Miscellaneous: Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After...

By Mmm - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After using it, we couldn't find how to tell if she was or wasn't pregnant. After about 10 minutes of waiting, Google searching, and tension, I realized I had bought an ovulation test. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Thanks Felicia

Give me my drugs!

By loserman - United States

Today, I accidentally deleted my entire email inbox. Everything from the last 3 years. EV-ER-Y-THING. FML

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By sandysmith - United States

Today, my boyfriend was at my house to hang out. When he was leaving I thought it would be cute to run and jump on him to say goodbye. He fell and hit his head. He is now in the hospital with a concussion. FML

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By SebastianCT - United States - Tampa

Today, I learned that it's possible to get hit by a bird while bungee jumping. FML

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By zanaruka - 19/5/2020 05:00

The customer is always an ass

Today, an angry customer rubbed her hand all over my face, all while showing me her positive COVID-19 test results. FML

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By screwedupkid

Today, I sarcastically pointed out a book to my mom, titled "Living Successfully With Screwed Up People." She already has it. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Wareham

Today, I spilled loose face powder on myself while applying my make-up. My sister subsequently walked in on me vacuuming my crotch. FML

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By Meg93

Today, I went to a concert for the first time in 5 years. I got all dressed up and even ended up hanging out with the band. The night came to a screeching halt when I got a migraine and ended up in the ER vomiting non-stop. I was in the hospital all night. FML

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By Alan - Germany

Today, I agreed to stay a week with my wife's parents, who she told me were traditional Japanese. I was prepared for having to wear Japanese clothes while in the house, but I wasn't prepared for communal bathing in the same huge bath with her father, grandfather, uncle and two brothers. FML

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By RB84

Today I got a call from my daughter's school, because she claimed that she couldn't see out of her right eye. I panicked and went to pick her up. On the way to the emergency room, she turns to me and says, "I'm fine. I didn't want to take a test." FML

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By 11321 - United States

Today, I went on somewhat of a blind date. The date was OK until he tried to spoon feed me. This didn't go over so well. Later, I noticed a strange looking brief case he was carrying. I asked him what it was and he whipped out 5 yoyos and did a yoyo show in the middle of the restaurant. FML

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By FastFoodWaiter - United States - Saukville

Today, a woman came up to me at work and screamed at me for "taking forever" to come and wait at her table. I work at Wendy's. FML

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By Bex

Today, I got back home after traveling in internet-scarce areas. The first thing I did when I got a solid connection was withdraw from a study abroad program I couldn't afford. Later I found the email telling me that I had been offered an all-expenses-paid scholarship. Too bad I'm not going now. FML

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By Profucktardor - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my university professor admitted to sometimes just winging it when she's teaching. "Yeah," she said, "sometimes I just don't get this stuff either." No wonder I'm failing. 5ML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my religious parents were hosting a family dinner. Not only did we have to wait over an hour for my grandma to finally show up, but when she did, she had her 30 year old boytoy in tow. Apparently, "Granny has needs too you know, hahaha!" Goodbye peaceful family. FML

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By Aisu - United States

Today, my mother called me a bad son for not telling her "Happy Mother's Day". When I told her Mother's Day wasn't until the 10th, she said that I would have forgotten anyway. FML

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By STOPattheSIGNbitch - 5/4/2020 08:00

Tonight, on Idiots in Cars…

Today, a woman in an SUV rolled a stop sign and hit me, resulting in simultaneously twisting my foot in my bike and being knocked into oncoming traffic. Her excuse before I went to the ER? The sun was in her eyes. FML

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By sigh... - United States

Today, after several hours of trying to get my triplet daughters to go to bed, they finally fell asleep. Exhausted, I went to the bathroom so I could go to bed. Not thinking about it, I dropped the toilet seat down rather loudly and flushed the toilet. All three girls woke up crying. FML

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By Le Dookie - United States - Sugar Land

Today, I got denied a refund for my dream coffee machine. I've overdrafted my bank account to buy it on Offer Up for an excellent price, but USPS delivered the package to a wrong address. Someone got it for free. Offer Up won't refund me because it says "delivered" on the tracking page. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took this gorgeous girl from work to eat at Olive Garden. I was trying to be romantic and had the waiter bring two glasses of wine. I guess she doesn't really drink wine, she covered her fettucini Alfredo in vomit. After dinner, she thanked me with a french kiss. FML

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By but cum to think of it...

Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML

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By GavinHosler - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad (one of my roomates name) when I came. Now her and her friends think i'm gay and my roomate Brad moved out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after the last few months of my sister living with me while she finds her feet, I asked if she could help me out by doing the washing up. Half an hour later, I walked into knee high dish soap foam in the kitchen. My sister was right in the middle, trying to sculpt dicks. She's 20. FML

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By stinkystinky

Today, after cleaning the whole house, I still couldn't get rid of the foul smell. Later, my roommate revealed his new place to "stash and dry" his socks: The ventilation ducts. FML

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By rawr

Losing my mind

Today, I managed to lose a 3XL fleece jacket in my house, which had my wallet and car keys in it. I had the pleasure of explaining this to my boss when I had to call in, after everyone I called did not respond. FML

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By Fought The Law - United States

Today, my elderly neighbor called the police because my cat was in her yard. I now have a citation and a court date. Apparently, there is a leash law for cats in my town, and it is taken very seriously. FML

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By stupid - United States

Today, I had to hand write a 10 page essay for one of my classes. When I turned it in I got an automatic zero. It was written in blue. Not black. FML

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By DestinyJoy

Today, at Starbucks, I complimented the awkward nerdy barista's name tag because of the funny Sonic decorations on it. The dude took it as me flirting and gave me my drink with Sonic drawn on it. I had applied to work there and now I can't go back. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to explain to a customer that she can't use the bathroom while going through the drive-thru. I still don't understand what exactly she had in mind. FML

