Today, my family and I were decorating the Christmas tree. It... - FML

By wjones - 15/12/2009 15:06 - United States

Today, my family and I were decorating the Christmas tree. It seemed a bit unstable, but we decorated it without any problems. Later, while my daughter sat by the tree, it began to fall. Her grandmother stopped the tree from hitting her. I, on the other hand, screamed like a little girl. I'm a 38 year old guy. FML

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Great boyfriend

Ghosted

Headache

By Anonymous - 23/8/2011 02:17 - United States

Today, I had a mild allergic reaction from eating pasta salad. I told my mom that I might be allergic to the parsley, since it was the only ingredient that I don't eat often. She made me eat a sprig of it to "make sure." Now my face is covered in hives. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2016 17:17

Today, I woke up and found a turd casually sitting in the bathroom sink. Just 9 more months left on this lease. FML

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By Boo - 8/8/2019 08:01 - Australia

Today, I finally had a phone call after a week of nothing. It was my mother. It was an accident. FML

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By Unlucky - 15/11/2014 02:18 - Australia - Cairns

Today, I realized that at 20 years old I already have noticeable wrinkles around my eyes. But to balance it out, my chronic acne keeps me looking youthful. FML

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By Allison Arsenault - 7/6/2020 08:08

Cheap-ass perv!

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years thinks that it is too expensive to get married, go on vacations, concerts, etc., but spends $100+/month on Hentai. FML

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By CosmicJoke - 12/8/2009 14:20 - United States

Today, I found my car had been robbed. The thieves stole my GPS, my iPod and my digital camera. While I was filing the police report, the officer recommended I take photos for insurance purposes. Then she remembered my camera had been stolen. She actually started laughing. FML

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By epicsandwichartist - 5/5/2011 07:13 - United States

Today, while working at a sandwich shop, we had a shortage and could only put so many veggies on one sandwich. I explained this to one man who was grumpy about it, but kept on ordering. I thought everything went well. He thought my face was a good target to launch his completed sandwich at. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2013 16:56 - United States

Today, I got dragged along to a family dinner. Some idiot invited my douchebag vegan uncle, who spent half the night making condescending remarks and lecturing us on how disgusting it was to have steak on offer at the table. A fistfight eventually erupted, and the cops were called. FML

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By jessye1182 - 11/5/2012 23:16 - United States - Yaphank

Today, I was babysitting, playing hide and go seek. I tried to jump behind the armchair, but it tipped, and I hit my head into the wind chimes, ripped the curtain rod from the wall, and smashed my knee into the wall. I lay on the ground in agonizing pain as the little girl shouted, "I know where you are!" FML

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By shitless88 - 20/8/2011 00:23 - United States

Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML

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By Terminator101101 - 30/5/2013 23:06 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to go to the Apple store and log me on to Facebook on every single computer. FML

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By SoClose - 3/4/2013 16:57 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was approached by a What Not to Wear kind of show, where you get money to buy a new wardrobe. I was so excited that I fainted. They revoked the offer, reasoning that someone who faints so easily would be too much of a liability risk. FML

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By bri_sci94 - 26/9/2014 06:56 - United States - Madison

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up. He greeted me with a winning smile, a belch, and the words, "Nice tits." I'm beginning to lose hope. FML

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By jenni6488 - 22/2/2012 07:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I called the toaster a "cheeky thing" for being done before the kettle. FML

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By gs - 19/9/2011 10:16 - United States

Today, I pulled one of my favorite hoodies out of my closet, and immediately noticed several large stains on it. Apparently, my dad had managed to open a hole in the roof and couldn't be bothered to patch it, so a squirrel got in and used my closet as a litter box. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 16:19 - United Kingdom

Today, the highlight of my day was someone prank-calling me. FML

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By kj1 - 17/2/2014 18:28 - United States - Draper

Today, my boyfriend yelled at me from the other room for washing the dishes "too loudly". FML

