Today, my family and I were decorating the Christmas tree. It... - FML

By wjones - United States

Today, my family and I were decorating the Christmas tree. It seemed a bit unstable, but we decorated it without any problems. Later, while my daughter sat by the tree, it began to fall. Her grandmother stopped the tree from hitting her. I, on the other hand, screamed like a little girl. I'm a 38 year old guy. FML

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Commando

Messed up

Deadbeat

By padre74 - United States - Jackson

Today, after creating a swear jar for my son, I came back to find a $20 bill in it and him saying, "How much does that buy?" FML

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By intranator - Jordan

Today, I waited in line to get into a club with my girlfriend, the bouncer only let her in, she told me to call her if I needed anything and left me. We were supposed to celebrate my birthday. FML

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By MarMar - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met and in the middle of it his mother called him. After stopping to answer the phone, he tried to put me on with her because she didn't believe anyone would actually sleep with him. FML

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By Bacular - United Kingdom

Today, I started a new job, it was going well until I was asked to stand up and be introduced to a company director. I had a hard on. FML

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By howsthisforaname - United Kingdom - Kingston Upon Hull

Today, after my old downstairs neighbor, who would come upstairs to bang on my door and yell at me every time she heard a sound from me at all times of the day, had finally moved out, it became clear that my new downstairs neighbor gets drunk and yells at the TV in the early hours of the morning. FML

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By timiscuous - 20/4/2020 20:00 - New Zealand

Thousand-yard stare

Today, I met my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad killed and skinned a goat in front of me, while staring at me the whole time. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, after a small fight with my girlfriend, I started to miss her, so I typed her name into Google on a whim. Surprisingly, I find a link to a blog in which the owner describes his ongoing effort to seduce my girl. During times she told me she was alone. Thanks babe. FML

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By ZittyMii - United States

Today, a friend of mine had a Wii party and made everyone into Miis. My Mii had freckles. I don't have freckles. When I commented on it, she said, "Well, there isn't a zit feature." FML

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By Lauren - United Kingdom

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my family. It was going well until my 23 year old sister started telling him in detail about her constipation and that if she doesn't take a shit in a few days, it's going to come out of her mouth. FML

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By FML1994 - United States

Today, my family was discussing the new rules of the house we are moving in. They told my sister she couldn't have any boys in her room. They didn't tell me I couldn't have any girls in my room. Even my parents think I can't get a girlfriend. FML

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By Tom Riddle - Philippines

Today, I was about to go out and get some groceries, but the moment I slammed the door I realized my keys were still inside. My inner caveman instincts told me to immediately break down the door, so now I have to get a doorknob replacement instead of food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend starts fights with me over text because apparently, when I'm arguing with someone, I stop speaking in "annoying shorthand" and am grammatically correct. FML

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By Anonymous

Look-alikes

Today, the guy I really like told me that I look exactly like Kathy Bates. I'm only 30. FML

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By stillfuckingcrying - Sweden - Kristdala

Today, my boyfriend made me play Slender. I was so terrified, I stopped playing 10 minutes in. Tonight, I kept hearing noises outside. When I peered out through the window, a bald figure in a suit was staring back at me. I shrieked in absolute terror; he burst out laughing. It was my boyfriend. FML

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By shithole - United States

Today, my dad and I found in my house a water filter that has not been changed in over 20 years. We have been drinking that water that has been going through a filter that had more colors than a rainbow on it. FML

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By zerom - France

Today, I was discussing the traffic with my brother. He said the most common car colour is red. I said it was black. We ended up betting €100 on which three vehicles of either colour would pass by our house first. It seems a convoy of fire trucks had somewhere to be in a hurry. FML

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By uhoh901 - United States

Today, I just had a phone interview with a college. The lady asked me to spell out my password to a site so she can access my test scores. The password was "dick." FML

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By Snickers - United States - Los Angeles

Today, while sitting at a red light, I guiltily nibbled on a chocolate bar and looked around to make sure no one saw me cheating on my diet. A police car pulled up, I panicked, stepped on the gas, and ran the light. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work while on the toilet, somebody came into the stall next to me and gave a loud play by play of every fart, plop, and grunt. He then asked loudly who I was and when I didn't answer put his head under the stall to look at me. FML

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By hnickell93 - United States - Visalia

Today, I realized that sex with my husband has gotten so boring that I'd rather fake an orgasm than let him continue. FML

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By PartyPooper - Netherlands

Today, I attended my graduation ceremony. My parents acted mysteriously and kept urging me to go home, since we had to be "on time" for something. Thinking they might have planned a surprise party, I left my friends behind. I missed my graduation because my mom wanted to watch a TV show. FML

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By HopelessGRLF

Today, I was talking to a guy I met on a dating site, and he asked if we could meet up and what we should do. When I suggested ice-skating he told me he was in a wheelchair, so I said we could go for a walk instead. I realised my mistake the moment I sent the message. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, while at the dinner table, my grandmother told me she backed over a cat. FML

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By Stepheroni

Today, I went to the doctor to ask what the weird white lump was on my back, and if it was cancer. He told me it was the biggest pimple he'd ever seen. FML

