Intimacy: Today, I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The... - FML

By sad_gay - United States

Today, I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver. They drank too much and, on the way home, hooked up in the back seat. FML

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Understandable

Grow up

Dad of the year

By helosthisshit - United Kingdom - Linlithgow

Today, I went to a Halloween party with people from work. As the night passed, my boss got hammered and started throwing food at people. It was fun and games until I accidentally spilled his 10th beer. His response? To slam a hollowed out pumpkin full of chocolate mousse over my head. FML

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By BrandNewLemon - United States - Lancaster

Today, I financed my first car. I also made my first call to AAA when it broke down. It barely had any miles on it and I wasn't even home yet. FML

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By Relevance - United States

Today, my husband fell for an online scam leaving us 1450.00 in the negative. We get paid tomorrow and most of our money is going to cover that debt. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I decided to try a self-tanning lotion my friend had recommended. I put it on, and decided to take a nap. I woke up later and checked myself in the mirror, expecting to see a new, more tanned version of myself. I didn't. I'm now orange. FML

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By cigarettes - United States

Today, I was having sex when a cigarette craving came on. I don't know what's worse, the fact I asked for a cigarette break in the middle of sex or I last that long. FML

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By sadguyme - United States - Turlock

Today, on the first cold night of autumn, I realized I need a girlfriend because the only way I can stay warm is if I spoon with my dog. FML

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By Bandking - United States - Cleveland

Today, I marched in the St. Patrick's day parade. My horn has an inconveniently-placed spit valve that has to be drained frequently. At the end, I discovered every time I emptied it, it would spray all over the front of my pants. I marched an entire parade looking like I pissed my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my husband keeps in contact with the woman he was infatuated with in high school. He texts her more than he texts me. FML

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By crushed - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother won't let me intern at a prestigious college, working with graduate students and professors, and being paid, because she doesn't want to drive me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

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By WhosGoingToCleanThisUp - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter taught me the literal meaning of "When the shit hits the fan." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, a cute girl was telling me about her weird fetishes. I jokingly said, "Remind me never to have sex with you". She replied, "Don't worry, I have standards". FML

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By alison - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. All the magic vanished when I kept queefing every time he thrust into me. We made it about 10 seconds before he broke down into hysterical laughter and lost his boner. FML

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By Gloria Lovestar

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

Today, my husband explained that talking to me makes him miserable. FML

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By Tyler - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my girlfriend to buy some new clothes, and I turned around to give her a quick kiss. My lips were half-way to "her" face when I saw instead the face of another lady. She slapped me. My girlfriend was standing next to me, very pissed off. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2021 01:59

Deception

Today, I found out my husband was faking his leg injury. I caught him out and about walking just fine, hand in hand with another woman. I’ve been caring for him, holding down the bills and taking him to a "at home" chiropractor for the past 7 months. FML

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By RootyTootToot

Today, I got a call from "No Caller ID", which usually only shows up when someone calls from my house phone. Thinking it was my kids, I answered imitating a cartoon voice. It wasn't my kids. It was the district attorney's office calling about the job I applied for. FML

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By .... - United States - Geneva

Today, my boyfriend went to work instead of going to my father's funeral. He works at home and chooses his own hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to be treated for chemical burns, because my mother got the bright idea of using paint thinner to clean me up after I'd painted our living room. FML

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By SE011194 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my boyfriend told me that the girl he really likes sees me as a threat. FML

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By pokèscared

Go away

Today, the creepy dude I’d been desperately trying to avoid was able to figure out which building I work in, the general vicinity of my house and which restaurants I frequent. He learned all this by the gifts I sent, not knowing it was him, on the Pokémon Go app. FML

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By rokkstarrrVRV - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took a girl on a date. Her and her imaginary friends. FML

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By creeper - United States

Today, I was talking to this guy I like. He's very private and hides all his photos and wall posts on Facebook. Or so I thought, turns out he has me on a restricted friends list, titled "Creepers." FML

