Today, after reading a very emotional article about always letting... - FML

By ilovemom - 1/12/2009 06:20 - Costa Rica

Today, after reading a very emotional article about always letting your loved ones know how much you love them in case it's your last time seeing them, I went to my mom and told her how much I loved her and how thankful I was for everything. Her reply? "Shut up kid, Vince Vaughn is on Ellen". FML

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Compassion

Don't give up

Business savvy

By hikingtospace - 4/10/2016 15:25 - United States - Hilliard

Today, after laying down to sleep, my boyfriend seemed like he was having trouble trying to say something. After asking what was wrong a couple of times, he said, "I don't want to do this anymore" and got up and left. I had planned on telling him I love him. Saved myself some embarrassment I guess. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 23:00

Sibling rivalry

Today, I found out my dad gets my younger brother a Big Gulp from 7/11 every time he mows the yard. I mowed for three years straight and never got anything. FML

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By undineA - 18/2/2014 20:16 - Greece - Thessalon?ki

Today, feeling magnanimous, I decided to help a frail-looking old lady across a busy street. She managed to "accidentally" hit me in the balls with her cane no fewer than three times before we reached the other side. FML

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By unluckymiss - 24/1/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, I was at the store when I ran into an old friend from high school. He didn't recognize me at first, but when I told him who I was, he instantly shouted "Oh! Yeah! The fat chick from Mr. H's class!" FML

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By joecool3426 - 3/10/2013 06:23 - United States

Today, I got a ticket for speeding in a school zone. The school hasn't even been built yet. FML

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By elipses - 22/8/2009 04:43 - Canada

Today, I got a report telling me how I had handled a mystery shopper at work. In this report I found out that instead of saying "Thank you" I had said "Have a nice day, take care." This kept me from getting my $150 bonus. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 05:02

The urge

Today, I realised why I’m so irritable these days. My former flatmate smoked so many cigarettes that, now he’s moved out and taken the smoke with him, I’m going through nicotine withdrawal. I realised this after I saw cigarettes in a shop and couldn’t stop staring at them. FML

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By airplanes-suck - 21/8/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, I went on a plane and was sitting next to a mom with her 12-year old daughter. Apparently, they decided to have "the talk." On the plane, right next to me. I heard everything, and actually learned new things. I'm 35. FML

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By ugh - 31/1/2012 00:25 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML

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By Rmglrsm - 23/6/2016 02:21

Today, at work, I was helping someone who really sounded like she had a Boston accent. So, I asked her where she was from. She has never been out of state. Turns out she has a speech impediment. FML

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By fleatitting fame - 4/7/2014 21:30 - Norway - Oslo

Today, a guy told me that I look like Angelina Jolie. Before I could thank him, he continued, "I mean like in the chest area. After the mastectomy, you know?" FML

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By depressed - 22/2/2010 07:23 - United States

Today, a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. FML

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By ShampooThief - 12/4/2015 03:05 - United States

Today, my family checked into a hotel for spring break. The first thing my brother did was steal all the bars of soap and bottles of shampoo. He's now guarding them, and hissing at anyone that tries to take them. I just want to take a shower. FML

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By bushwhacker - 5/3/2015 23:34 - United States - Wichita

Today, it's been almost two months that I've been taking hair, skin and nails vitamins. The only thing growing noticeably longer, faster, stronger, and healthier are my pubes. I've never sheared a sheep before, but I imagine the maintenance I just did was comparable. FML

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By fiftyshardsofbroccoli - 26/10/2012 17:58 - United States

Today, my grandma took it upon herself to give me the sex talk. After explaining the mechanics in excessive detail, she said I shouldn't be afraid to sleep around. Apparently, I need to be comfortable with the man who'll be "conning me into blowing him for the next 50 years." FML

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By MsCobb - 16/2/2013 15:27 - United States - Columbus

Today, my father gave me his blessing to be married on one condition: that I keep my maiden name when I marry. My fiancé thought it would be "epic". My last name will be hyphenated to Cobb-Webb. FML

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By knock_out - 16/7/2010 01:12 - United States

