Animals: Today, after 2 years together, my boyfriend finally proposed....

By birdguts - United Kingdom

Today, after 2 years together, my boyfriend finally proposed. I excitedly said yes. Just as we began to kiss, my half crazed cat ran in, dropped a half eaten bird at our feet, and promptly threw up on the carpet. FML

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Animals

Season finale

Empathy

On a leash

By epicfail - United States

Today, I went to a local concert. The singer from my favorite band stage-dived and I got to catch him. Unfortunately I was the only one to catch him. The next thing I know I'm pinned between him and the concrete floor as he finishes whatever part of the song he was on. He was fine, I hit my head. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my family was watching a football game and kept mentioning their team's quarterback's name and, as I'm not a football fan by any means, asked them who this was. My grandma then turned to me and said, "This is why you don't have a boyfriend." FML

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By Teenagegirl - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML

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By wheel 4

Today, I went out with my best friend, his girlfriend, and a girl they've been wanting to introduce to me. I thought they wanted to set us up, but it turns out they're a throuple and wanted me to be the first to know. I think I'm the first fourth wheel in history. FML

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By zachhewett - United States - Birmingham

Today, at my job drug testing high schoolers, I see that one of the kids selected for the testing looked incredibly high. So, after he goes in the bathroom and gives me his cup with his urine inside, I take a closer look and see that the little shit jizzed in the cup. I hate my job. FML

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By Wet dreamer

Today, I slept in my boyfriend's room for the first time. I also wet the bed for the first time in a decade. FML

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By two-hours-to-pick-up - Australia

Today, I was in a fancy department store. I was wearing my travel backpack. I was turning around after paying at the checkout and my backpack hit a metre-tall display covered with necklaces. It went crashing to the floor, hitting another display table laden with jewelry that collapsed under it. FML

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By NotTheFavoriteChild

Today, I asked my mom if she wanted to go wedding dress shopping with me today. She reluctantly said, "I guess". I showered, shaved and did my hair and makeup. When I came downstairs, she hadn't even brushed her teeth yet. "I'm just lacking motivation to go," she said. Glad you're so excited too. FML

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By IngenuityAbsent - Canada - Grimsby

Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML

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By Loser - Canada

Today, I decided to modify my resume since I've handed out over 30 of them in the past couple of weeks and I haven't gotten any calls back. As soon as I opened it on word document, I noticed that I had forgotten to include my phone number for employers to contact me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I told my boyfriend of ten months that I'm not ready for marriage. A few hours later he proposed at my grandma's 85th birthday party. She cried when I said no. FML

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By dentistrygirl - United States

Today, while I was sneaking a boy out of my room at 2am, I ran into my mom sneaking a man into her room. FML

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By AlyCo55

Today, I found out two of my rats are pregnant. The breeder told us that all of them were male, only one ended up being male. I now have 20+ rat babies on the way and no idea how to take care of them. FML

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By don’tletthembite - 4/5/2020 02:00

Gifts for the whole family

Today, my trucker husband brought home roses for me, toys for the kids and bedbugs for the whole house. FML

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By { o } - United States - Miami

Today, an old man approached me at work. I smiled and asked, "Hi, can I help you"? He looked at me for a few seconds before replying, "Fuck me, you need to lose some weight!" and then wandering off. FML

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By Dx - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my usual. After putting the baby to sleep I put some popcorn in the microwave and went to the bathroom. When I came out the whole kitchen was filled with smoke. One of the neighbors saw and called 911. I'm out of a job. FML

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13199

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By GeofftyGeoff

Today, my former boss, a landlord, came through on his "parting gift" to me. I thought he was joking when he said he'd send a deranged tenant of ours cross-country by bus to stay with me for a week. It wasn't a joke. Send help. FML

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2022

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By T - France

Today, I got the guts to call my dad for the first time in nine years. He said he "almost didn't remember" he "had another daughter." Another? FML

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35743

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By Boyufd - 2/1/2021 08:00

Forever alone man

Today, I feel so lonely I talked to the likely scam number that called me. Even then they hung up after 2 minutes of talking to me. FML

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698

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By snownerd - United States

Today, while I was shopping, I saw my old friend from high school. After a bit of talking, I ended up giving her my phone number. I wrote it on an old receipt. Little did I remember, the receipt was from when I bought lube and condoms. FML

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By LimpMcgee - United States

Today, I went to go use an automatic cart in Walmart because I broke my hip in January. They were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store. I asked a manager if she could get me one, but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip. FML

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41039

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By meg the mighty

Today, it's been 3 days since my husband decided he really wanted to try the surstromming challenge. I can still smell that shit all through my house even with all the doors and windows open after the stupid bastard took one smell, vomited, and dropped the can on the carpet. FML

