Love: Today, I met a really cute guy at work. He asked for my number,... - FML

By sad - United States

Today, I met a really cute guy at work. He asked for my number, and I wrote it down on a piece of paper. After looking at the paper, he crumpled it up, yelled "Do you think I'm stupid? I know the rejection hotline when I see it", and walked away. It was my real phone number. FML

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Taking stock

My body, my choice

Jonah begs to differ

By huh - United Kingdom - Troon

Today, I woke up to a glorious sunrise. I stood up, took a moment to soak up some sunlight, and then spent the next hour too scared to go make my morning coffee, after my mother loudly moaned, "Ah yeah, give it to me, Woody!" from down the hall. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to go swimming. I knew my technique would be off because I haven't swam since high school. It was when I made it only halfway across the pool that the lifeguard decided to jump in and save me. I wasn't drowning or struggling. FML

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By ash - United States

Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then ran up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught on her teeth. My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML

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By dammitRandy - United States - Kearny

Today, we had a fish fry for Father's Day. I ended up getting a fish bone lodged in my tonsil, and I had to rush to the bathroom to pull it out. I threw up three times in the process and still didn't manage to get the bone out. FML

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By fuckedbyahipster - Finland

Today, I was lectured by a self-professed vegan over my "barbaric" eating habits, in between her scarfing down a tuna fish sandwich. FML

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By alice - United Kingdom

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs. FML

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By Foolish - United States - Los Altos

Today, I decided to give my boyfriend one last chance at fixing our failing relationship. Instead of talking about how to fix our dying relationship, he decided to game all day and ignore me. FML

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By SadMan - United States

Today, I went to ask my boss for a raise. Turns out they are firing 35 people. I wasn't on the list until I asked for a raise. FML

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By ThanksDog

Today, after months of planning the perfect night with my brother, who was coming home for 2 weeks from the military, he cancelled because he "missed his dog". FML

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By ilovemypup

Today, while at my job in a candy store, a boy stuck his hand into the bin, contaminating the candy. As I politely explained that the dad had to purchase the affected candy he refused, yelled, then angrily agreed to buy them. The total cost of the candy with the extra pieces? $1.69. FML

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By soannoyed - United States

Today, my brother decided it would be funny for almost every sentence out of his mouth to start with the word "hashtag". FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my mother followed me to work to see what I got up to. I'm a fitness instructor in a ground floor gym that has big windows overlooking the street. She stood outside and waved at me for half an hour, while I tried to concentrate on teaching a visibly amused class. FML

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By FMLdude - Australia - Bexley

Scammed

Today, I accidentally hit an elderly man while driving. The police came, and five minutes later I was told that he confessed to walking in the middle of the road to get hit and claim compensation. He was fine, but I still got charged for hitting a pedestrian. FML

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By looser

Today, I pronounced FAQ as 'fuck' to my boss. I'm not a native speaker. FML

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By PC Jones - Australia

Today, it was my first day as a police officer. A couple of hours into the shift, we got a call. A man was drunkenly jeering and urinating on parked cars. That man turned out to be my father. FML

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By captainuniverse - United States - Nashville

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML

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By anonamous - United States

Today, I hugged my dog and kissed her on the side of the face. She responded by mauling me across my own face. FML

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By lameows - United States

Today, things got heated with my boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he's even more inexperienced than I thought; when I started grinding against him, he frowned and said, "Um... why're you doing that? We've still got clothes on..." FML

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By Shibs - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I was riding my bike along a road and a deer jumped out from the tree line, knocking me to the ground and breaking my arm. Someone pulled over to see if I was alright, running over my bike in the process. FML

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By Tee - France

Today, I got locked inside my office again by my co-workers because they had forgotten I was still around when they left. This happens 1 or 2 times a week. FML

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By elle - United States - Round Lake

Today, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. After telling her everything I'm going through, she looked at me and said "You know... every five years or so I get a case completely beyond my ability to help." I guess it's been five years. FML

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By Anonymous

This is why we can't have nice things.

