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The spirit of John Lennon

By Becks - 07/09/2020 23:01

Today, I found a bug in my bra. Not a huge deal, so I flicked him out. Turns out he was a black blister beetle. I woke to at 3 a.m. to insane pain, as well as the water blisters all over my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 596

You deserved it 122

By TaddM21 - 02/01/2015 03:18 - United States - Salem

Today, I dragged my grill outside in the freezing cold to cook a steak for New Year's day. I left my spatula in the garage, and I set the still-wrapped steak on the grill. I was only gone 45 seconds, but that was long enough for my cat to open the wrapper and run off with my steak in his jaws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 849

You deserved it 6 951

Snitched

By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 14:19 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was watching wrestling videos on YouTube, when my little brother walked in. Later, my little brother told my parents that I was watching naked men on my computer. They won't stop thinking that I was watching gay porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 439

You deserved it 7 453

By Anonymous - 12/01/2011 05:31 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw an old man, and me feeling nice I asked him if I could help him cross the street. He responded with: "Only if you let me touch your tits." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 281

You deserved it 6 629

By Anonymous - 19/01/2010 09:34 - United States

Today, as I was walking home, I felt my feet slip out from under me and I face-planted in the slushy, dirty, melting snow. I rolled over, completely soaked, and attempted to get up, thinking no one saw me. A mail-man then passed me without offering to help, and said, "I've seen worse." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 425

You deserved it 3 047

By juliette - 08/10/2012 05:39 - United States - Tucson

Spicy

Today, I surprised my boyfriend with a bag containing condoms and sexy lingerie. He looks into it and says, "I hope you kept the receipt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 578

You deserved it 4 517

By Nicoli - 10/11/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of five years was in a bad car crash, and ended up with a concussion. He didn't remember me. At all. But he remembered his other girlfriend he had cheated on me with for two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 946

You deserved it 4 004

By Anonymous - 11/01/2011 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and my pee split into 4 different streams, none of which actually hit the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 030

You deserved it 7 024

Pretentious menus suck

By Anonymous - 20/02/2023 02:00

Today, I went to a fancy restaurant and couldn't pronounce any of the menu items. FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 570

By Anonymous - 10/01/2011 07:09 - United States

Today, trying to be cute, my boyfriend threw a snowball at me. This would have been fine had it not been hard enough to break my glasses. As a college student, I have to choose between eating for the next two weeks or replacing them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 979

You deserved it 2 990

By Darla - 05/10/2012 08:14 - United States - Arcadia

Today, I realized that at age 54, I'm no longer young enough to go commando anymore. Every time I sneezed today, I peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 761

You deserved it 12 964

Check this property out!

By Anonymous - 02/07/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, it was my first day working for a real estate company. Just when I got into my car, my pants ripped from my crotch all the way to the top of my pants, a split that was three inches wide. I was wearing a thong and we were on our way to show him an open house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 055

You deserved it 9 218

This needs further details!

By Anonymous - 03/12/2021 11:01

Today, I was conned out of £50,000 by my own father, who everyone thought had been dead for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 024

You deserved it 204

By lawoman27 - 01/07/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I found out I was named after the woman my dad was having an affair on my mom with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 979

You deserved it 2 774

By peonypiney - 03/11/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, I spent over 20 minutes trying to convince my daughter that the word she was trying to use was "Back-pack" and not "Back-back". I never convinced her. She is 16 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 366

You deserved it 6 369

peonypiney tells us more.

peonypiney 6

Friday 4 November 2011 1:56

This is my FML. YES, she is extremely blonde and believe it or not, a straight A student. I have never noticed she said it that way before until she had it written down. I've never caught it because we usually say "Book Bag". Her older brother finally convinced her through mockery and laughter.

By POLYBLOT - 30/06/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I took chocolax to help lose some weight before I left for Miami. Turns out it doesn't happen right away like in the movies, it happens six hours later in front of your girlfriends parents, that you've just met for the first time at a very upperclass restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 962

You deserved it 56 132

Messy

By Anonymous - 03/11/2018 22:00

Today, after a long shift, I came home and cleaned my house so I could relax tomorrow. I finished up the night with a soothing bubble bath, which was lovely until the ceiling collapsed into the tub. I can't even wash the filth off because my bath is full of drain-clogging plaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 913

You deserved it 157

Lockdown fashion

By Anonymous - 18/09/2020 08:01 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my partner got a lockdown haircut. He now has a mullet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 074

You deserved it 214

Nice my ass!

