The Top

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Gift of the gab

By Nicole - 13/12/2014 15:20 - United States

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 380

You deserved it 7 301

By Anonymous - 29/12/2015 17:29 - United States - Charleston

Today, I woke up to several dead snails and worms all over my bed. I guess that's what my little sister meant yesterday when she said I'd be sorry for not letting her play on my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 391

You deserved it 2 210

By wjones - 15/12/2009 15:06 - United States

Today, my family and I were decorating the Christmas tree. It seemed a bit unstable, but we decorated it without any problems. Later, while my daughter sat by the tree, it began to fall. Her grandmother stopped the tree from hitting her. I, on the other hand, screamed like a little girl. I'm a 38 year-old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 528

You deserved it 33 810

By Upset Mommy - 14/07/2013 04:32 - United States

Today, my water broke. I called my mom, who had agreed to watch my other two kids while I went to the hospital. When I asked her to come over, she just said, "Sorry, now isn't a good time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 984

You deserved it 3 708

By wut - 05/08/2012 05:23 - United States

Today, a guy said to me, "I'd really love to see that smile back at my place." Trying to be cute, I asked him if he was single. He replied with, "No, but I am a dentist. I could definitely fix that crossbite." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 671

You deserved it 3 524

By Anonymous - 06/05/2009 00:27 - Canada

Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 598

You deserved it 51 134

Bad start

By Anonymous - 04/08/2014 23:04 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out the hard way that no good girlfriend-boyfriend conversation ever started with, "Suppose I slept with your best friend…" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 299

You deserved it 9 196

Pranked, level 2000

By Poopyhead - 08/11/2009 19:14 - Ireland

Today, I was at a petting zoo with my boyfriend. A guy that worked there said he'd take a picture of me with a mouse on my head. He reassured me that this mouse was trained. I agreed. Once the mouse got on my head, it peed. Turns out the guy didn't work there after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 764

You deserved it 15 749

Thanks for your help

By cootiequeen - 01/06/2014 04:13 - United States

Today, at work, a lady approached me asking if I'd found a used cloth diaper on a table, and I told her it was probably in the trash. She said "That's okay, I can wash it." So I searched through several bags of trash, and when I couldn't find it, she said "Oh never mind! It's in my bag." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 595

You deserved it 4 609

By MumMatters - 09/09/2016 10:26 - Germany - Hamburg

Today, my babysitter told me to find a replacement, so I tried to bribe her into staying by offering her a raise. She told me that the money would be better spent on an exorcist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 169

You deserved it 4 246

By Cat vs. Dog - 28/04/2014 21:03 - United States - Laramie

Today, my escape artist of a dog got out. She not only chased someone else's cat into someone else's house, but promptly defecated all over their living room floor out of excitement. That's one way to meet the new neighbors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 210

You deserved it 5 075

By can't sleep - 18/03/2014 08:36 - United States - Crown Point

Today, my mother taught my 98-year-old great-uncle to knock on the wall if he needs us. He can't remember who we are, but every hour he can remember to knock to ask, "Is it breakfast yet?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 833

You deserved it 4 151

Thanks, I guess

By joAnne - 03/03/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, I went to visit my fiancé's dying grandmother in the hospital with him. She started talking to us about living each day to the fullest. His grandmother points to me and says, "Life is short. That's why you don't waste any time screwing girls who look like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 827

You deserved it 4 182

By Shuttie - 18/01/2013 12:55 - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was walking towards a party where I knew my cheating ex would be. I passionately rehearsed how I would have a go at him big time when I met him. Guess who was walking right behind me and heard it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 599

You deserved it 43 643

By Anonymous - 24/04/2015 16:27 - United States - San Jose

Today, I complimented a player in a game who protected my ass the whole match. As a joke, I told them to marry me. Turned out the person was a horny 40-something lesbian stalker who spent the next 5 hours sending me pictures and trying to find out where I live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 325

You deserved it 6 273

Sax appeal

By blackcarnation - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - South Windsor

Today, my brother got a new saxophone. He thought a good way to break it in was to play it in my ear. Loudly. While I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 402

You deserved it 3 837

By Anonymous - 14/03/2015 16:11 - United States - Janesville

Today, my instructor turned up late to get me for my driving test. I soon realized something was seriously wrong. Turned out his wife left him last night, and he'd been drinking the pain away all morning. He ended up rear-ending another car, and now I have to reschedule my test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 478

