Miscellaneous: Today, my friend thought it would be funny to put a pretzel on... - FML

By joe1234 - 17/07/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to put a pretzel on my forehead while I was sleeping on the beach. I now have a pretzel-shaped tan line in the middle of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 778

You deserved it 9 710

Another great day to be alive

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By Anonymous - 10/04/2009 01:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was reminded that I used by dad's camera all summer to take naked pictures for boyfriend when my dad sent me an email saying: "FYI: when you delete pictures directly off the camera they get uploaded as trash files when the camera is connected to the computer." He saw them all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 019

You deserved it 85 106

By hatemylife - 19/07/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, a group of girl-scouts came to my door selling chocolate bars. I bought 2 bars and smiled as they left, thinking I'd done a good deed. When the door closed, I heard one of the girls say, "Told you, the fat bitches always wanna buy from us." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 876

You deserved it 6 902

A heads up next time maybe?

By Bob - 07/04/2020 02:00

Spicy

Today, when my girlfriend walked out the room, for a laugh, I covered my whole body except my knob in blankets. Then when I heard her come back in, I yelled, "Surprise!" It was her mom, who'd dropped by unannounced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 027

You deserved it 838

By bunnylover - 15/03/2010 16:44 - Canada

Today, my dad and I were in the car when a rabbit scurried across the road, just missing us. My dad turned and said to me, "Well, it's good we didn't hit him. He gets to live another day." I then looked in the rear view mirror to see the rabbit running away from the cross traffic, only to be hit by the car behind us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 026

You deserved it 3 481

By justinj360 - 22/06/2011 04:59 - United States

Today, my dad informed me that I will be staying in the bug-infested shed for the summer when I come to visit, due to his girlfriend's sewing workspace completely taking over the only room I've ever had at his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 698

You deserved it 2 592

By XxFA1LxX - 22/07/2012 13:57 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my neighbors bought a signal scrambler to stop their kids from going on the internet at night. Too bad it blocks my internet too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 299

You deserved it 2 497

By Anonymous - 27/09/2011 02:26 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is getting back together with his crazy alcoholic ex-wife who frequently cheated on him. In addition to this news, I also found out that he maxed out all my credit cards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 605

You deserved it 4 860

By Badlucked - 03/05/2019 06:00 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I spent almost an hour cleaning and scrubbing the inside of my fridge. Just when I'd finished putting everything back inside, I tipped over the open milk carton. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 715

You deserved it 367

By alynna007 - 02/01/2013 10:31 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I overheard my mother telling my sister that she expects my marriage to fall apart any day now. Apparently, I have no concept of what "marriage" really means. My husband and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary, while my mother is planning her 5th wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 272

You deserved it 2 300

Size Queen

By Anonymous - 05/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, I was hooking up with a girl, but when she got my pants down, she got mad and left, saying she was gonna kill her sister who lied to her about me having a large penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 167

You deserved it 130

Walk on the wild side

By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 07:01 - United States - Tyler

Today, I had to go get my fiancé's car so it wouldn't get impounded after he was arrested at 12 a.m. and charged with a felony. I just got out of prison in March, and we get married next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 615

You deserved it 3 117

Wear your masks

By Breath of fresh air - 03/08/2020 17:01

Today, after 3 months of no Coronavirus in my state, two stupid cunts have to failed to self-isolate and restarted the lockdown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 650

You deserved it 337

City boy

By Anonymous - 29/06/2021 00:01

Today, my boyfriend realised that I’m from the part of Louisiana where we hunt gators for food, and dumped me because he doesn’t want to be a city boy who ends up fathering redneck kids, and having to sail through swamps to visit the in-laws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 148

By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 20:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that I'd left my clothes in my roommate's bedroom. After returning from a night of heavy drinking, I apparently got up to use the bathroom and used her room as a toilet. I don't remember this, but pee stains don't lie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 302

You deserved it 30 237

By Bl6122 - 02/02/2017 21:00 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mom received a condolence card from my high school's alumni association for my recent passing. I'm still alive! FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 089

You deserved it 684

By lanaoftherey - 02/06/2015 21:30 - United States

Today, I went to get my car washed at one of those places where you can watch through the glass. I watched in horror, face pressed against the glass, as my car went through with the window down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 021

You deserved it 15 908

By youmindyourownbusiness - 15/02/2013 05:53 - United States - Genoa

Today, I walked past a few of my coworkers sitting outside smoking. As I got a whiff of the smoke, I coughed. They immediately started to defend their habit, and I was told to "mind my own fucking business." I wasn't trying to be rude; I'm actually allergic to cigarette smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 153

You deserved it 4 125

By Anonymous - 09/05/2015 20:50

Today, my drunk grandma flashed me, after confusing me, a 19 year old girl, for my grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 832

You deserved it 2 340

By helpme - 23/11/2015 17:00 - United States - Annapolis

Today, I started dreaming about being at work. I already work more hours a week than I requested, and I live right across from my work and can see it out my window. I can never leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 306

You deserved it 2 084

But mah freedumbs!

