Miscellaneous: Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After...

By Mmm - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After using it, we couldn't find how to tell if she was or wasn't pregnant. After about 10 minutes of waiting, Google searching, and tension, I realized I had bought an ovulation test. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Sorry…

Coherence dude, do you have it?

By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 02:02

Empathy Man

Today, I told my man I was feeling a lack of emotional closeness and dialogue in our relationship. I'd hoped for a comeback like, "So what do you need in order to change that?" Or even, "Aw, come here, let's cuddle!" Instead, I got a simple, "I don't." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a big family dinner. I didn't realize I hadn't been invited until we were about to sit down to eat. There were 12 chairs, 12 plates, 12 forks, and 12 glasses. I was the 13th person to arrive. FML

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By NotHungryAnymore - United States - Rochester

Today, my boss is now so comfortable with me that she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she goes digging for gold in her nose through every conversation we have. FML

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By DeeGirlMon - Canada - Calgary

Misconstrued

Today, the coworker I've had a crush on for the past few months asked me if I was busy Friday night. I was so excited, I immediately replied, "I thought you'd never ask!" He gave me a funny look and said, "Good, because I need you to take my shift." FML

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By Nancy

Today, I sat on an elevator for 10 minutes thinking I was stuck. After waiting awhile I looked at the screen to see what floor I was stuck on, only to realize I hadn't pressed a button so I had just stayed on the ground floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Nice family you've got there

Today, while chatting with my in-laws, I told them about my upcoming spinal surgery. Soon after, when I went to get us some drinks, I overheard them murmuring about how many surgeries I've already had, how I'm a drain on the healthcare system, and how I should ideally just die. FML

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By loser - United States - Washington

Today, after dealing with infidelity in my marriage, I found myself looking for advice. This led me to the comments section of a tabloid article talking about Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson. I'm a 30-year-old man taking marriage advice from a bunch of vampire-obsessed tweens. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I had an upset stomach all day at work. When lunch break came, I rushed to the bathroom. Just as I turned into an unstoppable human whoopie cushion, a co-worker walked in. He heard the entire arse symphony, and just asked "What the fuck, dude?!" as he left. FML

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By MgmEboy - Canada

Today, I saw a YouTube video of a guy scratching a knife and a screwdriver on his iPod, and at the end he showed how there were no scratches and the screen was still clean. I took my iPod touch and did the same with a knife. It didn't work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard a little girl saying how much she didnt want braces to her mom because they hurt and make people look ugly. I looked at her and said, "Aww, there not that bad. See, I have them!" I then smiled to show her. She turned to her mom and said, "See!" then started to cry. FML

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By FlatTire - United States

Today, I found out that I have enough driving skills to manage to hit a pothole and have two of my tires go flat. FML

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By OhNo. - United States

Today, I had a job interview, but I arrived kind of late. I was in so much of a hurry that I hit a woman walking by in the face with the door. I offered to drive her to the hospital. Turns out that she was going to be interviewing me. She didn't offer to reschedule. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, my husband and I had some bath time to ourselves. After having sex, he decided to put bath salts in my vagina to spice things up for the next round. It's been twenty minutes out of the bath and it still feels like there are pop rocks in my vagina. FML

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By crushed - Australia

Today, the job search agency that I use asked me to stop sending in my resume, as no one had hired me in three years, and that the situation was unlikely to change. FML

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By sadmother - Canada

Today, I asked my daughter what time it was. She stared at the clock for several seconds before muttering, "I don't know". She's 14 years old and on the honour roll, and yet she can't tell the time on an analogue clock. FML

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By me - United States - Findlay

Today, while volunteering at a local museum, I politely told an elderly gentleman to have a nice day. He responded by yelling "NO" and storming off. Everyone looked at me like I was some sort of monster. FML

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By Longhorn2011 - United States

Today, I went commando because its 98 degrees and sweaty boxers are a pain. While walking to class at UT I heard a girl laugh behind me, I turned and flashed a quick smile and kept walking. It turns out I had sweat through my khakis and she totally could see my crack. Texas weather sucks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Birmingham

Today, I waited 45 minutes at the Apple Store for my grandpa to very loudly ask why PornHub wasn't loading on his computer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I had to explain to a friend that the show writers for Glee did not write "Bohemian Rhapsody" and that Freddie Mercury did not steal the song from them. We're both 17 years old, and she reacted by kicking a chair at me. FML

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By Randy - United States

Today, I got home from work to find my wife asleep in her easy chair with my two year old son asleep in a pile of torn-up paper. I soon found out it was my 1960s collection of a Superman comic book series that I inherited from my dad. It was worth well over $2,000. FML

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By Olerbia - United States

Today, while working at Walmart, I was walking the sales floor and passed the end of an aisle. I saw a customer coming at me from the corner of my eye, so I jumped backwards. I hit a display case, and watched it topple over before turning to apologize to the customer. It was a ladder. FML

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By Jason the flasher

Today, I went to a party that my friends were throwing. I had a great time and got blackout drunk. I woke up to videos from my girlfriend from last night. At some point I'd managed to take off my shorts and boxers and spent the rest of the party naked from the waist down. FML

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By RebekahBrooke - United States

Today, I started my first day as a waitress. After getting my ass slapped, drinks and food spilled over me, and being tripped by a bratty kid, my tips were stolen. FML

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By jibberish - United States

Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML

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By redcherries90 - United States

Today, I slipped on the new snow and sprained my ankle. As my mom and I were leaving the emergency room, she says, "You owe me $4 for parking," and she meant it. FML

