Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to... - FML

By H-B - 28/4/2009 08:53 - United States

Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML

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Understandable

Delayed proposal

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 8/2/2013 15:36 - United States

Today, I found a cup full of urine in the bathtub. No one in my family knows where it came from. This is the second time it's happened. FML

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By cuntocracy - 21/1/2014 22:27 - Australia

Today, my brother asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. I stupidly said yes and now have a black eye from where he punched me. My dad thinks it's hilarious and my mum says he didn't know any better. He's 13. FML

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By fuckmee - 1/8/2017 05:00

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend a few years after I slept with his boss and got him fired. He is now a multi-millionaire investor and won't take me back. FML

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By John - 1/4/2017 08:00 - United States

Today, I attended a formal dinner with donors to my university. While looking at a much older lady's nametag to see who she was, I was publicly accused of looking at her breasts. Now a bunch of people I was supposed to impress think I'm a pervert. FML

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By Aaron - 27/1/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, some girl from Colorado called me. She knew my name. My Facebook. I had no idea how she got my number. She then asks me out. I say "sure" sarcastically. She then calls my girlfriend, who also lives in Colorado. Our relationship is now over. FML

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By trash80 - 21/2/2018 19:00

This is why we shop online!

Today, while checking out at Target, I had the choice of standing behind one lady or a long line. Naturally, I chose the former. Half an hour later, the long line had completely passed, and I was still standing behind the lady, who was now arguing with the cashier. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2012 02:08 - United States

Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single and jobless. FML

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By meowcat101 - 21/8/2010 04:05 - Canada

Today, my dad decided to take me to play golf to relieve the stress of recovering from a bad concussion. While teaching me to swing, he hit me in the head. FML

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By walken away - 25/6/2020 23:00

Nice choice

Today I had the dirtiest, kinkiest, most vividly realistic sex dream of my life. I was getting it on with Christopher Walken. FML

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By sandysmith - 18/2/2012 15:49 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was at my house to hang out. When he was leaving I thought it would be cute to run and jump on him to say goodbye. He fell and hit his head. He is now in the hospital with a concussion. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2016 17:29 - United States - Charleston

Today, I woke up to several dead snails and worms all over my bed. I guess that's what my little sister meant yesterday when she said I'd be sorry for not letting her play on my phone. FML

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By saywhat - 26/11/2010 03:28 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house for dinner with his family. His mom cooked up a steak dinner, except that I'm a vegan, but trying to be a good girlfriend, I forced it down. Upon his mother finding out I was a vegan, she called me "disloyal to my beliefs." FML

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By Zooep - 24/10/2016 13:54

Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML

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By australian6196 - 5/2/2014 02:36 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on a road trip through Australia with my dad, we were both complaining that we had yet to see any kangaroos. Suddenly, we saw one up real close. The rental car saw it even closer. FML

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By arthise - 9/10/2013 07:03 - United States - Evansville

Today, my boyfriend won a diamond engagement ring through a citywide competition. Instead of proposing to me, he's selling it. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 01:00

Fast and Furious

Today, my girlfriend were having sex. When I finished, she whispered in my ear, "30 seconds." FML

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By MikeMorin18 - 1/8/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, at work I was talking to a co-worker about what a slacker my manager was, and how all she did was stand around and talk. She was standing behind me the whole time. I now have sore nuts due to a direct hit from a broom handle. FML

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By Author - 24/2/2014 22:22 - United States - Naples

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Devastated, I told my dad about it, hoping he'd help cheer me up. His advice was, "Just rub one out son, you'll feel better in no time." Thanks dad. FML

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By CantPublish - 15/1/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, during swimming in PE, I kept noticing a stinging feeling on my scrotum. Every time I jumped into the water I would feel a sharp stab. After the full hour of hell, I went to the bathroom and looked in my new trunks. The designer had left their sewing needle in the crotch netting. FML

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By Tiana - 29/1/2012 02:34 - Canada