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By CARnage - Australia

Today, I hadn't been out in two weeks, and I was looking forward to going to the beach with my friends. Instead, I rear-ended someone at a roundabout and had to go home. FML

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By SwordFish8 - United States

Today, while on a run, I thought I'd run into a flock of geese in a field. Doing so, I learned that when you do this alone, the birds don't fly away, they attack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to sell over $400 worth of china at a flea market. I barely got paid enough to refill my gas tank. FML

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By SHUTUPDAD! - 17/10/2020 20:02

Noise annoys

Today, my dad found his old harmonica. It’s been five hours and he shows no signs of stopping. FML

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By badhairday - United States

Today, after months of her begging me, I let my girlfriend cut my hair for the first time. It turned out so badly that we are now "taking a break until it looks normal again." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2021 17:01 - Germany

Catflap time

Today, our cat doesn’t care much whether she gets into my room or not. Except at about 3 a.m. each night. That’s the time she sits outside the door, meowing to be let in. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had to crown the homecoming queen, a responsibility of mine as class president. It just happened to be that the queen is my ex-girlfriend that I still love, escorted by her new boyfriend. FML

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By notmine - India - New Delhi

Today, I work at a food joint as a chef, and a customer found a long strand of hair in her food. The manager blamed me, even though I'm bald. FML

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By witt75 - United States

Today, I was overdrawn $15 at the bank. I paid in my last $80 in cash, only for them to inform me that I've been slapped with $90 in overdraft fees. FML

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By :( - United States

Today, I learned it's best not to piss off your mom when she's cutting your hair. FML

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By please don't back that thing up - United States

Today, I stopped at a red light, when I noticed the car in front of me was in reverse. I honked at the driver, hoping he'd realize and place the car in drive. He thought the light turned green and immediately backed into me. FML

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By princessrose

Today, I asked the guy I share a desk with at work out because he has texted me a few times and seemed pretty into me. He said he doesn't date coworkers, even though the last 5 people he's dated have been coworkers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a few people in my class used calculators on the math final exam, even though it clearly stated at the top that they weren't allowed. The teacher found out, and now everyone has to retake the 200-question exam. I didn't even use a calculator. FML

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By NatchezParadox

Tinder surprised

Today, I watched as my Tinder date arrived at the coffee shop and mistook another woman for me. He never realized she was the wrong girl, and they spent the entire date together before leaving. The only similarity between me and the other woman was our hair. FML

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By grant - 6/3/2021 20:01

Sorry for your loss

Today, I was absolutely crucified online for asking the vet’s office how much it would cost to put my dog down. She's terminally ill. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 11:01 - Sweden - Skellefte?

No end in sight

Today, my city is in the news because of a huge Covid outbreak in a factory that's under construction. They have over a thousand workers and refuse to shut down to stop the spread. FML

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By kharrington - United States

Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML

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Top comments

By YerPal | 0

#115940 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:02

That's so hot!

By Gringo_fml | 0

#115951 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:06

Threesome?

COMMENTS

By YerPal | 0

#115940 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:02

That's so hot!

By KingsofOmega | 0

#115941 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:02

LOL

By JD797 | 0

#115946 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:03

Sounds like you're not missing out on much, lol...

By ravirobin | 0

#115947 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:04

HAHAHA, can't stop laughing.... you should have taken picture and showed it to them later...

By scorpioserpent | 1

#115950 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:06

awww sucks for being too nice :/

By Gringo_fml | 0

#115951 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:06

Threesome?

By theosguardian | 0

#115955 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:06

what did you expect... three gay guys in one car and two were drunk... you should have joined in :)

By Jaywin | 3

#115978 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:15

Number 6 has the right idea. You're in a great position for a threesome. Go for it!

By Sure_Thing | 0

#115982 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:17

And THIS is why you always take public transportation.

By intensify | 0

#115985 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:17

I'm not sure why you were going out with both guys at the same time... there's no way this could have turned out well