Today, this beautiful girl that I've known for a long time told...

By Anonymous - 4/1/2016 15:14 - United States - Dalton

Today, this beautiful girl that I've known for a long time told me that she just can't date me anymore because I remind her too much of her cat. FML

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Love

Boom, headshot

Gas giant

Alternative medicine is bull

By librarygirl - 13/8/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the library. A kid came up and asked me to help him peel the back off his sticker. It took me so long the kid left. Determined, I still tried to peel it off. Fifteen minutes later, the librarian came over, looked once at it, and told me it wasn't a sticker. FML

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By yuck - 9/12/2018 03:30 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was out riding and a seagull pissed on me. It got in my mouth. FML

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By ouch - 14/6/2012 11:26 - Australia - Collaroy

Today, my psychiatrist asked me if I felt bad about my weight. When I said no, he looked surprised and said, "Why not?" FML

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By need my own place - 24/10/2015 23:24 - United States

Today, while I was cutting myself some watermelon, my mom walked in. I could tell she hadn't taken her medication in a while because she freaked out, grabbed the knife, and burst into tears before yelling at me, saying I could have cut myself and bled out. FML

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By imblue42 - 24/6/2015 05:16 - United States

Today, I walked into the dining room to find my mom popping pimples on my dad's back. FML

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By madiison09 - 1/4/2013 17:46 - United States

Today, I got a letter from Yale law school saying I got a 4 year full scholarship. I called my dad crying and read the whole thing... even the bottom, which said, "April fools! Love mom and dad." FML

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By Stop being healthy - 22/4/2017 22:00

Today, and every other day this week, I brought carrots and celery into work to eat as a snack instead of chocolate. I got back from lunch to find a note on my desk saying, "Do you really think it's OK to eat carrots and celery that loudly every day?" Guess I won't try to be healthy. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2019 22:00

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling everybody that I’m a lesbian, because both of her best friends have at least one gay child each, and she was feeling left out. This explains why people have been treating me differently the last few weeks. FML

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By Spawn_of_Satan - 27/3/2009 15:18 - Hong Kong

Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought it would be funny to play porn on my computer. At full volume. With my window wide open. Now my next-door neighbors tell their kids I'm a spawn of Satan, and the weird guy from across the street winks at me. FML

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By :) - 22/4/2010 17:37 - Greece

Today, I was getting my portrait done. The artist told me to smile. He looked at me, then said, "Oh, don't smile." FML

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By mortifying - 28/10/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Skinny girl

Today, I started playing footsie with the girl I like next to me in Biology. Turns out it was the table leg. FML

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By scorned ex - 17/10/2015 03:29

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me an email that read, "How to lose 25lbs". I was eating a large slice of pie when I opened the email. FML

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By Renderfist - 6/7/2017 18:30

Today, I had to comfort my wife after she found out that her boyfriend wasn't faithful to her. FML

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By nichaneely - 21/1/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I got yelled at by one of my bosses. The reason? I was yawning. I work at Starbucks. Apparently I wasn't 'promoting' correctly. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 01:54 - United States - Natrona Heights

Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML

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By GoulashQueen - 8/12/2019 01:00 - Australia - Brunswick

Good food

Today, I sent a dude a snapchat of my food. He responded with a video of him taking a shower, nude. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 01:49 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to Taco Bell since it's her favorite place to eat. I thought it'd be cute to get one of the sauce packets that says "Will you marry me?" on it and give it to her all cute-like. She thought it was adorable. While we were leaving, she threw it out. FML

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By Ad-s - 14/1/2009 05:01 - France

Today, I got together with a small gathering of friends in a bar. I go up to the bar to order something, but with all the music and noise, the barman can't hear what I'm trying to say, so he leans forward, cocking his ear towards me. For some reason, I thought he was being friendly so I kissed him as if we were saying hello to each other. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter is dating my boss' daughter. I found this out because my extremely homophobic boss told me and wants me to 'heal' them or get fired. I didn't even know my daughter was gay. FML

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By Amy (grossed out) - 27/4/2014 13:43 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my long-distance boyfriend got extremely drunk and insisted that we ran the Skype call all night so it was like I was there with him. I woke up to the sound of him vomiting loudly at 3am. FML

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By nonnie31 - 25/4/2016 19:17 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I arrived for the two-week scuba diving vacation I spent months saving, planning, and looking forward to. Today, I also developed an ear infection and can't scuba dive for 2 weeks. FML

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By GuessImWalking - 13/5/2017 16:00

Today, I found out I will be without a car for two weeks because my mother volunteered to let my grandparents use mine while theirs is being repaired. They've been in 4 accidents over the last year. FML

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By yosmurf - 13/8/2018 23:31

Smooth.