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By skidmark - United States

Today, while standing completely still at Walmart, I was hit by a drunk man on a Jazzy Scooter. He laughed, said it was an accident, gunned the scooter and took out two more people. FML

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By Brony - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that everyone in my dorm knows I watch My Little Pony. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, UPS delivered my kinky sex toys to my ex-husband. Apparently the delivery went wrong so they sent it to the last known address. He called to say he got my "package" and I had to go pick it up. FML

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3069

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By Sarah

Today, I had the mole on my neck removed. By my pet bird. FML

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By awkward - Finland

Today, my mom got me a job working for the man she's cheating on my dad with. My dad doesn't know that she's cheating, and my mom doesn't know that I know. It's just awkward. FML

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By ash203 - United States

Not cool

Today, my friend and I got really drunk at the holiday staff party. When I went to work afterwards, everyone gave me the death stare. Apparently, I got so drunk that I flashed my boss's 13-year-old son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was trying on dresses in a stall that requires an employee of the store to have a key to open. After I took off one dress to go to another, an employee quickly opens my door, to give the stall to someone else. The entire store could see me in my granny panties and bra. FML

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By aussiegirl - 15/10/2020 08:02 - Australia - Sydney

Vibe check

Today, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression after being severely bullied and harassed at my workplace. It was also today that my fiancée told me I was “creating really negative vibes.” FML

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1112

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By why me? - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I came home from a long day from work, only to find a strange woman in my apartment. She explained that my roommate told her it was OK to spend a few days here. I guess he forgot that the room was mine. FML

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40554

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By me - United States

Today, I apologized to my boyfriend for thinking he was cheating on me right before another girl posted pictures of them together on her myspace. FML

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By Anthony - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend due to the fact that she's been cheating on me with my best friend for the past year. She said I was overreacting, and to grow a pair. FML

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By raebelle - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went shooting. While I was showing him how to properly hold and adjust a rifle, he accidentally pulled the trigger. The gun kicked back and hit me in the face, breaking my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36555

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By Anonymous - United States - Omaha

Today, my boyfriend convinced me do an Insanity workout with him. I passed out during the warmup. FML

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49926

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By Busted - United Kingdom

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend since I believed him to be cheating on me with another woman, something he adamantly denied. I went to his house to get all my stuff back. After I left, I discovered a silk thong that definitely did not belong to me, in amongst my clothes. FML

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33375

You deserved it

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By Julie is in pain - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I had eight teeth removed in preparation for getting my braces fitted. My winter break will now consists of barely being able to sleep or eat, tasting blood, and looking like a goofy-ass chipmunk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was trying on a shirt and asked my boyfriend if he liked it. He replied, "If I say no, can we still have sex tonight?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a consultation for an upcoming surgery I need done. The doctor (very handsome and in his late twenties) asked me to flex my stomach and act like I was trying to use the bathroom. As I was enjoying him touching my stomach, I fart. FML

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By Nick - Canada

Today, I was talking to this hot girl I have dinner with every week. Lately she’s always telling me how she loves me and I do the same. Today she said: "The way we talk and act around each other, people would think we were dating." My answer was: "Aren't we?". FML

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Top comments

By beastin34 | 0

#2028268 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:06

early wedding gift

By forthepainx3 | 0

#2028247 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:00

aw, how romantic

COMMENTS

By savy7093 | 9

#2028241 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:00

First!!! And your boyfriend proposed. Be happy about that :)

By forthepainx3 | 0

#2028247 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:00

aw, how romantic

agm2010 | 0

#2028478 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:52

yup., really sets the mood.(;

babyale760 | 0

#2028492 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:57

good kitty.
n_n

davidjr_saldana | 0

#2028559 - Monday 31 January 2011 10:21

cats suck anus

alwa7sh | 2

#2028567 - Monday 31 January 2011 10:25

You mean cats lick anus, dogs smell them.

ShadyFTW1 | 0

#2028908 - Monday 31 January 2011 12:52

^win

DenisV95 | 2

#2029261 - Monday 31 January 2011 14:59

ShadyFTW I lol'd at your description. :P

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#2029276 - Monday 31 January 2011 15:04

Rub your cats nose in your poop. Revenge my friend, reveeeennngeee. >:)

Jk. that's cruel :(

breakofdawn1 | 0

#2029327 - Monday 31 January 2011 15:19

35 sucks as much as your profile picture

By shaannonwilding | 0

#2028249 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:01

Ouch, unfortunate. FYL.

hedgerow | 0

#2028757 - Monday 31 January 2011 12:00

YDI.. Kitty not want!

Autoshot | 9

#2035584 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 6:53

It's a sign.

EmreArslan | 11

#3545267 - Saturday 5 November 2011 14:34

How is this unfortunate? Its a nice cat, he brought u guys a present for the wedding and was first to be the witness ;) at least thank him by eating the bird at the wedding :)