The Top

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Great tip, thanks

By Anonymous - 11/07/2013 07:10 - United States - Cedar Crest

Today, my therapist told me to write any negative thoughts that I had on a piece of paper and then set fire to it. When I lit it in the trash can, huge flames broke out and I had to throw the trash can out my window to keep from setting my house on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 421

You deserved it 41 017

Kinda sweet

By cakegirl - 26/05/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend invited me over, so I went, not thinking anything of it. To my surprise, he broke up with me. I was pretty upset, and as I was leaving his mom handed me a box. When I got home, I opened it. His mom had baked me a break-up cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 482

You deserved it 3 822

By lotd - 31/07/2012 23:28 - United Kingdom - Henley On Thames

Today, as I sat down for my flight, I realised that the passenger I had to sit next to for the next seven hours was wearing a necklace made from tampon packaging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 163

You deserved it 2 084

Presumption

By fmlgrl - 30/07/2012 06:59 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to a corner store to restock my chocolate stash. A guy from work walked in to see me and the cashier arguing about the amount of candy I was trying to buy with a jar of pennies. He took one look at me and said, "That time of the month, eh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 757

You deserved it 27 200

Bad Brains

By Anonymous - 25/05/2023 03:00

Today, I'm apparently on a "thinking ban." My wife and kids have banned me from starting any sentence with, “I think“ because it always leads to some sort of disaster, or accident, or expensive mistake, etc. So I'm no longer allowed to think because me thinking is dangerous for everybody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 310

You deserved it 871

It was supportive, I swear

By oopsydaisy - 01/10/2014 02:20 - United States

Today, my co-worker told me that my other co-worker is in the process of getting a divorce. I got really excited because his marriage is very toxic. He overheard me say, "He deserves that divorce!" I meant it in a good way, but I don't think he took it that way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 679

You deserved it 12 062

By ouch - 09/12/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how concerned she was about her weight. I told her not to worry, because it gives more cushion for the pushin' anyway. She picked up a lamp and threw it right at my dingleberries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 072

You deserved it 76 337

By freedomofmusic - 14/11/2010 18:54 - United States

Today, I was walking back to campus with my boyfriend when we passed an Irish pub called "Fat Belly's." He put his arm around me, patted my stomach, and said "Yay! It's your restaurant!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 236

You deserved it 7 030

freedomofmusic tells us more.

freedomofmusic 12

Friday 6 July 2012 18:05

Hi, I'm the OP. 5'10" and 130lbs... is that fat? Cause that's me. Sure, he was joking, but it still hurt.

By umm - 08/12/2009 20:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, my future father in law motorboated my breasts as I bent down to give him a hug goodbye. The rest of the family stood there laughing. This is what I'm marrying into? FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 897

You deserved it 3 359

By Neverthebride - 22/05/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I asked my best friend why she didn't ask our other best friend Anna to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She said, "She's too pretty. I need ugly bridesmaids to make me look better." I am the maid of honor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 698

You deserved it 3 861

By Anonymous - 22/05/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, I kissed my husband and said, "I love you." That's when our 5 year-old son said to my husband, "How can you love her so much if she's so ugly?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 747

You deserved it 4 189

Old fashioned

By Anonymous - 11/04/2022 02:00

Today, my dad, who lives a billion miles away in Japan, somehow found out I’ve been indulging my bisexual curiosity while at university, and because he doesn’t like technology, sent me a handwritten letter that took like a month to get here, disowning me until I return to being straight only. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 222

You deserved it 282

Bragging

By lastalittlelonger - 05/12/2009 09:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. We had sex for two minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 770

You deserved it 3 188

By Deconstructed - 19/05/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, my husband let me sleep in while he worked on the landscaping by our backyard pool. Ready for a shower, I stripped naked, opened the back door to let the dog out, and stepped out to ask him how it was going. Turns out he'd finally hired a landscaping crew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 126

You deserved it 28 019

Hellworld

By I’m scared - 27/02/2022 22:00 - United States - Denver

Today, after my mother, who was a loving and gentle soul, died, I’ve moved in permanently with my stepmom, whom I’d never met. Her very first words to me were, “Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I am your mother now. If you make even ONE mistake, I will literally rip your fucking throat out.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 832

You deserved it 116

By clairebear104 - 19/09/2014 03:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I went on a blind date. My date would respond to me by saying "retweet" and "favorite" when she thought something was relatable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 249

You deserved it 4 107

By anonymous - 19/07/2012 01:29 - United States

Today, I told my mom about the severe phobia I've developed towards driving. She was very supportive and even made me an appointment to see a psychologist. His office is two hours away. I have to drive to see my doctor about my fear of driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 709

You deserved it 3 451

By Anonymous - 18/05/2009 06:45 - Canada

Today, I was drunk and crashed on my friend's couch to sober up. On the drive home, a cop pulled me over for seemingly no reason. He kept asking if I had been drinking, to which I answered no. Finally, he told me to look in the mirror. My friends had written all over my face while I slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 023

You deserved it 24 021

By X-men - 16/04/2015 02:24 - Honduras

Today, I’m a French teacher abroad, and as my beard has a huge hole near my chin, my students call me Wolverine. At every lesson, they wait for me with pens stuck between their fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 588

You deserved it 127

By EpicJman2828 - 27/06/2013 04:27 - United States

Today, my cousin thought it would be cool to put a firecracker in an abandoned birdhouse. Before I could tell him not to, it exploded and about 30 wasps came after me like the wrath of God. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 160

You deserved it 5 145

EpicJman2828 tells us more.