Today, I finished taking a huge dump at the public restroom at the mall. When I got up to wipe, my wrist clipped my butt and knocked my brand new Apple Watch into the toilet. FML

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By oops - 19/8/2013 16:00 - United States - Omaha

Today, I forgot to shut off some pumps before closing the main valves that run to them. Several sirens soon started blaring at a deafening level. I'm new here and nobody else is around. I don't know how to shut the sirens off. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, the creepy girl in my history class told me that she once spent a whole period doing nothing but counting the freckles on the right side of my face, and that I have more than she's ever seen before on anyone else combined. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2013 22:13 - Australia

Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant is in the stifling heatwave spreading through my country. It's no longer effective against my awful B.O., which is a problem because I'm a mascot, and my costume traps the smell inside like a portable toilet. FML

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By fishingforubies2 - 24/7/2015 14:02 - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

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By Mj - 20/7/2016 00:28 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I farted in a public pool and watched in horror as bubbles of death gas floated up beside my son who started calling me the fart monster in front of everyone. FML

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By disappointed - 7/6/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, after spending thousands of dollars and several years pursuing a higher education so I could get a high paying job doing something that requires skill and brainpower, I finally got my first job offer after months of searching. I will be cleaning houses. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2014 05:02 - United States - Kansas City

Today, my husband reorganized our fridge for the World Cup. He cleared everything out and filled it with beer and chips. FML

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By Nearly blind - 7/10/2018 17:30

Today, I forgot my contact solution and used my sister's. When I put them in, my eyes burnt like hell. Apparently my sister has a new solution that is acidic and only gets neutralized after 12 hours in a special container. The warning is on the INSIDE of the bottle label. FML

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By dumbfriend - 12/3/2012 19:48 - United States

Today, I was talking to a group of friends about the various problems in Africa. One of them interrupts me and asks with a straight face, "If it's so bad over there, why don't they all just leave?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 23:01

XXL

Today, after losing 20 pounds, I decided to purchase new clothes. All of the clothes at the store were still too small for me. FML

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By FennFoxx - 21/3/2017 07:00 - United States - Cheraw

Today, I decided to take a relaxing bubble bath in my jacuzzi. I poured in the bubbles, turned on the jets, and got in. I realized too late that the jets had caused the bubbles to overflow and had made a huge mess in my bathroom. Relaxing, indeed. FML

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By duncanisgey - 4/3/2011 22:57 - Canada

Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2009 00:29 - United States

Today, I'm a 19 year old college student in NYC, it's Friday night and I'm sitting alone on my bed in my dorm room, talking to my mother on facebook chat. Then she stopped responding. Turns out even my mother has better things to do on Friday night. FML

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By jarrettsorko - 23/8/2011 16:38 - Canada

Today, someone broke into my house. They stole my TV, DVD player and a few DVDs. However they only took about 2 out of 100 DVDs. Apparently that's how bad my taste is in movies. FML

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By sickmom - 21/1/2014 11:07 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I have the flu. I woke up to my son leaning over me, inches from my face, breathing in deeply. Apparently, he was trying to get sick so he could stay home from school. He's 15. FML

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By sad - 5/11/2012 07:02 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I was eating a fancy dinner with my girlfriend at a restaurant. Suddenly, my ex-girlfriend, who was seemingly still angry after our breakup 2 years ago, saw me through the window. She walked in, took my spaghetti dinner, shoved it in my face, and stormed out. FML

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By owmyhead - 21/8/2011 00:08 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that when a pierced, tattooed, and otherwise extremely stereotypical biker chick jokingly threatens to find you and beat you up if you don't call her back after a one-night stand, she's not actually joking. FML

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Top comments

By snowkittyyy | 18

#6501667 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:36

Do...you meow? O.o did you ask why she thought that?

By jake_braves | 25

#6501681 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:41

So petzoned is the new thing now huh..

COMMENTS

By snowkittyyy | 18

#6501667 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:36

Do...you meow? O.o did you ask why she thought that?

Lars93 | 18

#6501728 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 0:35

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6501734 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 0:41

If you have to explain the joke then it's a shitty joke

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6501735 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 0:42

If you have to explain the joke then it's a shitty joke

XxDanno316xX | 27

#6501737 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 0:50

We got it the first time mate. :)

zach205 | 24

#6501937 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 6:16

I'm sure some people need a 2nd time before they get it

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6506011 - Saturday 9 January 2016 20:16

I only posted it once "mate". FML does that sometimes

By _delusions_ | 15

#6501670 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:38

Guess its time to start acting like a dog.
Juust kidding. That is odd and I dont see why being a human version of a cat is a bad thing but oh well.

Flowtastic | 16

#6501757 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 1:04

You've never had a cat shove their butthole in your face for affection I take it....

By Dark_Cecilia | 20

#6501671 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:38

How does that even happen?

joeyl2008 | 29

#6501815 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 2:54

Maybe they are Catkin

By Imhere4fml | 24

#6501672 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:39

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Railroader | 16

#6501680 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:40

So she thinks you are pussy?

By jake_braves | 25

#6501681 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:41

So petzoned is the new thing now huh..

By jake_braves | 25

#6501683 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:42

Perhaps you are a lazy pussy that feels entitled to everything...nah.

Pingvinai | 37

#6502872 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 5:31

Should've left at your peak, man.

By cacheson | 41

#6501685 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:42

Just explain you can be superheroes together. Cat woman and cat man.

By FryingPanHero | 11

#6501687 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:43

You truly are the cat's meow!

By ezrocks4u | 29

#6501689 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:43

...did she ever scratch you behind the ear? Do you enjoy long naps and tuna? :3