Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After...

By Mmm - 25/7/2015 10:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After using it, we couldn't find how to tell if she was or wasn't pregnant. After about 10 minutes of waiting, Google searching, and tension, I realized I had bought an ovulation test. FML

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Miscellaneous

Messed up

Capitalism kills

Fashion Police

By Anonymous - 8/11/2014 17:24 - United States - Newtown

Today, I was at my friend's Bar Mitzvah. After he finished his long-winded speech, I sarcastically did the mockingjay sign from the Hunger Games. It took a couple of seconds before I realized how that looked, and a couple more for me to be shouted down and kicked out. FML

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By forthethreeofus - 22/7/2019 22:00

Today, I went to a nice restaurant with my grandfather, who kept telling me to be kind towards our waiter, as he was probably just starting his summer job. The same waiter who, as my granddad had probably forgotten, had brought us our food six months ago and was now standing four feet away. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, I was driving to work. I saw a cute boy in the car next to me. To try and look cool, I pretended I was talking on my cell phone. I got pulled over and got a ticket for using my cell phone while driving. FML

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By delamer - 29/1/2012 16:00 - United States

Today, I found out we have new neighbors in our apartment complex that park in the stall next to our truck. Turns out their car is the same make of our truck. And it also turns out that when I unlock our truck it will set off their car alarm - every time. FML

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By theapplesleader - 23/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Washington

Yucky!

Today, I picked my dog up and nibbled her ear. On the tip of her ear was a large tick, which burst, sending blood into my mouth. FML

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By jeezy - 23/2/2009 10:35 - Canada

Today, I was working my shift and my ex girlfriend came in to apply for a job. She broke up with me for another guy so i can't stand being in the same room as her. The manager talked to her and decided to hire her on the spot. I need to train her. FML

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By FartyCar - 30/11/2018 17:30

Today, I found a bag of frozen broccoli in my car boot from when I went shopping 3 days ago. My whole car smells like farts now. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 08:02

Constructive criticism

Today, I had just finished a really intense workout in my garage gym. It was chilly outside, but I crossed the road home in my shorts, as I was still pretty hot and sweaty. A woman walked by and asked, "Aren't you cold, you skinny little whore?" FML

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By thewallrules - 5/12/2009 14:10 - United States

Today, I woke up to a stranger in my dorm room. He was naked and was peeing into my water bottle. He kept asking for Chris. I have no idea who Chris is. FML

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By LindseyS - 20/3/2012 02:00 - United States

FML: Uncensored

Today, I was enjoying my last day of Spring Break in Panama City. I got up to dance on the stage at the Holiday Inn in front of hundreds of college kids. I tried to be sexy by turning around and bending over. My friends took pictures and my bloody tampon string was hanging out the whole time. FML

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By anonymous - 4/5/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I went into work to set up a new store. There was a lot of lifting so I dressed casual. This happened to be the day the owner brought in his conservative family to check out the store. I was wearing a shirt that says "everyone poops" and has a donkey and elephant pooping. FML

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By sigh - 7/11/2015 05:39 - Australia - Rockdale

Today, my husband is sulking because he "can't" have sex with me. I've tried initiating things multiple times, but he keeps saying no, because I'm pregnant and he says it'd be exactly the same as having sex with his own kid. FML

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By fourfootnine - 7/3/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML

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By ohmygoodness - 2/3/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's place with grumbling stomach pains. I left him in bed to go have explosive diarreah in the bathroom next to his room. When I was done, I came back to bed and snuggled in next to his sleeping form and he rolled over to whisper, "I heard everthing." FML

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By zep - 7/6/2009 11:41 - United States

Today, I was hard at work cleaning up from a party I had while my parents were out for the night. Not a bottle of beer or a red cup was left for them to find. However, my parents did find two of my friends in their bedroom, still passed out and naked from beer and sex last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2020 05:00

Manly men fighting

Today, my boyfriend got drunk and had a fistfight with a dumb teenager, which was bad enough, but he also lost the fight, which was just pathetic and embarrassing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 14:35 - United Kingdom

Today, while playing badminton, I was so distracted by my ex winking at me that I didn't notice the shuttle cock that hit me in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2010 18:57 - United States