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By overexcited - 2/2/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, I woke up in the hospital. I had apparently overworked my heart so much that I fainted. What caused it? I was playing a racing game on my Wii and freaked out when I won first place. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I made a patient really happy. I work in a long term care facility and was changing a woman's diaper. While cleaning her, I somehow managed to give her an orgasm with a warm wash cloth. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2012 05:44 - United States - Pinellas Park

Today, I was snooping around in my parents' closet to see what I would get for Christmas, when I came across a UPS package. It was the video game I ordered off eBay 3 weeks ago, addressed to me. They told me it had never arrived and said I should ask Santa to bring it to me. FML

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By KMO - 26/2/2012 04:09 - United States

Today, I decided to take a peek in my fiancé's vow book to see how far he's got. The only thing in there was the lyrics to a song from the movie Shrek. FML

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By anon - 28/7/2015 05:02 - United States - Northbrook

Today, my step-sister told me that she was getting married to her girlfriend next summer. At a big family brunch, I made a toast to their marriage. I didn't know that my step-mom didn't know they were dating in the first place, or that she was severely homophobic. FML

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By Shell - 5/3/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, I was working at Chuck-E-Cheese. If that isn't enough, I was put in the mouse costume. Due to the disgusting hot smell and atmosphere in the costume, I fainted in front of a birthday party. I awoke to a little boy screaming who then kicked me in the face and ran. FML

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By Debra2005 - 20/5/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, I adopted a dog from the local shelter. I put the dog in the car and he was shedding everywhere, but I was ok with that because he was my dog. As I pulled into the parking lot, the dog began to poop in the backseat of my car. When I got him out of the car, he ran off. $100 for him to poop and run away. FML

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By Doggotmytongue - 12/2/2013 21:50 - United States - Peoria

Today, a cute girl asked if my dog was available for a date on Valentine's Day. Thinking I was in luck, I asked if I should come along. She said no. My dog has better game than I do. FML

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By Melissa Barrios - 15/7/2019 16:00

Today, my son, who has ASD, told a woman how gigantic her butt was. While trying to remind him that some things are not nice to say, he screamed that her butt is the "giantest butt ever," like it was an accomplishment. FML

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By BlackRavenWings - 21/11/2010 22:36 - United States

Today, I noticed a picture in an elderly patients room, of a pretty girl in a bikini. Trying to be funny and lighten the mood, I said, "Looks like you have some good eye candy to help you recover faster." With a stern look he replied, "That's my granddaughter." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2016 15:14

Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML

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By hashtag67 - 5/11/2016 09:08

Today, I taught my first seminar as a teaching assistant. I prepared for hours and rehearsed and discussed it with the professor. Two students fell asleep, I said "shit" twice and I froze mid-sentence, then said, "Sorry guys, I have no idea what I'm saying." FML

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By toothpaste - 19/1/2012 12:17 - Australia

Today, a man crashed into my car. He then got out of his car, dug a toothbrush and toothpaste out of his bag, and tried to brush away the damage. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2014 23:48 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I downloaded a movie for my mom that she really likes, "When Harry Met Sally". When she loaded the file, we soon found out it was actually some kind of obscure porno billed as "When Harry Wet Sally". FML

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By abrooks88 - 8/2/2012 16:53 - United States

Today, I got denied a job. They told me I was unreliable because I didn't show up for my third interview. This is the same interview they called and cancelled this morning. FML

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By whyyyyyme - 4/8/2015 01:43 - Canada

Today, I also needed to add, "Does not currently live in a psychiatric hospital, after being declared 'Not criminally responsible for a crime'" to my list of qualities that I want in a man. FML

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By brittsters - 4/9/2015 17:46 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I went to visit my mom and my 3-month-old sister. I picked the baby up, totally unaware that she had just eaten. As I went to give her a kiss, she vomited straight into my mouth. Let's just say she wasn't the only one who puked. FML