Today, I was watching a movie in the basement with my boyfriend when we started to get a little frisky. My mom walks down with dirty laundry and tells him to stop it because I'm creaming all over my undies. She showed him a pair of dirty ones to prove it. FML

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By Lil_bit - 4/1/2010 05:05 - France

Today, I backed into our new garage door. The same new garage door that we purchased because I broke our old one by backing into it. FML

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By nerp - 29/3/2016 19:44 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a stranger had a go at me for smoking while pregnant. I'm a guy. FML

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By klynn267 - 9/5/2012 11:03 - United States - Portland

Today, I switched cell phone service providers, hoping to upgrade. After working out the details and picking a phone in the store, I got home to find my brand new cell can't get a signal in my house. I already signed the two year contract. FML

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By brokeass - 13/6/2012 12:29 - United States

Today, I called the landlord about the mouse I keep seeing in my kitchen. He wasted no time accusing me of keeping it as a pet, and went off on me about his "no pets" policy. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2016 23:21 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to give up going to a therapist because it was too expensive and my parents couldn't afford it. Meanwhile, a girl in my class is getting a therapist for her dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML

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By It's Something - 27/10/2017 13:00 - United States - Toledo

Welcome to retail.

Today, I finally got a new job. Now, instead of dealing with trashy, rude young adults all day, I get to deal with self-entitled, berating old people all day. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

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By kkkk - 31/1/2011 15:44

Today, the company I applied for called up congratulating me in getting the job. I was ecstatic. Quickly enough I texted a few mates that I'd got the job. Twenty minutes later they called again saying the trainee had accidentally called the wrong applicant. FML

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By Jay - 2/8/2010 17:23 - United States

Today, I discovered our AOL billing information. Turns out we've been paying for dial-up via automatic bill paying that we thought we cancelled in 2000. $1,800 later, we called to cancel. Customer service congratulated us on being loyal members for over 13 years. FML

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By anon - 30/6/2020 08:02

Parenting

Today, my mom volunteered me to watch her cousin’s 7-year-old daughter overnight. She’s a nice kid, but sadly the mom has babied her so much that she literally can’t do a thing for herself. She needed help wiping, bathing and even brushing her teeth. Her mom does it all and never taught her differently. FML

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By serverdessert - 8/3/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

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By CashChamp20 - 17/8/2011 06:19 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got a necklace from one of her guy friends. She loves it. It's a heart shaped necklace. She doesn't see a problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2018 14:30

Today, after my live-in boyfriend decided to take a few days away due to a fight, I found out he's been staying with and sleeping with my aunt. I just lost a relative and a man all in one shot. FML

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By smashyonewfloors - 31/8/2013 04:44 - Canada - High River

Today, my crew and I were berated by a client for not installing her new hardwood floor on time. We were only halfway through the day, but apparently it should have only taken "like, an hour?" because "The guys on the TV shows do it that fast." FML

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By moe - 15/2/2011 03:07 - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a Happy Valentine's day was a wrong number calling my cell phone. FML

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By - 24/1/2017 18:00

Today, I went paint-balling with my girlfriend. As we drove she was scared about getting shot a lot, especially in the head. I reassured her that with all the protective gear it was unlikely. First round, within a minute, she gets shot 3 times in the back of the head. FML

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By DDubs - 8/1/2010 03:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that I have fallen for the most amazing girl. She's good looking, has a great personality, she's funny and is a hit with all my friends but she doesn't seem to realise she has a body odor problem. FML

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By Anonymoose - 19/8/2016 20:06

Today, I was in a public toilet. I looked down and realised someone in the stall next to me was peeing on my foot underneath the divider. They didn't even attempt to aim for the toilet bowl. FML

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By AmySweet - 18/8/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, my husband bought me a cinnamon roll because my blood sugar was dangerously low. My first bite was easily the most delicious thing I'd eaten since getting pregnant. As I sat in frosting coated ecstasy, my husband snatched up the rest of the pastry and finished it himself. FML

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By crub - 5/3/2009 15:10 - United States

Today, I had my quarterly review with my supervisor at the warehouse I work at. He told me I was doing great and we discussed my raise. After I left his office, his supervisor told me I was being fired for my attendance. The last time I missed work was to attend a funeral. Five months ago. FML

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Top comments

By lelo_lala | 0

#151185 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:05

You deserve it, you drove drunk, and put a girl in a neck brace, I hope you never get laid.

