The Top

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By Anonymous - 08/02/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, I saw an attractive, thin woman eating a salad. Trying to be smooth, I approached her and told her that she didn't need to eat so scarcely, because she was beautiful. She promptly gave me a dirty look and informed me that she was a vegetarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 683

You deserved it 50 603

Healthy lifestyle

By healthfoodshmealthfood - 17/11/2011 14:34 - United States

Today, after years of training myself to crave healthier foods in order to lose weight, I found out that some of my favorite health foods actually aggravate my hypothyroidism, and indirectly reduce my metabolism. Broccoli and soybeans are making me fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 994

You deserved it 3 696

Bushed out

By en3rg1zer21 - 06/08/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I was peeing when I sneezed. I looked down to see that my gum had flown out of my mouth and gotten caught in my pubes. On the upside, I got a new look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 439

You deserved it 9 546

By bear - 21/05/2012 22:47 - Norway - Bod?

Today, it's been three weeks since I started using a hair-growth shampoo in the hopes of combating my balding. All it's done so far is make the hair I do have monstrously bushy, both upstairs and down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 956

You deserved it 4 381

By Taylor - 21/04/2014 04:04 - United States - Dubuque

Today, my boyfriend drove 20 miles to come see me. The closest we got to intimacy was him showing me how he could unlock his iPhone 5s with his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 371

You deserved it 8 194

Where am I?

By 2ndplacechamp - 01/06/2011 05:43 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were driving to a costume party. On the way, we got into an argument and she kicked me out of her car. I had to walk around the city center in an Iron Man outfit trying to find the party venue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 597

You deserved it 9 475

Date night

By Anonymous - 30/04/2011 05:21 - United States

Today, I went out on a date with an ex-boyfriend who I hadn't seen since college. He took me to a bar, where he was oddly quiet, but drank heavily. When the bartender asked us if we were ok, he replied, "This is my ex-girlfriend. Can you believe she used to be skinny?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 163

You deserved it 7 997

By Jukka - 19/04/2011 00:48

Today, I watched Free Willy with my daughter. Later on she decided to free her 6 pet mice into the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 778

You deserved it 8 461

By whygod - 12/06/2016 13:45

Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old sister, naked, streaming herself eating a banana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 420

You deserved it 1 416

By whateven - 08/01/2013 17:45 - United States - Allentown

Today, my boss "borrowed" my prescription sunglasses off my desk. She crashed her car because they made her dizzy, and thinks I should pay for the damages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 560

You deserved it 2 820

Compacted

By RatFailure - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I looked into my sink's garbage disposal for the first time since I moved in two months ago. Apparently, the putrid smell was not the food I've been throwing down it, but instead, a now what appears to be mutilated litter of rats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 963

You deserved it 3 864

By fmjob - 21/07/2009 04:39 - Canada

Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 349

You deserved it 6 257

By Anonymous - 25/08/2012 15:48 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, while on the bus, a small child asked me if I was having a baby, and I replied "Yes." I'm not. I was just too ashamed to admit I was fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 743

You deserved it 10 743

By Anonymous - 11/09/2011 19:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to clean up after the kid who discovered he could finger paint with his poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 264

You deserved it 3 187

By BadBoyfriend - 03/06/2013 04:31 - United States - El Paso

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not remembering our anniversary. Our three week anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 435

You deserved it 7 314

Almost done

By Anonymous - 09/04/2013 04:59 - Canada

Today, it's my 17th birthday, and the first birthday since my mother died, leaving me to live with my previously-absent father. He gave me pretzels and a laser pointer, and said, "Happy birthday, fuckstick." One more year… FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 620

You deserved it 3 453

By Nelson - 09/05/2011 15:05 - Sweden

Today, I was sitting on my balcony reading a book. My upstairs neighbors thought that would be a good time to water their flowers. I'm now drenched in water, as is my book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 955

You deserved it 3 843

By justcomesnaturally - 04/11/2012 00:37 - United States - Danby

Today, I realized that I'm a terrible human being. For the first time in my life, I gave some change to a homeless guy, but only so he'd get out of my face long enough for me to watch two other bums beating the crap out of each other over a sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 460

You deserved it 34 672

By Anonymous - 28/11/2010 20:03 - United States

Today, my friend peed her pants while we were sledding. I could feel it trickling down into my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 548

You deserved it 2 927

By Raiders4ever - 21/10/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 395

You deserved it 24 986

Immersive experience

By Stormy - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, after a long and tiring day at work, I went to the movies, where I loaded up on soda, popcorn, and candy, and settled in to enjoy the movie. I ended up falling asleep and being woken up two hours later by an usher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 236

You deserved it 8 413

By Anonymous - 13/04/2012 10:32 - United States - Singapore

Today, I was bragging about how I had lost 10 pounds. Grinning, I pulled my shirt up and tried to show how big my jeans were on me. Instead, the button flew off my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 861

You deserved it 30 282

Friends?

By notliked - 01/10/2009 10:33 - United States

Today, on Facebook, I realized I had over 500 friends. I told my one friend and she changed her status to, "How can Dan have over 500 Facebook friends? Nobody even likes him." It got 42 likes and twenty comments that basically said, "Agreed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 874

You deserved it 12 365

By sheilob - 24/03/2012 23:06 - Australia - Camden

Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 632

You deserved it 6 325

Gettin' some

By Username - 01/05/2011 08:20 - United States

Today, I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor beside the bed and got up to walk my boyfriend's dog. After several trips around the block, and plenty of strange looks, I got back upstairs and saw the used condom stuck to my sleeve from the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 515

You deserved it 46 436

By Tiana - 09/01/2012 01:51 - United States

Today, I asked a waiter at a restaurant if I could go in the kitchen to compliment the chef. She turned out to be really pretty, so trying to be cool, I leaned back onto what I thought was a table. It turned out to be a stove, and my shirt caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 009

You deserved it 36 927

By Trapped. - 06/11/2013 02:53 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 974

You deserved it 11 619

By ToInsecure4me - 10/11/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I had to stay late at work. My husband made me take a video of myself punching out, to prove I wasn't cheating on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 048

You deserved it 6 449

Ready to rumble

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Saint John

Today, I got in a heated fight and ended up being punched in the jaw. The fight was about Harry Potter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 220

You deserved it 21 694

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 16:46 - United States

Today, I spent three hours getting ready to go out to lunch with my boyfriend, only to find out he meant we're going to the McDonald's inside Wal-Mart so he can also pick up condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 682

You deserved it 9 981

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I got a promotion because my boss “accidentally” had sex with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 878

You deserved it 412

Today, a friend was put on suicide watch when her parents wouldn't pay $500 for a premium senior picture package. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 607

You deserved it 4 423

Today, despite being hearing impaired, I just spent an hour on the phone with Comcast setting up my mom's internet, because my sister who hears fine is "too busy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 89

Today, I was wearing a black shirt, black pants, and a black beanie at a grocery store. I came around a corner, bumped into a woman and she screamed, "Murderer." I was immediately thrown out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 729

You deserved it 10 121

Today, I got dumped during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 562

You deserved it 9 872

Today, I had to put my cat down. I raised her from a kitten and called her "my little Pumpkin Seed." Unfortunately, we are entering Fall and thus the very beginning of the pumpkin spice/pumpkin decorating season. Everywhere I look I'm reminded of her. I used to love Fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 459

You deserved it 112