Animals: Today, after 2 years together, my boyfriend finally proposed....

By birdguts - United Kingdom

Today, after 2 years together, my boyfriend finally proposed. I excitedly said yes. Just as we began to kiss, my half crazed cat ran in, dropped a half eaten bird at our feet, and promptly threw up on the carpet. FML

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Animals

Mother of the year

The smell detective is on the case

Mama's boy

By datingablonde - Australia - Attadale

Today, I told my girlfriend that my identical twin and I are not in fact related, that he's adopted, and that the only reason we look exactly the same is because we eat and drink the same things. She actually believed it. FML

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By gingerbread - Armenia - Yerevan

Today, I got a little too drunk at my best friend's birthday party and threw up in the pub bathroom. I wiped everything up, composed myself, and went back to the party table before promptly throwing up on myself in front of the whole pub. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My best friend decided to have a birthday party for me at this new bar. She texted the wrong address to all of my friends. They showed up at a computer store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brecksville

Today, I smelled chicken nuggets and asked my boyfriend if he was making some. He wasn't. It was my armpits. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 05:02

Bored

Today, I'm considering working as an escort again, to get some human closeness, have interesting conversations and feel wanted and appreciated. I'm actually in a steady relationship; I guess it’s not a very good one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

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By Kim - United States

Today, I got back a paper after a peer review. I had worked really hard on it over the last week and was proud of the end result. When I got the paper back the only positive comment on the paper was "well I really like the blue staple you used to hold it together." FML

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By Superwoman678 - 27/10/2020 05:01 - Canada

Not a sponsored post, honest

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. This brings me bad news and good news. The bad news, I'm a vegetarian. The good news, I finally know why I've been craving Big Macs for the last two weeks. FML

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504

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom

Hush

Today, after 6 months of my baby sleeping 10 hours through the night, she's now going through sleep regression a week before I return to work. I'm now getting about 3 hours of broken sleep per night. FML

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820

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By Hit-and-Run - Mexico - Ju?rez

Today, after an extensive talk with a relationship counselor, we concluded that I'm more likely to get run over by a car than be in a stable relationship. FML

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By foreveralone - Australia - Perth

Today, someone finally told me that they couldn't live without me and that they love me more than anything. It was a student in my year 1 class. FML

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By milksquad

Today, my roommates adopted two kittens without consulting me. We're not allowed to have pets in our apartment and I'm severely allergic to cats. Oh well, it's not like I needed to be able to breathe this summer. FML

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By pain in my gums - Canada - St. John's

Today, I went to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth removed. The surgeon took a better X-ray to see what he was dealing with before he got started. When he came back into the room, he started to laugh and told me it was my lucky day because in the X-rays he found 2 big extra wisdom teeth. FML

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5886

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By Anonymous

Creeped out

Today, I found out my husband only started to date me because he thinks I look like his daughter. She was 5 at that time. FML

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By bathtime - United States

Today, my boyfriend started freaking out about how his penis floats in water. Baths with him will never be the same again. FML

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30832

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By Binkplugged

Today, I woke up to my husband chuckling. When I asked him what was so funny. He told me that during the night I attempted to shove one of the kids' pacifiers in his mouth. I don't remember this, at all. He thinks it's hysterical. I'm not sure what to think. FML

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By EllieJ

Today, I opened a cupboard and a brick fell on my head. The same brick my mum put up there to "keep it out of the way". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to remove a splinter from one of my roommates. This would have been better if the splinter wasn't deeply lodged in their asscheek. FML

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4719

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By Belgian girl - United States - Lewes

Today, I became my one night stand's shrink as he went through the process of realising he might be bisexual. FML

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5278

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By pkstarstorm - United States

Today, I came out to my dad. He called me weak minded and said that he has never been more disappointed in me. I didn't come out as gay. I came out as a vegetarian. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent the entire day at school being called Meg. My name isn't Meg, so I started to get really annoyed and confused. Later, I found out it was because I look like Meg from the show Family Guy. She's known for being unpopular, unwanted, ugly, and stupid. FML

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39190

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By gabby - Canada

Today, I was on the bus and a woman got on with her 3 young children. I offered her my seat so they could all sit together. When I went to get off the bus I realized I left my bag underneath my old seat. When I tried to get it back the woman hit me and yelled at me for trying to steal her purse. FML

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32587

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my grandma called me spoiled, materialistic, and Americanized for reminding her that she can flush the toilet after she uses it. The family now has a "three pee, one poo" minimum before we're allowed to flush. FML

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By Yo mom - United States

Today, I was screaming at my neighbor to shut his dog up. After 30 minutes of bellowing, he yelled back that it was my dog that was barking. He was right. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 02:01

