Today, I was fooling around a bit with my girlfriend while cooking...

By roberto - Brazil

Today, I was fooling around a bit with my girlfriend while cooking dinner when she said, "Don't get too excited, I want to watch The Princess and the Frog tonight." I just got cockblocked by a Disney movie. FML

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Intimacy

Dangling modifier

Caught red-handed

Thanks for the miracle

By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 08:01

Miss me yet?

Today, after I kicked my boyfriend out, thinking the sudden separation would make him value our relationship more, I heard he's spent the last 3 weeks at his brother's constantly playing Xbox, hasn’t called me once, and now I’m hearing rumours he’s been taking other women home from sleazy bars. FML

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574

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs. FML

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By NormalName

Today, a new coworker asked me how to pronounce my name and made a dismissive remark that "All Asian names are so hard to pronounce and they all sound the same". My name is Christopher. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to surprise my boyfriend at his family birthday celebration with a $2,000 trip he's always wanted, Ireland. Right before my gift, he had opened his mother's gift, an envelope containing a plane ticket. Guess where it was going? FML

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By Kreen - China

Today, I realized that mixing alcohol with my medication causes me to lose my memory. I went to see my favorite band in concert last night and I can't remember a single song they played. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Palo Alto

Today, working as a waitress, I was asked by a customer, yet again, how my baby was doing. I don't have a baby, but I do look very similar to my 25-year-old coworker, who's a new mom. People confuse us all the time. Unfortunately, my crush, who was standing nearby, doesn't know that. FML

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By zoearcu - United States

Today, my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and having the sun shine on my face. When he pulled them up, the metal holder on top broke off and fell on me. FML

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By Abandoned - United States

Today, our family went out to a restaurant at night. My cousin and I needed to go to the restroom, so we told everyone before going. Less than three minutes later, we came out to find them gone, along with the cars. They forgot about their own kids. FML

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By Scared

Today, I played a harmless joke on my neighbors by pointing a laser pointer out of my window onto their wall. Apparently, my neighbors don't take jokes lightly as one of the sons pointed at my window while screaming and swearing, then took out a gang bandana and wrapped it around his face. FML

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By ZeldaovaPeach - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I received an envelope with my name written in beautiful writing in my mailbox. I just moved in the day before and hadn't given the address to anyone or met my neighbors yet so I was a bit surprised by it, even more surprised to find nothing but a dick pic inside. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realized that the random string of numbers I deleted in my phone notes a few months ago was actually the pin code to my new bank account. FML

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By Brittany - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were kissing. Halfway through the kiss, he rubs his tongue along all my teeth and says, "You need to brush your teeth." FML

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12871

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By Anonymous - Canada - Regina

Today, I found out the girl I met online, who I spent hours talking to every day for the past 2 months, and who I fell in love with is actually my gay roomate. He says if I could fall in love with "her", I can fall in love with him. It doesn't work that way, dickhead. FML

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30607

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By ohyey - Norway

Dead bed

Today, I discovered that my wife isn't cheating on me after all, as I'd feared. We just don't have sex anymore. FML

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33083

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By shoelace18 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old swallowed her loose tooth, which she was going put under her pillow for the toothfairy. My wife then told her 'what goes in must come out'. And now everytime she does number 2, she makes me dig for her lost tooth. FML

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48781

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By Anonymous

Today, it's only been a week since I've been in my new apartment with my boyfriend, and I already caught him cheating. FML

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2104

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182

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By Bec - Australia

Today, the police were canvassing my neighbourhood about a recent robbery. When I answered the door, my brother saw badges, panicked, and jumped out our apartment's third-storey window in an attempt to escape. He thought they were after him for using a bong two weeks ago. I'm related to this twit. FML

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37310

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By embarassed_chick - United States

Today, I got my first period. My dad bought me a card and had everyone in my family sign it. FML

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57591

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By Elcam - Belgium

Today, I replaced a usually fun collegue's picture of his kids with a picture of my face against glass, so it looked I was inside the screen. Everyone laughed, but he reported me because I tried to "erase his children" and "if anything happens to them" it's now my fault. FML

