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Right in the cussy

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, at work, the police were looking over video footage of an incident earlier in the day where a car had slammed hard into another one in the carpark. My manager came into the kitchen and asked if I wanted to come see it to for a laugh. The car that got hit was mine. FML

agreeclassic 78 950

vote type 1 3 293

Keep some things to yourself

By Anonymous - 01/05/2021 17:01

Today, a colleague was talking about how she'd made some tomato sauce from scratch for her dad, but then he died before she could give it to him. I said she should have put it in the casket with him so the cremation would've been a real barbeque. My filter is broken. FML

agreeclassic 245

vote type 1 3 532

By Numbass123 - 04/05/2014 17:17 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML

agreeclassic 45 462

vote type 1 11 667

By Jenny - 31/03/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML

agreeclassic 115 350

vote type 1 8 721

Getting on

By Anonymous - 01/05/2021 23:00

Today, I realized that I’m old, and that it’s been too long since I had sex or even masturbated. How did I notice? Because I tried to, and I found out I couldn’t comfortably spread my legs that far anymore. FML

agreeclassic 1 097

vote type 1 300

Gnarly

By Anonyme - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Switzerland

Today, my girlfriend bought several packs of bottled water, even though we have pure mountain water on tap. She did this because the pile-up of unwashed dishes in the sink makes it virtually impossible to slide a glass under the tap. FML

agreeclassic 12 589

vote type 1 47 193

By creepermagnet - 10/10/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I rear-ended a car on the parkway. We pulled over, the guy told me his car was fine, and then asked me out on a date. It was only when I said no that he decided he wanted his car fixed. FML

agreeclassic 32 946

vote type 1 18 850

By Chubs - 29/03/2009 12:32 - Norway

Today, I was playing with my kid cousin outside. It was warm, so I was wearing my new bikini, and felt pretty good about myself. She suddenly turns to me and asks, "How come your tits are so small when you have such a big belly?" FML

agreeclassic 73 357

vote type 1 11 656

By brerj09 - 28/04/2014 13:35 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, at work, I served a group of three teens. Their tab was $75 and they tipped me nothing. They wrote a thank you on a piece of receipt paper, put it in a glass of water and used a coaster to turn the glass of water upside down on the table, spilling water everywhere. They also stole my pen. FML

agreeclassic 55 077

vote type 1 4 434

By ilovechickens - 15/04/2012 03:46 - United States

Today, I tried to be kind to animals and get my dad to buy cage-free eggs. When I told him it was dollar more, he started yelling and making a scene in the middle of the store, saying that chickens are ugly and they deserve to suffer. FML

agreeclassic 29 804

vote type 1 6 556

By vee2013 - 26/04/2014 04:22 - Canada - London

Today, I finally decided to do something productive and clean my room. When I went to pick up the first thing off my floor, I hit my head on my desk and gave myself a concussion. FML

agreeclassic 39 224

vote type 1 6 935

By clitty clitty bang bang - 13/04/2012 22:40 - United States - Brownsville

Today, after two years of vigorously fundraising on behalf of my senior class, they voted on spending the senior trip money at a waterpark. It's less than thirty minutes from where we all live. FML

agreeclassic 25 937

vote type 1 2 910

By ouch - 15/08/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home. As a volunteer, I'm not supposed to accept any money or gifts from any of the residents. However, one elderly woman kept insisting I take her gold watch. After politely refusing for the fifth time, she decided to chuck it at my face. FML

agreeclassic 35 374

vote type 1 4 118

By Girl-with-the-glasses - 11/04/2012 07:34 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out about my old school's class reunion, which I wasn't invited to. Everyone has my number and e-mail address. They just "forgot" to tell me. FML

agreeclassic 24 879

vote type 1 2 874

Suspicious behavior

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that driving five miles an hour under the posted speed limit is "suspicious" and cause for a field sobriety test, breathalyzer, having your car searched and being handcuffed on the side of the road. FML

agreeclassic 81 637

vote type 1 12 848

Saturday Night Fever-ish

By lonely - 15/09/2019 04:05 - Canada - Granby

Today, I invited a bunch of friends over to hang out and watch a movie. It's been two hours since everyone was supposed to turn up, and no one has showed. Thanks, friends. FML

agreeclassic 1 867

vote type 1 153

Reputation

By Joe - 21/04/2025 16:00 - United States - East Carbon City

Today, it's my wife's birthday. I'm known for being forgetful and she already thinks I don't care. I had some little things planned for today, but her sister messaged me telling me to remember her birthday before I even said happy birthday. Now my wife is crying and upset because once again, I "only act on prompt." FML

agreeclassic 510

vote type 1 156

By Lee - 10/04/2012 03:50 - United States

Today, I decided to pull some weeds in my backyard. Everything was going great until I got a concussion. My dog thought that it would be fun to headbutt me from a running start. Twice. FML