By Anonymous - 12/04/2013 10:23 - Canada

Today, I was screamed at and told that I was denying someone's "second amendment" by not letting him through with a gun. I work at the border; he was trying to enter Canada. This is not the first time, and it probably won't be the last. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 901

You deserved it 5 249

By Anonymous - 30/09/2012 17:57 - Germany - Hagen

Today, I was babysitting a six year old girl, when I saw a huge spider on the wall. I screamed and told her to stay back. Instead, she walked up to the spider, squished it, and told me to stop being such a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 402

You deserved it 31 148

By kenken5 - 19/06/2019 01:51

Spicy

Today, I had my first sexual experience since going through a rough break up a month ago. The guy finished after 60 seconds of a blow job and then didn’t return the favor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 201

You deserved it 343

By socially awkward cupcake - 16/02/2017 15:52

Today, a guy I like tried to talk to me. I got so nervous that I had a panic attack and puked in front of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 670

You deserved it 362

By Sickofbeingsick - 01/10/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, after a week of staying in at night and fighting off a persistent cold, I was finally feeling well again, so I decided to go to my boyfriend's work BBQ. I got food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 782

You deserved it 2 824

By boblaj - 22/05/2012 16:11 - United Kingdom - Hastings

Today, I took the day off work to be with my wife, since she's always bemoaning my lack of romantic gestures. As thanks, she spent most of the day reading Fifty Shades of Grey, which is basically a blatant plagiarism of Twilight, starring a pair of two-dimensional BDSM freaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 792

You deserved it 4 009

By LadyLuck - 10/05/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I went to go visit my beloved husband in the hospital. As I went past the nurses station, I heard them talking about the "bastard in Room 303." I went on to visit my husband in room 303. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 842

You deserved it 5 359

By moosemay - 14/01/2016 15:05 - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, my husband taught our son how to pee while standing. His aim is as poor as my husband's, but I guess now they can blame their mess on each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 494

You deserved it 1 800

Nice mental image

By Maggie - 17/03/2020 17:00

Today, I had no choice but to unclog a toilet with my bare hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 582

You deserved it 302

By daughter in law - 08/11/2016 06:05 - United States

Today, my husband and I finally had the house to ourselves, so we had unusually loud sex. Banging bed, yelling obscenities, super rowdy, etc. I then see my mother-in-law out the window. She had let herself in, dropped off a bag and apparently ran out. Thanksgiving is going to be weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 563

You deserved it 1 422

By Chelsea - 27/02/2013 22:39 - United States - Aurora

Today, I walked outside to this guy attempting to steal my bike. When I asked him what he was doing he calmly replied, "I'm a bike inspector. You hooked your chain all wrong! This time is a warning; next time it'll be a ticket!" He then threw his full, opened Pepsi can at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 889

You deserved it 2 653

By Anonymous - 12/04/2014 05:24 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend, his response was, "I'll start watching pregnant porn to build up an attraction to it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 764

You deserved it 8 375

By Anonymous - 15/06/2014 00:34 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I started my job as a driving instructor. My first client showed up piss drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 135

You deserved it 4 226

By Lyingg - 05/10/2011 20:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a job interview. The only moment I impressed the interviewer was when I talked about drama. He started to talk about a play I hadn't seen, but I decided to agree on everything he was saying. Suddenly he said, "the play doesn't actually exist." I silently left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 216

You deserved it 38 778

By Anonymous - 28/11/2009 22:23 - United States

Today, I felt fairly depressed about being single for the holidays during work. This cute girl came to my register asking about our sales ad. After telling her we had no copies, she asked for my number. I shouted: "Finally, someone wants to go out with me." She wanted the store's number to call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 105

You deserved it 49 487

Got it

By Anonymous - 24/04/2021 23:00

Today, my ex asked me if I would reconsider a future with him. I said, “Only if we can learn to communicate effectively." He said, “Good talk, this time you actually got through to me.” Then he ceased all communication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 122

By fleatitting fame - 04/07/2014 21:30 - Norway - Oslo

Today, a guy told me that I look like Angelina Jolie. Before I could thank him, he continued, "I mean like in the chest area. After the mastectomy, you know?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 864

