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By Username - 03/03/2010 16:34 - France

Today, I found out exactly what Ducolax stool softener is all about. Holy colon cleanse Batman! FML

agreeclassic 8 091

vote type 1 25 222

By Bilirubin - 20/02/2010 16:22 - United States

Today, at 1am, the girl of my dreams that I've been trying for over three years to date, finally asked me out via SMS. Too bad I was asleep at the time. She now thinks I've rejected her, and will no longer speak to me. FML

agreeclassic 33 757

vote type 1 3 960

By Tanuki_paws - 26/08/2012 21:05 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I'm so broke that I got buyer's remorse after buying a $2 bottle of pancake syrup. FML

agreeclassic 23 687

vote type 1 2 740

By sadkid - 25/09/2011 23:23 - United States

Today, my mom called me a bastard, told me I should run away, and said I don't deserve to live in her house. All because I didn't use a plate when I ate a Poptart. FML

agreeclassic 34 914

vote type 1 4 400

Abort test! Abort test!

By Lindsey - 24/05/2014 15:22 - United States

Today, I took my driving test. I had pulled out of my three point turn in a neighborhood and started driving again, thinking something wasn't quite right. The lady testing me looked over at me and said, "Sweetie, you're driving on the wrong side of the road." FML

agreeclassic 42 270

vote type 1 20 844

By tayymeds - 12/03/2014 07:44 - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, my boyfriend asked why I never let him go down on me. I told him that it doesn't do much for me, even though it really does. I didn't have the courage to tell him that it's because he acts like a rabid dog when he does. FML

agreeclassic 53 451

vote type 1 12 598

tayymeds app_comment_confession_title

tayymeds 23

Wednesday 12 March 2014 19:40

So yes, I agree that I completely deserve it because I won't be blunt with him. I just don't want him to get insecure about it, like he has with other intimate things. I drop hints by not showing response when he starts to act like I'm a chew toy, but it doesn't work. I have however, brought up the idea of watching movies with him, he's agreed to it, so maybe I'll lightly drop the bomb there.... But all in all, he's a great man and an exceptional lover--just not with that one bit of foreplay. Thanks for the laughs and opinions!

Drunk and stupid

By paulwatson93 - 17/05/2011 04:28 - United States

Today, I went bowling with some friends. After a few beers I was showing off spinning the ball around on the tip of my finger. One trip to the ER and two crushed nuts later, I've found that mixing alcohol and heavy shiny balls is not a good idea. FML

agreeclassic 11 368

vote type 1 51 882

The key

By Anonymous - 07/09/2009 21:20 - United States

Today, I ran into my parents' bedroom after I heard my name and what sounded like painful screams. When I opened the door, my parents were on top of each other, laughing hysterically. They needed me to find the key to the handcuffs. FML

agreeclassic 61 259

vote type 1 3 472

By hatemyboss - 03/11/2011 16:13 - Canada

Today, I gave my boss a nick name. Everyone thought it was funny. Unfortunately "The Troll" was behind me and heard everything. FML

agreeclassic 10 609

vote type 1 45 115

By Chris - 01/01/2011 05:06 - United States

Today, I was in the elevator with my female coworker and a very attractive teen in front of us. My coworker reached out and grabbed the boobs of the teen in front of us, and blamed it on me. I got yelled at, kneed in the crotch, and punched in the face. My coworker couldn't stop laughing. FML

agreeclassic 39 546

vote type 1 3 947

By Anonymous - 01/09/2013 04:40 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, after I explained to my waitress that I have an allergy to butter, she nonetheless put some on my baked potato. When I had her get me another, without butter, she came back with one and then asked if I would like butter with it. FML

agreeclassic 49 878

vote type 1 3 557

By Chewy - 05/01/2010 10:45 - United Kingdom

Today, after my girlfriend telling me for years that she would marry me in a heartbeat, I finally proposed. She said no. FML