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45712

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By Myballshurt - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two: under no circumstance do you close your eyes when they ask you to. Three: getting kicked in the balls hurts a lot. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML

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28180

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By Anonymous - United States - Cincinnati

Today, at work, my boss asked me why I wasn't adhering to proper dress code. I pointed out that skinny jeans are in the dress code, to which he replied, "Only if you're skinny." FML

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27227

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By popcorn - United States

Today, I was watching a movie online. There was a 15 minute ad. 13 minutes into watching an ad about birth control, I noticed that there was a "skip this ad" button in the corner. FML

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By effiestonem154 - United States

Today, the Chinese student I've been teaching English to got on stage in front of hundreds of people to read her final essay. She ended with, "What a fucking day." I don't swear, and I no longer have a job. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, my 7-year-old son proudly announced that he had laid an egg during the night. I checked. He'd simply shat the bed. FML

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53471

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By thatgirl247 - United States

Today, I decided to check out my school's quarterback's Twitter, since we have a class together. He wrote, "Dear girl in front of me, I thought you were pretty until you turned around." It was funny, until I realized the timestamp was when we have class together, and I sit in front of him. FML

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42002

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By Adulting

Today, I accidentally washed an entire box of macaroni and cheese with a load of laundry. I'm 25 and do not have kids. FML

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1991

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By Dan

John Tucker would've known what to do.

Today, in a rush, I accidentally wore my sister's underwear. I'm a guy. I had gym class today. FML

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1636

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a girl walking to class by herself. I thought she was weird for not having any friends to walk with. Thats when I realized I was eating lunch by myself. In my car. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland - Ruschlikon

Today, my boyfriend told me I sound like a squeaky toy during sex, and asked if I could get it under control because it creeps him out. FML

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By Cathy - United States

Today, I found out why I find damp spots on my favorite jacket. I appears that my dog often becomes very intimate with it. FML

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By >{%£•¥ - United States

Today, right before my boyfriend and I were about to have sex, he touched his butt and says, "Oh I have a butt pimple." He then went and popped it. FML

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33919

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By mandybar15 - United States - Norman

Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML

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38088

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By Demotivation - Germany - Berlin

Today, I was once again handed a document to translate along with the comment "Good luck, it doesn't make sense to begin with." If my translation doesn't, though, I will not get paid. FML

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40335

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By toomuch - Australia

Today, I went to my doctor. I casually asked him why I keep getting headaches after I masturbate. He said it probably was a sign from God. FML

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By NeedANewWindshield

Today, some unprovoked drunk asshole tried punching a hole through the windshield of my car. While I was driving it. FML

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1506

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By whatjusthappened - United States - Norman

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend, because he's too manipulative. By the time our chat ended, instead of being single, I'm somehow now committed to going on vacation with him and his family. FML

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By totallyembarassed - United States - Charlotte

Today, when I went to pay for my groceries, I accidentally handed the cashier a condom instead of my $20. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

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By sdeeter - United States

Today, I had a job interview at the local donut shop. It turns out I misunderstood the position, and that the job was actually to wear a donut costume and wave at cars outside the shop. I was told this after I got hired. FML

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Top comments

By def10nes | 0

#1691223 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:34

Your life doesn't suck. You have someone that wants to watch a fun, charming movie with you. Appreciate your lady ... you have one. The meaning of life isn't sex.

By LiishaNiinahx | 0

#1691181 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:27

disney movies are amazing ;D <3

COMMENTS

By sammiewashere | 0

#1691159 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:24

hahhaa awwhh that sucks

supasxcprincess | 0

#1691372 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:50

no that's what he gets for dating a 5 year old...the princess & frog, come on

Astroman129 | 7

#1691409 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:56

Come on 22... you're never too old for a Disney movie.

sammiewashere | 0

#1691475 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:03

ur never too old for a good Disney movie! come on

jakeisawake | 3

#1691495 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:07

Aye, whoa whoa whoa. Toy Story 3 can hardly be compared to a princess movie. It's freaking Toy Story 3. That's like THE bamf disney movie.

supasxcprincess | 0

#1691516 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:13

yeah but there's a big difference between toy story & the princess & frog + she'd rather watch it then be with her boyfriend ...

marinus_fml | 19

#1691587 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:25

I feel left out having never watched toy story 3 or princess and the frog :( Lion king on the other hand is God of the Disney movies.

