Health and School: Today, during class, a student began arguing with my Algebra... - FML

By öKANEö - United States - San Marcos

Today, during class, a student began arguing with my Algebra II teacher about whether or not water is wet. The student became so frustrated he threw a stapler across the room. Guess who got hit in the head and is currently bleeding pints in the nurse's office. FML

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Dangling modifier

Triage

Midlife crisis

By mickstinator - United States

Today, I was parking my car outside of my apartment, but the big truck next to the spot went over the line. I squeezed in anyway. Later, I discovered the truck had left and someone keyed my car. They left a note saying, "Good parking job, asshole." FML

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By jobless and broke - United States - Mesa

Today, I got fired from my new job on my first day. Why? Because I'm 19 and company policy says you have to be 21. But they can't ask how old you are. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2021 15:01 - Australia - Clayton

Nice place

Today, I experienced the perfect romantic moment as I was sitting on a hill on the beach overlooking the sunset, cuddling my girlfriend. It was abruptly ruined. How? A rat ran past. FML

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By MiceMiles - United States - Seattle

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that miles are the same distance for everything. He thought that human miles were different than mouse miles, because they're smaller. He's 34. FML

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By sirswank

Today, after giving my kids a lengthy bedtime lecture about the merits of being responsible, I thought about all the chores I had left to do, promptly ate ice cream in the shower, and went to bed. FML

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By coius

Rock, hard place

Today, after years of high blood pressure and 3 meds for it, a doctor informed me my blood pressure is going too low, and I'm passing out. I've been told to stop the meds. This followed an increase in my meds because it's killing my kidneys. So my choices are kidney failure, or passing out. FML

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By mapleleafs34 - United States

Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door is the pizza boy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband farted, grabbed a fan and blew the smell right at me. Disgusted, I reminded him that I’m a lady, not a dude. He burst out laughing and sang, "Dude looks like a lady." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house to get her, I felt a gigantic spiderweb land on my face. I also felt a light thud on my eye and it started to tear up. I ran inside and looked in a mirror, the spider was in my eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words "Lisa, will you..." then abruptly shat my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was so zoned-out, I shouted a hello to the chair in the staff room. It's the third time today I've mistaken an inanimate object for a person. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phillipsburg

Today, I begged a coworker to let me borrow her lighter for my smoke break, since I'd lost mine. She was reluctant because of my track record of losing the darn things. After my break I stopped to use the restroom really quick, and promptly dropped the lighter into the toilet. FML

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By TIlly - 23/2/2021 14:01

Sharkeisha, no

Today, after seeing an old viral video on YouTube, my boyfriend started calling me Sharkeisha. Our friends thought he was implying that I'm violent with him. FML

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By ill - Canada

Today, I called my dad to ask why my university tuition had not been paid. He said that "my school was too expensive and he couldn't afford it." He then asked me if I would take in his mail while he was away. He was taking his new wife to Hawaii, apparently it's beautiful this time of year. FML

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By dk14

Today, my girlfriend's dad let me borrow his car for transportation to work because mine got totaled. This car is a complete dump and I've realized he's only letting me use it so it's my fault to fix the broken things on the car. So far, I've had to replace the battery and two popped tires. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, I came home from work to my 4-year old daughter cussing left and right. I asked her about it; she said that her brother had taught her some words. When I confronted him about the situation, he kicked my shin and screamed, "Stop treating me like a fucking child!" He's 5. FML

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By unknown - United States

Today, I went to a concert with my boyfriend. I was repeatedly ass-grabbed, grinded on and hit on by guys. My boyfriend's response was, "As long as they continue to bring you free beer, let them get a little feel of what they are paying for." FML

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By presidont - Switzerland

Today, it was the elections for Student Council President. I decided to be nice and vote for the only other competitor because it was her birthday. I lost by one vote. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to clean bathroom duties at work. Someone wrote "Merry Christmas" on the wall in their own shit. FML

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By littl3storm - 9/6/2020 05:04

Summertime sadness

Today, as a treat to myself for completing my exams, I dyed my hair rainbow. In the process of dyeing my hair, I managed to roll over my foot, causing severe ligament damage in my foot and ankle. It's likely I'll end up with a cast. Goodbye summer. FML

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By never_ending_hangover - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend out to meet my coworkers for the first time. I really wanted to impress them, and get them to think how cool we are to hang out with, since I am new to LA. Instead, my boyfriend threw up in my boss's sink. FML

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By moodyreallyrocks - United States - Mayfield

Today, my wife is giving birth to our first born. I am an officer stationed overseas. Apparently, I am not only missing the birth, but I also missed the conception. FML

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By killme.jpeg - Netherlands - Wassenaar