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By Gale - United States

Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend, his response was, "I'll start watching pregnant porn to build up an attraction to it." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was selected to give my speech to the entire school. I was later told it had to be censored because it was inappropriate, even though I was just trying to make a point. My speech was on political correctness. My speech on political correctness was censored for political reasons. FML

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By moneymoneymoney - United States - Tampa

Today, my financial troubles got so bad, I contemplated visiting a friend simply so I could swipe their deodorant. FML

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By Jess Garcia - 28/4/2021 17:01

Masochist

Today, I sabotaged my marriage by putting the idea of an open relationship that I never wanted into my husband's head. Why the fuck? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I accidentally said, "Bye, love you," to a co-worker as I clocked out. Before I made it home, I had six missed calls and a long text from my co-worker professing her love to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I introduced my dad, who is a surgeon, to the TV show House. I thought it'd be a good bonding experience. How wrong I was. He spent the whole time yelling about the "insane" medical inaccuracies, then lectured me about my crappy taste in TV. FML

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By skreweduP - United States

Today, I went on a date with this guy and he was on his phone the whole night. When I got home I checked his facebook since he barely paid attention to me. His status was, "So-and-so is taking out the trash" from mobile posted an hour ago. I got home from my date 30 mins ago. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife kicked me out of my own bed to go and sleep on the sofa because the dog was whining, and would only stop if she was allowed to sleep on my side of the bed. My wife would rather sleep with the dog than me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got my first university math midterm back. I did so bad that my teacher put a sadface on the first page. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, at my retail job, I tried on one of our hats. My co-worker told me I shouldn't because I could get lice. I laughed it off and told her I didn't believe her. Man, do I believe her now. FML

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By "bluebird97"

Today, my boyfriend called work because he is sick. Then he called me 4 times while I was working, to complain that I was working, and then he got mad when I told him I was sick and worked a double shift 2 days in a row, apparently that is insensitive of me. FML

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By youaresodumb - United States

Routine

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I finished too quickly and apologized. She said she was used to it by now. FML

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By I hate games - United States - Belton

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through charades. FML

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By Karate Kid - Australia - Surry Hills

Today, I was showing some new karate moves in the park to my friends. I mimed a punch behind a girl walking past to show my technique and control, but she must have seen me. She turned around and kicked me in the stomach. To add insult to injury, her technique was better than mine. FML

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Top comments

By FunnnyGirrl | 19

#6361853 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:24

Just a quick question, did you guys actually read the box? Seems like that would've cleared up a lot of confusion.

By cat4651 | 15

#6361846 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:21

But...is she pregnant?

COMMENTS

By zAstonish | 20

#6361845 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:21

Well, all your girlfriend did when she used it was egg you on. This one's on her.

Nessco | 36

#6361872 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:59

I really hope your girlfriend is not pregnant.

cluch3 | 22

#6361883 - Sunday 26 July 2015 13:33

Whay if they wanted a child? Do you want to deny them the love and joy of a small child?

Jowisee | 29

#6361940 - Sunday 26 July 2015 14:52

Did no one else get the "egg" pun here??

mads_nicole | 19

#6361943 - Sunday 26 July 2015 14:58

Yes, it just wasn't funny.

By cat4651 | 15

#6361846 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:21

But...is she pregnant?

Ms_ValS | 27

#6361881 - Sunday 26 July 2015 13:30

OP please do reproduce multiple times with this woman.

By FunnnyGirrl | 19

#6361853 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:24

Just a quick question, did you guys actually read the box? Seems like that would've cleared up a lot of confusion.

DoomSkuller | 28

#6362038 - Sunday 26 July 2015 17:34

And there's usually an instruction paper inside the box, isn't there?

Eliiara | 11

#6362063 - Sunday 26 July 2015 18:26

Seriously. Usually it says like "ovulation tracker" in big words on the outside of the box.

By skippydoda | 32

#6361854 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:25

I realize that there are usually shelved in the same place. However, they are clearly labeled, only takes a second to check if you're getting the right box.

whysobeachy | 37

#6362086 - Sunday 26 July 2015 18:53

OP was probably too worried to notice what the box said. I really don't blame him.

By Geckosrock99 | 33

#6361856 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:27

Always read the box before buying, OP. Less confusion, and some places like to charge more than necessary for those kinds of things.

MandieL | 27

#6361914 - Sunday 26 July 2015 14:16

Most ovulation kits come with more than one test because they want you to test yourself for 7+ days for best results, so ovulation tests are way more expensive than pregnancy tests.

ford_chick_22 | 12

#6361942 - Sunday 26 July 2015 14:54

Pregnancy tests come in packs of 3 or 5...it's not just ovulation tests that come in packs

MandieL | 27

#6362064 - Sunday 26 July 2015 18:27

The most I've ever seen in a pregnancy test pack is 2. I wish I had larger packs where I am, save in bulk :)

By Honest_Guy | 10

#6361863 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:35

Just go get another test, this time a pregnancy one

By TheDog6 | 24

#6361864 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:35

So... Pick out any names yet?

Econforthwin | 15

#6361956 - Sunday 26 July 2015 15:58

How about Byron as in I be Byron the wrong test.

By arrowgold | 19

#6361867 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:39

Ouch like mentioned those are more expensive than the pregnancy ones so that sucks. It can be easy to get confused, but reading the box would have saved you the trouble.

By Alicimo | 11

#6361868 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:41

Me and my boyfriend have done this OP don't feel bad it's a mistake x

Morning_fml | 22

#6362175 - Sunday 26 July 2015 19:45

Yeah but it's a pretty stupid one so he should feel bad.

By usnwife | 18

#6361879 - Sunday 26 July 2015 13:27

Well, if it came back positive you know she isnt pregnant... I suggest paying more attention at the store next time OP!