Love: Today, this beautiful girl that I've known for a long time told...

By Anonymous - United States - Dalton

Today, this beautiful girl that I've known for a long time told me that she just can't date me anymore because I remind her too much of her cat. FML

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22331

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Love

Out of it

Leave us alone

Vampires are everywhere

By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, the man I was going to dinner with got me the most expensive necklace. We got to the table he had reserved when his friend comes and sits with us. Somehow the subject of getting it on comes up. My date then says "expensive jewelry - one way ticket to her pants". FML

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55904

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By itwasntme

It Wasn't Me, by Shaggy

Today, we found out my brother in law cheated on my sister. Somehow they’ve blamed me for the whole incident. I don’t know the guy. FML

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1667

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118

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By parisklutz - France - Dounoux

Today, it was my first day in Paris. I've been saving up for five years. It was a rainy day, but I was determined to go see the Eiffel Tower. On my way, I fell down a slippery set of stairs and knocked both of my front teeth out. Now, I have the view of the Eiffel Tower from my hospital window. FML

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31295

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By unluckydude - Colombia - Tunja

Today, my co-worker thought it would be funny to tell her husband that she cheated on him with me. I'm scared to death and I don't dare to go out by myself. FML

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43877

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By Michael - 5/2/2021 21:30 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Give me strength

Today, I wanted to clean my house. Of course the vacuum cleaner got stuck behind furniture multiple times. After the fifth time or so, I gave it a good pull. Now my vacuum cleaner is broken and the socket is off the wall. FML

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282

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885

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By andimanastudent - United States

Today, I freaked out when the remote wouldn't unlock my car. I stood in the rain trying to open the door. Unsure of what to do next, I called my boyfriend. He told me to "put the key in the door". I had forgotten about that option. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2021 13:01 - Isle of Man - Douglas

Getting through this

Today, just three weeks after my wife died, I received a substantial life insurance payment. Do I laugh or cry? FML

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907

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By Anonymous - United States - Naperville

Today, after careful consideration, I told my wife I really want to have kids. She laughed, until she finally realized I was serious, at which point she flicked me in the balls and said, "Problem solved." FML

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29673

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3738

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By Lunar-Spice - 7/11/2020 08:01

Don't try this at home

Today, I found out what it feels like to put in a contact while drunk. My eye still hurts. FML

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244

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729

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By Eddie B

Scammed

Today, I found out that I'm just one of the millions who got scammed by what seemed to be a legit website. None of the negative reviews or bugs appeared until after I spent a fortune of someone else’s money on a server that will never arrive. FML

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1111

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530

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By davifilo - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I went bowling. I noticed a 10-year-old holding an iPod Touch which had the exact same customized case with my name on it as my iPod that was stolen a year ago at the same bowling centre. Even better, the parents yelled at me for accusing him. I got kicked out the bowling centre. FML

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31910

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 02:02

Preventive measures

Today, I was minding my own business when the guy I have a crush on sat down next to me at work, explained that he heard that I had a crush on him and that he was flattered, but that we should "be friends" because I'm a "nice girl". I was rejected by someone I didn't even pursue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1416

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121

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By y00na

Today, I thought it would be fun to tint my hair. An hour later, I resemble a blueberry and it looks like a Smurf exploded in my bathroom. FML

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2101

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1115

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. I will never look at him in the same way again. He also made his hands "have sex". FML

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24760

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2608

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By anon - United States

Today, my parents have deliberately ruined my last 2 relationships, because they want me to get back together with my ex simply because he is my son's dad. Apparently, my son needs his father more than I need a man who won't beat me every time he gets drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34545

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By shit - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud. And that I wasn't alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17477

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31248

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By Elizabeth Ann

Today, I no longer need an alarm clock. My cat has learned to jump on my boobs at precisely 7:30 every morning. If I don't get up immediately, she just keeps jumping on my boobs. I'm an E cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2556

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350

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called a wrong number. Calling back the right person, I began a long story about how I'd just called the wrong number. It was the wrong number lady again. FML

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13554

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38732

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By i guess - United States - Hamilton

Today, my boss told our production department that we're not allowed to be happy. FML

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42556

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3580

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By ELK

Today, having played golf for 15 years, I had my first hole in one. I was playing by myself. There were no witnesses. FML

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3822

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348

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By BetterThanFake - United States

Today, I made a fake MySpace so that I could flirt with my boyfriend and see what he would do. He ended up dumping me for the fake MySpace girl. FML

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17375

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51425

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By Vitani_Verci

Today, one of the kids at the daycare center I work at was so excited at the fact that his constipation was over, he felt the need to bring me his fecal matter, in his hands, to show me. Guess who had to clean up the aftermath. FML

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22872

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1763

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, after trying for months for a baby, I finally got a positive test. For chlamydia. FML

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22472

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By Ghostie - United States

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents. They were both on the bed, and I was lying on the floor next to their bed. Halfway through the movie, apparently forgetting that I was in the room, my parents started getting friendly. Three feet away from me. FML

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67572

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By Avdhut Joshi - India - Thane

