Intimacy: Today, I was fooling around a bit with my girlfriend while cooking...

By roberto - Brazil

Today, I was fooling around a bit with my girlfriend while cooking dinner when she said, "Don't get too excited, I want to watch The Princess and the Frog tonight." I just got cockblocked by a Disney movie. FML

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Intimacy

Dangling modifier

There's no helping some people

Mr Sensitivity

By Anonymous

Today, just a day prior to my vacation starting, I learned that my five-day "seasonal fever" is actually due to a blood infection from a bacteria. FML

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By brylynn - United States

Today, I fainted during my sister's wedding because my dress was too tight. When I woke up, she slapped me hard across the face. Why? Because I "took all the attention away" from her. FML

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By Max Flynn

Jesus freak

Today, while driving, a minivan cut me off. Pissed, I started honking and cursing. I then went ballistic when the driver waved out the window, smiling. It wasn't until I was at a stoplight that I noticed their "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 23:01

Unloveable

Today, I was paired up with a girl in my class for a project. She started crying. FML

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By fannyfitel123 - United States

Today, I corrected my mom in front of our family while she was ragging on my 12 year old cousin who got a piercing. She said, "You don't understand you don't have kids, but on the other hand you probably never will!" I have Polycystic ovary syndrome, she is right, I probably never will. FML

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By SocialAnxietyNightmare - United Kingdom

Today, my social anxiety got so bad, I nearly had a panic attack when too many people joined my World of Warcraft party. FML

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By adam - United States

Today, I made heart shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I walked into two things. The first was a spiderweb. The second, due to blind panic, was oncoming traffic. FML

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By poserpilot - United States - El Cajon

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find that while I was passed out someone stole my prosthetic leg. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after explaining to my four-year-old why our new puppy was peeing on things to mark his territory, my son decided to follow suit and pee all over our house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, me, a coworker, and my manager were looking at random advertisements. One ad was a picture of three fishes. My coworker named the three fishes what I thought were completely random names. I said "those are stupid names." Turns out those are my manager's kid's names. FML

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By T___T - United States - Cleveland

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that no, my period arriving several days late doesn't mean I have AIDS. FML

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By thatisnotcool45 - Canada

Today, I got to say, "My best friend hooked up with my step-sister's grandma's aunt" and be correct. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell asleep with my luggage at a bus terminal. Upon waking up, I found that someone had opened my bags and stolen all my socks. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2020 02:02

Bass, how low can you go?

Today, I tried to study for my upcoming engineering exam. The class I’m in is notorious for being incredibly difficult and is oftentimes the reason for people dropping out of the major. Too bad the dudes in the apartment next to me have a subwoofer and keep playing music that has way too much bass. FML

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By abutorac951

Panic! At the Costco

Today, I had to drive over an hour away to buy toilet paper. FML

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By James - United States

Today, I was at a local restaurant. The girl that I like walked by so I tried to give her a high five. My hand ended up on her boob instead. FML

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By unfriendlyskies - United States - Central Falls

Today, I called an airline's customer service line. Apparently the way that they deal with uncommon problems is by having someone put you on hold for twenty minutes, answer and yell something unintelligible at you, put you back on hold, and repeat. This went on for over an hour. FML

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By motheroftwo - Norway

Today, while standing by the kitchen window I noticed a mouse running across our lawn on top of the snow. I called my two daughters to come see it, but by the time they got to the window a hawk was shredding the poor thing to pieces. My kids didn't stop crying for two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend's job to ask him a question. His co-worker answered the phone, and when I asked for my boyfriend, he assumed I was someone else. Who exactly would that someone else be? FML

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By Nico - France - Asni?res

Today, the company I was fired from three years ago merged with the company I work at now. The new owners' first order of business was to fire me again. FML

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By cacheson

Trip Advisor rating: 5 turds

Today, I checked into a hotel for a work trip. When I walked in, the sheets and bath mat were stained, and there was soap-encrusted hair stuck in my folded towel. When I got back later in the day, all my stuff was gone because they apparently thought I'd checked out. FML

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By DLS - United States

Today, I realised I know the map on World of Warcraft better than the map of my own country. FML

