Animals: Today, my husband let me sleep in while he worked on the landscaping... - FML

By Deconstructed - United States

Today, my husband let me sleep in while he worked on the landscaping by our backyard pool. Ready for a shower, I stripped naked, opened the back door to let the dog out, and stepped out to ask him how it was going. Turns out he'd finally hired a landscaping crew. FML

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Messed up

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Drunken antics

By hated - United States

Today, I realized that my dad is more comfortable talking to the dog than sitting in the same room as me. FML

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By lovingthis - United States - Largo

Today, I walked in on my grandfather smiling at his penis. FML

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By DarkDisaster - United States

Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hudson Falls

Today, my science class found out that I have OCD and that one of my rituals is to cough when others cough. This is going to be a long year. FML

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By yesnomaybeso7 - United States

Today, my daughter's handsome new boyfriend came to visit our house. When I opened the door, he asked me where Diana's mother was. I assumed he was about to be charming and say that he thought I was her sister. He didn't. He assumed that I was Diana's grandmother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I both developed food poisoning from last night's sushi. Our apartment has one bathroom. FML

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By Guessmyproffhatesme

Today, in exams to become a funeral director, my full name was used as the example of the deceased in a few questions. Actually, 22 questions. FML

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By JessThompson - Canada - Hamilton

Today, after telling my young kids all about Santa, his reindeer and his sleigh, we saw him. Smoking a cigarette in the beat-up car next to ours at a red light. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2020 19:58 - United States - Mountain View

Can't do the time? Don't do the crime!

Today, my entire family was diagnosed with COVID. My son's school decided I was well enough to homeschool him on Zoom all day. My head feels like it’s going to explode and all I want to do is sleep. Did I mention my ADHD son has no symptoms? FML

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By hawaiiansokkrboi - United States

Today, I was practicing soccer at my school. My team was practicing penalty kicks. It was my turn up and this cute girl that I like was watching off ten feet away from the goal. I was running to take the kick when I slipped and kicked the ball. It hit her head and now she won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Acworth

Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair so that it resembles Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML

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By Nick - Australia - Sydney

Today, I let my daughter bake a cake for her brother's fifth birthday party. She showed up later with a cake in the shape of a cock and balls. Apparently it's okay, though, because "I frosted it to look like a rocket, hehehe!" I can't believe my balls spawned this moron. FML

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By moneymoneymoney - United States - Tampa

Today, my financial troubles got so bad, I contemplated visiting a friend simply so I could swipe their deodorant. FML

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By bieberyoulittleSHIT - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was playing some CoD online, when I realised I'd started humming an annoyingly catchy Bieber tune. Before I could come to my senses and pull out my mic, a bunch of my teammates started sarcastically singing along. FML

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By dumped - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. How? He invited my mother to his house for coffee with his parents, and told her. She then had to come home and tell me I’d been dumped. FML

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By ukfan - United States

Today, after bringing my dog back inside, he started whining. I thought it was because he wanted his toys, but he was really trying to say, "Help me," as a torpedo of diarrhea exploded out of him, leaving a trail down the hallway. FML

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By idontunderstand

Today, my father has been unemployed for 8 of my parents' 25 years of marriage, and my mom still supports him. I've been unemployed for three months and my mom is kicking me out. The difference is, I'm actually applying places. He just plays video games. FML

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By MGZ - United States

Today, I told my 13 year old daughter that she was grounded from using her phone. Later on, I get an important call regarding a job that I have been after. After I'd picked up the phone, my daughter starts screaming "HELP! RAPE! HELP!" on the other phone. I don't think I'll be getting the job. FML

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By Mary - United States

Today, I called a pest control company to ask them to come over to my place to help get rid of rats. The person on the phone told me to "be a man and stop acting like a girl". I'm a woman. FML

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The innocence of children

Today, my 5 year old stabbed me in the back with a pencil because I stole her nose and wouldn’t give it back. My daughter has been sulking now for 3 hours and refuses to breathe until she has her nose. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Chennai

Today, I've been calling my girlfriend by her nickname for so long, I had to reactivate my Facebook account to find her real name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bay Shore

Today, on the eighth day of my diet, I met up with my study group. Everyone was snacking on junk food while I stuck to carrots. Someone put a Snickers bar on the table. "God, I want you," I thought. Turns out I was thinking out loud. The guy next to me inched his chair away. FML

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By StillTooYoung - United States - Louisville

Today, I was discussing with my husband how it was time I stopped taking birth control so we could have a baby. He looked at me and said sincerely, "We're a little young to be having kids, don't you think?". He's 35 and I'm 32. FML

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By Fattymuch - India

Today, I was online looking up ways to lose weight, get thinner and be healthier, all the while eating a slab of brownie that was half the size of my head. FML

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By zacharynedley - United States - Elkridge

Today, I got fired from my job because my boss thinks that me doing everything he says makes me untrustworthy. FML

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By jag talar - Canada

Today, I came home to visit my family after a year at college. Expecting to impress them, I proudly informed them that I now speak fluent Swedish. Imagine my surprise when my mother said, "That's a useless language" and everyone agreed. FML

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By Unemployed

Today, I found out that after three years of telling my boss our strategy wasn't going to work, that I was right - it didn't work. I also found out that because it didn't work, I lost my job. My boss still has his. FML

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By MozillaHostile - Canada

Today, I saw my cat attacking a suitcase under my bed for apparently no reason. I laughed and picked it up to show him that there was nothing there, only to find a huge wasp hiding under it. FML.