Today, my husband brought home a machete. In the process of showing me a trick he learned, he managed to slice a nice big hole in our brand new very expensive sectional. FML

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By sqquish - United States - Smithfield

Today, while visiting my boyfriend to see his new puppies, I squatted down to pet one. The other began to lick my ankles profusely until I lost my balance and fell on him, breaking his leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 15:02 - Iraq

Trust

Today, my fiancée a year left me, a week after she told me she’s still talking to her ex. Her excuse for not telling me about this? Because, “You’ll make it a big deal out of it.” FML

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By alcoholic - Estonia

Today, I was telling my teenage daughter about the effects from alcohol, and how she should not give in to peer pressure. While talking, I noticed that she was looking at me funny. There was a wine glass in my hand. FML

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By writer4life - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on-line. While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. I refused. He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went our school's football game against their rival team. Before the games started, I got my school's logo painted on my face. After nearly 5 hours of watching the game, I went home to wash the paint off my face, only to find the logo had been sunburned onto my face. FML

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By scully11 - Canada

Cue Shaggy

Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML

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By tinygirl

Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML

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By oneillrox - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet for an x-ray. They found three dollar coins in his stomach. The surgery to remove them is $600. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Humble

Today, on my first driving lesson, I crashed my instructor's car. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Peters

Today, I finally stood up to the guy who's been bullying me for the last 2 years. Even though he's been caught in the act several times, he never gets punished, so I figured I'd get away with gut-punching him. Nope. An hour later, I was suspended from school. FML

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By Anonymous

Stoner Logic

Today, I've been sleeping with my drug dealer from high school who I still buy pot from for the past week. He made me go down on him a few days ago and he smelled funny but I didn't say anything. Today, he told me he only showers 2-3 times a month and he thinks he's a genius for it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Parker

Today, I went to my first job interview in months. Just minutes in, a sudden huge, uncontrollable sneeze overcame me. A wad of snot flew out onto my shirt, which I didn't even notice until the visibly disgusted interviewer pointed it out. FML

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By pissedchick

Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. We're in the middle of nowhere and have a 4-hour drive home. FML

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By anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I got so nervous that I actually peed my pants during a job interview. FML

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By Ennui - United States

Today, after being dumped just 48 hours prior, I awoke from a night of passionate lovemaking with my ex. Last night, he came to my house, romanced me, and presented a possible future. This morning, when I got up to use the restroom, my laptop, money, and ex-boyfriend were gone. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were chatting on MSN. He had to go run down to the corner market but left his webcam on. Shortly after he left I watched his mother steal 60 dollars out of his wallet. He doesn't believe me. FML

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By DexiCola - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, I asked my manager where the clearly-foreign customers were from. She said she didn't know, but she thought they were from ISIS. She wasn't trying to be funny, she thought ISIS was a country. FML

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By Galaxy-eyes photon human - 4/6/2020 02:00

Misery

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me. The worst part is I’m currently stuck in his house and can’t even deal with a fight right now. Why? Because I just had surgery this morning. FML

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Top comments

By alki_fml | 5

#139362 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:16

His loss! Looks like he's stupid after all.. i'd call that a lucky escape

By blowyourspeakers | 0

#139385 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:22

Why didn't you say anything?

COMMENTS

By bienfait_nn | 0

#139349 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:20

You could have just explained YDI

Reply

GumStickExtraGmail | 21

#7544369 - Saturday 23 September 2017 6:44

you victim blaming piece of shit

By Jigga_PaNG | 0

#139360 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:22

Ahahah!

By alki_fml | 5

#139362 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:16

His loss! Looks like he's stupid after all.. i'd call that a lucky escape

Reply

caits13 | 0

#1133613 - Saturday 24 July 2010 15:26

Thats true once you think about it- you're better off without him. Seems like he's a bit of a spaz.

By Jaywin | 3

#139366 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:22

You didn't think to explain it to him? I mean you could've whipped out your phone and shown him you were legit.

By The_Master | 0

#139378 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:23

now itd be REAL funny if he frequents this site, and reads this, and realizes what a jackass he truly is. and then, of course, posts an FML about it, just to make the whole thing complete.

Reply

isaiaha11 | 2

#1444936 - Thursday 23 September 2010 3:07

WIN

By bienfait_nn | 0

#139384 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:20

You could have just explained, YDI

Reply

DoWT | 11

#6350735 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 0:27

Why would you want to after an outburst like that?

By blowyourspeakers | 0

#139385 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:22

Why didn't you say anything?

By fleakfragfry | 0

#139388 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:22

Sounds like a whiny under confident spiteful douche. You may have lucked out, learning that right off the bat.

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#139394 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:26

Sounds like he's been rejected alot... RUN! Lol

By sunkissed_surf | 0

#139398 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:26

haha that sucks. he's probably a tard. i agree with #1