Work: Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable... - FML

By Anonymous - 08/09/2013 16:38 - Switzerland - Bern

Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 919

You deserved it 3 577

The smell detective is on the case

Mother of the year

Own it

By anonymous - 14/09/2011 00:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 781

You deserved it 4 490

Miscommunication

By xoxo - 01/04/2020 02:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend won't talk to me because I let a giggle slip during sex and he's convinced I was laughing at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 744

You deserved it 380

By Alejandroc - 20/01/2012 01:46 - Honduras

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me with a message that I had to pay $1 to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 085

You deserved it 3 450

By Anonymous - 13/09/2017 20:00

Today, it's been two weeks since I honked, screamed, and cussed at a cyclist on the road. Since then, my car has been keyed, my tires have been slashed, bricks have been thrown at my windows, and my number has been put on Craigslist as a gay prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 416

You deserved it 5 844

By thegrandchawhee - 29/08/2015 17:13 - United States - Yakima

Today, I was scheduled to fill in at the customer service counter where I work. Today was also the day that I allegedly accused a customer of being a thief, sold her a fraudulent money order, and will be sued for defamation of character. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 979

You deserved it 1 789

By crazy_mom - 01/11/2010 15:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 531

You deserved it 4 334

Bambi 2: Electric Boogaloo

By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 02:03

Today, I came downstairs to find that our dog's six puppies, who have their own puppy-door to go outside whenever they want, had peed and pooped all over the floor, walked through the pee, and were now happily chewing on a half-rotten deer's head which they had dragged inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 846

You deserved it 268

Trust

By Anonymous - 14/07/2021 11:01

Spicy

Today, I found out from some guy that he and my wife had been having an affair for over year. She confessed to everything, and said they had already broken it off. She also admitted that she would've never mentioned it to me if I'd never found out on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 160

You deserved it 72

By kisyfrot - 18/12/2008 03:38 - France

Today, I got fed up with my neighbor who has been coughing, night and day, for six months. I rang at her door to tell her about several remedies I know of to help, so I could sleep. I thus found out she has lung cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 255

You deserved it 27 043

By Anonymous - 03/02/2013 07:14 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, after having lost my phone three days ago, I paid a $150 non-refundable fee to have my phone replaced and mailed to me by Tuesday. A half hour later, I found my original phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 386

You deserved it 16 068

By kezbabes - 03/05/2014 18:15 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I was driving my grandpa to the store because his car is in the shop. I was well within the speed limit, but he kept yelling at me for "speeding", then accused me of trying to give him a heart attack, and eventually pulled the e-brake, getting us rear-ended. He refuses to apologise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 018

You deserved it 3 900

By Anonymous - 01/01/2013 07:50 - Australia - Sydney

Today, during the countdown to midnight, I looked for my girlfriend so I could kiss her as 2013 began. I found her just in time to see her making out with some guy she swore was "only a friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 875

You deserved it 3 583

Cemetery Gates

By KateHGW - 09/06/2021 00:01

Today, I handed in an internship assignment that I have been working on for months. Once submitted, a pop-up showed, stating the assignment was 100% plagiarized. What was it plagiarized from? A student paper. My own, to be more specific - the exact same paper I had uploaded seconds before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 103

You deserved it 58

By levi69 - 18/05/2011 16:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 436

You deserved it 4 703

By Some Girl - 08/01/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. Right when I arrived, his little sister said, "She's a lot fatter than you said!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 129

You deserved it 4 937

By antisocial - 12/08/2010 08:07 - Canada

Today, I told my parents that I wasn't feeling very social and up for company. How do they try to make me feel better? By inviting a whole bunch of people I don't know to a pool party at my house. They said I should face my fears. I'm now in my room, hiding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 909

You deserved it 9 121

By Failure - 09/11/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, I was taking a final test online that would account for 65% of my final grade. I had worked extremely hard in that class. I had one submission for the test. My roommate thought it would be funny to click the "Submit All" Button while i was getting a glass of water. I got a 13%. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 008

You deserved it 3 463

Class Wars - UK Edition

By Anonymous - 19/06/2020 14:01

Today, my wife blames me for our son having a “posh” accent, because she thinks he’ll be bullied at school. I’m a Yorkshireman and use “ey up”, “ow do” , “pillock” and “arse” in everyday conversation, whereas my wife was raised in Oxford, I doubt I’m the one making our son sound posh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 577

You deserved it 219

By onlyslightly - 30/11/2012 08:33 - United States

Today, my cat peed on my bra. I didn't realize this until after I arrived at work for my 12-hour shift. Now I'm trying to wash my bra out in the sink and stuff paper towels down it to soak up the moisture. Only 10 more hours to go, and the smell of cat pee is still lingering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 794

You deserved it 4 791

By buggingout - 26/07/2011 10:33 - United States

Today, it's the first day of my Hawaiian honeymoon. We found out that the pool is under construction and our room is infested with roaches. We are paying $375 a night for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 067

You deserved it 4 488

By Anonymous - 20/09/2011 10:39 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I realized just how much my bad sex life has started affecting me, when after not being able to climax from masturbating, I instinctively faked an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 633

