Today, I was fooling around a bit with my girlfriend while cooking...

By roberto - 12/11/2010 23:48 - Brazil

Today, I was fooling around a bit with my girlfriend while cooking dinner when she said, "Don't get too excited, I want to watch The Princess and the Frog tonight." I just got cockblocked by a Disney movie. FML

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Intimacy

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Who's a good boy?

The student becomes the master

By Anonymous - 22/8/2012 20:08 - United States

Today, I realized how much I hate my girlfriend, when I got excited as the doctor told me I should refrain from having sex for the next two months. FML

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By Username - 17/7/2011 15:21 - United States

Today, I had to endure a long story about how and why my brother shaves his pubes. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 02:48 - Australia

Today, my little sister put on some black eyeliner on my eyes. About half an hour later, my eyes started to hurt. Eyeliner never hurt for me; so I went to the bathroom to check it out. My sister wasn't using eyeliner. It was a black watercolor pencil. Now I have black bits inside my eyes. FML

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By Kate - 17/10/2011 02:50 - United States

Today, I was chatting with a customer who comes regularly to my job. He sticks his hand out and I put my hand on his, thinking he's giving me a high five. He was just waiting for his receipt. FML

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By mustanggt - 10/7/2012 15:39 - United States - La Porte

Today, I was in traffic court trying to get out of a ticket. The judge called my defense "complete, unadulterated bullshit." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2012 00:11 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started at my new night job. Shortly after walking in, my boss came up behind me, whispered "hooorse dicksss" in my ear, and walked off without another word. I am terrified. FML

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By zazzleface - 9/4/2012 12:23 - United States - Bergenfield

Today, my mom was in the kitchen when her shirt caught on fire. Acting quickly, I poured my glass of water on her. Instead of thanking me, she yelled at me for making a mess. FML

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By OrangeTree12 - 4/4/2009 06:05 - Canada

Today, a really cute guy sat across from me on the bus. He smiled at me, then tensed his muscles and lifted a heavy bag with one arm. Thinking he was trying to act "macho" to impress me, I rolled my eyes and threw him an annoyed/disgusted look. When he got off, I realized he only had one arm. FML

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By hateparents - 11/10/2009 11:25 - Australia

Today, my parents met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. They not only brought along embarrassing childhood photos of myself, they'd 'accidentally' placed an intimate photo of me and my ex-girlfriend with them. That was their subtle way of telling everyone they prefer my ex. FML

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By oxbbabexo - 14/4/2009 13:45 - United States

Today, I was talking to a guy I met online and have known for 4 years. I've fallen in love with him twice, one of those times being currently. He was supposed to visit this summer. I got an email from him saying he's really a 17 year old girl from Chesterfield, MO. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2013 07:52 - United States

Today, I tried to pick up a girl by asking her what the time was as a conversation starter. She responded by telling me it was time to pick a girl more in my league. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2015 01:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to convince my nine year-old brother to stop using my biology textbook as a masturbatory aid so I could actually get some studying done. FML

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By Lithiac - 4/2/2014 06:16 - United States - Ocala

Today, at the grocery store, an elderly woman asked for help with some tea. I lent her a hand, spending a good twenty minutes reading different labels out loud until she found one she liked. After she was done, she handed me a pamphlet and said, "You're a nice girl. I hope you don't go to hell." FML

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By oogabooga9 - 8/11/2017 15:00

Today, I was clearing out the garage when a large bouncy ball rolled into the drive. Only when I blasted it full force with my foot and collapsed did I realise it was actually a bowling ball. Two of my toes are broken. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2012 04:49 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I found a used condom in my trash can. I have been happily married to my wife for 7 years, and we use other forms of birth control. FML

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By courtbabbbby - 12/2/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

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By Tylerdirdin84 - 28/7/2019 20:00

Today, I had to give a massage to my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend as they got a couples’ massage. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that not only did the toothpaste I put on my pimple make it more noticable, but it made it worse. FML

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By Gagging - 15/6/2015 11:57 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I opened my front door to be greeted by what I can only describe as the stink of death. After moving furniture and lifting floorboards, frantically searching for whatever had died, I finally discovered the actual source of the stench - my girlfriend's feet. FML

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By burnt38392 - 24/12/2010 19:36 - United States

Today, as a means of getting over my abusive ex, I decided to write his name on a piece of paper and light it on fire. As I lit the paper up, I noticed the marker ink had bled through it. The paper is gone, but his name is forever engraved on my desk. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2013 04:15 - United States

Today, I was working the drive-through at McDonald's. I greeted a customer with a, "Hi, how are you doing today?" His response: "Better than you." FML

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By no, oh god no - 8/9/2018 14:30

Babe, I am your father.