EpicJman2828 11

Friday 28 June 2013 0:33

OP here. Im so shocked I got posted. Just like to say my cousin was gone when it exploded and I was stung about 9 times. Overall it was very exciting being able to go outside and know something wanted your freaking soul. Those suckers will Hunt you down and rape your body with their asses

By Ms Yeins - 26/04/2019 14:00 - Belgium - Mechelen

Today, I was changing my tampon in a public toilet. When I threw away the used one and opened a new one, it turned out that it had no thread on it! I took another one out. Again, defective! It was the last one I had with me, and it was the second day of my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 212

You deserved it 204

By thanksdoc - 24/06/2013 22:12 - United States - San Antonio

Today, after asking my psychiatrist about natural alternatives to medication for my depression, she replied, "Why not Zoidberg?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 958

You deserved it 6 392

thanksdoc tells us more.

thanksdoc 3

Tuesday 25 June 2013 19:55

Yes, my psychiatrist is a boss. She did the impression spot on without looking up from her notes, which was hilarious. Woopwoopwoopwooooop

By JJAnd - 28/08/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at 7am next to the man I swore I'd never get intimate with again. After trying to get back to sleep despite my shame and disgust, he ripped the loudest fart ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 289

You deserved it 48 111

By ilovemom - 01/12/2009 06:20 - Costa Rica

Today, after reading a very emotional article about always letting your loved ones know how much you love them in case it's your last time seeing them, I went to my mom and told her how much I loved her and how thankful I was for everything. Her reply? "Shut up kid, Vince Vaughn is on Ellen". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 032

You deserved it 4 577

Wake up

By idiot - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was sitting in my car waiting my shift to start. I must've fallen asleep because I woke up to a call from my boss firing me. I was in the parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 231

You deserved it 23 845

By Nick - 13/05/2009 22:20 - United States

Today, I finally beat the song "Through the Fire and Flames" on Guitar Hero 3. I then realized that it was the biggest accomplishment I've ever made in my entire life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 367

You deserved it 37 569

By Anonymous - 08/07/2012 15:17 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my mom wanted to send me a picture of me at graduation, saying that I looked pretty in it. It was a picture of a different girl; definitely not me. Way to go, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 568

You deserved it 1 821

By Nick - 27/11/2009 10:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 024

You deserved it 28 946

Kidblocked

By Anonymous - 03/07/2012 23:50 - Australia - Melbourne

Spicy

Today, I discovered that my wife actually encourages my three year-old son to sleep in our bed, as a buffer against any romantic advances. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 838

You deserved it 3 700

No one's favorite

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I bought my mom a gift certificate for a spa treatment for two so we could spend some quality time together. She took my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 890

You deserved it 3 816

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The Top

Today, I've spent nearly three weeks indulging my boyfriend's weird fetish, where he wears a hockey mask and I call him Jason. He just confessed it isn't really a fetish for him and that was just fucking with me. He's already told all his friends. I'm humiliated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 355

You deserved it 4 787

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 267 653

You deserved it 90 963

Random

Today, a guy kept flirting with me despite all my hints for him to kindly fuck off and die, so I lied and said I'm a lesbian. This didn't stop him. It got so bad, I had to claim I was born with a dick and say that's why I like girls. Only then did he say "Eeewww..." and back off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 462

You deserved it 2 686

Today, I turned around after loading the washing machine to discover my husband's 89-year-old grandmother dropping her pants. She looked at me and said, "I hope you don't mind but when you got to go, you got to go." She then sat down on the toilet and let out a loud, long fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 921

You deserved it 3 553

Today, my friend told me she was going to start drinking Gatorade, so she could get the body shape of the athletes on TV. When I tried to explain to her that she'd also need to work out to achieve this, she went nuts and hurled the bottle at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 411

You deserved it 3 236

Today, I told my boyfriend that I gained a few pounds and thought I looked fat. He replied that I looked the same and that I shouldn't worry because he likes fat girls. I never thought I was fat before this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 969

You deserved it 18 655

Today, my water broke. Due to Covid-19, we couldn't go straight to labor and delivery, so had to go to the emergency room and wait to be taken up. I sat there for an hour with a ruptured sac and contractions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 051

You deserved it 140

Today, I caught my boyfriend drunkenly pissing out the window. Apparently, I should be happy he pissed out the window instead of just wetting the bed. When I suggested he drink less, he got furious and yelled that I might be a lesbian, since I apparently want him to be a "pansy girly bitch boy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 429

You deserved it 88