agreeclassic 45 612

vote type 1 4 278

By Anonymous - 06/10/2011 17:27 - United States

Today, I got called for a job interview. I didn't catch where it was, and in my excitement I forgot to ask. I now have no idea where I'm being interviewed. FML

agreeclassic 13 704

vote type 1 35 200

Thanks, spellcheck

By fuckspellcheck - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I realized the senior thesis I turned in last week uses the word "asses" instead of "assess" 17 times. FML

agreeclassic 24 033

vote type 1 62 703

Life imitates art

By awkwardsituation - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I watched a stray dog hump a garden gnome in my front yard. So did my two year-old daughter. I've already had to stop her "re-enactments" twice. FML

agreeclassic 39 785

vote type 1 4 983

By j_Lauren - 28/01/2013 04:48 - United States

Today, my mom had the option of choosing anywhere in the world where we could go on vacation. We live in the USA and she chose to fly to Texas, rent an RV, and drive to Florida. Anywhere in the world. FML

agreeclassic 37 613

vote type 1 3 329

By AngryBirdman - 22/04/2011 05:53

Today, my girlfriend told me she is only going out with me because I look like the person she really wants to go out with. FML

agreeclassic 42 295

vote type 1 3 713

Fake it til you make it

By freshman - 25/03/2011 23:05 - Canada

Today, to make my dorm neighbours think I'm popular, I blasted music and screamed at the top of my lungs so it sounded like I was having a party. My residence manager slapped me with a noise violation, and demanded to come in to make sure we weren't drinking. I had to explain why I was by myself. FML

agreeclassic 10 164

vote type 1 60 266

By elijahrobrt - 07/01/2012 06:48 - United States

Today, I went to a great concert. Against all odds, I got to meet the band. All I had for them to autograph was a flyer protesting their concert that was given to me on the way in. FML

agreeclassic 29 379

vote type 1 5 723

By Hayleey_079 - 18/02/2010 14:22 - United Kingdom

Today, a picture fell off of the wall in the middle of the night. It hit me smack bang in the middle of face. FML

agreeclassic 26 056

vote type 1 3 770

Cool your boots

By AmberKCole - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, the car in front of me was going slow and I flashed my lights and honked. I floored it and passed the car, flipping off the driver. Just as I went around the next corner, I got pulled over by a motorcycle cop. A few seconds later, the guy I flipped off drove by honked and waved. FML

agreeclassic 9 613

vote type 1 101 436

By (._. ) - 06/08/2013 20:35 - United States - Alburnett

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He told me he'd have to ask his dad if it was OK. I thought he was just kidding, until he pulled out his phone and called his dad. After a few minutes of "Come on, Dad" and "But why?" he hung up and said his dad wouldn't let him. He's 22. FML

agreeclassic 61 791

vote type 1 5 130

Fake News

By Anonymous - 23/11/2009 05:21 - Canada

Today, my friend called me freaking out because of an online pregnancy test. She was scared because she had no idea that she was pregnant, let alone having a fifteen-pound baby. The website is a joke. She goes to an Ivy League school, and I couldn't even get into community college. FML

agreeclassic 39 045

vote type 1 4 186

By MissMae93 - 26/04/2012 01:27 - United States

Today, I've been diagnosed with a severe lung infection. This causes me to viciously hack up a lung every two minutes or so. Not only can I barely breathe as it is, my job requires lots of running around, cleaning and interacting with customers. I have a five-hour shift tonight. FML

agreeclassic 25 766

vote type 1 2 465

MissMae93 app_comment_confession_title

MissMae93 23

Thursday 26 April 2012 14:39

To everyone saying I should have called in: unfortunately my work only provides about 3 sick days, which I used when I had my wisdom teeth removed. As for management, usually only one or two people are required to run the entire store (and of course, it was just me). They require much more notice and there was no one else available for the shift. Thank you to everyone with kind words and trust me, if I could have called in, I would have.

By badgirl - 21/06/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

agreeclassic 34 366

vote type 1 23 648