Today, it was only as my boyfriend met my dad for the first time that I realised how alike they are. Same opinions, same dress sense, same moustache and beard, same height and body shape, similar jobs and cars, and they support the same rugby team. They got on like a house on fire as soon as they met. FML

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By ryan - 10/2/2010 15:08 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Its was pretty good and heavy and she was moaning nicely. Then her moans got softer and softer and then nothing. She fell asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says. "I'm finally going to tell her I love her!" I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'm Kayla. FML

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By wobbles - 4/12/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I spent 30 minutes trying to find my glasses. I don't know whats worse, the fact that I was wearing them the whole time, or that my girlfriend played along and helped me look for them. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2011 07:26 - United States

Today, I ate some hardboiled eggs for breakfast, not knowing they were practically rotten. My whole day has consisted of vomit-inducing sulfuric farts and diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2011 01:51 - United States

Today, my mom went to grab my sheets off my bed. I said that I would do it, to which she responded, "Calm down, it's not like I've never seen 'spludge' before." FML

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By wherermypants - 2/8/2012 05:10 - United States - Austin

Today, I discovered that when I'm drunk, I hate wearing clothes. And it doesn't matter who is around to see it, not even my soon-to-be father-in-law. FML

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By notfromanisland - 4/12/2015 05:41

Today, through a mutual friend I met with a girl from Netherlands for dinner. At some point, she told me I have an Antillean accent, referring to the Dutch Antilles. I was born and raised nowhere near those islands, but my former boyfriend of 5 years is Antillean. Now I have his accent. FML

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By beccaj_ilh - 6/9/2009 15:04 - United Kingdom

Today, while I was working in a bar, a very fat drunk guy kept flirting with me. He assumed I liked him because I kept blushing. I didn’t. It’s just been so long since anyone flirted with me that I apparently now cannot control my reactions if a man talks to me. FML

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By stardad - 22/7/2019 15:02 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my ex purposely taught our kids to call all the Star Wars characters by Star Trek names. I’m not sure what bothers me more, the fact that she did it, or the fact that it makes me utterly insane when they say them. FML

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By for fucks sake gramps - 6/8/2012 21:37 - United States - Mililani

Today, I was at the store with my grandpa. When we were rung up, he started to pay for our myriad groceries in coins, and the guy behind us groaned. My grandpa said, "shut your mouth," and started ranting about how stupid people are to leave paper trails for "government spooks." FML

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By flattened - 10/2/2011 10:58

Today, my mum got an electric car. It's so quiet that we could hear the bones of my cat break as we reversed over it on the driveway. FML

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By JerseyGirl - 4/9/2009 16:52 - United States

Today, I went out to my car to run some errands. It wouldn't start. I called AAA, only to find out my battery wasn't dead, it was stolen. FML

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By $$$ - 29/5/2013 04:49 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, an elderly woman couldn't afford all of her groceries at the checkout so she started to take out a few things. I offered to pay for her groceries; she thanked me and walked out. An onlooker then came up to me and told me that she does it to someone every week. FML

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By goodbye sweet internet - 6/7/2013 18:23 - Greece - Athens

Today, after playing numerous games of poker against my friend, and him telling me that I'm the best poker player he's ever met, I went out and played for real money. I got totally destroyed, lost all of my money, and was laughed out of the building. FML

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By tired - 1/8/2011 08:07 - United States

Today, my dad woke me up 3 hours early, after I had been up very late the night before, because something "awesome" happened. Apparently the cashier at Dunkin' Donuts and I share the same first name. Thanks Dad. FML

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By clair_brodie - 4/7/2019 20:00

Today, as I was putting some dishes away, I spilled water on the floor. While walking around the dishwasher, I slipped on said water, and after going to urgent care, found out I tore my meniscus. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2013 07:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I bought $250 worth of groceries and was feeling rather good about myself because it's the first time I've been able to do so in months. When I returned home I found my fridge/freezer broken. Most of the food I bought was dairy or frozen. FML

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By jam - 11/2/2012 07:03 - Australia

Today, I received a parking fine for $147. My car isn't even worth that much. FML

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Top comments

By def10nes | 0

#1691223 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:34

Your life doesn't suck. You have someone that wants to watch a fun, charming movie with you. Appreciate your lady ... you have one. The meaning of life isn't sex.

