Love: Today, I was walking back to campus with my boyfriend when we...

By freedomofmusic - United States

Today, I was walking back to campus with my boyfriend when we passed an Irish pub called "Fat Belly's." He put his arm around me, patted my stomach, and said "Yay! It's your restaurant!" FML

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freedomofmusic tells us more :

Hi, I'm the OP. 5'10" and 130lbs... is that fat? Cause that's me. Sure, he was joking, but it still hurt.

Love

Rock, hard place

Not a good look

Family values

By NotYourToy - United States - Binghamton

Today, a customer scared me for the sole purpose of watching my breasts jiggle when I jumped in surprise. I know because his head moved as they did, and he said, "Nice." before walking away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Odenton

Today, I was teaching my daughter how to drive. We were passing by a merge lane; I told her to slow down and let a green car merge in front of us. She said, "Fuck the green car" and sped up, colliding with it. Apparently she didn't know that would happen. FML

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By heheheh - Canada

Today, I burned my tongue. With a flat iron. FML

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By briiiiiiii123 - United States - Buffalo

You tried

Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was told that I'm very likely to win the "Most Likely to Exceed 5 Cats" yearbook award. My best friend said, "They wanted it to be 'Most Likely to Die Alone', but it was a bit harsh". Someone else added, "It's still pretty likely, though". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Rosa Beach

Today, my hamster had babies. I came home just in time to witness her kick the mutilated bodies of her two babies out of her house, then crawl back in and go to sleep. Now my sister refuses to touch her and calls her a "baby-eating demon." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Qualicum Beach

Today, desperate to meet a guy, I went clubbing. The only guy to show any interest opened with: "You're hot, for a black chick!" FML

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By babs - United States

Today, I was in the doctor's office waiting for my husband to arrive, when a little old lady sat beside me. She seemed nice, until she started farting and blaming it on me. They weren't silent; they sounded like trucker farts and smelled like death. I was there for over an hour. FML

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By sweetjulie

Today, and for the past week, my 5-year-old daughter has been introducing herself as “Mazda. Zoom-zoom!” FML

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By Too much skin?

Today, my girlfriend told me that I have “too much foreskin” and that I’d need to get circumcised if we were going to stay together. I’m already circumcised. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after being told by her therapist to try to make her kids a bigger part of her life because we're so distant from her, my mom's new favorite thing to do is to constantly use the words "YOLO" and "swag" around us. FML

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By awkwardsituation - United States

Today, I watched a stray dog hump a garden gnome in my front yard. So did my two year old daughter. I've already had to stop her "re-enactments" twice. FML

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By snowman - United States

Today, my city got almost a foot of snow. When I went out to my car, it was covered in snow with a layer of ice underneath. I went to open the trunk to get the window scraper, when the snow that had collected on the top of my back window slid into my trunk. My laptop was the recipient of most of the snow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding the public bus and a really fat, smelly guy sat next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and asked me if I was single. My stop wasn't for three more miles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Barrington

Today, I went to get an HPV vaccine after being convinced to by my mom. I stayed in the waiting room afterwards, because the vaccine has the possible side-effect of causing fainting. I didn't faint; instead, I spent the next 15 minutes giggling uncontrollably like a psycho. FML

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By Jessy - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving home when I saw my boyfriend chundering on the side of the road, into an old lady's shopping basket. FML

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By Amy - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I got paper thrown at me because I didn't agree with my classmate's conspiracy theory that Brian Griffin's death was planned by the illuminati. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up and felt that my arm was sore. I got so drunk last night, I got an unprofessional tattoo of a penis. FML

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By HotAsTits - United States

Ah, young love…

Today, my parents thought it would be appropriate to tell my girlfriend that I used to stick my penis in a sock puppet and talk to it when I was younger. FML

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By Butch - United States - Mcdonough

Today, our e-mail server went down. When I called IT to find out what the status was, they told me they e-mailed everyone with an update. FML

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By HiImAlfredo - United States - Hampton

Today, I went deep-sea fishing with my friends. I told them my new phone case is waterproof, and I showed them by pouring a bit of water on it. My friend decided to throw it in the water for a better example. The case didn't float. FML

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By asdfjkl - United States

Today, my boss friend-requested me on Facebook. My profile picture is of me licking his employee of the month picture for a dare. FML

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By achoooo - United States

Today, to celebrate moving into a new apartment, my girlfriend decided she would get a kitten. She didn't know I'm allergic to cats. When I told her, she decided that she couldn't date someone who couldn't be around her cat; the one she doesn't have yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2021 20:01 - Germany - Zittau

This pandemic is ruining our health in so many ways

Today, I'm in pretty good physical shape. No, wait, that was two years ago. Now I need to take a break after brushing each quadrant of my teeth because my arm gets tired. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a schedule in my dorm room that I share with three other guys. Looking at it closer I realized it was my schedule with notes written in all around it. My roommates have planned their entire days around mine so we won't have any interaction at all. I thought we got along great. FML

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By tantanpanda - United States

