Pug gets taste of his own medicine!

Today, as always, my name is Karen. FML

Business savvy

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Minefield

By karen - 27/9/2019 14:00

I'm a meme

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Today, I had my first therapy session for the issues caused by trying to please my overbearing, paranoid, self-centred mother. The first thing she did after we started driving home? Ranting at me and demanding to know if I'd been "talking shit" about her to my therapist FML

By Anonymous - 28/3/2015 15:50 - United Kingdom - Horsham

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Today, I finally got cleared after my knee surgery and wanted to go salsa dancing with a girl I liked. So we went and I thought I would show off a little bit and try to dip her and kiss her. Turns out my knee isn't strong enough and now she won't talk to me after dropping her on the floor. FML

By Mikey - 28/4/2009 06:50 - United States

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Today, I lost my virginity. He then told me, in tears, how bad he felt about leaving his dog alone for the night. FML

By Anonymous - 7/6/2015 04:21 - New Zealand - Tauranga

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Today, I was pooping at a local Target when I heard someone say "You need to eat more solids, you're pooping like a rabbit." FML

By llaurenmariee - 4/8/2012 11:35 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend got really excited that he'd broken his own record; he can now last a full 2 minutes in bed. FML

By user210 - 26/3/2012 03:05 - United States

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Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

By TuralSucks - 11/3/2009 01:10 - United States

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Today, I was at the cafeteria of my school with my boyfriend and he dumped me. I was kinda expecting it. What I wasn't expecting was that he'd start running in front of everyone, screaming "FREEEEEEEEEDOM!" at the top of his lungs and that he'd kiss the first girl he saw. FML

By Anonymous - 12/6/2009 06:39 - Canada

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Today, I realized that my alcoholism has gotten so bad that I rotate liquor stores so the clerks don't think bad about me. FML

By Cpt_Concerned - 22/9/2009 04:37 - Canada

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Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. We went inside the theatre and he saw a couple of his friends. Instead of saying hi and coming back to watch the movie with me, he ditched me for them. When I reminded him he was forgetting something, he grabbed the popcorn out of my hands and left. FML

By ditched - 17/8/2009 19:49 - Canada

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Today, I drove 6 hours to make a job interview missing my best friends' wedding. The interview is actually tomorrow. FML

By poncho31 - 22/5/2010 08:08 - United States

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Today, after a 9 hour train journey through the Polish mountains, I mistook a small black and white cat for a penguin. FML

By saintmichi - 1/2/2010 00:21 - Poland

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Today, at work, my boss made me go outside and wash people's cars for free. I work at Verizon. FML

By Anonymous - 21/5/2013 06:31 - United States - Kokomo

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Today, I have to pay a $20 customs fee on the replacement charging cord for my tablet pen, bringing the total up to $60 I’ve paid for this $4 cord. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 08:01

The price is wrong

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Today, my little sister recieved a fairy costume from my aunt. She put it on and waves her wand at me. She said,"Abra cadabra bibbity poo. I wish Sydney was pretty." When I did nothing, she put her hands on her hips and says,"Cant you just act pretty?" FML

By yummolives - 26/8/2009 20:31 - United States

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Today, my brother-in-law still insists on referring to me as "his brother's wife" and tells everyone I'm not his "sister-in-law." I've been married to his brother for 10 years. FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 02:01

Rude

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Today, my child-hating friend who vowed never to have any no matter what, announced that she's pregnant. I've had three IVF cycles, spent $90k in fertility treatments, and still can't conceive. FML

By anonymous - 2/9/2011 22:02 - United States

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Today, I used my AA handbook as a beer coaster. FML

By Raprotcommander - 7/2/2011 15:47 - United States

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Today, I was eating pizza with my boyfriend and my friends. I was laughing and talking and went for another piece when my boyfriend grabbed my wrist and said that I had had enough. My friends all backed him up. FML

By fatgirl - 16/5/2010 04:08 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge argument when I suggested we start sleeping in separate rooms. He thinks I don’t love him anymore, but that’s not the case. I’m madly in love with him, but he snores like a freight train and thrashes like a fucking Ninja Turtle all night. FML

By ineed sleep!!! - 22/10/2019 20:00

Let me sleep!

