitting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother came into my room and had a thirty minute long conversation with me. She kept looking very nervous and uncomfortable. Only after she left did I realize that a porn site was open on my computer screen. The entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I met my father for the first time since I was a baby. The first comment out of his mouth was, "I bet all the boys love those motherfucking bazongas, don't they?" Hi, Dad. FML

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By Fuperman - France - Illange

Today, I went on my first ever assisted skydive. I fainted after we jumped, and only came to as we touched the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Catanzaro

Today, while shaving my nether regions, I slipped and sliced myself in three separate places. They won't completely stop bleeding. I'm virtually having a second period, and it hurts to close my legs. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got a mailer from Adam and Eve with a bunch of hard core porn ads inside. I have been getting these since i ordered a Pirate porn video a few months ago. I was gone for a few weeks overseas. My mother-in-law was getting the mail. FML

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By Malarky - United States

Today, I had a cute girl over and we cuddled on my bed. Later she texted me that she had decided that she didn't want to ever do that again because it turned her on. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got reverse suspended for correcting my teacher. Now my mom has to go to all my high school classes with me for a week. FML

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By Rob - United States

Today, I finally released my first music album. I dropped out of college to pay for it after my friends who liked my music urged me to. They keep telling me how much they love the CD. I've only sold one copy. Turns out they put it on a sharing site so only one of them would have to buy it. FML

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By bonehead69 - United States - Taylorville

Today, I'm so deprived of intimacy that I got a raging boner when a waitress called me "hun". FML

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By workworkwork - United States

Today, after working for over ten years at a dead-end factory line, I told my friends I was going to take some business courses and land myself a real job. All they've done since is laugh, mock me, and say that if Clinton couldn't fix the economy, I have no chance. FML

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By Anon - United States - Greensburg

Today, I started my first job as a power line technician. My boss's first words to me were, "I have a good feeling about you, kid!" That would've been great if he hadn't said, "Although, the last time I had a good feeling, the guy died." right afterwards. FML

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By haha - United States

Today, I was at the library, and had finally found the book I'd been looking for, when a man approaches me, says "The main character dies at the end", and walks away. FML

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By Just Lonely - United States - La Place

Today, after not hanging out with anyone the whole year, a guy finally asked me to go the movies with him. When I asked what time, he said, "Never mind, I found another girl." FML

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By Jon - United States

Today, after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. After my mom saw me get my phone to check my messages she said "I think you're addicted to that", to which I said "but it feels so good and every guy does it." She was talking about how I text people a lot. FML

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By jordan.marie97 - Australia

Today, my parents told me they were getting divorced, at the beginning of a family road trip, adding that this'll be the last thing we ever do as a family. FML

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By My_Name_Is_Zach

Today, my neighbor called me on vacation to tell me that she let my mother into my house to feed my fish. I don't have fish, and my mother passed away 3 years ago. FML

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By hot4donny - United States

Today, my family and I were watching Mulan, and I mentioned that I've always had a crush on Shang. After going into detail about how I would "marry his sexy voice" I decided to look up this mystery dream man. To my surprise he was played by Donny Osmond. I will never live this down. FML

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By nali1122

Burned!

Today, I received a text forward from a good friend inviting me to his birthday party. Jokingly, I texted back, "No. I hate you and I don't want to go to your lame party." He replied with an apology for the mix-up, because he'd accidentally sent me the invite. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from a girl I know, asking if i could babysit her little brother at my house tonight. I said yes. When the boy came over he mentioned that his sister was having a party and didn't want him there. Turns out all my friends were invited except me. FML

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By EmbarrassedWife

Today, I texted my husband saying, “No sex tonight, it’s a bloodbath” and realized it was in a group chat with his parents, not directly to him like I'd intended. FML

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By Yippie - Spain - Alcal? De Guadaira

Today, when I woke up, I quickly pulled the bed sheet with my right arm to get out of the bed. I failed to notice that a big portion of the sheet was pinned under my body. My arm dislocated and I fainted because of the pain. Great way to start the day. FML

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By dollfacee - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he thinks I'm cheating on him, with my brother. FML

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By bruisedandconfused - United States - Aberdeen

Today, two days after sending her flowers for Valentine's Day, my dream girl asked me on a date. She didn't show up. Her boyfriend did though. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mclean

Today, a girl I follow on Twitter tweeted, "Why can't I have a cute math tutor?" I'm her math tutor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my girlfriend told me she loved me for the first time. Unfortunately, it was her way of saying that she didn't want to lose me after cheating on me yesterday. FML

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By Ves - United States

Today, a woman walked out of the Humane Society with a cat carrier. I said, "Oh did you adopt him?" She walked past and started crying. She had just brought her cat in to be euthanized. FML

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Top comments

By mylonius | 19

#6613465 - Monday 23 May 2016 22:43

Your teacher has bad timing.

By Tantien | 8

#6613474 - Monday 23 May 2016 22:51

Just explain the situation and you should be fine.

COMMENTS

By mylonius | 19

#6613465 - Monday 23 May 2016 22:43

Your teacher has bad timing.

By waiting4rain | 5

#6613466 - Monday 23 May 2016 22:44

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Candijpg | 17

#6613780 - Tuesday 24 May 2016 11:51

what the *looks around* fuck! Who actually does that

By Tantien | 8

#6613474 - Monday 23 May 2016 22:51

Just explain the situation and you should be fine.

Reply

DRaffie | 18

#6614080 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 0:08

"Should" some teachers aren't as forgiving.

By trucker2 | 33

#6613504 - Monday 23 May 2016 23:25

Lmao... I'm sure the teacher thought you just got up on the wrong side of the bed today....

By chewsef | 17

#6613521 - Monday 23 May 2016 23:54

Just do your best Ralph Wiggum impression and you'll be fine.

By izzajaneful | 24

#6613524 - Tuesday 24 May 2016 0:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By anyagrande | 31

#6613526 - Tuesday 24 May 2016 0:02

Getting angry isn't usually the best way of getting someone to stop annoying you as most of the time they are looking for a reaction, you gotta do some dead pan cold hearted remark like "if you touch me again i will cut off your fingers"

By izzajaneful | 24

#6613532 - Tuesday 24 May 2016 0:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By EnderHorse | 17

#6613550 - Tuesday 24 May 2016 0:34

Saw an FML like this before only instead of slapping the hand, it was an elbow to the stomach, and the teacher was the principal

By feven | 32

#6613563 - Tuesday 24 May 2016 1:07

This all reminds me: When I was younger I accidentally dropped my jacket in the staircase area where it flew down two flights of stairs and landed on the assistant principals head (who I was terrified of.) I remember trying to causally walk by and acting like I had no idea who dropped the jacket when she was screaming. Wow. Fifth grade was tough.