The Top

hey guys, I didn't have room to write this in my post, but I was visiting another town 60 minutes away from mine, so I couldn't just go home and wait, and the office was closed that day so I couldn't wait there bebcause no one would be there until the orthodontist arrived. So I was pretty much out of luck :p

By DisgustinglyFrustrated - 10/10/2013 15:40 - Argentina - Rosario

Today, I was talking dirty to my long-distance lover while touching myself, when a cockroach fell from my ceiling and landed on the hand I was molesting myself with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 277

You deserved it 18 038

By anonymous - 29/01/2011 12:41 - Australia

Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. Afterwards, she informed me I would look a lot hotter if I smiled more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 851

You deserved it 8 982

By rene - 22/08/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, it was my birthday, and my kids gave me my car keys I had "lost" a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 895

You deserved it 3 371

The art, the artist

By waltzy777 - 26/04/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, we were having a family get together at my house. Because of this, I had to mow our lawn to make sure it looked nice. I got a little bored and decided it would be funny to cut a rather large penis into my yard. Right when I'd finished, I ran out of gas. My 83 year-old grandmother saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 617

You deserved it 83 073

By GrannyAt22 - 22/06/2010 01:28 - Canada

Today, I had to buy a wrist brace for a repetitive strain injury. I got the injury because I was knitting too much. I'm 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 955

You deserved it 26 876

What have you been up to?

By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 07:08 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 873

You deserved it 3 814

You snooze, you lose

By Homeless - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my fiancé and I toured our dream home. I was so excited about it that I posted all kinds of pictures of it on Facebook. My boss's daughter just called and said she loved my pictures so much that she made an offer on the house. We were one week away from making an offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 476

You deserved it 34 751

By Anonymous - 19/09/2011 02:16 - United States

Today, I went to evening Mass. I later found that sometime between entering the church and receiving Communion, someone had snatched my iPhone straight out of my handbag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 290

You deserved it 5 381

By TheStripedBeatle - 26/06/2011 01:27 - United States

Today, I went to a party and we all decided to play hide-and-go-seek despite our ages. I started counting. When I was done, I started searching and after 5 minutes of searching, I found that everyone left me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 031

You deserved it 6 857

TheStripedBeatle tells us more.

TheStripedBeatle 9

Sunday 26 June 2011 14:27

To clarify, they left me. They weren't even hiding.

By blondie - 24/03/2009 23:10 - Australia

Today, I was trying to convince my boyfriend that I am NOT a dumb blonde. After screaming at the top of my lungs, I tripped over a bin and hit my head on a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 041

You deserved it 88 101

By frame - 20/03/2009 15:08 - Canada

Today, I was walking my husky when she saw a cat and bolted toward it. I couldn't let go of the leash because my hand was tangled up. Forced to run along, I ran into a parked van at full sprint. I lost my dog, broke two ribs and have to pay for the dent in the van. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 183

You deserved it 10 305

By asstomouth - 29/05/2010 18:20 - France

Today, I wasn't feeling well, so I took my temperature with a thermometer from my sister's bathroom. I later found out that I actually used my sister's rectal thermometer. At least I don't have a fever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 132

You deserved it 9 640

Sink-dodger alert!

By penpendesrapen - 11/03/2010 00:40 - Philippines

Today, I went to the bathroom to take a piss. While washing my hands, I heard someone taking a large dump in one of the stalls. When he was finished, he left the bathroom without washing his hands. Turns out he was the IT guy I called to fix my computer. He sat down on my chair and used my keyboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 418

You deserved it 2 505

By Henry - 06/02/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I realized that the only food I have is four months' worth of nutrisystem food from when my parents went on the nutrisystem diet. I am not able to secure a job and buy my own food, so I have two choices: die of starvation or die of nasty nutrisystem food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 418

You deserved it 8 981

By Eet- - 13/10/2011 19:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 220

You deserved it 4 269

You OK dude?

By kvdfan - 27/08/2012 12:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to see me after almost a month of us not spending time together. Unfortunately, he came straight from bar-hopping with his friends and was wasted. He's currently naked in bed, cooing at his penis, and giggling like a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 345

You deserved it 3 522

By whywouldyoudothat - 07/10/2014 01:14 - United States - Kingman

Today, while on vacation, my parents called to inform me that my best friend had died in a car accident. Why? To trick me into tearfully confessing my love for him. It worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 454

You deserved it 4 845

2019x tells us more.

2019x 5

Wednesday 8 October 2014 2:38

Are you gay?

What are you doing here then?

By Nikki - 27/07/2012 13:45 - United States - Newark

Today, my live-in-boyfriend lost his job. Jokingly, I told him that we weren't going to have sex until he found a new job. He then turned to me with the most excited look I have ever seen on his face and said, "I'm going to stay unemployed forever!" He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 003

You deserved it 9 283

Fortunate Son

By Anonymous - 03/05/2012 23:35 - United States - Wichita

Today, I had a look at the pictures my mom took during my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Every single one is of my sister. Her lighting the candles, her watching me open presents, and her eating cake. The only pictures of me are in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 985

You deserved it 1 968

By grossfoot - 31/08/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, while getting on the subway, I tripped over the gap between the train and the platform. My flip-flop caught on the edge, and fell into the gap. I had to walk home with one flip-flop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 942

You deserved it 9 446

By superfkd - 15/03/2009 02:27 - Canada

Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 937

You deserved it 70 284

Alexa, play "Medication" by Spiritualized

By In Pain - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had gum surgery. I can't laugh. I can't smile. I can't talk. I can't eat. All I can do is wait for the pain medication to kick in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 261

You deserved it 2 723

By maggie - 30/11/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, I got a round brush stuck in my hair so badly that I couldn't get it out for 45 minutes, and had a panic attack. I had to drive through town with a brush dangling from my head, to the hair salon, and listen to them laugh while they got it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 815

You deserved it 8 898

Freakout

By Pk45 - 11/11/2011 15:37 - United Kingdom

Today, my young son wanted to rent some movie with talking animals in it for us to watch together. I couldn't say no, but talking animal movies freak me out big time, I either start to cry or feel nauseous. Especially ones with dogs. What is wrong with me? FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 922

You deserved it 8 291

By Deconstructed - 19/05/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, my husband let me sleep in while he worked on the landscaping by our backyard pool. Ready for a shower, I stripped naked, opened the back door to let the dog out, and stepped out to ask him how it was going. Turns out he'd finally hired a landscaping crew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 115

You deserved it 28 011

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Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 386

You deserved it 29 529

Today, my clumsiness reached a whole level when I hit myself in the face with a hammer hard enough for blood to come out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 388

You deserved it 199

Today, I decided to get back in shape so I went swimming. I only managed 10 lengths and was completely out of breath. I was so embarrassed that when a lifeguard asked me if I was OK, I made up a story about a leg injury as a reason to leave only 15 minutes after I got in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 539

You deserved it 2 337

Today, my brother was officially diagnosed with gigantism. According to the specialist doctor, he'll probably be 8 feet tall, if not taller. Hearing this, my brother looked at me and said, "Remember when you used to pick on me for being smaller than you? Karma's a bitch, ain't it?" I’m so screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 637

You deserved it 2 328

Today, I got served paperwork stating that my ex-fiancée is suing me again for child support. About 7 years ago, I proved via DNA testing within the court system that I was not the father the first time. I see a talk show in my future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 234

You deserved it 2 924

Today, my dad's last words before he fell into a coma, and later died, were about how he wanted to stick his face in the ass of his 20-something nurse and motorboat her cheeks. I had to lie to my mother and say that his last words were that he wanted to see her again before the end. Thanks dad, NOT. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 201