Health: Today, I almost died. How? I nearly suffocated after passing... - FML

By Anonymous - 29/01/2013 04:23 - United States - Lafayette Hill

Today, I almost died. How? I nearly suffocated after passing out while chewing an entire pack of gum. I should really drink less. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 576

You deserved it 46 189

Taking stock

Dysfunctional

Walk on the wild side

By Anonymous - 17/04/2016 11:52 - United States - Walbridge

Today, my mom finally noticed the joke file I have on my PC desktop called "bigcocklovespussy.jpg". It's just a cute picture of a chicken snuggling with a cat. She didn't actually open the file and just deleted it. She won't believe my explanation and grounded me for a month for "looking at porn". FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 417

You deserved it 7 622

False accusation

By Missa - 04/07/2009 03:04 - Canada

Today, one of our store's beach balls came out of nowhere and whacked me in the back of my head. I started reaming out two young girls for playing in the store, even when they said it wasn't them. Soon after, one of my employees admitted that it was her. I made some 7-year-olds cry and it wasn't them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 400

You deserved it 56 340

Bored

By Anonymous - 17/12/2020 22:58 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, my alcoholic dad finally came to see to my last dance recital after years of never showing up to watch me. He got kicked out of the audience for snoring too loud. I could hear him from the stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 054

You deserved it 50

By Deadcat101 - 10/07/2012 23:26 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my unemployed mother decided to yet again stay home and drink heavily. So far she's kicked me out of the house, tipped over our sofa and thrown her vibrator out the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 972

You deserved it 1 924

By wtf - 08/03/2012 09:03 - United States

Today, I was jamming out and playing some air guitar. I somehow managed to knee myself directly in my left eye socket. I now have a hideously swollen face and a black eye. When people ask me what happened, I'll be hesitant to tell the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 806

You deserved it 24 451

By BrokenHearted - 04/07/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years who had taken a job in a new city last month came into town and told me that she had slept with a co-worker last Friday. Last Friday I was incredibly lonely but I turned down a very attractive woman because I didn't want to hurt my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 812

You deserved it 5 800

By Spanishredhead - 03/10/2009 10:31 - United States

Today, I checked in a group of men from Mexico. I speak just enough Spanish to realize they're discussing my breasts. I have to stand there smiling while checking in three more people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 068

You deserved it 3 873

Oh, hai Mark!

By Anonymous - 26/09/2021 10:59

Spicy

Today, my kids did not tell me the AC guy was here. I got up and went to the restroom in my bra and underwear, and the AC guy was standing in the bathroom. Our AC unit is downstairs, so both me and the AC guy were shocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 872

You deserved it 141

Keep it down

By Anonymous - 06/02/2011 05:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I reached climax. While I was screaming, my 4 year-old son came in with his water gun because he thought I was in trouble. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 131

You deserved it 59 671

Goddamn mayo

By Jay703 - 03/08/2016 02:21 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, while taking out a jar of mayonnaise, it slipped from my hand, landing on its lid, exploding, and covering both of my dogs from head to tail in it. Terrified, they fled, leaving a trail of globs of mayo. After cleaning both dogs and the house, they both threw up from eating too much mayonnaise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 535

You deserved it 1 283

Dog people

By peta eata - 02/08/2021 13:01 - United States

Today, a crazed woman started screaming at me at the dog park. She was saying that I was cruel and unfit to be a pet owner, and she ought to kick my ass. My dog's ears and tail were cropped before I even got him. He’s a rescue and came to me like this. She wouldn’t listen and followed me to my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 046

You deserved it 45

By Anonymous - 16/05/2013 04:39 - United States - Cleveland

Today, at the supermarket, a man collapsed. I gave CPR while the cashier called for help. During this, the other patrons were complaining that no other register was open. Once the ambulance arrived, I returned to my cart to find items removed and 40 dollars taken from my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 484

You deserved it 4 047

The appearance

By Anonymous - 07/11/2019 10:15 - Australia - Hornsby

Today, I find why my long term boyfriend has not been interested in sex for the last 3 months. It’s because I’m fat. While I could probably lose a few, I am not obese and I am the one that has lead healthy eating and exercise in our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 865

You deserved it 346

By suspended - 25/07/2015 00:59 - United States - Englewood

Today, I had to call a coworker to the office via the store intercom. The damn thing didn't turn off properly and everyone heard me say "I hate that asshole. Just be where your dumb ass should be." I realized my mistake a few seconds before my manager stormed in and threatened to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 154

You deserved it 26 803

By Anonymous - 30/05/2016 16:35 - United States - Houston

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 524

You deserved it 3 762

By sleepy - 23/05/2011 04:57 - United States

Today, as I was standing in the checkout line in a store, my six year old daughter proudly announced to everyone that I fell asleep on the toilet last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 814

You deserved it 8 328

By dream1334 - 02/06/2012 23:28 - United States - East Rockaway

Today, I was at a wedding. After videotaping the ceremony for a few minutes, my memory was full. I went to delete another video. I accidentally played the loudest video I had. No one was looking at the bride or groom anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 130

You deserved it 9 642

By greeter - 18/10/2016 06:49 - Canada - Willow Grove

Today, my class had a very important meeting about workplace safety. I thought I led some of my classmates to the meeting very well, until they informed me that I accidentally ran a red light on the way there. They brought this infraction up during the class every chance they got. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 031

You deserved it 3 355

Remember socialising?