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By tayluh26 - United States

Today, I found out that my fiancé's parents are refusing to pay for a honeymoon because "they didn't have one so neither will we", so they won't pay for a single thing for our wedding. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend and she was making me listen to one of her recordings for chorus. As I was listening to it a solo came on, and i turned to her and said "This is the worst F*ing solo I've ever heard in my life." Little did I know, it was her solo. FML

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By very punny - United States - Odenton

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with a ring from Kay Jewelers. She saw the box, started giggling, whispered, "'Kay", and then started laughing so hard at her joke she had to excuse herself. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my very drunk mother decided to run down the block naked, screaming at the top of her lungs, "She's trying to kill me" as I followed behind her in my car, yelling for her to get in. FML

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By Bobby ray slice - United States

Today, I went into a public bathroom and walked in on a guy checking his butt out in the mirror to see if he'd wiped properly. FML

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By Prometheus - United States

Today, a co-worker and I walked out of our office at the same time. He got in his car, which was parked right out front. I asked him what I had to do to get a sweet parking spot like that. He rolled up his pant leg and show me his prosthesis. He was in the handicapped spot. FML

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By Sam_Licker81 - United States

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 20:00

Secret life

Today, the phone rang, it was some woman who wanted to speak to my dad. “It’s probably his mistress,” I said jokingly. Turns out it was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend, the girl I completely love, is now dating my father. She tried giving me the "I know I'm not your mother..." speech. FML

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By cleb

Today, I found out that the seeds of the Cherimoya fruit are toxic. I found out by eating the entire fruit, including all seeds. FML

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By Tib - United States

Today, I had to take a urine test. I drank a lot of water so that I wouldn't force it. When I got there, I had to pee really bad. The cup was too small and when I relieved my bladder, it was a jet that rebounded off of the cup and overflowed going all over my hands, clothes, toilet, and floor. FML

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By EnderHorse - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth worked on. I got tongue-tied and instead of asking if they could anesthetize me, I accidentally asked if they could euthanize me. FML

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By Laura - United States

Today, I saw a small child take a really bad fall off his scooter, so I got rid of my cigarette and ran to help him. I asked him if he was alright, or if I could walk him to his house. He replied "I'm okay, but your dress is on fire." It was. FML

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By Gale - United States

Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity. FML

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By Motherly Love - United States

Today, I was at the airport to pick up my mother since my baby is due soon. As she arrived, I smiled wide and opened my arms for a hug, but she walked right by me. Apparently, being pregnant makes me unrecognizable. My husband and I had to tell it her was me, her own daughter. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I woke up early and went to the dermatologist's, only to have them tell me that the skin condition I have that causes big, white spots to appear is chronic and I can do nothing about it. But they did give me cream for a different skin condition they found. FML

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By allergies - United States - New York

Today, I sneezed while my ID photo was being taken. I look like a total moron in it. The photographer refused to retake the photo because I "clearly" faked the sneeze just to be funny. FML

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Top comments

By def10nes | 0

#1691223 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:34

Your life doesn't suck. You have someone that wants to watch a fun, charming movie with you. Appreciate your lady ... you have one. The meaning of life isn't sex.

By LiishaNiinahx | 0

#1691181 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:27

disney movies are amazing ;D <3

COMMENTS

By sammiewashere | 0

#1691159 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:24

hahhaa awwhh that sucks

supasxcprincess | 0

#1691372 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:50

no that's what he gets for dating a 5 year old...the princess & frog, come on

Astroman129 | 7

#1691409 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:56

Come on 22... you're never too old for a Disney movie.

sammiewashere | 0

#1691475 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:03

ur never too old for a good Disney movie! come on

jakeisawake | 3

#1691495 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:07

Aye, whoa whoa whoa. Toy Story 3 can hardly be compared to a princess movie. It's freaking Toy Story 3. That's like THE bamf disney movie.

supasxcprincess | 0

#1691516 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:13

yeah but there's a big difference between toy story & the princess & frog + she'd rather watch it then be with her boyfriend ...

marinus_fml | 19

#1691587 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:25

I feel left out having never watched toy story 3 or princess and the frog :( Lion king on the other hand is God of the Disney movies.