agreeclassic 25 757

vote type 1 2 934

Dancing Queen

By now what? - 09/05/2021 23:59

Today, after my dad told me to sign my daughter up for expensive dance lessons as a birthday present, and she was ecstatic and very dedicated, I asked him for the payment for this month. He replied, "Oh, she wanted more than one lesson?" Now she won’t stop crying and I have no way to pay. FML

agreeclassic 1 349

vote type 1 150

Nice try

By Anonymous - 21/03/2013 20:43 - United Kingdom - Retford

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I really feel about her, due in no small part to how flirty she's been towards me lately. Turns out she's really just a skank and was trying to make my best friend "jealous". He's gay. FML

agreeclassic 42 228

vote type 1 4 314

By swedishguy - 05/10/2009 17:22 - Sweden

Today, I was paying for coffee and accidentally touched hands with the girl behind the counter. As I was walking home, I realised that was the closest I've been to getting laid in two years. FML

agreeclassic 27 413

vote type 1 5 037

By Prometheus - 24/03/2009 21:08 - United States

Today, a co-worker and I walked out of our office at the same time. He got in his car, which was parked right out front. I asked him what I had to do to get a sweet parking spot like that. He rolled up his pant leg and show me his prosthesis. He was in the handicapped spot. FML

agreeclassic 18 066

vote type 1 76 794

Fake it til you make it

By Anonymous - 07/08/2010 23:36 - United States

Today, while driving, I made a fake phone call with my fake boyfriend, making him sound amazing to my friends who were in the car with me. Until the red and blue flashing lights pulled up behind us. My fake boyfriend cost me $160 in real fines. FML

agreeclassic 7 973

vote type 1 66 640

Weird-ass family

By Anonymous - 27/07/2022 02:00

Today, my sister officially has no boundaries, as she just had her ass crack waxed and wanted me to check to see they got all the hair. I’m a guy by the way. FML

agreeclassic 1 188

vote type 1 175

Honest mistake

By Luke - 19/03/2013 09:59 - United States - Liverpool

Today, my department found out that we're getting a new supervisor for the third time this month. I joked about how we're like "the foster kid nobody wants." One of my coworkers burst into tears and ran off. I later found out that she had been a foster child and never once had a stable home. FML

agreeclassic 38 533

vote type 1 30 147

Activism but with cupcakes

By feminismlol - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to my first meeting at the university women's group, excited to become a more involved feminist. The first item on the meeting's agenda? The upcoming bake sale. FML

agreeclassic 13 159

vote type 1 29 816

Alexa, play "All You Need Is Hate" by The Delgados

By Anyonymous_101 - 21/09/2019 14:02

Today, I found out my that my girlfriend's parents hate me, all because they saw me laughing and hanging out with another girl. That other girl was my sister. FML

agreeclassic 1 833

vote type 1 98

Shave it off, own it!

By Anonymous - 15/05/2021 22:01 - United States

Today, like any other day for a year, I'm 17 years-old. Today, like any other day, I have my hair styled in a combover because I'm bald. FML

agreeclassic 1 034

vote type 1 97

Framed

By Anonymous - 28/09/2019 04:00

Today, the police turned up. It turns out the girl I slept with two nights ago was burgled. She told my great aunt, who happens to live next door to her. They then told my grandparents, who then told my mum. I'm now a suspect. FML

agreeclassic 1 730

vote type 1 181

By tomuchtime - 02/06/2011 08:46

Today, my doctor told me I have tennis elbow in both arms. I don't play tennis, I just have way too much free time. FML

agreeclassic 13 817

vote type 1 43 871

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Keywords

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Top

Today, my house is so cold that I chipped a tooth from chattering so hard. FML

agreeclassic 23 454

vote type 1 2 970

Today, I was going on holiday. As I was checking in my bags, I said to the really cute steward, "I think I'm overweight." He told me about discounts for customers of 'larger proportions.' I was talking about my suitcase being overweight. FML

agreeclassic 56 915

vote type 1 17 823

Today, I found out my husband only started to date me because he thinks I look like his daughter. She was 5 at that time. FML

agreeclassic 1 956

vote type 1 158

Today, I discovered my dog humping my sister's five month old baby while babysitting. FML

agreeclassic 20 646

vote type 1 2 717

Today, my naked boyfriend walked up to me with my towel around his neck and with a hard-on, then declared he was "The Penis Man" and slapped me with his junk. I thought I was dating a man, not a man-child. FML

agreeclassic 54 067

vote type 1 18 354

Today, I was going to my first job interview since I was laid off. About 10 yards from the door, I felt a sharp pain in my side and something in my pocket. It turned out to be a knife in my side, and a mugger robbing me because I looked rich. I haven't had any money in months, and missed the interview. FML

agreeclassic 51 973

vote type 1 2 895