By Anonymous - 23/04/2020 23:00

Today, because of this fucking virus I was really excited to actually talk to another person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 142

You deserved it 258

By thisisstupid_17 - 16/11/2016 14:47

Today, I met up with my boyfriend early before work to have some "fun time". We hadn't had sex in a while and decided to try it doggy style, up against the wall. We had been doing it for about 15 minutes until he abruptly stopped and said, "I don't know if it's in." It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 653

You deserved it 1 322

By Anonymous - 16/07/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, I took my road test. I'd never had driver's training and my mom taught me how to drive. I failed the test so badly, and when I got home my mom admitted to having taught me how to drive completely wrong because she didn't want me to get my license as she thinks I'm too young. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 784

You deserved it 4 533

A bug, not a feature

By is. - 08/04/2021 00:30

Today, I discovered that it is not, in fact, normal for ones hands to randomly stop working sometimes. I thought I was just clumsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 882

You deserved it 75

By News to Me - 21/10/2018 15:30

Today, I went to switch my phone number to a new carrier. During the credit check, I was told that I couldn't because I already had an active account. This came as a surprise, as I've never had an account with that carrier. Time to file a fraud claim. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 194

You deserved it 155

By brizzle - 05/04/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, my parents came home after being out of town for the weekend. I stayed home, did homework and completely cleaned the house, thinking I could earn some brownie points with them. They saw how clean the house was and accused me of covering up a party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 338

You deserved it 6 336

By Anonymous - 16/02/2016 14:56 - Netherlands

Today, a guy I blocked online for sending me creepy messages showed up at my house. I have no idea how he found my address, or even my real name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 838

You deserved it 1 715

By anonymous - 18/03/2013 09:17 - United States - Torrance

Today, I was over at a friend's house feeding her cats while she was on vacation. After feeding the four of them, I found an extra cat under the sofa. Thinking it was an intruding stray, I kicked it out. She actually has 5 cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 809

You deserved it 57 184

By foreverAlone - 04/04/2016 19:40 - United States - Chesapeake Beach

Today, I met a cute girl. She seemed really sweet and I was heartbroken to find out that she had fallen on hard times and was living in a shelter. I asked her if I could take her out to lunch. She said, "No." I can't even get a date with a homeless girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 322

You deserved it 5 187

By Seriously_Scaredy_Cat - 27/11/2013 07:08 - United States

Today, I was taking some clean bedsheets down from the top of the wardrobe. As I pulled the top sheet down, a cat jumped onto my face, claws and all, before falling to the floor and running away. Thing is, I don't own a cat and I have no idea where in the house it has hidden now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 764

You deserved it 3 071

By Anonymous - 15/04/2013 02:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend chooses extra shifts at work over hanging out with me. Every time. She doesn't even like her job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 347

You deserved it 6 223

By bad_luck - 31/12/2010 15:51 - United States

Today, my boss sent me home from work because she saw me not checking under my customer's cart to see if they had any hidden groceries. I didn't check because the customer threatened to "kick my ass" if I "accused him of stealing" by checking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 252

You deserved it 8 451

By Tiber46 - 26/05/2013 08:33 - United States - Long Beach

Today, the vet sent me an email wishing my kitten a happy 2nd birthday. My cat died last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 513

You deserved it 4 168

By annoyedgf - 11/07/2015 12:44

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend standing at the end of the bed staring at a large wet spot. Boy do I know how to pick 'em! FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 924

You deserved it 3 358

First impressions

By wiseoldone - 03/02/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I'm going to an event where I will be meeting quite a few people who will be excellent contacts in my future career. Since I wanted to make a good impression, I did the whole makeup and grooming thing before setting out. I accidentally removed about half my left eyebrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 007

You deserved it 8 179

By Anonymous - 09/08/2016 00:04

Spicy

Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 805

You deserved it 1 313

By hes - 15/10/2013 10:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, I called my dad to let him know some details for my wedding had changed. It would have been really nice if he had paused the porno I could clearly hear in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 272

You deserved it 4 374

Wigging out

By Stacey Halvorson - 19/07/2021 04:01

Today, I was riding my bike on a sunny but windy afternoon. Coming up to an intersection, the wind switched directions and my wig blew off and landed in the middle of the road. At this point, I was almost at the other side but I had to turn around and grab my hair before the light turned green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 828