You deserved it 9 112

By Anonymous - 10/04/2009 01:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was reminded that I used by dad's camera all summer to take naked pictures for boyfriend when my dad sent me an email saying: "FYI: when you delete pictures directly off the camera they get uploaded as trash files when the camera is connected to the computer." He saw them all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 019

You deserved it 85 104

Great balls of fire

By Ouch - 19/01/2017 08:19

Today, my hand is covered in blisters because my boyfriend thought it would be fun to set an old insurance card on fire. Out of panic, he slapped the card against the wall in a failed attempt to put it out. Also out of panic, I slapped the flaming wall with my bare hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 923

You deserved it 1 987

By bigcityfail - 07/05/2011 11:54 - United States

Today, I learned that my apartment building has two new tenants: my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé, the guy she cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 733

You deserved it 3 284

By Sarah - 26/01/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, my mom barged into my room at three in the morning, demanding to know where I'd been. I'd been in my room sleeping since ten o'clock. In that time she had called the police, all of my friends, and my ex-boyfriend, asking if I was with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 189

You deserved it 2 460

By Anonymous - 01/05/2011 05:50 - United States

Today, I wanted to take my girlfriend to a nice dinner before prom. Her parents followed her in, and joined us to "keep an eye on me." They interrupted all our conversations, ate an expensive meal, then got up and walked out when the waitress brought the $95 check, leaving me to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 629

You deserved it 4 452

Ignored

By Kim - 05/05/2021 04:01

Today, at work, I was waiting in line to pay my food at the cafeteria when I noticed the doctor who was in front of me had these really cool looking shoes on. I told him, "I like your shoes!" He turned over, looked at me and didn’t say anything back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 117

By unwanted - 26/11/2014 18:13 - Canada - Dollard-des-ormeaux

Today, I drove over an hour to my grandma's house for her birthday party. When she answered the door, her eyes went wide and she said angrily "No, not you!" and slammed the door shut in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 547

You deserved it 2 912

By WellThere'sThat - 26/11/2017 15:00

Today, I got a big math test back. Good news: I can connect abstract ideas beyond what was taught. Bad news: I can’t do simple math, such as 30/-5. I failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 957

You deserved it 805

By Anonymous - 19/01/2015 23:58

Today, while on my driving test, the guy told me to pull over and do a U-turn. A few minutes later, he asked me to do another one. After the test, he said I'd failed because the second U-turn was illegal, and I should have refused to comply. I didn't know they're even allowed do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 008

You deserved it 5 507

Gentrification strikes!

By Anonymous - 05/03/2020 06:01

Spicy

Today, I actually can't choose what's worse, hearing my direct neighbour having really loud sex on a regular basis, including furniture breaking, or hearing people cheering and playing the piano in the same room. Upper-class fantasy? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 313

You deserved it 220

By smalltownkid - 01/03/2015 23:22 - United States - Houston

Today, I moved to a big city, alone, from a small town. After convincing myself it wasn't that scary, I hailed my first cab. The driver spent the 30 minute ride from the airport telling me about how "sometimes, you just gotta shoot a guy" because if they steal your shoes, they deserve it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 385

You deserved it 2 958

By Anonymous - 08/11/2010 18:16 - France

Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 740

You deserved it 15 712

Get me out of here

By Anonymous - 30/06/2021 20:01 - Canada

Today, I work at a super toxic workplace, where the owner/boss takes part in some rude/bullying behavior and does nothing when I'm being bullied by coworkers. As a matter of fact, he takes their side. I have been looking for a new job in what I do, but haven't had any luck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 884

You deserved it 73

By Anonymous - 16/08/2012 06:33 - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I had any plans to go out tonight. To divert attention, I pretended to be angry and accused her of prying into my social life. Actually, I have no social life and nobody to go out with. My only "big plans" were to finish my Sudoku book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 120

You deserved it 24 115

By Julianapilikusplatosophophes - 11/07/2015 03:49 - Australia - Kew

Today, at 3 in the morning, I was getting out of bed to use the bathroom, when my boyfriend grabbed my arm, looked at me wide-eyed and begged, "Don't... They'll take your skin..." He doesn't remember saying it, and now I'm scared shitless to use the bathroom at night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 818

You deserved it 2 825

By Anonymous - 06/08/2013 15:19 - United States - Decatur

Today, my daughter, who was born in late 2000, mentioned how amazing it is that she'll be alive during the year 3000. I asked her exactly how old she thinks she'll be by then. She said, "Thirty, duh." I've screwed up as a parent, so very badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 575

You deserved it 15 867

By annoyedgirl - 04/05/2013 01:30 - United States - Ephrata

Today, I was forced to work with someone I absolutely hate. I then found myself starting to like him, until he shot me in the forehead with a stapler gun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 444

You deserved it 4 719

By Elrond Hubbard - 24/01/2015 19:25 - United States

Today, I drove my dad to Walmart to do some shopping. His leg is still in a cast after an accident, so I helped him to the last mobility scooter. A guy whose only disability was clearly Fat-Fuck Syndrome then yelled at us, claiming he needed it more and that my dad was a faker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 965

You deserved it 2 594

By Tytonic - 02/02/2016 22:25 - United States - Washington

Today, I took a few Advil. They weren't Advil. My dad mixed the containers and I have no idea what I just took. FML

I agree, your life sucks 600

You deserved it 49

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Top comments

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:02

I get calls from assholes all the time, though...(I work in retail)

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:02

Hey, he was just trying to make contact with Uranus. Or Hisanus, rather.

