Choose the period

Sunday 2 February 2014

Choose a category

Agreed
Commented
Favorited

Today, my boyfriend gave me a teddy bear. I thought it was a sweet thing to do, until I saw him open a slit in its back while visiting later in the day and removing a bag of weed. He gave me a teddy bear just so he could smuggle drugs past my parents. FML

by Anonymous / 02/03/2014 at 4:29pm / United Kingdom (Suffolk) / Love

Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML

by jigglepuff / 02/09/2014 at 12:00pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother came to my first standup comedy act. He'd apparently read my material beforehand, and kept finishing my jokes for me. FML

by DeeDee / 02/04/2014 at 5:08pm / Austria (Wien) / Miscellaneous

Today, while in the prison I work at, I came down with severe digestion issues. Master control probably laughed as they watched me wait at the security gates in a cold sweat, squeezing my ass-cheeks together like an inmate smuggling contraband. FML

by TwistedCherub1 / 02/01/2014 at 5:42pm / United States / Work

Today, my boss let me know that I'm being laid off, via a text message that ended in "lmao". FML

by soon to be unemployed / 01/28/2014 at 5:36pm / United Kingdom (Southampton) / Work

Today, my roommate showed me a video of a cockroach crawling all over my face while I was asleep in the lounge. FML

by mac / 01/27/2014 at 9:40am / Australia (New South Wales) / Animals

Today, my mother-in-law called me every 2 hours, starting at 8pm and stopping at 10am the following morning. She says that since my wife and I are expecting our first child, I should "get used to waking up at all hours." She calls my work phone, which I'm not allowed to switch off. FML

Today, Facebook put something out that shows a video of your entire life on the website. A part of it showed your most popular status update. Mine was from when I got dumped at Christmas. FML

by BigLove / 02/04/2014 at 9:25pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, while cleaning a carpet in my house, something in it sliced my foot. I couldn't find what it was, so I went to clean the wound. 10 minutes later, I sliced my foot again on the same thing. I still can't figure out what it was. FML

by sashimi9999 / 02/06/2014 at 8:32pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I realized that my dog has more work experience than I do. He's a retired military working dog, and I have a Master's degree. FML

by Pooper scooper / 01/28/2014 at 3:22am / Guam / Animals

Today, I was bitched out at 2am by my parents, for trying to "sneak out." I was sneaking out of my bedroom to take a crap. FML

by Anonymous / 02/02/2014 at 12:33pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I check my phone regularly for calls or texts from her. I take her out to eat frequently, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Today I realized the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my grandma. FML

by grandma / 02/08/2014 at 10:12am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at the library, working with some classmates on our major semester project. I accidentally killed power to the row of computers by me. I've never had so many enraged faces looking at me before. FML

by AnonymousQuagga / 02/06/2014 at 10:07pm / United States (Texas) / Work