Today, I was with my mom and my boyfriend at lunch. My phone... - FML

By NoFriends - 2/8/2009 17:12 - United States

Today, I was with my mom and my boyfriend at lunch. My phone rings and my mom excitedly says "You have friends!" As I'm about to answer it, she pulls out her phone from under the table and says "Kidding, it's just me." My boyfriend starts cracking up, and they exchange a high five. FML

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Season finale

Insane parents

The student becomes the master

By Anonymous - 13/11/2008 08:42 - France

Today, my boss said to me: 'You know, our competitors are also hiring!' FML

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By kai - 27/1/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, the only guy who I ever thought liked me for my personality said he had something important to tell me. Later I got an e-mail from him saying he is "worried about me because I lack the skills to get along with other people." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2012 02:02 - United States

Today, my boss captured a huge spider and put it in a jar on the desk in our shop. He's named it Fluffy and is threatening to fire me if I harm it. I'm horribly arachnophobic and we share that desk. FML

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By jam - 11/2/2012 07:03 - Australia

Today, I received a parking fine for $147. My car isn't even worth that much. FML

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By James - 26/8/2011 18:29 - Canada

Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom, because apparently I'm an idiot for not sharing her belief that chickens are mammals. She has a university degree in this stuff. FML

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By morgie96 - 19/8/2014 04:11 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, on Facebook, all these parents posted photos of their child's last first day of high school, saying they were so proud as they left for senior year. It was my first day of senior year today, but my parents just gave me a high-five for not doing drugs. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2013 17:30 - Germany - K?ln

Today, my husband showed up late to my mother's funeral. He swaggered in, happily finishing off a half-eaten taco. His excuse for why he was so cheerful: "She was an in-law, honey." Good to know I married a piece of shit in disguise. FML

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By Chris Chandler - 4/11/2018 15:30

Today, my cat peed on the kitchen floor. As I went to get the mop, I slipped on the puddle not once, not twice, but three times. In quick succession. FML

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By hotmommy - 20/12/2010 00:23

Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML

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By embarrassed - 12/7/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, I was at Target with my mom and we finished purchasing our items. We had gotten a fan so I said, "This thing is too big to fit in." First thing my mom yells? "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" and starts laughing hysterically in front of the entire store. FML

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By Eddy - 14/3/2015 03:27 - United States - Mountain Pine

Today, I decided to have cereal for breakfast. I poured the cereal in the bowl, added the milk and had a spoonful. Then I realized that my cereal was moving in the back of my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2012 20:34 - United States - Johnston

Today, after a busy afternoon taking care of the kids, I was feeling really down about only being a mom these days, and I was hoping my husband would make me feel better when he got off work. In the middle of cuddling, he called me "mom." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2009 21:59 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a bucket of Twizzlers for our 1 year anniversary because 'he knew I liked them.' He has no idea why I am so upset. FML

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By NeedaNosePlug - 26/1/2012 05:19 - United States

Today, I had to have a discussion with my 54-year-old mother about showering. She thinks it's perfectly OK to shower only once a week. FML

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By scewable - 13/10/2011 07:19 - United States

Today, after getting dumped by my boyfriend, I tried to find comfort in one of my closest friends. He embraced me while I struggled against tears, and after a few moments of silence said, "Hey, you know what? I would fuck you anytime. Anytime." FML

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By Bob - 27/9/2018 16:00 - United States - New Bedford

Today, after saving for months to have a few hundred bucks set aside, the government sent me a car tax bill from 2010. Yep, 8 years ago. They want the interest on the bill too. Broke again. FML

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By well scrooge you too - 26/12/2015 04:24 - United States - North Myrtle Beach

Today, a customer gave me the dirtiest look ever and muttered "goody two-shoes prick" after I asked if he'd like to donate a few cents to charity. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 14:26 - United States

Today, my crush was walking up to me and I put my earphones in, playing hard to get. When I heard him say something about a date I take an earphone out and say, "Oh, I didn't see you there!" His response, "They're not connected to anything," holds up the end of my earphones and walks away. FML

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By Jex - 6/10/2012 10:04 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I wanted to surprise my long distance girlfriend by flying to her unannounced. When I arrived at her house, her family tells me that she herself boarded an unannounced flight to where I lived hours ago. Surprise. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2018 20:30

Today, at 9 o’clock in the morning while I was working, I made the mistake of being comfortable with a machine that literally bends and breaks steel bars. I lost my entire middle finger and the top third of my pinky and ring fingers. FML