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By One Angry Vegan

Today, marks 2 weeks since I got Oral Allergy Syndrome, a.k.a. randomly becoming allergic to apples, bananas, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, grapes, mangos, carrots, celery, beets, sunflower seeds, fennel, my toothpaste, and more things I just haven't tried yet. I'm vegan. FML

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By comics over coatis

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me for starting to give him oral sex because I wasn't paying attention to the Marvel movie he was showing me. FML

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By Nachos4lifs

He did not care

Today, after years of pretty much no sex from my long term partner, I admitted I was having dreams about sex with other people. I hoped to get a reaction from him. However, he didn't react at all. FML

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By Bonapp - France

Today, I was invited over by my girlfriend's parents, but I couldn't bring myself to take part in their discussions. During a lull in conversation, I noticed everyone was staring at me. Covering myself while I tried to think of something to say, I grabbed an apple and took a bite. It was plastic. FML

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By singingintherain

Today, ever since my boyfriend has seen A Clockwork Orange, he always suggests that we have sex by asking, "How about a little of the good old in-out-in-out?" and refers to his genitals as, "Yarbles". He seriously doesn't understand why this turns me off every time and our sex life has sunk. FML

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By catbum - Canada - Regina

Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML

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By Confused

Today, I woke up 2 hours early to go to the physical therapist my doctor referred me to. She did confirm physical therapy will help, but she doesn't treat my issue. She’s also the only person in my city who takes my insurance. FML

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By bunkbed - Canada

Today, I bought my daughter a bunk bed. After spending several hours building it, she climbed up, then fainted. Turns out she's afraid of heights. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Noblesville

Today, after getting into bed, I found a used condom under my covers. I asked my roommate about it. She freely admitted that since my bed was comfier than hers, she had sex with her boyfriend on it. FML

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By FakeID - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

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By roo - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting a flight home. I'd worn a belt because my skirt was too big. When I walked through security, they asked me to remove my belt. My skirt fell down in front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that my husband is a tad paranoid after finding out that our cat has worms. He and I were in the middle of sharing a romantic shower following something of a dry spell when he bent over, spread his cheeks apart and asked, in earnest, "is there a worm sticking out of my ass?" FML

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Top comments

By FunnnyGirrl | 19

#6361853 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:24

Just a quick question, did you guys actually read the box? Seems like that would've cleared up a lot of confusion.

By cat4651 | 15

#6361846 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:21

But...is she pregnant?

COMMENTS

By zAstonish | 20

#6361845 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:21

Well, all your girlfriend did when she used it was egg you on. This one's on her.

Nessco | 36

#6361872 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:59

I really hope your girlfriend is not pregnant.

cluch3 | 22

#6361883 - Sunday 26 July 2015 13:33

Whay if they wanted a child? Do you want to deny them the love and joy of a small child?

Jowisee | 29

#6361940 - Sunday 26 July 2015 14:52

Did no one else get the "egg" pun here??

mads_nicole | 19

#6361943 - Sunday 26 July 2015 14:58

Yes, it just wasn't funny.

By cat4651 | 15

#6361846 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:21

But...is she pregnant?

Ms_ValS | 27

#6361881 - Sunday 26 July 2015 13:30

OP please do reproduce multiple times with this woman.

By FunnnyGirrl | 19

#6361853 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:24

Just a quick question, did you guys actually read the box? Seems like that would've cleared up a lot of confusion.

DoomSkuller | 28

#6362038 - Sunday 26 July 2015 17:34

And there's usually an instruction paper inside the box, isn't there?

Eliiara | 11

#6362063 - Sunday 26 July 2015 18:26

Seriously. Usually it says like "ovulation tracker" in big words on the outside of the box.

By skippydoda | 32

#6361854 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:25

I realize that there are usually shelved in the same place. However, they are clearly labeled, only takes a second to check if you're getting the right box.

whysobeachy | 37

#6362086 - Sunday 26 July 2015 18:53

OP was probably too worried to notice what the box said. I really don't blame him.

By Geckosrock99 | 33

#6361856 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:27

Always read the box before buying, OP. Less confusion, and some places like to charge more than necessary for those kinds of things.

MandieL | 27

#6361914 - Sunday 26 July 2015 14:16

Most ovulation kits come with more than one test because they want you to test yourself for 7+ days for best results, so ovulation tests are way more expensive than pregnancy tests.

ford_chick_22 | 12

#6361942 - Sunday 26 July 2015 14:54

Pregnancy tests come in packs of 3 or 5...it's not just ovulation tests that come in packs

MandieL | 27

#6362064 - Sunday 26 July 2015 18:27

The most I've ever seen in a pregnancy test pack is 2. I wish I had larger packs where I am, save in bulk :)

By Honest_Guy | 10

#6361863 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:35

Just go get another test, this time a pregnancy one

By TheDog6 | 24

#6361864 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:35

So... Pick out any names yet?

Econforthwin | 15

#6361956 - Sunday 26 July 2015 15:58

How about Byron as in I be Byron the wrong test.

By arrowgold | 19

#6361867 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:39

Ouch like mentioned those are more expensive than the pregnancy ones so that sucks. It can be easy to get confused, but reading the box would have saved you the trouble.

By Alicimo | 11

#6361868 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:41

Me and my boyfriend have done this OP don't feel bad it's a mistake x

Morning_fml | 22

#6362175 - Sunday 26 July 2015 19:45

Yeah but it's a pretty stupid one so he should feel bad.

By usnwife | 18

#6361879 - Sunday 26 July 2015 13:27

Well, if it came back positive you know she isnt pregnant... I suggest paying more attention at the store next time OP!