Today, I set an alarm to wake up for a football match. I woke up after it finished. Turns out, I set my alarm to 12:15 p.m. instead of a.m. I ended up missing one of my team's best performances. FML

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1060

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1442

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By ugh - United States

Today, I woke up to a homeless man relentlessly shitting on my porch. FML

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42614

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3909

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By Ah piss - United States

Today, my roommate let me know he "bumped" another car with mine. What he really meant was that I need a new rear quarter panel and the very angry BMW driver he hit has all of my information. FML

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27046

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3876

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By Anonymous - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to explain to my friend that being arrested isn't something a decent person should have on their bucket list. I had to explain this while bailing her out of jail. FML

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21771

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2415

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By meow

Today, I found out my boss hired literally the only person in this town who is an ex-boyfriend. I also work with my current boyfriend. FML

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1544

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195

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my gynecologist told me that the ecosystem in my vagina is unbalanced, and that I have to do some reconstruction. Uhm what? FML

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34518

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Evesham

Today, my girlfriend decided that having OCD will help her lose weight. She is now convinced that walking in and out of doorways multiple times will burn fat. FML

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23982

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2387

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By fmyarse - United Kingdom - Blairgowrie

Today, I realised a second too late why trying to hack a popcorn kernel out from between your teeth with a steak knife is really a bad idea. FML

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6576

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48772

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By cathugger

Today, I decided to confess my feelings and perform a love song I'd written for my crush during an open mic night. He was there - he also took the opportunity to declare his love to his on-off girlfriend, get down on one knee and propose to her. She said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1691

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474

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By ouagadougou - United States

Today, I rolled over a curb and bent one of the signs that read "Please Park Here After Your Road Test," at the DMV, because my foot slipped off the brake just before I put the car in park, which would've ended my Test. The first words out of the examiner's mouth were, "Well you would've passed." FML

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23038

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31722

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By thanks for the $5 gift voucher - United States - Randleman

Today, my parents bought my 11-year-old brother a MacBook for my birthday. FML

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33033

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2393

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By Ayeya - United States

Today, I wanted to print out a 100 page game strategy guide using company's printer. While not wanting anyone to find out about this I picked a time where I thought no one would be printing. My CEO ended up standing next to me for 10 minutes waiting for his stuff to print after mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9750

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74030

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By me - United States - West Babylon

Today, I managed to infect a clean computer with a virus while looking up info on how to rid my other computer of the same virus. FML

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40540

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By tumblrinas_at_work - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, I had to go to a boring, never-ending "sensitivity training" session, all because my douchebag coworker filed a complaint against me last week after I apologized for being tardy. Apparently I was insulting people with mental disorders. Or as she put it, "differently-abled" people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30688

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2948

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By Annonymous

Today, my neighbors put up their Christmas lights. They blink red and green on and off. Ever since they put them up, my dog hasn't stopped barking. It's 2:00AM. FML

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29692

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3975

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By ari - United States

Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML

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35822

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Top comments

By snowkittyyy | 18

#6501667 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:36

Do...you meow? O.o did you ask why she thought that?

By jake_braves | 25

#6501681 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:41

So petzoned is the new thing now huh..

COMMENTS

By snowkittyyy | 18

#6501667 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:36

Do...you meow? O.o did you ask why she thought that?

Lars93 | 18

#6501728 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 0:35

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6501734 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 0:41

If you have to explain the joke then it's a shitty joke

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6501735 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 0:42

If you have to explain the joke then it's a shitty joke

XxDanno316xX | 27

#6501737 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 0:50

We got it the first time mate. :)

zach205 | 24

#6501937 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 6:16

I'm sure some people need a 2nd time before they get it

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6506011 - Saturday 9 January 2016 20:16

I only posted it once "mate". FML does that sometimes

By _delusions_ | 15

#6501670 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:38

Guess its time to start acting like a dog.
Juust kidding. That is odd and I dont see why being a human version of a cat is a bad thing but oh well.

Flowtastic | 16

#6501757 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 1:04

You've never had a cat shove their butthole in your face for affection I take it....

By Dark_Cecilia | 20

#6501671 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:38

How does that even happen?

joeyl2008 | 29

#6501815 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 2:54

Maybe they are Catkin

By Imhere4fml | 24

#6501672 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:39

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By Railroader | 16

#6501680 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:40

So she thinks you are pussy?

By jake_braves | 25

#6501681 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:41

So petzoned is the new thing now huh..

By jake_braves | 25

#6501683 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:42

Perhaps you are a lazy pussy that feels entitled to everything...nah.

Pingvinai | 37

#6502872 - Wednesday 6 January 2016 5:31

Should've left at your peak, man.

By cacheson | 41

#6501685 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:42

Just explain you can be superheroes together. Cat woman and cat man.

By FryingPanHero | 11

#6501687 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:43

You truly are the cat's meow!

By ezrocks4u | 29

#6501689 - Monday 4 January 2016 23:43

...did she ever scratch you behind the ear? Do you enjoy long naps and tuna? :3