By eric237 | 0

#151182 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:05

this fml makes you sound like a rapist

COMMENTS

By LockonStratos_fml | 3

#151180 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:05

YDI, never do anything drunk. NEVER! Especially with a woman that you love.

Reply

ccftw | 0

#981373 - Sunday 18 April 2010 11:53

ouch!! D:

Reply

MrBond007_fml | 6

#2001191 - Monday 24 January 2011 9:21

I say ydi because you loved a woman, thatcan never end well

Reply

MrBond007_fml | 6

#2001205 - Monday 24 January 2011 9:22

I feel like I should elaborate, love makes you do stupid things

Reply

live2swim | 5

#3835703 - Thursday 5 January 2012 21:57

1. Bad idea to ever get drunk on a first date
2. Why were you driving if u were tht drunk....

Reply

TurnpikeTwister | 0

#4109398 - Thursday 1 March 2012 6:43

What the Hell OP, you're lucky if she even speaks to you again...

Reply

gree_fml | 11

#4977444 - Thursday 27 September 2012 11:21

He'd be lucky if she's ever able to turn her neck again...

By eric237 | 0

#151182 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:05

this fml makes you sound like a rapist

Reply

sexynerdsquad | 2

#3906774 - Thursday 19 January 2012 3:13

he probably is ?

By lelo_lala | 0

#151185 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:05

You deserve it, you drove drunk, and put a girl in a neck brace, I hope you never get laid.

By arstef90 | 5

#151187 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:05

how drunk were you? that's a TERRIBLE idea!1

By kspy | 0

#151190 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:06

when is twisting someone's head EVER a good idea? YDI idiot.

Reply

Tigertnt | 0

#999399 - Thursday 20 May 2010 22:13

when its a...
FATALITY!!

Reply

elegantlywasted1 | 3

#1013539 - Monday 31 May 2010 9:13

hahaha hopefully it doesn't sound like it was a flawless victory :-p

By Jaywin | 3

#151192 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

imperfections55 | 1

#4600356 - Friday 22 June 2012 17:21

Wow, so you dont love your mother? Or how about your best friend? Love is an emotion there is no rule book about when it can be applied.

Reply

SammyS2012 | 21

#5051260 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 5:09

I loved my boyfriend before we started dating. 3 years later I still feel the same

By rose5171 | 0

#151193 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:07

oh god hope she was drunk too so it didnt hurt her as much :-p

nice going...do you still have a gf after that?!!

By LockonStratos_fml | 3

#151206 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:09

#2

Why is everything a guy does to surprise a woman rape these days?

* pushed my gf in a hot make out session against the wall to imitate the movie scenes.

- THAT'S RAPE CALL THE COPS!!!!!!!!!

* Did some domination sex and knocked out my gf

- THAT'S RAPE CALL THE COPS!!!

The 2nd one I never read here, but jeez lay off with the rape accusations. Especially as something as normal as a surprise kiss on a date.....

By mikaela33194 | 0

#151209 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:09

Maybe she should brace herself for your kisses.

Reply

rebekahah | 7

#2265668 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:41

hahaha!!!!

By RHOPKINS13 | 2

#151210 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:09

It had to be done...

Today, I went out with a guy who I really love. We arrived at my house and before I got out of the car, he attempted to kiss me. Still drunk, he grabbed my head and twisted it when he kissed me. I'm now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML

Yeah, that's definitely a F Her Life.