You deserved it 2 635

By Whatever479 - 17/02/2011 17:29 - Ireland

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend asking if I'd Skype with him. Thinking he'd find my tousled bed hair and big t-shirt sexy, I went on. The first thing he noticed was the massive booger on my face that stretched from my nose to the other side of my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 743

You deserved it 37 740

By bregaja - 25/02/2016 18:59 - United States - Brandon

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his mom for the very first time. After shaking my hand and looking me up and down, she loudly proclaimed, "She doesn't have the right hips to have kids." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 871

You deserved it 1 627

By ToiletTroubles - 03/07/2013 16:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking some clothes downstairs to wash, when my mum stopped me. She accused me of sleeping around and trying to hide something, since she did the washing yesterday. She made me admit in front of the whole family that I'd been "surprised" by a case of diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 141

You deserved it 3 136

By Project-Mayhem - 02/12/2009 10:57 - United States

Today, my family went to the Christmas tree farm, and cut down the perfect tree. When we got home we put the kids down for a nap and took some time to relax. We went out to the truck to bring the tree into the house, it was gone. Someone stole my Christmas tree from my driveway in broad daylight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 508

You deserved it 5 846

By Anonymous - 08/08/2014 19:34 - United States

Today, I realized that my dog, who's 11, eats his own shit, and chews bones like crazy still has 10 times nicer teeth than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 463

You deserved it 8 387

By anonymous - 16/10/2010 15:18 - Canada

Today, I was walking to school. I started running to catch up with my friend. I yelled her name, and she turned around in time to watch me slip on a sheet of ice, fall face first, and pass out. When she ran to my side, I unconsciously peed on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 404

You deserved it 4 315

By bet a woman would've been thanked - 07/05/2013 20:21 - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, I was out jogging, when I saw a girl fall off her bike and start crying. I ran over to see if she was hurt. Apparently her neighbour thought I was trying to kidnap her, because he ran out with a baseball bat and threatened to beat me to death if I didn't get lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 148

You deserved it 3 120

By Username - 07/07/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, I was scheduled for an interview at 3 o'clock. I allowed thirty minutes for the drive, but when I put my key in the ignition, the car wouldn't start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 524

You deserved it 4 454

By ohdear. - 29/03/2014 23:07 - United Kingdom - London

Today, while searching a woman for contraband as part of my job, she kept making sexual noises throughout. After I finished, she hugged me and went on her way. I really need a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 009

You deserved it 4 756

SEXY!

By Anonymous - 20/03/2014 02:43 - United States - Canyon

Today, my boyfriend decided it was time to spice up our sex life. He now watches Sons Of Anarchy when we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 266

You deserved it 6 996

By Disappointed - 19/02/2014 21:33 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, after 10 months of hard work, it was the opening night of the show I was directing. Everybody loved it, except my mother. She called it the worst thing she'd ever seen. Thanks for the support, mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 009

You deserved it 3 429

Bratz

By Anonymous - 15/06/2016 15:07 - United States

Today, my bratty sister shoved me overboard during a boat ride. Not ten seconds after being pulled back on board, I got an earful of abuse from my parents. My sister is the family favorite and they refuse to believe that I didn't "provoke" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 859

You deserved it 921

By comfort_ - 27/03/2015 03:28 - United States - Dalton

Today, I managed to take an entire shower without realizing my socks were on. I washed my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 574

You deserved it 10 207

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The Top

Today, my husband threw up on me during our wedding vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 063

You deserved it 4 587

Today, I got my lip pierced. By the orthodontist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 328

You deserved it 3 243

Today, the guy I have been in love with for years decided to tell me all about his women problems and how he can't find someone. After telling him I loved him he responds, "do you know if anyone else does?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 241

You deserved it 4 060

Today, after going to college for 5 years to become an architect I discover my plumber makes more than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 361

You deserved it 3 804

He's trying so hard. Bless his heart.

I agree, your life sucks 399

You deserved it 256

Today, my self-described "genius" cousin came to the conclusion that cooking the turkey in the oven for 8 hours would take too long, so he doubled the temperature to have it done in half the time. The fire department had to come to put out the fireball that was once my butterball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 087

You deserved it 257