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By 404: sense not found - 8/6/2014 18:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, some pig slapped my ass as he passed me in the street, then looked back at me with a dirty grin. His grin turned to horror when he realized that I'm actually a guy, then to anger as he bitched me out for "tricking" him by "looking like a chick". FML

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By athletiks - 26/3/2014 22:39 - United States - Pullman

Today, someone on Instagram posted a picture of himself with gym lifting straps around his neck. I commented "autoerotic asphyxiation" and now a 250-pound bodybuilder wants to kill me. FML

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By Sara - 3/5/2016 16:52 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I went to visit his grandparents. Everything went well, until his grandmother approached me and asked me if I wanted to try some of her old bras. I didn't want to be rude, so I went with her. Most awkward moment of my life. FML

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By Mandy - 17/9/2011 00:25 - Canada

Today, my family came to see me in my first acting role in Romeo and Juliet. It all went reasonably well for the first half hour or so, after which my seemingly shitfaced aunt started heckling and saying "that's what she said" after every line, before eventually being thrown out by security. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2017 01:30

Today, my roommate forgot to pay the water bill on time, so they shut it off. Now we're without running water for 3 days and I'm taking my morning dump in Target next to a stranger. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2015 00:52 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I finally finished downloading a 60GB TV series after two weeks of waiting. Every single "episode" turned out to be Rick Astley singing Never Gonna Give You Up, on constant repeat. I almost respect the prankster's effort enough to not want to gut him like a fish. Almost. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 14:26 - United States - Chicago

Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML

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By csgocockblock - 27/7/2016 17:26 - United States - Jenks

Today, when I got home from work I was pretty "in the mood" so I put on some cute undies and a tank top and went to get my boyfriends attention, he was so into his new computer game all I got was a half smile and a pat on the head. FML

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By snathans - 13/4/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I took one of those IQ tests on the internet. I cheated and still got a 70. FML

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By Mrs. Terrified - 23/10/2011 23:08 - United States

Today, I was at a shooting range with my father. The target was a creepy poster of a man. My father said, "This one is for your boyfriend." Perfect groin shot. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2016 03:39 - Australia - Cardiff

Today, upon applying for a new job to leave my old crappy job I was informed by my new potential employer that he was unable to hire me because he is friends with my current boss. FML

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By Fireguy92 - 1/2/2013 04:39 - United States - Dewitt

Today, as a firefighter, we were called to assist the ambulance crew with lifting a deceased patient out of a house. Little did I know, he had been dead inside for 3 weeks, and was bloated and popped like a water balloon when we attempted to move him. My girlfriend made soup for the evening meal. FML

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By Fuck irony - 29/10/2017 10:00 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I was volunteering at a soup kitchen and was advised to leave my wallet and cell phone in my car so they wouldn’t be stolen. Someone broke into my car and stole them. FML

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By Crawling - 25/10/2008 16:56

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place, looking drop dead gorgeous. However, she preferred the idea of sleeping, and here I am on my laptop. FML

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By fml9124 - 28/7/2020 20:00

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Today, my wife filed for divorce. Last month, she was diagnosed with stage 4, terminal, inoperable cancer. We got a second (confirmed) opinion. She has maybe six months left. She told me she doesn't want to spend her last remaining days on this earth with me. Our 33rd anniversary was in May. FML

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By unholy shit - 23/1/2012 22:33 - United States

Today, my parents boarded the fad wagon and became Juggalos. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2020 00:01 - United States

Don't let the bastards grind you down

Today, I heard a radio ad for the new anti-bullying efforts at a local middle school. The speaker in the ad was the school counselor… who was also my bully in high school. FML

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By Username - 3/8/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, I quit smoking. It seems that when you don't smoke for almost 24 hours, your sense of smell comes back. I then noticed how disgusting my apartment smells. Great. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2010 10:12 - United Kingdom

Today, while driving through town, I was distracted by a pretty girl walking on the nearby pavement and accidentally rear-ended the car in front of me. Not only did the pretty girl witness the crash and give a statement, it turned out she was a very feminine man. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2014 13:58 - United States

Today, I went to use the porta potty at the construction site I work at and found two homeless people having sex in it. I almost got fired, because my advisor blamed me. FML

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Top comments

By nel15 | 0

#451272 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:05

hahahahaha your mom is hilarious....relax, it was just a joke.