Thin_Ice_fml | 0

#1691620 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:30

Toy Story 3 was an epic movie. screw you all to those who hate it.

jakeisawake | 3

#1691671 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:39

#41 .... You have to rent Toy Story 3; better yet, buy the bitch.

jazzy514 | 7

#1691773 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:55

there's a first for everything

sweettriumph | 0

#1692124 - Saturday 13 November 2010 5:54

trueee

generalasskicker | 12

#1692203 - Saturday 13 November 2010 6:17

Disney movies ftw

hannah1203 | 2

#1692238 - Saturday 13 November 2010 6:28

Disney ftw

marinus_fml | 19

#1692274 - Saturday 13 November 2010 6:51

Truly whipped if you have to cook dinner, and get cock-blocked by a Disney movie :)

pwincessa23 | 1

#1692886 - Saturday 13 November 2010 9:38

78, I don't get ur pic. it's a wiennie & ketchup... what's wrong with that!!!

Passant_fml | 3

#1692980 - Saturday 13 November 2010 10:11

then don't ask and stay pure.

ICabooseI | 0

#1693008 - Saturday 13 November 2010 10:27

82 cooking kicks ass bro

OrginalOwen | 0

#1693483 - Saturday 13 November 2010 13:00

1st Cooking chicks breakfest after keeps em coming back. 2nd you haven't been truly cockblocked untill a pixar movie sepeeates you from pussy.

Tanya101 | 4

#1701980 - Sunday 14 November 2010 20:52

agreeed

GreatGeak | 8

#1854245 - Thursday 16 December 2010 18:09

lol 98, do you really not see it?
it's sad, because I do. rofl!

By 907PRincess | 0

#1691167 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:26

that's fckn lame .

tanner11111 | 0

#1692039 - Saturday 13 November 2010 5:35

Disney has that affect on people

NiceGuyz | 0

#1701816 - Sunday 14 November 2010 20:07

I think it is the OP who is 'fucking lame'.

^NiceGuyz^

agentx52 | 13

#2820652 - Monday 4 July 2011 21:52

Nah, I say he deserves it. No girl is that childish. She probably wanted to have sex, but you're too gullible to push past it.

By FML858 | 0

#1691179 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:27

ydi for sucking in bed.

Zya_fml | 8

#1692620 - Saturday 13 November 2010 8:38

I guess it did :(.
R.I.P cute puppy D:

EpicPear | 0

#1693125 - Saturday 13 November 2010 11:34

I don't know how I misread 33's post wrong. I read the two P's in puppy as S's

XelaKJK | 0

#1695069 - Saturday 13 November 2010 18:49

103, u read it as suspy?

EpicPear | 0

#1708761 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 8:53

No the 2nd and 3rd p's

yewzd | 0

#1742392 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 3:06

Pussy?

ZeeBest86 | 6

#1786558 - Friday 3 December 2010 4:20

lmao @116! true win!!

By LiishaNiinahx | 0

#1691181 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:27

disney movies are amazing ;D <3

Zabrielle | 0

#1691261 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:37

indeed they are! =D

sara117 | 0

#1691998 - Saturday 13 November 2010 5:30

agreed!

xxxbooxxx | 16

#1695199 - Saturday 13 November 2010 19:08

yass! <3

By FMLandurstoo | 9

#1691205 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:33

she thinks walt disneys better in bed

By mathew17986g | 2

#1691214 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:33

ha ha ha hey well watch the movie theeeen you guys can get it on XD

By AmazonGurrl | 0

#1691216 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:33

Just wait till after the movie. Nothing gets you in the mood like a good Disney movie haha

mrbeastmode | 0

#1691581 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:23

lawlz

ICabooseI | 0

#1693014 - Saturday 13 November 2010 10:30

what kind of Disney movies have YOU been watching girl!?

By def10nes | 0

#1691223 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:34

Your life doesn't suck. You have someone that wants to watch a fun, charming movie with you. Appreciate your lady ... you have one. The meaning of life isn't sex.