You deserved it 3 776

Huge fan of his work

By [email protected] - 25/02/2009 07:42 - Canada

Today, I forgot my work clothes at home, so my boss gave me a jacket with a name patch that said "Mike". Still wearing my work clothes, I ran into my ex-girlfriend on my way home. We were together for five years, until she dumped me for a guy name Mike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 142

You deserved it 4 342

By Anonymous - 04/02/2018 19:00

Today, my wife of 6 years came out as a lesbian. I moved out of state and away from family to start a new life with her. Turns out she's attracted to my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 811

You deserved it 355

Sensitive subject

By Anonymous - 23/07/2021 10:01 - Australia - Warrnambool

Today, whilst working in a law firm, I took a call from a criminal, demanding that we apply for bail as he didn't like being in jail. When I tried to explain no one likes being in jail, he became angry and hung up the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 699

You deserved it 138

By new 2 twitter - 10/01/2017 23:23

Today, I had to make a Twitter account, because that is apparently the best way to get news from our new president. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 544

You deserved it 1 564

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Top comments

shoeofallcosmos 0

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Friday 17 July 2009 9:52

Hey, that's cool! Why don't we have a "screw you that's awesome" button?

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Friday 17 July 2009 9:53

lmao. your friend is awesome.

Comments

shoeofallcosmos 0

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Friday 17 July 2009 9:52

Hey, that's cool! Why don't we have a "screw you that's awesome" button?

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Friday 17 July 2009 10:40

There should definitely be a button like that!

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Friday 17 July 2009 12:23

YDI for having friends, you should socially isolate yourself.

grlwitperlEring 0

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Friday 17 July 2009 14:20

Agreed that's pretty much exactly what I thought when I read it

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Friday 17 July 2009 23:57

yea that button wold be cool but i think in this case her friend is awesome for doing that!!!

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Saturday 18 July 2009 0:12

Now, I don't care who you are, that right there is funny.

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Sunday 19 July 2009 5:15

#1 : AGREED! lol and your friend is a genius!!!

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Thursday 18 February 2010 8:40

I would have totally thanked your friend for doing that for me.

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Monday 2 August 2010 3:49

Wow, admit it you would be slighty pissed. But this FML is hilarious!

rachelmacivor 0

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Sunday 9 January 2011 5:27

we should hava my life is worse button

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Monday 17 October 2016 2:10

#137 I believe that's for FMyLife: Narcissism/Pessimism edition.

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Friday 17 July 2009 9:53

lmao. your friend is awesome.

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Friday 17 July 2009 10:45

I agree haha! That's freaking hilarious! But still...I clicked FYL so you can feel a little better ;)

insanechinaman 0

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Saturday 18 July 2009 18:39

who doesnt want a pretzel shaped tan line :D

clarinetgarza 0

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Sunday 14 March 2010 7:38

that's a pretty cool idea XD

whoisthisgirl 4

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Friday 22 October 2010 8:54

that is so amazing lol winnnnn

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Friday 17 July 2009 9:55

awwww poor you.

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Friday 17 July 2009 9:58

AHAHHAHAHAHHA xD

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Friday 17 July 2009 9:59

that sucks. lol.

beenhereallalong 0

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Friday 17 July 2009 10:01

use some fake tan to cover it up :)

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Friday 17 July 2009 10:06

Nah. OP should use some fake tan to DRAW a pretzel outline onto their friend's forhead while they're asleep.

beenhereallalong 0

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Friday 17 July 2009 11:29

no. fail.

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Saturday 18 July 2009 7:40

no. you fail. because that was a great idea. dillhole.

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Friday 17 July 2009 10:02

thats hilarious,but it does suck

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Friday 17 July 2009 10:03

do you know the cheetos/ seagull girl? fyl

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Friday 17 July 2009 10:24

my thoughts exactly

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Friday 17 July 2009 16:56

hahah thats why you should NEVER fall asleep at the beach! nothing good ever happens!

donovanrammstein 3

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Friday 17 July 2009 18:05

summer means one thing - beaches and food-related mishaps!

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Friday 17 July 2009 20:39

Haha, that's what I was thinking too! You either get fried or someone does something awful to you... its funny when it happens to someone else, but I would sure be pissed if someone did it to me... that's why I dont go to the beach!

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Friday 17 July 2009 10:05

HAHA xD

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Friday 17 July 2009 10:06

That's a knee-slapper. It also sounds like something I would do.

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 18

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 675

You deserved it 148

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 411

You deserved it 101