Today, this beautiful girl that I've known for a long time told...

By Anonymous - 4/1/2016 15:14 - United States - Dalton

Today, this beautiful girl that I've known for a long time told me that she just can't date me anymore because I remind her too much of her cat. FML

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Love

Crowded House

No one likes a smart-ass

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By blondie - 24/3/2009 23:10 - Australia

Today, I was trying to convince my boyfriend that I am NOT a dumb blonde. After screaming at the top of my lungs, I tripped over a bin and hit my head on a wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2012 19:17 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I decided not to wear any makeup. I got told 13 times at work that I looked ill. FML

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By aishahahaha_ - 19/6/2016 00:34 - Zambia - Lusaka

Today, I walked in on my sister and a few of my roommates planning a surprise party for a fellow roommate whose birthday is a week away. My birthday was yesterday. No one remembered. Not even my own sister. FML

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By jlol - 5/3/2015 14:32 - United States

Today, my teacher reached over to hand me a paper. I thought it would be funny to flinch and say, "Dad, please don't hit me". Unfortunately, he didn't think it was a joke, so I got questioned by the on-campus officer. FML

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By imblue42 - 24/6/2015 05:16 - United States

Today, I walked into the dining room to find my mom popping pimples on my dad's back. FML

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By navyma - 17/9/2009 05:10 - Korea Republic of

Today, I went to the orthodontist to have my braces worked on. I accidentally swallowed some of the cleaning solution she used. She told me it would probably give me an upset stomach. Apparently, an upset stomach and crapping your pants means the same thing to an orthodontist. FML

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By dogs_and_toucans - 8/6/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 10 months moved to Europe and we may never see each other again, so I gave her a $200 sterling silver heart necklace as a goodbye present. She gave me a pack of gum. Cinnamon, which I'm allergic to. FML

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By hater - 16/3/2010 10:55

Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML

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By CityBoysNow - 11/9/2013 00:14 - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I hooked up with the guy I've liked for a while, even though my friends joked that his large pickup truck meant that he was "compensating" for having a small penis. They were right. Very right. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2019 20:00

Today, I've had bad gas all day. In bed, almost asleep, I felt the urge to fart, and thinking nothing of it, I let it rip. It wasn't a fart. FML

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By how many?! - 22/8/2019 00:01

Today, a woman contacted me because she thinks my daughter and her children are half siblings. I thought it was a scam until she sent me a picture of my estranged ex and her kids, who look almost identical to mine. I’m the eighth woman she's contacted so far, with who knows how many more to go. FML

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By Demetria - 20/8/2012 22:02 - United States - White Plains

Today, I had to go down to the county police department to bail out my kids who thought it would be a good idea to try mugging an ice cream truck driver. FML

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By ugh - 25/4/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, at the rescue group I volunteer at, we finally adopted out a dog that has been with us for a few years now. This was an amazing thing for us because we never thought he'd get adopted. As we were getting excited and hugging each other, the dog ran away. FML

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By :( - 24/6/2012 21:45 - United States - Montevideo

Today, my parents felt the need to lecture me about how people who "smoke the reefer" are a "waste of life" and will never amount to anything. I was baked during the entire conversation, and actually ended up breaking down in tears, because I realized they were totally right. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann - 21/9/2018 14:00

Today, after months of planning, I finally got my first tattoo: my cat's paw print. I love it so I showed my friends pictures. One said it looks like poop and the other said it looks like I have a disease. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2013 10:37 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I realised I sweat so much that I won't be able to go without sticking super pads with wings to my shirt underarms everyday. It makes supermarket trips interesting. Especially as a man. FML

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By assante2010 - 24/7/2011 00:09 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

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By Alpheas - 30/5/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, a four pound can of tuna fell on my head at work, and it burst all over my clothes. Since I'm the manager, I had to stay all day reeking of tuna. Now I'm home, my damn cat won't leave me alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 01:03 - United States

Today, while taking a shower, I saw shadows moving across the curtains. The shadow turned out to be a cricket that then fell into the tub. I ran out of the bathroom screaming and naked. My little sister came to my door and said, "If I hadn't just seen your balls, I would swear mom had TWO daughters." FML

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By zstarr - 14/7/2012 11:15 - United States - Rome

Today, I realized my boyfriend uses sex as a way to get me to stop talking. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2011 00:17 - Israel

Today, my husband told me that he never washes his hands after using the bathroom because he thinks it's only for "paranoid people". FML

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By Tris - 12/9/2019 16:00

Talk is cheap

Today, my co-workers keep making fun of me because I said, “You’re very so welcome.” They say it's not proper grammar, but honestly I can’t find anything that says I’m wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2019 00:01 - United States - New York

Today, I caught my half-sister stealing money from her mother's purse. Rather than risk getting in trouble, she told her uber-conservative mother that I've been seeing a girl. So now, I'm grounded for being gay, and she gets off the hook for stealing because she outed me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, I went to a school football game alone. I sat next to these hot girls. To seem cool, I picked up my phone and had a fake conversation with the coolest guy in the grade. Halfway through, he came over and talked to the girls. FML

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By ShowerStar - 15/8/2012 21:14 - United States - Mequon