By purple990 | 0

#451283 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:06

thats awsome they're the cooloest people ever to hang out with, and at least your momma and boyfriend dont hate each other, geez be grateful

COMMENTS

By Ziltiod94 | 0

#451265 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:03

thats a fucked up mom and boyfriend

Reply

ChrisWasHere | 0

#451416 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:43

No, it's actually not fucked up. At least you have a boyfriend.

Reply

bekahshae | 0

#451442 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:53

Oh come on, shut up. It's a joke. I could definitely see my mom doing that with my boyfriend. I'm expecting this was a joke but she wanted attention/to get on FML so she wrote it out here, minus her laughing as well.

Reply

jackalope104 | 0

#451443 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:53

I dont think it's messed up. I find it pretty hilarious :)

Reply

lmmmr | 0

#451451 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:55

This would only bother you if you were already feeling insecure about having no friends. If that's the case, FYL for people close to you rubbing your nose in it. If not, then STFU and take a joke.

Reply

jasmine1259 | 2

#451454 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:56

yeah seriously its just a joke. most of the fmls here are meant to make ppl laugh they're not actually all horrible things that happened to someone

Reply

puhffft | 0

#451522 - Monday 3 August 2009 0:22

Are you kidding? That's hilarious!

Reply

neonokku | 0

#451905 - Monday 3 August 2009 2:16

It depends of you acutally have friends or not

Reply

Ziltiod94 | 0

#455259 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 2:50

it just seems like a weird joke. its an insulting joke
and also who would want a boyfriend who makes fun of them in that way

Reply

Aries327 | 0

#461535 - Thursday 6 August 2009 7:08

you should kick him in the nuts, and her in the lips!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not cool.

Reply

loveyoy22 | 0

#894435 - Friday 26 February 2010 17:49

haha omg I lold

Reply

vballerlover07 | 0

#1029913 - Monday 14 June 2010 3:30

FAVORITED! :)

Reply

Dimercurio | 1

#1196716 - Friday 6 August 2010 4:34

"Today, someone made a harmless joke at my expense, FML". How about pull the stick out of your ass.

Reply

My2864 | 1

#1209865 - Monday 9 August 2010 1:26

no its not fucked up..
jesus fucking christ have a sence of humor..

Reply

Andicc | 19

#5747422 - Saturday 9 November 2013 2:10

Your profile pic is the background on my phone. This is totally irrelevant to this FML, but Maynard, is a god.

Reply

weezypanda420 | 22

#6445777 - Tuesday 27 October 2015 6:42

At lease the mom and boyfriend get along. They could hate each other..
Also at least you have a boyfriend. Hard to do if you're a social outcast.

By soninlaw2be | 0

#451266 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:04

soooo fucked up

Reply

MysteryJoker | 5

#687274 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 11:14

Might be fucked up but you know your laughing your ass off
lol

Reply

metalboxzes | 0

#1034976 - Friday 18 June 2010 16:04

haha at least your mom and boyfriend get along:)

Reply

TheiMightyKhaL | 2

#3809406 - Saturday 31 December 2011 4:27

Hey moms a bitch

By nel15 | 0

#451272 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:05

hahahahaha your mom is hilarious....relax, it was just a joke.

Reply

A_Guy | 0

#451426 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:47

It was just a joke, relax. You have a bf so it can't be THAT bad

Reply

seb12992 | 0

#454357 - Monday 3 August 2009 21:45

I wish my mom were like that. Actually that sounds like something my mom would do. Be happy your mom has a nice since of humor OP.

Reply

DanielleWolf | 0

#2218480 - Monday 21 March 2011 22:35

agreed

By jet_fml | 0

#451274 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:05

Hopefully it was just a joke that you're taking badly... otherwise your mom and boyfriend are mildly douchey.

By purple990 | 0

#451283 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:06

thats awsome they're the cooloest people ever to hang out with, and at least your momma and boyfriend dont hate each other, geez be grateful

By skippydoda | 32

#451294 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:08

Well look on the bright side, at least they get along

By Jeniya_02 | 0

#451298 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:09

Damn, that's sad.

By BLNovelist | 0

#451311 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:12

Methinks somebody isn't getting sex for at least a week.. sucks for you OP. :/ FYL.

By Imawhalerider | 0

#451318 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:13

BURN!

By STVader | 0

#451319 - Sunday 2 August 2009 23:13

YDI for having the social ability to bag a boyfriend but not having enough to get some real friends...