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By Murphs_Law - United States

Today, my crazy downstairs neighbor was yet again fighting with her boyfriend by slamming every door. When this didn't work, she went downstairs to fight with his grill. She wheeled it to the end of the driveway and pushed it over. FML

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By Zit-Blues - United States

Today, I had a large pimple on my temple. I decided to try the whole "put toothpaste on the zit to make it dry up" technique that all the magazines say to do. Not only is my pimple still there, but the toothpaste irritated my skin and my already large pimple now appears three times bigger. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm so out of shape, I started wheezing on my way to check my mailbox. Not my physical mailbox, either; my email inbox on the phone I'd left on the table at the bottom of the stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I came home after a short trip. Walking through the door, an overpowering smell indicated that in my rush to leave I'd forgotten to bring the cat litter tray indoors. The place was covered in cat urine. It was as if I'd created a cycling ecosystem of evaporated urine turning into urine rain-clouds. FML

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By thanks a lot - 26/5/2020 08:00

Stay alert!

Today, my state began relaxing the quarantine order. We decided to take the kids for a nice picnic in the park to get them outside. First park we went to, we saw a homeless man openly pissing in the parking lot. Second park, we saw two teens fucking on the table. Day was officially ruined. FML

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By notevencatnipworks

Today, as every day for the past three weeks, my girlfriend's cat kept us up from 3:30am crying nonstop. We've tried everything, and even exiled my well-behaved cat to keep him company. Now she cries because she feels she's being punished. Starting around 4am. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Singapore

Today, I was bragging about how I had lost 10 pounds. Grinning, I pulled my shirt up and tried to show how big my jeans were on me. Instead, the button flew off my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 17:02

Wise kid

Today, I had to give my four year-old daughter some tough love, which I hate doing. When she ran away crying, my son, her twin brother, looked at me and said, "You should be ashamed of yourself." FML

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By smellyhair - United Kingdom

Today, I was shopping for a new deodorant, and this guy was standing in the way. He wouldn't move, so I crouched down to get the one I wanted, right when he did the most violent fart right in my face. Then his wife came over, made a face and he whispered, "I think that girl just farted". FML

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By chickfilady

Today, I was talking to a customer, when I choked on my spit. After I could breathe again I was so embarrassed I said the first thing that popped into my head, which was, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to swallow." FML

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By Marion - 14/10/2020 20:01 - United States - Portland

Not invited, I guess

Today, I was talking to a coworker about gender reveal parties, and how dumb and dangerous they're becoming. A nearby coworker then burst into tears and ran out. It appears that she's having one this weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cold and alone at work, so I decided to try and warm myself up on the panini toaster. As I was holding the top side open and my other hand over the hot metal, I accidentally closed the door on my hand. FML

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Top comments

By life_is_life | 0

#212997 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 2:12

you stepped outside naked?
LOL.
well, dont worry i bet they enjoyed it.

By Yeoman | 0

#213001 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 2:12

haha thats awesome. Im sure they loved that job, and theyll be back ANYTIME.

COMMENTS

By ragas | 0

#212980 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 2:10

that sucks and first

Reply

tub944 | 0

#2593322 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 14:37

pics or it didn't happen

Reply

InstantRanbowMix | 0

#4225811 - Wednesday 28 March 2012 5:08

Wth? You let your dog out of the house while your naked, this just doesn't make sense to me

By kimaniv | 0

#212985 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 2:11

wouldn't you have noticed the people staring at you?

Reply

ajsciri4 | 0

#3251884 - Wednesday 7 September 2011 14:00

Yeah, she could have come up with an excuse on the spot tho...
"sorry, I'm still used to the nudist colony we moved from.."

By maddierox13 | 0

#212990 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 2:11

?? really?

By life_is_life | 0

#212997 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 2:12

you stepped outside naked?
LOL.
well, dont worry i bet they enjoyed it.

By Yeoman | 0

#213001 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 2:12

haha thats awesome. Im sure they loved that job, and theyll be back ANYTIME.

By ebbasaur | 0

#213006 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 2:13

STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID! YOU ARE SO STUPID!!!!

By lpaul49 | 0

#213008 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 2:13

#3 - OP could be mad ugly.

Also, that's rough.

By americayay | 0

#213010 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 2:14

That's a bit weird anyway. I mean, you went OUTSIDE butt naked? Where do you live? A ranch in Montana at least 50 miles away from anyone or a stone fortress? Otherwise there's a damn good chance of being seen and you probably should have known better.

By rukusrazor | 0

#213011 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 2:14

YDI for sure. Try a window first next time.

By illeyad | 0

#213018 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 2:14

Who would you get naked before letting your dog out? Crew or no crew what if you neighbours or passer byers saw? Next time, have some decency and put a robe on if you’re in such a hurry.

Reply

cilladasaurus | 2

#4781208 - Monday 6 August 2012 22:51

It's her backyard & her house.

Reply

Achall91 | 17

#5270185 - Saturday 22 December 2012 7:21

The could live in a very secluded spot.

Reply

sulitak | 27

#5441418 - Tuesday 9 April 2013 13:45

but the husband could have had friends helping too. OP was stupid