Today, I scored the number of a cute girl. I gave her mine as well, just before leaving the bar. As I waved her goodbye, I attempted to do a cheesy "call me" gesture with my thumb and pinky finger, and winked. For a reason unknown to me, I ended up flipping her off. I still winked though. FML

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By Scoopie

Same as "work", "boss" is also a four-letter word

Today, my job offer from 2 weeks ago was rescinded. My "new boss" didn't like my last performance review. I'd spent 30 hours preparing a case study for the second interview. He wants me to be a "standup guy" and withdraw my application voluntarily, so HR doesn't have to get involved. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

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By post it - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I found out that when buying my $500 dollar dress I put my address as Austria instead of Australia. FML

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By Fatty - United States

Today, I found out that I've been using a "Trick Scale" that my family bought to boost my self esteem so I'd think I was losing weight. I found this out at my physical, where I learned I have actually gained ten pounds. FML

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By vivelawank - United Kingdom

Today, I realised the only preparation I've done for my final French exam has been wanking off to French porn. FML

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By Crippled - United States

Today, my parents bought me an alarm clock that runs away from you while beeping obnoxiously when you hit snooze. I just had ankle surgery and am unable to walk. FML

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By emkatch - Canada

Today, I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. It's called a threesome with my neighbor. They still don't know that I know. FML

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By poro123 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandmother said to me, "You look just like your mother did at your age. Except you're fatter of course." FML

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By evomadrid24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend smelt my penis after I got back from the gym. She was making sure it didn't smell like latex. I can't even go to the gym without her thinking I'm cheating on her. FML

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By generic_name123 - United States - Washington

Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams' phone number. After texting her "Hey, is this Stephanie?" I got response saying "Sorry bro, I know how you feel, she did the same thing to me." FML

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By fucktelstra - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I missed a phone interview for a job at Telstra because Telstra's phone network was down. FML

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By bubba - China

Creepy

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years felt comfortable enough with me to disclose that he had previously spent 4 years in a mental institute because he tried to kill his mother. He also told me we will be together forever. I'm scared. FML

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By Doubleyew1 - United States

Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML

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By yollew - United States

Today, I chipped a tooth trying to solve a Rubik's Cube. FML

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By Phil - Canada

Today, I came to the realisation that the longest relationship I've had by far is the one I have with my hemorrhoids. FML

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By Frustrated - United States

Today, I tried to work on my attitude at work. People say I'm mean, so I tried to be nice all day. Apparently I'm now condescending. FML

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By leogs23 - 15/11/2020 10:58

Time for a change

Today, I was in bed with my girlfriend and she asked to see my phone to check my Snapchat to see what was in there. After she was done with it, she start looking into her phone to see her memories and started crying over her ex-boyfriend. FML

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Top comments

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7590127 - Wednesday 24 January 2018 4:12

Ahh, but is blood wet?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7594033 - Friday 2 February 2018 16:25

That kid is mentally unstaple!

Hopefully the nurse will Bostich you up, so you can go back to class and Swingline your book bag into that kid’s face.

COMMENTS

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7590127 - Wednesday 24 January 2018 4:12

Ahh, but is blood wet?

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7593999 - Friday 2 February 2018 15:02

Looks like I learned a new tactic for debating!

By IAmClay | 24

#7594013 - Friday 2 February 2018 15:40

That’s a really uncalled for reaction by that kid. FYL, hope it’s nothing serious

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7594015 - Friday 2 February 2018 15:51

Water isn't wet, unless you flick it with your tongue and spell the alphabet.

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7594022 - Friday 2 February 2018 15:56

Depends on what type of water we're talking about...
Ice isn't wet. Neither is steam. Only liquid water is wet. Then again liquid water is basically just very dense steam which isn't wet. And ice is less dense water which also isn't liquid...

Reply

Dave_Davington | 33

#7594023 - Friday 2 February 2018 15:59

You could argue that the definition of wetness is a thing that isn't water being in contact with water. So by this definition, water itself isn't wet, only the things that are in contact with said water are wet.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7594033 - Friday 2 February 2018 16:25

That kid is mentally unstaple!

Hopefully the nurse will Bostich you up, so you can go back to class and Swingline your book bag into that kid’s face.

By Mary Jones | 4

#7594044 - Friday 2 February 2018 17:26

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By BasketBallForever293 | 17

#7594286 - Saturday 3 February 2018 10:41

I'll only say this once people so listen. WATER IS WET.

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7594370 - Saturday 3 February 2018 17:01

Have you seen my stapler? Oh, you have.

By Bakemono | 4

#7594430 - Saturday 3 February 2018 20:55

Quite unstaple eh