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By dumbass - 1/10/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she lost her phone and not to call or text her. After about three hours, I text her phone, asking if she found it yet. I got a reply, saying "Nope." FML

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By lotrgeek - 13/2/2012 13:37 - Canada

Today, in the midst of having sex, my boyfriend decided that, as a joke, he would pretend to be a zombie whilst going down on me. Sadly, the thought turned me so much that I came. This was the first orgasm he's ever given me in over a year of dating. FML

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By BigPurplePresent - 28/7/2009 13:34 - South Africa

Today, I was really upset after work, and tearily asked my boyfriend to bring something over to cheer me up when he visited later. An hour or so later he arrived, having bought me a brand new large purple dildo to "brighten my mood". FML

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By fishtacos - 1/12/2014 03:32 - United States - Fontana

Today, my boyfriend bought me some feminine cleansing wipes for my birthday so I could, "get the hoo-ha spick-and-span." FML

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By Jennagirl - 12/10/2009 14:03 - Australia

Today, after spending the night at my boyfriend's house, I was heading out the door when he called me back to hand me something I had left at his house a while ago. It was one of my bras. It wasn't until I got home I noticed the cup size was a B. I'm a size D. FML

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By Willow McGarrigle - 4/6/2020 23:00

Manipulation

Today, my ex, who I only dated for 3 months, told me the only reason why he dated me was because he thought my sister was hot, and he just wanted to get closer to her. So thank you for that. FML

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Top comments

By roaminginsomniac | 0

#721578 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 20:43

Sounds about right. Men usually scream like little girls.

By fishness | 0

#721586 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 20:54

Hahaha, my Christmas tree fell on me when I was 6.

Comments

By icanspellgud | 0

#721512 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 20:28

kill yourself

Reply

crazytoaster | 2

#721787 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 1:43

*I'm a 38 year old bitch.

There, error fixed.

By icanspellgud | 0

#721571 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 20:31

also, FIRSTTTT!!!!1!1!1!11!1!1111over 9000

Reply

munchly | 17

#976120 - Thursday 8 April 2010 3:46

yeah I would scream too if the tree was about to fall on My son!

Reply

skullbashd | 3

#987755 - Monday 3 May 2010 2:51

I would laugh

By roaminginsomniac | 0

#721578 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 20:43

Sounds about right. Men usually scream like little girls.

Reply

MagicMeds | 0

#724634 - Thursday 17 December 2009 22:13

I only saw tree at first, so I pictured a normal sized (huge) tree and a goliath granny holding it up xD

Reply

ChibiGirl5 | 0

#2358476 - Saturday 16 April 2011 18:16

haha me too

By fishness | 0

#721586 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 20:54

Hahaha, my Christmas tree fell on me when I was 6.

Reply

myfriend_youfail | 3

#721624 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 21:42

Sadly, you're not first. Now STFU and GTFO.

Reply

TheMystery_fml | 6

#2560195 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 4:54

^^^Dumbass

By Caayouteepie | 0

#721613 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 21:34

HAHAHA this is a hilarious visual.

By shortmomma88 | 0

#721653 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 22:20

wow nikki. thats a bad ass story! for real. a little sad, but hilarious at the same time.
as for the op...some people panic when bad things happen. i'm just happy someone was there to save his itty bitty! :)

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#721743 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 1:04

I was so thinking that too! :D

By musicislife1995_fml | 0

#721658 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 0:18

you're an amazing protector of your child aren't you :)

FYL for not being man enough to stand up to a tree, that is typically dead.

By fafa123_fml | 0

#721679 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 23:26

uhm, where's the masculinity?
come on, guys like u shame all men everywhere :(

By Starfire22 | 5

#721680 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 23:26

Are you perhaps related to the guy who ran out of the bathroom screaming because of a cricket?

By lostfaithinpppl | 19

#721692 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 23:39

Are you sure you are a guy? Take a closer look, maybe there's a vagina down there after all.