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Today, I tickled my girlfriend, and her first reflex was to swing her elbow back and break my nose. FML

By Nerrh - 12/3/2011 10:53 - Australia

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Today, it's my first day of high school. It's also my first day of a three-day in-school suspension. The reason? I sat next to a girl and she immediately got up and told the teacher that she didn't "feel safe". FML

By raiden - 17/8/2018 20:30

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Today, I had my driver's permit in an envelope to keep it safe and a letter to mail out. I drove away from the post office with the letter in my hand. FML

By JadeDemolition - 24/8/2015 01:40 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2012 20:53 - United States - International Falls

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Today, I received a string of blank texts from an unknown number. When I asked who it was, I got a list of every place I've been over the last three days. I'm scared to leave the house. FML

By liLbob6598 - 10/1/2012 02:34 - United States

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Today, my sister snuck into the bathroom while I was in the shower (the locks broke) and took my clothes and towels. I came out and quickly went to my room. As I went in, my sister was sitting on my bed with two friends watching TV. I instantly covered up, but they saw everything. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2020 20:00

After shower

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Today, my best friend called me to cancel our mall plans. I could hear that she was watching a movie in the background. I then called my boyfriend to see if he was busy, and I could hear the same movie in the background. FML

By Single Again - 7/3/2020 06:11

Cunning

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Today, after holding it in for hours, I finally managed to run to the bathroom for a pee. I thought it was impossible for rats to climb up the sewer pipes and into the toilet, but apparently I was wrong. FML

By Anonymous - 8/11/2011 17:20 - United States

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Today, I was sexting my girlfriend when I accidentally sent one to my swim team’s group chat. This means that 19 men got a picture of me flexing with everything on display. Worst part? I got more compliments from them than I ever got from my girlfriend. FML

By Gayer men’s team - 2/11/2017 04:00

Go Team!

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Today, I got fed up with the amount of hair on my feet, so I went to get my foot hair waxed off. When I removed my socks, the waxer laughed the amount of foot hair. I'm a 18 year old female and it appears I have feet that were last seen on Big Foot. FML

By Anonymous - 22/12/2009 01:30 - Canada

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Today, my mom threw out years worth of trophies that I'd put tons of effort into earning. Her reason? They all looked the same to her. FML

By Facepalm - 15/8/2011 23:09 - United States

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Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML

By ohseven6421 - 3/9/2010 04:13 - United States

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Today, I was on a first date with this girl I've been talking to. I met her and she came with me so I could park my car in the student lot. On the way back, I saw a beat up car with its window duct taped up and exclaimed "Haha! Look at that piece of junk." It was her car. FML

By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 05:04 - United States

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Today, as I was lying in my bed eating my dinner, my roommate says to me: "I don't know how to say this, but we need more towels. The room is flooding." FML

By youonlyneed2squares - 24/9/2014 04:10

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Today, I tried to dye my hair blonde. Turns out, green hair doesn't suit me. FML

By Shrek's Pubes - 22/5/2019 20:00

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Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML

By AMIGODO - 12/2/2011 15:13 - Netherlands

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Today, I found a big spider on my wall. I have arachnophobia, and I was trying to kill it with my shoe. I pulled back and hit myself in the face, causing me to fall backwards. The spider is still alive somewhere in my house. FML

By jillydark6609 - 19/9/2010 06:21 - United States

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Today, my best friend resolved things with her boyfriend after he had admitted to cheating on her. I felt really guilty because I drunkenly hooked up with her boyfriend last month. She said, "I felt better when he told me that the girl was extremely ugly and bad in bed." FML

By collegegirl90 - 9/3/2009 20:52 - United States

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Today, thinking my ex-gothic friend was going through another "wear all black" phase, I walked up to her and jokingly asked who died. Her father. Her father died. FML

By One less friend... - 17/5/2018 13:00 - United States - Schnecksville

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Today, in the process of leaning over the sink to close the drain so my diamond earrings wouldn't fall in as I put them on, I dropped my diamond earring down the drain. FML

By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 05:01

The road to hell, good intentions, all that jazz

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