Today, my girlfriend won't have sex with me. Why? Because my mii knocked out her mii in Wii boxing. It wouldn't be as bad if she wasn't in one player mode. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, I ended up gashing my leg rather badly on the corner of a chair, fell to the ground with a very loud thud, and yelled "OH F*CK ME!!". I hobbled to the bathroom making more noise in the process. My neighbor came by and asked if I could "keep my sex noise to a minimum". FML

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By sadddddd - 11/9/2011 01:54 - Canada

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and knelt in front of the toilet, waiting to throw up. When I finally did, I violently shit my pants at the same time. I was at my friend's house. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 01:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I saw selfies of my aunt and her friends on Facebook having a great time. They took the pictures at my mother's funeral last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2012 18:01 - United States

Today, I picked up a warm blanket that just came out of the dryer. Despite wearing pants, the static electricity from the blanket delivered a shock straight to my crotch. FML

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By Goody2shoes - 21/7/2010 16:08 - India

Today, my mom found my pack of cigarettes. She's now making me go to rehab. I had only smoked one cigarette ever just to try it. I didn't even like it. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2019 20:00

Deliverance

Today, while at my family reunion, I learned my grandparents were first cousins. No wonder we're all crazy hillbillies. FML

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By Not Again! - 14/6/2019 04:16

Today, while riding a massive draft horse, the horse thought it would be fun to walk under a very low apple tree that sat level with his back. A branch hit me and made me fall off onto a coil of barbed wire, twisting my ankle in the process. FML

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By LizzyJones - 20/8/2013 17:38 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my husband bought me a present for our three year anniversary. It was a pack of 20 cigarettes. I don't smoke. He does. FML

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By kcd - 23/2/2009 14:41 - United States

Today, I saw a girl texting at school. I told her she might want to put her phone away before she got a detention. She turned around and I saw she was changing her insulin level on her pump. She has diabetes. FML

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By Jackassed - 12/5/2011 17:53 - United States

Today, as a prank, a friend and I tied a 10 dollar bill to a fishing line, and yanked it away from people as they reached for it. It was going really well until one of our victims pulled a knife and chased us around the block. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2012 05:55 - United States

Today, I was finally leaving my hometown to live in my dream city. Everything was packed, keys were handed in, goodbyes were made. The moment my truck began pulling out to get underway, the guy I had gotten a room from in my new city called to inform me that he decided to rent to someone else. FML

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By Lisa - 19/8/2018 23:30

Forever Alone

Today, at my younger sister's wedding, my hospitalised grandmother called to ask if I have a boyfriend yet, both my parents wondered if I'll ever get married, and when the 13-year-old next to me caught the bouquet, his father yelled from the back to give it to me instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 14:36 - United States

Today, a girl I work with was talking to me in an Eeyore voice. I'm not sure if it's because she's sad and pathetic, or if she thinks I'm sad and pathetic. FML

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By ChampionshipVinyl - 18/4/2012 06:57 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, I came home from work to find my kids playing Frisbee with my collection of rare, valuable vinyl records. The term "smash hit record" took on a whole new meaning. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, like many other days, I fell asleep in math class. Unlike other days, however, I woke up with a start while ripping a really loud fart in my sleep. The whole class heard it because it was during a lecture. Even the teacher was laughing at me and I had to walk, no, run out of the room. FML

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By Amanda Ross - 18/11/2010 23:12 - United States

Today, I went to school in my brand new shirt. It was loose fitting and a bit thin, so I wore a sweatshirt on top, intending to take it in once inside. When I got to my seat, I took off my sweatshirt, but also took off my shirt with it, flashing my whole class. FML

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By Username - 25/1/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I found out that you need to clean your car more often when you find a mouldy burrito under the back seat. FML

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By n0taplumber - 16/11/2010 03:25 - United States

Today, I reached in between the couch cushions to see if my iPod had slipped in there. I didn't find my iPod, but I did find an old utility knife blade. With my fingers. FML

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By stuckinalift - 18/2/2011 01:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I got stuck in a small elevator. It started to violently judder up and down after I pressed the 'Help' buzzer. The man on the intercom wouldn't stop laughing at how my voice was jumpy from the juddering movements before he called for help. FML