Comments

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:02

Hey, he was just trying to make contact with Uranus. Or Hisanus, rather.

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:05

I bet it was a Galaxy s4

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:20

Lets just pray it wasn't the new Note III

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Monday 9 September 2013 4:26

What in the actual...

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Monday 9 September 2013 4:32

you mean the waterproof s4 active. ..

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Monday 9 September 2013 4:37

Or the galaxy mega O_O

iamtheinsomniac 11

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Monday 9 September 2013 4:53

Yes it probably was an android. All they're good for are puns, it seems.

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Monday 9 September 2013 6:29

Woah, woah, #89. Stop alienating people.

scooterdude720 19

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Monday 9 September 2013 7:41

Hopefully for him, it was a Juke (if you guys even remember that phone)

cmayer 20

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Monday 9 September 2013 8:19

That little pack of gum looking thing #130?

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Monday 9 September 2013 21:10

I actually had that phone(: hahaha everyone was afraid of me because they thought it was a pocket knife lol #130

tjv3 10

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 1:52

Maybe he want to butt dial someone?

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 8:58

OK, that's an awfully extreme butt dial but to each their own, hope he didn't get changed roaming for that call though ×_×

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 9:02

wow, I haven't heard about jukes in forever. can you picture it had he done this with a Nokia... oh my god..

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:02

I get calls from assholes all the time, though...(I work in retail)

ThatFancyPenn 18

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Monday 9 September 2013 5:02

Gee I wish there was a button for that #88...

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Monday 9 September 2013 6:20

Gee, I wish there was a less generic comment for that.

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Monday 9 September 2013 6:40

91, please point me to this "that was funny" button. I don't know if it's just this droid app, but I can't find it. :-P

PrimeStarscream 30

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Monday 9 September 2013 9:31

I think I broke something when I laughed.

piedpiper303 29

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:03

How does one get the bright idea to shove one up there?

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:25

He didn't have any pockets?

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:36

Maybe the vibrate mode was too tempting for him to resist?

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:50

He watched Jackass and saw a guy shove a car in a condom up his ass.He decided to take it as a challenge and chose that poor phone.

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:55

Someone asked him if he'd drive better with that phone up his ass and he took it to heart?

Ray_of_midnight 22

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Monday 9 September 2013 4:27

It's a common way of smuggling phones into prison.

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Monday 9 September 2013 5:04

I think that man would be even more butt hurt if he heard your comment!

KK3137 31

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Monday 9 September 2013 7:00

My question is more what he was planning to do woth it after he had stuck it up there. I mean, was he just going to pull it out again once satisfied and go about his daily usage of it, knowing it had been in his anus?

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Monday 9 September 2013 8:12

He didn't shove it up there! He fell on it, of course.

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Friday 6 November 2015 6:41

Perhaps he's not straight? Orrrr his girlfriend shoved a phone up his ass.. Perhaps this was a kinky mess up.

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:05

I hope it wasn't a HTC Titan ..

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:06

Docbastard?

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:07

Ah, beat me to it!

klovemachine 24

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:18

I don't think Doc would post this anonymously. he would write about it in his blog

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:40

I also have never been to Switzerland. Or have I?

ALyte 15

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Monday 9 September 2013 6:15

You sly sucker.... So good at not slipping where you are from!

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:06

That vibrate mode...it's dangerous.

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:11

Gotta live on the wild side for thrillfull pleasures though, right doc?

ptoka 20

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:41

Doc, which is worse a vibrating phone or the coke bottle? At least the phone is more easily removed (depending on how far up the phone traveled).

GoodLookingGeese 10

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Monday 9 September 2013 6:45

Let's find it out on you 55 ;)

JaegerMayCry 13

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Monday 9 September 2013 23:23

oh God no D:

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:06

DocBastard, is that you?

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Monday 9 September 2013 8:15

Love that he left the comment after you.

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:06

That mental image is so disturbing

iamtheinsomniac 11

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Monday 9 September 2013 4:56

........Why would you try to think of a mental image?

lolita88_fml 27

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:06

Sounds like a....shitty situation.....

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:27

Don't we ever learn?!

VeganVampyre 26

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Monday 9 September 2013 4:05

No, no we do not.

lolita88_fml 27

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Monday 9 September 2013 7:17

Nope xD WORTH IT.

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Monday 9 September 2013 18:03

Wow, either your profile it's lying, out you're the only person I know older than 15 that said XD.

thatdangmexican 18

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Monday 9 September 2013 3:06

He was probably butt-dialing.

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Monday 9 September 2013 4:34

Or bootycalling

OnlyAvailableID 28

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Monday 9 September 2013 6:29

I just hope he isn't talking tongue-in-cheek.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 955

You deserved it 128

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 232

You deserved it 298