Today, I was swimming my routine laps at the gym's pool and a man came in and swam in the adjacent lane. While swimming freestyle, I smelled a really nasty fart. Not a minute later, he hurriedly left. I didn't realize what he had done until I saw "floating particles" in the water. FML

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By Flubber - Australia

Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was there as well as her boss, and a few other managers and directors. We started discussing politics in the context of our latest project. I tried to say "erratic election". I almost succeeded. FML

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By hannahnator - 2/12/2020 07:04 - United States - Racine

Hellworld

Today, it's the first day of our 2-week quarantine. Today, my 3 year-old also discovered Blippi. FML

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By chichi - United States

Today, I went to Subway to grab some lunch. As I was paying, the cashier gave me a tip. He told me of a great acne medication that would do wonders. Thanks. FML

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By My rapey cat (doesn't even have balls)

Today, my 20-year-old sister is taking care of my cat while I am out of state. She sent a photo of him "playing in a silly way" with her kitty. I then had to very seriously explain to her that in the photo, my cat and her cat were trying to make more cats. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Burwood

Today, I overheard my 14-year-old daughter telling her friend that she's saving money to get her hymen surgically removed so her first time won't hurt. FML

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By Summer Loving Happened So Fast - United States - Cookeville

Today, after two years, my girlfriend finally got over her intimacy and commitment problems, with a guy she met over the summer. FML

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By Taylor - United States

Today, while having sex, my boyfriend decided to sing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML

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By J-Ro - United States

Today, my guy, who is a PhD candidate, informed me that it is his goal in life to own every Will Ferrell movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 11:01

Judgmental

Today, I just had an argument with my father. He claimed that if a woman is covered in tattoos, it's quite clear that she's a whore. He said so in front of my girlfriend, who has tattoos all over her arms. FML

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By Uproar - Iceland

Today, I got a phone call from my 6-year-old son's school telling me they were concerned about him as he wouldn't stop barking at the radiator. After talking to my husband about it, I found out he's been teaching him so he could see the look on my face. FML

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By shadowfigure - United States

Today, I was doing karaoke with my girlfriend's family, when the 5 year old came over and shut off my microphone. FML

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By ex-employee - United States

Today, my boss came up to my desk to talk about a new project. He came up to my monitor so we can go to a website. My browser had frozen and I couldn't close it. The tabs I had open: Facebook, Gmail, Careerbuilder, Monster, and Resume Samples. FML

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By HeatherFeatherB - United States - Mundelein

Today, one of my customers told me he was going to kill himself when I explained to him that I wasn't going to be able to deliver him the gallon of milk he wanted. I work in a pharmacy, dispensing medication. FML

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By what... - United States - North Port

Today, my boss took me to one side and said, "Cross me like that ever again, and you're fired." I have no clue what he was talking about, and he denies ever having said a word to me. FML

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Top comments

By Mirorbo | 26

#1702206 - Sunday 14 November 2010 23:02

Remember darlings: Not everyone can take a joke, especially if they have insecurities about their appearance.

By RebelYell14 | 4

#1702240 - Sunday 14 November 2010 23:11

I don't see why you girls put up (or put out) for guys like that who keep your self-esteem checked. if you think it's funny, then it's Moran XML and if he's hurting your feelings then your relationship isn't very good with him.

COMMENTS

By beren456 | 1

#1702133 - Sunday 14 November 2010 22:53

so?

ncvolley123 | 8

#1702145 - Sunday 14 November 2010 22:54

that sux. but lay off the doughnuts!!!

BenD0VER | 0

#1702214 - Sunday 14 November 2010 23:04

YDI. Don't come to FML expecting sympathy for being fat.

If you're not fat, then YDI for having no sense of humor.

OrginalOwen | 0

#1702469 - Monday 15 November 2010 0:33

at least you have a boyfriend, fatty.

bh0p | 0

#1702934 - Monday 15 November 2010 2:41

Take a damn joke

fakeaccountX | 6

#1703570 - Monday 15 November 2010 6:09

You should go to Dick's Sporting Goods and say "Yay! It's your store!"

IrishWildMan | 3

#1703681 - Monday 15 November 2010 6:48

God bless the Irish!!

Thin_Ice_fml | 0

#1704945 - Monday 15 November 2010 14:38

Haha I lol'd at this. Your bf is awesome, but YDI.

labratory5 | 0

#1705049 - Monday 15 November 2010 15:05

lol that's fucking funny I might have to do that sometime

iluvhobos | 5

#2332327 - Monday 11 April 2011 22:58

I think that's cutee ^-^ I thought a lot of couples said things like that to be cute, though? duh.

ILoveSomeFun | 0

#2644935 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 23:39

nice cleavage ^

By KikiThePug | 0

#1702158 - Sunday 14 November 2010 22:56

Hehe. This made my day.

KikiThePug | 0

#1702604 - Monday 15 November 2010 1:16

First of all it was a spelling error. Anyway, before my comment was changed, I commented onto this: Made my* but that didn't get posted. You're lucky that I like your comments. :/