By what’s going on here? - 03/03/2023 16:00

Today, my husband’s coworker made lunch for him again complete with a “cute” note. I cook every day, but somehow this single woman finds it appropriate to cook and pack lunch for my husband. When I told him it needs to stop, he said I was being too jealous, and she’s just a nice lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 210

You deserved it 148

By Anonymous - 28/06/2009 17:30 - United States

Today, I finally got my yearbook for senior year in high school. I started what everyone does, which is count how many times I appear in the yearbook. I stopped when I found a prominent photo of me, picking my nose in class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 701

You deserved it 50 499

By NoNotCats =^._.^= - 03/09/2013 08:17 - United States - Mesa

Today, I was at the doctor's getting a check up. He asked me if I was allergic to anything, to which I blurted out, "Cats." He gave me a weird look and said, "Don't worry, I won't give you cats." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 579

You deserved it 7 159

Stealthy

By ohdear - 31/10/2011 15:38 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend tried to change her pad while we were sitting in a crowded movie theatre. She succeeded and slipped the used pad into her purse. I can't get rid of the memory, and I don't think I can ever eat popcorn again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 096

You deserved it 5 381

By mickey1928 - 12/01/2010 13:10

Today, I took my wife and newborn baby girl home from the hospital. While waiting for the elevator, an elderly couple leaned over, saw our baby, and said, "Look, it's the fat kid that was in the nursery." My baby is six and a half pounds, and my wife hasn't stopped crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 007

You deserved it 2 919

By kebaby - 19/06/2010 23:19 - United States

Today, I spent a long time steam-cleaning a mystery stain on my living room carpet. I turned the light on to get a better look at it, and realized that it was a shadow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 946

You deserved it 48 210

Devious, the lot of them

By Anonymous - 27/09/2020 23:03

Today, I was out walking with a cute girl when we passed by a house with a Trump sign. Trying to make her laugh, I went to steal it. Turns out it was booby trapped. I got drenched by a sprinkler when I got close. FML

I agree, your life sucks 526

You deserved it 2 379

Gun control

By Anonymous - 14/12/2021 20:01

Today, our 9 year-old son managed to shoot himself in the gut with my nail gun. According to my wife, this is completely my fault, because I ONLY kept it in my locked garage, ONLY secured in its box, ONLY completely disconnected from the power, ONLY on the highest shelf near the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 472

You deserved it 159

By jesspacheco27 - 15/12/2014 18:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my classmate said I looked better without makeup. Well, her exact words were, "You look like less of a whore without makeup." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 245

You deserved it 8 350

jesspacheco27 tells us more.

jesspacheco27 12

Tuesday 16 December 2014 3:10

She's Muslim I believe so they're into the covered hair no make-up, "covered up" look I guess.

Van life

By big mouth - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - New Zealand - Northland

Today, at work, I saw a van in our car park with "Hurlz Wagon" painted on its side. Laughing, I told the customer who owned it that I loved the name, and I asked was there a funny vomit story behind it. She didn't laugh, and told me it was her family name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 362

You deserved it 9 444

By Anonymous - 31/12/2010 07:43 - United States

Today, I found a note in my boyfriend's car from another girl telling him she hoped he liked the flowers. These were the same flowers he gave me while I was in the hospital, just after having his kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 473

You deserved it 4 486

One last thing…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 073

You deserved it 4 968

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The Top

The Top

Today, while paying a $60 tab on drinks for a girl, a guy grabs the money-clip out of my hand and runs. I start to chase after him; the girl trips me, then runs after him. The bartender calls the cops; not to catch the thieves, but to report me for not paying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 159

You deserved it 4 999

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by covering my car with post-it notes that read "it's you not me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 333

You deserved it 4 031

Today, the fire alarm went off in my dorm. Not only was it 30 degrees outside, but I was in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 012

You deserved it 3 325

Today, I opened my lunch in front of my friends at university. I had a note in my lunch from my mother that said "Have a good day sweetie! - Love mom". I wrote that note, and put it in my lunch to impress my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 316

You deserved it 66 561

Today, I rode my bike to the store because I only had a few things to pick up. When I walked back out after five minutes, my bike was stolen. I had gone to the store to buy a new bike lock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 829

You deserved it 12 928

Today, my wax appointment cancelled on me, we’re supposed to be going to Hawaii in the morning and now I can’t wear a bikini because my stomach and back are hairier than my husband's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 493

You deserved it 487