You deserved it 269

By megean c.l. - 20/01/2013 21:36 - United States

Today, my dad was making drinks for my mom and himself, so I asked him to make me some coffee too. When he brought me my drink, I took a sip, and realized he'd poured salt in it. As I gagged, he muttered, "Next time, make it yourself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 751

You deserved it 7 991

By Anonymous - 04/05/2015 23:08 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by taking his new car to the automatic car wash. As soon as the water started, I realized that I forgot to close the sunroof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 434

You deserved it 28 443

By omgstfuplz - 16/09/2009 08:38 - United States

Today, I was arguing with one of my professors. She said that all married couples fight and I told her that my parents have never argued or fought about anything. When I got home my parents told me that they're getting a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 939

You deserved it 13 411

By ohboy - 06/03/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I was supposed to see an apartment. 30 minutes after I was to meet the owner, she still hadn't shown. I called her. When I got no response, I was annoyed and kept calling. Finally, she answered, said, "I'm in the hospital with my father. He just died. Please stop calling me," and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 976

You deserved it 21 409

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:16

Well, at least drunken you doesn't burn down orphanages or anything... just, you know, chews gum.

SexySlayer1248 18

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:17

Darwinism gives you the first one free

Comments

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:16

Were you eating those delicious dessert gums? :)

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:17

What a gum idea.

Puffytruffles 18

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 10:25

You left me breathless.

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Monday 11 November 2013 8:15

happens to the best of us

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:16

Well, at least drunken you doesn't burn down orphanages or anything... just, you know, chews gum.

StalkerChick 13

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:35

Yea, deadly amount of gum. Way to go OP, you cheated death!

senor_awesome 14

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:36

Let's hope this near death experience and this comment don't give OP any ideas for their next drunken escapades...

sens3sfailing 24

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 15:30

(drunk talk) I swear oceifer! those orphans was all burned when I gots here! I was trying to do mythbusters and make a bigger flame next to the orpanage to put it out! what? thats a hospital next to the oarfanage? wow...that was dark...*seeks help*

wardo 4

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 20:51

48 -Did you really think anyone would think that was funny? I hate you.

ALlamaOnFire 20

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 22:19

You're being very harsh today wardo! You can hate someone you've never ever met. Unless it's Giovanna Plowman, that girl is NASTY!

SexySlayer1248 18

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:17

Darwinism gives you the first one free

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:33

Thought that was spiderman? "Everybody gets one"

SexySlayer1248 18

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 18:01

I was gonna say that but not everyone gets the family guy reference

CsHx 14

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:17

Yes you really should drink less.

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:20

Thank you for stating the obvious

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:30

Don't drink and chew!

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Wednesday 30 January 2013 8:15

Or chew less gum ;)

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:17

You really shouldn't consider doing thongs like that while intoxicated. It would suck for your family to hear that you died of drinking and chewing.

Zebediabolical 39

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:23

I nearly spittaked when I read this. Mostly because I got an image in my head of a drunk eating a whole package of thongs!

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:23

Yeah, drinking and thongs can be a dangerous combo!

ElectricEffect 13

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 10:06

I agree. His footwear attire was completely inappropriate... Sandals are always a bad idea when intoxicated.

Alexweber929 14

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 10:13

I had to thumb this up just because it was a funny fuck up

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 13:40

Any non-Aussies getting confused about sandal reference in thread about thong underwear? Aussies call thongs g-strings and flip-flops thongs.

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 16:51

44- a fair bit of us 'muricans say the same.

DanielleinDC 32

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 17:11

Yeah, and for some reason, I call the shoes flip-flops and the undergarments thongs--when I'm not callnig them butt floss. YDI, OP, but I'm sure you know this.

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 18:56

Bottoms up, thongs down:)

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:18

Or get smaller pieces of gum

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:45

Sorry to burst your bubble, but I don't think OP could handle any gum while intoxicated.

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:59

It was sarcasm, don't worry about my bubble. (There's a pun there somewhere...)

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 12:55

I refuse to acknowledge it, 27.

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:18

For once I am at a loss for words... Glad you're ok though :-)

gmian 33

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 15:56

Then why comment if you're at a loss for words?

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Wednesday 30 January 2013 5:01

Obviously you didn't read where I said "glad your ok" as far as loss for words? Means I was shocked into silence.

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Wednesday 30 January 2013 19:02

then please shutup

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Thursday 31 January 2013 4:44

Sure thing #74 right after you choke on this dick. Never fails, always 1 punk who doesn't know their place. Run along now, and feel free to come back and enlighten us with those profound comments of yours....

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:18

Know your limits OP

hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml 14

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:21

I love this, because it reminds me of when I was a kid, I tried to chew full packs of gum aaaall the time! Me as a child and drunk OP would have so much fun together.

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 13:42

HIMYM game: "kid or drunk?"

MakeTodayADTR 20

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 9:23

Bazooka Joe strikes again...

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 14

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 724

You deserved it 57

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 406

You deserved it 253