Shitpants blues

Today, I recently started taking some antidepressants and they have been working really well for me, except for the fact that they have made me crap my pants twice now. Both times in public. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Alexandria Bay

Today, the small plane I was on almost crashed, all because the pilot's girlfriend figured out mid-flight that he's been cheating on her, causing her to start screaming abuse and furiously beating him. FML

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24326

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on my first date in nearly a year. A few minutes into the meal, he called me "scrumptious" and made animal noises for the rest of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom

Pants on fire

Today, I was told by my sister over the dinner table that some guy is telling people I’ve had sex with him; that’s not even the worst part. He’s telling people my sister walked in. One, I haven’t talked to him in years; two, he’s really not my type, three, I’m in a relationship. FML

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By rugs - United States

Today, while moving, I asked my wife where she put the alcohol. She told me she threw it out, because it was old. It was Scotch. It's supposed to be old. FML

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By Anonymous

The walls have ears

Today, I went out for lunch with one of my co-workers. After work, I talked to one of my friends about how unpleasant the lunch was with him. My co-worker was standing behind me listening in the whole time. FML

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By Pokerking98 - United States

Today, while biking I got into a major crash with two cars. The cars were parked. FML

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13250

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By mud - United States - Raleigh

Slippy!

Today, I was on my way to class and it was muddy outside, so I slipped and it looks like I shit myself. I'm wearing white pants. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my girlfriend woefully admitted that she thinks of me more as a brother than as a boyfriend, all while I was still inside her. FML

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42719

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By openended - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I realized that having an open relationship isn't all that great, when my boyfriend hooked up with his ex and dumped me for her. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2021 23:00 - United States - Kissimmee

Investing in the future

Today, after years of being underpaid, I received my first paycheck at my new job. My new employer offers excellent benefits and a 401k. But after I invest in all these wonderful things, and after a $4 an hour pay increase, my net income is less than before. FML

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783

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By Anonymous

FML Uncensored

Today, me and my boyfriend had sex but stopped when I felt pain down stairs. That evening he wanted me to go to the emergency room but I wanted to sleep it off. Turned out I needed surgery. One of my fallopian tubes had ripped. The sex was so rough, I got an intravenous hemorrhage. FML

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6419

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my band and I played at our first ever real gig. Our drummer turned up high out of his damn mind. After ruining our act with his godawful performance, he screamed "HELL YEAH!" then ran and dove off the stage into a nearly non-existent audience. We were told to never come back. FML

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By Savviecat97

Today, I finally got to see the results of the new timesheet I made to make things simpler for both the employees and the managers. Apparently, 75% of them don't know how to read. FML

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1391

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By nolife - United States

Today, I was so bored that I began searching for videos of people popping their pimples. FML

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By lds124 - Canada

Today, I went on a first date with an employee from Sobey's who asked for my number while I was grocery shopping. We decided to each bring a friend. I brought my roommate. He brought his girlfriend. FML

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Top comments

By beastin34 | 0

#2028268 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:06

early wedding gift

By forthepainx3 | 0

#2028247 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:00

aw, how romantic

COMMENTS

By savy7093 | 9

#2028241 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:00

First!!! And your boyfriend proposed. Be happy about that :)

By forthepainx3 | 0

#2028247 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:00

aw, how romantic

agm2010 | 0

#2028478 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:52

yup., really sets the mood.(;

babyale760 | 0

#2028492 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:57

good kitty.
n_n

davidjr_saldana | 0

#2028559 - Monday 31 January 2011 10:21

cats suck anus

alwa7sh | 2

#2028567 - Monday 31 January 2011 10:25

You mean cats lick anus, dogs smell them.

ShadyFTW1 | 0

#2028908 - Monday 31 January 2011 12:52

^win

DenisV95 | 2

#2029261 - Monday 31 January 2011 14:59

ShadyFTW I lol'd at your description. :P

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#2029276 - Monday 31 January 2011 15:04

Rub your cats nose in your poop. Revenge my friend, reveeeennngeee. >:)

Jk. that's cruel :(

breakofdawn1 | 0

#2029327 - Monday 31 January 2011 15:19

35 sucks as much as your profile picture

By shaannonwilding | 0

#2028249 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:01

Ouch, unfortunate. FYL.

hedgerow | 0

#2028757 - Monday 31 January 2011 12:00

YDI.. Kitty not want!

Autoshot | 9

#2035584 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 6:53

It's a sign.

EmreArslan | 11

#3545267 - Saturday 5 November 2011 14:34

How is this unfortunate? Its a nice cat, he brought u guys a present for the wedding and was first to be the witness ;) at least thank him by eating the bird at the wedding :)