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By firelava - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I waited two hours in line at college to select my classes. I finally got to the desk, only to be told I have to apply online before I can show up in person. FML

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By ideserveit - Finland

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend after a fight. I told him the reason I was so irritable is because I'm on my period. He yelped in disgust and nearly fell out of bed. Good to know I'm dating a man-child. FML

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By spoony - Australia

Today, while on a date with the guy of my dreams, I cut my tongue so bad it bled for an hour. I managed to cut it on the plastic spoon from my coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Concord

Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband misheard me when I said I wanted a massage with sensual oils. He used essential oils instead. Essential oils are not meant to be used on the skin, trust me. My skin looks like a cross between sandpaper and pus-filled bubble wrap. FML

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By cowgirl - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, my friends and I held an intervention for my fiancé. He's been talking and behaving like an "old-timey cowboy" non-stop for the last three months. Our wedding is in a month and he refuses to marry me if I can't accept his "life choices." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 20:00

That escalated quickly

Today, I chipped my front tooth trying to pick up my cat. FML

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By Ralph - United States - Candler

Today, I learned that my roommate doesn't actually know a damn thing about cooking. I'm suffering the effects of him telling me that chicken is best eaten medium-rare. FML

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By badtimingdude - Mauritius

Today, I lost a bet with my girlfriend. I now have to wear a shirt saying "Worlds Smallest Penis" everywhere I go for a month. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I accidentally covfefe

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2020 14:00

The Shining

Today, I was babysitting my 4-year-old twin brothers yet again. I began to get desperate when they took my phone and would start crying every time I tried to take it back. My mother found me thirty minutes later, huddled in a corner, crying. I'm 27 years old. FML

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By brokenarm - Germany

Today, I went to the pharmacy and asked the very attractive pharmacist what to do about the terrible itching under my cast. She told me to be a man and deal with it. FML

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By sopissed - United States - Laurel

Today, I went to take my driver's test, and I did almost everything perfectly. The last thing was to back into a driveway. As I went to put my hand on the passenger seat to look over my shoulder, I got so nervous that I hit my instructor in the face. FML

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By thatsucks4u - United States

Today, I went to a tanning salon. I guess nobody mentioned that you have to lift your fat rolls or you'll end up with weird stripes where the spray never reached. FML

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By benz1369 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while stocking the green beans at work, I picked up a "leaf" which turned out to be a grasshopper. I screamed so loud, my coworkers now think I'm crazy. This is only my second week here. FML

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By ggbhghggg - United States

Today, I missed my bus. I had to ride my bike 2 miles. Once I left, some jerk nearly hit me. I flipped him off and shouted obsceneties. It was my dad, offering me a ride. He left. FML

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Top comments

By roaminginsomniac | 0

#721578 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 20:43

Sounds about right. Men usually scream like little girls.

By fishness | 0

#721586 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 20:54

Hahaha, my Christmas tree fell on me when I was 6.

COMMENTS

By icanspellgud | 0

#721512 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 20:28

kill yourself

Reply

crazytoaster | 2

#721787 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 1:43

*I'm a 38 year old bitch.

There, error fixed.

By icanspellgud | 0

#721571 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 20:31

also, FIRSTTTT!!!!1!1!1!11!1!1111over 9000

Reply

munchly | 17

#976120 - Thursday 8 April 2010 3:46

yeah I would scream too if the tree was about to fall on My son!

Reply

skullbashd | 3

#987755 - Monday 3 May 2010 2:51

I would laugh

By roaminginsomniac | 0

#721578 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 20:43

Sounds about right. Men usually scream like little girls.

Reply

MagicMeds | 0

#724634 - Thursday 17 December 2009 22:13

I only saw tree at first, so I pictured a normal sized (huge) tree and a goliath granny holding it up xD

Reply

ChibiGirl5 | 0

#2358476 - Saturday 16 April 2011 18:16

haha me too

By fishness | 0

#721586 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 20:54

Hahaha, my Christmas tree fell on me when I was 6.

Reply

myfriend_youfail | 3

#721624 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 21:42

Sadly, you're not first. Now STFU and GTFO.

Reply

TheMystery_fml | 6

#2560195 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 4:54

^^^Dumbass

By Caayouteepie | 0

#721613 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 21:34

HAHAHA this is a hilarious visual.

By shortmomma88 | 0

#721653 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 22:20

wow nikki. thats a bad ass story! for real. a little sad, but hilarious at the same time.
as for the op...some people panic when bad things happen. i'm just happy someone was there to save his itty bitty! :)

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#721743 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 1:04

I was so thinking that too! :D

By musicislife1995_fml | 0

#721658 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 0:18

you're an amazing protector of your child aren't you :)

FYL for not being man enough to stand up to a tree, that is typically dead.

By fafa123_fml | 0

#721679 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 23:26

uhm, where's the masculinity?
come on, guys like u shame all men everywhere :(

By Starfire22 | 5

#721680 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 23:26

Are you perhaps related to the guy who ran out of the bathroom screaming because of a cricket?

By lostfaithinpppl | 19

#721692 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 23:39

Are you sure you are a guy? Take a closer look, maybe there's a vagina down there after all.