Today, I decided to put on my Halloween make-up to be sure that I could and that it would look nice. I was satisfied with my results, and went to wash it off. Everything came off fine, except for the eye liner and eye shadow. It's bright purple. I'm a man. Halloween isn't until Sunday. FML

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By anonymous - 27/12/2011 22:32 - United States

Today, I was driving home from work when I saw the woman in the car in front of me throw something out the window. Only when it landed on my windshield did I realize what it was. A bloody tampon. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2014 04:12 - United States - Woodland

Today, my mom left the house in the morning, leaving me alone. I called and I got no answer. Hours later, she finally answers one of my calls and tells me that she'd been in an AA meeting all this time. Happy, I tell her to come home. She came home drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 18:00

Today, I posted that I'm having a yard sale and listed a bunch of stuff I'm selling. People started messaging, asking me to send pictures and prices. That's why I'm having the yard sale, so I don't have to post pictures and prices! FML

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By oceangirl - 8/2/2012 00:14 - United States

Today, I texted my flatmate to ask him when he would be paying his portion of the rent, since he has told me he would be late this month. He wrote back to inform me that he had moved out last night while I was away, and that he won't be paying me anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2010 08:40 - Vietnam

Today, I'm on holiday in Vietnam, and was wearing a new shirt. In a restaurant, the waitress pointed at my shirt and said something I couldn't understand, so I just smiled and nodded my head. She then gave me a weird look and walked away. Turns out there was a huge spider on it. FML

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By supergirl7 - 27/7/2011 22:21 - United States

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

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By firethorn - 20/6/2011 05:57 - United States

Today, I opened my Father's Day present from my mother-in-law. It was a glamor shot of her. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I got a completely random boner at a coffee shop, five seconds before two attractive women asked me to stand up and take their picture. FML

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By wantsleep - 28/12/2016 08:25

Today, my boss continues to think it's appropriate to send me whining texts about work at midnight. Or 4 a.m. I think his complaints about not selling as much candy as he expected can wait till work hours. FML

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By Roger Quimble - 24/5/2019 00:04

Today, after taking a refreshing shower, I found out that due to a newly-built platform, people in the apartment underneath can see right into my bedroom. While I was standing there completely naked, some guy smiled at me. FML

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By Roselyn Cazares - 23/7/2017 19:55

Today, I was petting my female hamster when I felt a big mass under her. I immediately thought it was a tumor so I poked it to see if it hurt her. It didn't. Turns out my female hamster is actually a male, and he has really big balls. I touched my hamster's balls. FML

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By TheComputerGuy96 - 22/5/2010 07:56 - Italy

Today, I was locked out of my house. After hours of trying to break the door, I found out I accidentally left a window open. The door, however, still needs to be replaced. FML

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By meeeeeee - 26/11/2011 15:38 - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend peeing in the cat's litter box. I'm the one who has to clean it out. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2012 00:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2011 09:03 - United States

Today, my best friend threw my football over a wall, so we hopped over to go and get it. Next thing we know, we're both surrounded by men pointing guns in our faces. FML

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By Sadfaic - 23/1/2012 02:59 - United States

Today, my long lost father came to visit me. He got drunk, then tried to beat me up. My neighbor called the police, and as soon as they got there, my father yelled, "Help! This man tried to stab me!" The sad part is, they believed him. FML

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By Worst City in the World - 22/3/2018 15:00

Today, I traveled through a winter storm to NYC. After a miserable interview, I got in my car and drove only 200 feet before being pulled over and ticketed for momentarily picking up my GPS. Today's total: 5 points, $150, no new job, and 6 hours of driving in a Nor'easter. FML

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By peopleinthepark - 30/5/2009 14:46 - United States

Today, it was beautiful out. I decided to play guitar at the park near my house. I left my guitar case open, asking not for money but for feedback. I got two pieces of paper with feedback: 1) You're fat. 2) Get a life. FML

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By ScaredDude - 19/5/2019 04:07

Today, I was home alone in the dark and I heard the doorbell ring. I didn't know who it was so I didn't answer. They kept ringing, so I got a bit scared and called the police. When the police showed up, they told me it was a Chinese delivery guy with the wrong address. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2019 16:15