Today, I realized that my neighbors can not only hear me singing in the shower through my apartment's paper-thin walls, they also take great delight in recording it so that they can play it at high volume for their friends when they next throw a party. I want to disappear. FML

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By The Lone Ranger - 5/10/2010 07:43 - United States

Today, I was given a $25 gift certificate for being Employee Of The Week. The gift certificate was 6 months past its expiration date. FML

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By mcpeepants - 8/1/2010 17:56 - United States

Today, I found out I've recently developed a bladder control issue. Every time I lift anything more than about fifteen pounds, I pee myself a little. I work in a warehouse. Heavy lifting is my job. FML

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By Megara - 15/3/2011 05:58 - United States

Today, I was telling my dad about how I emasculated my guy friends because I can drive a stick shift while they can't. He said, "And you wonder why people think you're a lesbian." FML

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By Magnus_the_Red - 9/9/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she didn't want to get it on with me because she didn't want to ruin my innocence. FML

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By x - 21/2/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, a 32 year old man I had been dating for a few months, finally took me to his place. To my surprise, this bachelor had a huge and very clean home! Also, to my surprise, I met the REAL homeowner. His grandmother, who came home early. We were having sex on her couch at the time. FML

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By regretter - 1/3/2011 01:07

Today, I paid €100 to have a tube shoved down my genitals. FML

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By graham - 11/1/2020 14:00

Very mean

Today, my first time meeting my girlfriend's dad ended with him chasing me from his house and trying to hit me with a baseball bat. FML

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By solyana vr1 - 15/3/2012 01:32 - United States

Today, my husband started getting frisky, but I wasn't in the mood, so I said I'd just like to cuddle and talk. He decided a good topic of conversation was whether or not it would be physically possible to smoke my grandma's ashes from the cremation urn. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 07:09 - Australia

Today, I received 5 missed calls from a florist stating that they were having problems delivering a bouquet from my ex. I was thrilled at the idea of a reconciliation. Turns out however that he just got mine and his new girlfriend's phone numbers confused. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, I was getting ready for my first date with a boy I really like when my dad insisted on meeting him. My dad is super protective and a cop. He cleaned his gun in front of my date and made it clear he had to be careful with me. My date started to cry when we got to the car. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2012 15:32 - United States - Acton

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. Yesterday, I finally came to my senses and started using birth control. FML

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By x0SoReckless0x - 16/11/2009 11:39 - United States

Today, some obnoxious guys started calling me ugly. I tried to ignore them and be the bigger person. That's pretty hard to do when they start throwing rocks at you. FML

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By WTFisMyLife - 8/5/2019 03:00

Today, my boyfriend whipped out his proverbial notebook, where he obviously keeps notes of what I do and how I act during sex, and then grilled me about every single one of those things. Now I'm scared to do anything because I don't want to be interrogated about it later. FML

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By nickname - 14/9/2009 09:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a birthday party and got my face rubbed in with a cake. When I came out of the restroom having washed my face I noticed one of the girls going in. Just to be nice I asked, "They put cake on your face too, did they?" She said no, that was just her make-up. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2020 05:00 - Australia

Jaws

Today, I was violently sick. There was so much vomit forcing itself out that I dislocated my jaw. I continued throwing up with a dislocated jaw for an hour or so. FML

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Top comments

By snowkittyyy | 18

#6501667 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:36

Do...you meow? O.o did you ask why she thought that?

By jake_braves | 25

#6501681 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:41

So petzoned is the new thing now huh..

Comments

By snowkittyyy | 18

#6501667 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:36

Do...you meow? O.o did you ask why she thought that?

Lars93 | 18

#6501728 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 0:35

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6501734 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 0:41

If you have to explain the joke then it's a shitty joke

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6501735 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 0:42

If you have to explain the joke then it's a shitty joke

XxDanno316xX | 27

#6501737 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 0:50

We got it the first time mate. :)

zach205 | 24

#6501937 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 6:16

I'm sure some people need a 2nd time before they get it

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6506011 - Saturday 9 January 2016 20:16

I only posted it once "mate". FML does that sometimes

By _delusions_ | 15

#6501670 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:38

Guess its time to start acting like a dog.
Juust kidding. That is odd and I dont see why being a human version of a cat is a bad thing but oh well.

Flowtastic | 16

#6501757 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 1:04

You've never had a cat shove their butthole in your face for affection I take it....

By Dark_Cecilia | 20

#6501671 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:38

How does that even happen?

joeyl2008 | 29

#6501815 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 2:54

Maybe they are Catkin

By Imhere4fml | 24

#6501672 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:39

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Railroader | 16

#6501680 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:40

So she thinks you are pussy?

By jake_braves | 25

#6501681 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:41

So petzoned is the new thing now huh..

By jake_braves | 25

#6501683 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:42

Perhaps you are a lazy pussy that feels entitled to everything...nah.

Pingvinai | 37

#6502872 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 5:31

Should've left at your peak, man.

By cacheson | 40

#6501685 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:42

Just explain you can be superheroes together. Cat woman and cat man.

By FryingPanHero | 11

#6501687 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:43

You truly are the cat's meow!

By ezrocks4u | 29

#6501689 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:43

...did she ever scratch you behind the ear? Do you enjoy long naps and tuna? :3