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By Misunderstood - 8/2/2009 05:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a few notes from this girl I like at school for 2 years telling me she feels the same way. My dad knocks on the door and I panic and say "Hold on!". I shoved them under my pillow then told him to come in. He said "Son, it's perfectly normal to masturbate." FML

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By Too Late - 19/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Sheboygan

Hard test

Today, I went in to take my College Placement tests. I'd spent all week ignoring actual homework to study for these tests. When I got there, the responsible told me that the tests were last week. FML

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By morgan_love11 - 5/6/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, I found out my sister has a nickname for me due to my recent breakouts. It's "volcano face". FML

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By fuckwank - 20/9/2013 20:31 - United States - Red Oak

Today, I offered to help out at my grandpa's farm, and he had me load buckets of water into his trunk. When he came by and saw me struggling to lift a bucket, he sneered, called me a moron for filling it up before putting it in the truck, and told me to just go home. FML

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Top comments

By xXOktoberXx | 0

#698272 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:59

Sorry dude, my dad does the same thing. God forbid I interrupt his t.v. show or radio newscast, when I need to talk about school or ask a serious question! Parents, they want to know EVERYTHING in your life, then turn around and ignore you!

By NorfolkDude | 2

#698296 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 13:30

YDI for being an idiot. I mean those articles are "fear mongering" types of articles. Yes, your loved ones can die, or might be your last time seeing them. You can't live every day with the assumption that it is your last time you're ever going to see them. That's just idiotic and stupid.

Memories are what count, you don't want to live remembering them and how you prepared to remember them by spending each day like it was their or your last.

COMMENTS

By stickwoman | 0

#698225 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:27

Am I first?

Reply

stickwoman | 0

#698452 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 16:24

@GR3453m0nk3y It's because I poted it from my iPhone so I wasn't sure. And now to celebrate YEYYYYYYY I'M FIRST!!!

Reply

CHEESYBIGMAC | 0

#698547 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 17:36

no ur not, ur last

By cuteguyoO | 0

#698234 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:34

yes u are

By ksmiley | 0

#698257 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:49

Well, he IS awesome : )

Reply

spiderman0606 | 0

#699142 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 0:23

It's ELLEN! The mom has every right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply

capgray | 0

#963909 - Friday 19 March 2010 6:22

today, my son interupted me while watching vince vaughn on ellen. fml

Reply

Lone_Wolf_099 | 5

#987941 - Monday 3 May 2010 10:36

um poster is female so...YOU LOSE CAPI-TAN

By GR3453m0nk3y | 4

#698259 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:49

wow way to wase your comment stickwoman

By xXOktoberXx | 0

#698272 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:59

Sorry dude, my dad does the same thing. God forbid I interrupt his t.v. show or radio newscast, when I need to talk about school or ask a serious question! Parents, they want to know EVERYTHING in your life, then turn around and ignore you!

By trizzieb | 0

#698281 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 13:08

Ahh motherly love. Maybe Vince is secretley your father.$$$

By perdix | 29

#698286 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 13:17

It's because that is Earth-shattering news! Everyone knows that Ellen is the most "out-there" lesbian since Sappho. For Vince Vaughn to be "on her" would turn the world on its head!

Reply

Gonza | 0

#698291 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 13:21

Stop being a grammar-ho. You know what OP meant.

Reply

perdix | 29

#698361 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 14:55

I'm not being a "grammar-ho," I'm being a logic-ho, because I wasn't complaining about the grammar of the post (*cough* run-on sentecnce *cough*), but interpreting the phrase "Vince Vaughn is on Ellen" literally.

Reply

crapmaster3000 | 19

#5754023 - Thursday 14 November 2013 4:14

9, he was just making a play on words. I personally thought it was funny

By NorfolkDude | 2

#698296 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 13:30

YDI for being an idiot. I mean those articles are "fear mongering" types of articles. Yes, your loved ones can die, or might be your last time seeing them. You can't live every day with the assumption that it is your last time you're ever going to see them. That's just idiotic and stupid.

Memories are what count, you don't want to live remembering them and how you prepared to remember them by spending each day like it was their or your last.

By ChrisA619 | 0

#698322 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 13:55

sad

By redshortsx | 0

#698332 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 14:11

your mom is the shit