Thin_Ice_fml | 0

#1691620 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:30

Toy Story 3 was an epic movie. screw you all to those who hate it.

jakeisawake | 3

#1691671 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:39

#41 .... You have to rent Toy Story 3; better yet, buy the bitch.

jazzy514 | 7

#1691773 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:55

there's a first for everything

sweettriumph | 0

#1692124 - Saturday 13 November 2010 5:54

trueee

generalasskicker | 12

#1692203 - Saturday 13 November 2010 6:17

Disney movies ftw

hannah1203 | 2

#1692238 - Saturday 13 November 2010 6:28

Disney ftw

marinus_fml | 19

#1692274 - Saturday 13 November 2010 6:51

Truly whipped if you have to cook dinner, and get cock-blocked by a Disney movie :)

pwincessa23 | 1

#1692886 - Saturday 13 November 2010 9:38

78, I don't get ur pic. it's a wiennie & ketchup... what's wrong with that!!!

Passant_fml | 3

#1692980 - Saturday 13 November 2010 10:11

then don't ask and stay pure.

ICabooseI | 0

#1693008 - Saturday 13 November 2010 10:27

82 cooking kicks ass bro

OrginalOwen | 0

#1693483 - Saturday 13 November 2010 13:00

1st Cooking chicks breakfest after keeps em coming back. 2nd you haven't been truly cockblocked untill a pixar movie sepeeates you from pussy.

Tanya101 | 4

#1701980 - Sunday 14 November 2010 20:52

agreeed

GreatGeak | 8

#1854245 - Thursday 16 December 2010 18:09

lol 98, do you really not see it?
it's sad, because I do. rofl!

By 907PRincess | 0

#1691167 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:26

that's fckn lame .

tanner11111 | 0

#1692039 - Saturday 13 November 2010 5:35

Disney has that affect on people

NiceGuyz | 0

#1701816 - Sunday 14 November 2010 20:07

I think it is the OP who is 'fucking lame'.

^NiceGuyz^

agentx52 | 13

#2820652 - Monday 4 July 2011 21:52

Nah, I say he deserves it. No girl is that childish. She probably wanted to have sex, but you're too gullible to push past it.

By FML858 | 0

#1691179 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:27

ydi for sucking in bed.

Zya_fml | 8

#1692620 - Saturday 13 November 2010 8:38

I guess it did :(.
R.I.P cute puppy D:

EpicPear | 0

#1693125 - Saturday 13 November 2010 11:34

I don't know how I misread 33's post wrong. I read the two P's in puppy as S's

XelaKJK | 0

#1695069 - Saturday 13 November 2010 18:49

103, u read it as suspy?

EpicPear | 0

#1708761 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 8:53

No the 2nd and 3rd p's

yewzd | 0

#1742392 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 3:06

Pussy?

ZeeBest86 | 6

#1786558 - Friday 3 December 2010 4:20

lmao @116! true win!!

By LiishaNiinahx | 0

#1691181 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:27

disney movies are amazing ;D <3

Zabrielle | 0

#1691261 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:37

indeed they are! =D

sara117 | 0

#1691998 - Saturday 13 November 2010 5:30

agreed!

xxxbooxxx | 16

#1695199 - Saturday 13 November 2010 19:08

yass! <3

By FMLandurstoo | 9

#1691205 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:33

she thinks walt disneys better in bed

By mathew17986g | 2

#1691214 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:33

ha ha ha hey well watch the movie theeeen you guys can get it on XD

By AmazonGurrl | 0

#1691216 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:33

Just wait till after the movie. Nothing gets you in the mood like a good Disney movie haha

mrbeastmode | 0

#1691581 - Saturday 13 November 2010 4:23

lawlz

ICabooseI | 0

#1693014 - Saturday 13 November 2010 10:30

what kind of Disney movies have YOU been watching girl!?

By def10nes | 0

#1691223 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:34

Your life doesn't suck. You have someone that wants to watch a fun, charming movie with you. Appreciate your lady ... you have one. The meaning of life isn't sex.