By LiishaNiinahx | 0

#1691181 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:27

disney movies are amazing ;D <3

Comments

By sammiewashere | 0

#1691159 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:24

hahhaa awwhh that sucks

supasxcprincess | 0

#1691372 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:50

no that's what he gets for dating a 5 year old...the princess & frog, come on

Astroman129 | 7

#1691409 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:56

Come on 22... you're never too old for a Disney movie.

sammiewashere | 0

#1691475 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:03

ur never too old for a good Disney movie! come on

jakeisawake | 3

#1691495 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:07

Aye, whoa whoa whoa. Toy Story 3 can hardly be compared to a princess movie. It's freaking Toy Story 3. That's like THE bamf disney movie.

supasxcprincess | 0

#1691516 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:13

yeah but there's a big difference between toy story & the princess & frog + she'd rather watch it then be with her boyfriend ...

marinus_fml | 19

#1691587 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:25

I feel left out having never watched toy story 3 or princess and the frog :( Lion king on the other hand is God of the Disney movies.

Thin_Ice_fml | 0

#1691620 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:30

Toy Story 3 was an epic movie. screw you all to those who hate it.

jakeisawake | 3

#1691671 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:39

#41 .... You have to rent Toy Story 3; better yet, buy the bitch.

jazzy514 | 7

#1691773 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:55

there's a first for everything

sweettriumph | 0

#1692124 - Saturday 13 November 2010 5:54

trueee

generalasskicker | 12

#1692203 - Saturday 13 November 2010 6:17

Disney movies ftw

hannah1203 | 2

#1692238 - Saturday 13 November 2010 6:28

Disney ftw

marinus_fml | 19

#1692274 - Saturday 13 November 2010 6:51

Truly whipped if you have to cook dinner, and get cock-blocked by a Disney movie :)

pwincessa23 | 1

#1692886 - Saturday 13 November 2010 9:38

78, I don't get ur pic. it's a wiennie & ketchup... what's wrong with that!!!

Passant_fml | 3

#1692980 - Saturday 13 November 2010 10:11

then don't ask and stay pure.

ICabooseI | 0

#1693008 - Saturday 13 November 2010 10:27

82 cooking kicks ass bro

OrginalOwen | 0

#1693483 - Saturday 13 November 2010 13:00

1st Cooking chicks breakfest after keeps em coming back. 2nd you haven't been truly cockblocked untill a pixar movie sepeeates you from pussy.

Tanya101 | 4

#1701980 - Sunday 14 November 2010 20:52

agreeed

GreatGeak | 8

#1854245 - Thursday 16 December 2010 18:09

lol 98, do you really not see it?
it's sad, because I do. rofl!

By 907PRincess | 0

#1691167 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:26

that's fckn lame .

tanner11111 | 0

#1692039 - Saturday 13 November 2010 5:35

Disney has that affect on people

NiceGuyz | 0

#1701816 - Sunday 14 November 2010 20:07

I think it is the OP who is 'fucking lame'.

^NiceGuyz^

agentx52 | 13

#2820652 - Monday 4 July 2011 21:52

Nah, I say he deserves it. No girl is that childish. She probably wanted to have sex, but you're too gullible to push past it.

By FML858 | 0

#1691179 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:27

ydi for sucking in bed.

Zya_fml | 8

#1692620 - Saturday 13 November 2010 8:38

I guess it did :(.
R.I.P cute puppy D:

EpicPear | 0

#1693125 - Saturday 13 November 2010 11:34

I don't know how I misread 33's post wrong. I read the two P's in puppy as S's

XelaKJK | 0

#1695069 - Saturday 13 November 2010 18:49

103, u read it as suspy?

EpicPear | 0

#1708761 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 8:53

No the 2nd and 3rd p's

yewzd | 0

#1742392 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 3:06

Pussy?

ZeeBest86 | 6

#1786558 - Friday 3 December 2010 4:20

lmao @116! true win!!

By LiishaNiinahx | 0

#1691181 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:27

disney movies are amazing ;D <3

Zabrielle | 0

#1691261 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:37

indeed they are! =D

sara117 | 0

#1691998 - Saturday 13 November 2010 5:30

agreed!

xxxbooxxx | 16

#1695199 - Saturday 13 November 2010 19:08

yass! <3

By FMLandurstoo | 9

#1691205 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:33

she thinks walt disneys better in bed

By mathew17986g | 2

#1691214 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:33

ha ha ha hey well watch the movie theeeen you guys can get it on XD

By AmazonGurrl | 0

#1691216 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:33

Just wait till after the movie. Nothing gets you in the mood like a good Disney movie haha

mrbeastmode | 0

#1691581 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:23

lawlz

ICabooseI | 0

#1693014 - Saturday 13 November 2010 10:30

what kind of Disney movies have YOU been watching girl!?

By def10nes | 0

#1691223 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:34

Your life doesn't suck. You have someone that wants to watch a fun, charming movie with you. Appreciate your lady ... you have one. The meaning of life isn't sex.