Today, the neighbors' kid got a new airhorn. FML

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By katie06 - 28/10/2010 06:39 - United States

Today, my dad explained to me the "chain of command" for our house. McKinley, Mom, himself, Charlie, then me. McKinley is my two year old daughter and Charlie is the dog. He was dead serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 23:10

Bit on the side

Today, I have been talking to someone for the past 9 months. He always said he could never give me a relationship. But he loves me. He finally told me it’s because he’s been with someone for 3 years and I’m basically the side chick he fell in love with. FML

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Top comments

By FunnnyGirrl | 19

#6361853 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:24

Just a quick question, did you guys actually read the box? Seems like that would've cleared up a lot of confusion.

By cat4651 | 15

#6361846 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:21

But...is she pregnant?

COMMENTS

By zAstonish | 20

#6361845 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:21

Well, all your girlfriend did when she used it was egg you on. This one's on her.

Nessco | 36

#6361872 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:59

I really hope your girlfriend is not pregnant.

cluch3 | 22

#6361883 - Sunday 26 July 2015 13:33

Whay if they wanted a child? Do you want to deny them the love and joy of a small child?

Jowisee | 29

#6361940 - Sunday 26 July 2015 14:52

Did no one else get the "egg" pun here??

mads_nicole | 19

#6361943 - Sunday 26 July 2015 14:58

Yes, it just wasn't funny.

By cat4651 | 15

#6361846 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:21

But...is she pregnant?

Ms_ValS | 27

#6361881 - Sunday 26 July 2015 13:30

OP please do reproduce multiple times with this woman.

By FunnnyGirrl | 19

#6361853 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:24

Just a quick question, did you guys actually read the box? Seems like that would've cleared up a lot of confusion.

DoomSkuller | 28

#6362038 - Sunday 26 July 2015 17:34

And there's usually an instruction paper inside the box, isn't there?

Eliiara | 11

#6362063 - Sunday 26 July 2015 18:26

Seriously. Usually it says like "ovulation tracker" in big words on the outside of the box.

By skippydoda | 32

#6361854 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:25

I realize that there are usually shelved in the same place. However, they are clearly labeled, only takes a second to check if you're getting the right box.

whysobeachy | 37

#6362086 - Sunday 26 July 2015 18:53

OP was probably too worried to notice what the box said. I really don't blame him.

By Geckosrock99 | 33

#6361856 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:27

Always read the box before buying, OP. Less confusion, and some places like to charge more than necessary for those kinds of things.

MandieL | 27

#6361914 - Sunday 26 July 2015 14:16

Most ovulation kits come with more than one test because they want you to test yourself for 7+ days for best results, so ovulation tests are way more expensive than pregnancy tests.

ford_chick_22 | 12

#6361942 - Sunday 26 July 2015 14:54

Pregnancy tests come in packs of 3 or 5...it's not just ovulation tests that come in packs

MandieL | 27

#6362064 - Sunday 26 July 2015 18:27

The most I've ever seen in a pregnancy test pack is 2. I wish I had larger packs where I am, save in bulk :)

By Honest_Guy | 10

#6361863 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:35

Just go get another test, this time a pregnancy one

By TheDog6 | 24

#6361864 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:35

So... Pick out any names yet?

Econforthwin | 15

#6361956 - Sunday 26 July 2015 15:58

How about Byron as in I be Byron the wrong test.

By arrowgold | 19

#6361867 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:39

Ouch like mentioned those are more expensive than the pregnancy ones so that sucks. It can be easy to get confused, but reading the box would have saved you the trouble.

By Alicimo | 11

#6361868 - Sunday 26 July 2015 12:41

Me and my boyfriend have done this OP don't feel bad it's a mistake x

Morning_fml | 22

#6362175 - Sunday 26 July 2015 19:45

Yeah but it's a pretty stupid one so he should feel bad.

By usnwife | 18

#6361879 - Sunday 26 July 2015 13:27

Well, if it came back positive you know she isnt pregnant... I suggest paying more attention at the store next time OP!