The Top

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By shit_upon_literally - 07/03/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, at a hard rock concert, a bunch of guys accidentally knocked down a port-a-potty while moshing. I was inside that port-a-potty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 238 988

You deserved it 21 102

shit_upon tells us more.

shit_upon 0

Sunday 8 March 2009 7:10

they were wasted to the point of oblivion and probably had no idea what had just gone down. i didn't cry, but i was REALLY angry about it. my clothes were full of shit but luckily i had an extra pair of pants in my car and i had bought a band t-shirt earlier

By Anonymous - 01/01/2012 18:09 - Canada

Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 969

You deserved it 10 893

Romance me please

By trembelwick - 03/12/2011 10:04 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend refered to her vagina as a meat wallet, and to my penis as small change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 818

You deserved it 6 078

By sneaky1324 - 18/08/2012 07:49 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I woke up by inhaling a fly up my nose, and feeling it twitching and slowly dying inside my nasal cavity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 958

You deserved it 2 209

By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 15:32 - Canada

Today, I went downtown with my friends. A group of guys came up to us and started hitting on everyone except me. Then one of them said, "Do you girls hang out with her to make yourselves look better?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 868

You deserved it 3 868

Dirty talk

By Anonymous - 22/07/2010 05:52 - United States

Today, while having sex for our first time, my boyfriend decided to test out a theory he heard about, that conversation during sex makes it more enjoyable. His way of doing it? He looked me straight in the eye and asked, "How 'bout them Brewers?" We're from Wisconsin. That's our local sports team. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 087

You deserved it 5 290

By 11321 - 22/04/2009 05:24 - United States

Today, I went on somewhat of a blind date. The date was OK until he tried to spoon feed me. This didn't go over so well. Later, I noticed a strange looking brief case he was carrying. I asked him what it was and he whipped out 5 yoyos and did a yoyo show in the middle of the restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 092

You deserved it 6 910

By Jackie - 14/09/2010 20:00 - United States

Today, I realized the guy I like is not deaf. This would normally be good news. However, for the past two weeks I assumed he was deaf after seeing him use sign language. I've been openly talking about him within earshot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 570

You deserved it 49 782

Good one, you little shit

By WalkingTalkingCarrot - 27/06/2011 02:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my 15 year-old brother, visiting me for the weekend, thought it would be a great idea to switch my expensive moisturiser for fake tan cream. I'm going to work in 12 hours. I'm fluorescent orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 075

You deserved it 5 126

By atetoeate - 27/08/2010 06:49 - United States

Today, while trying to give an immunization to a "special" 13-year-old, I got spit on, kicked, almost bitten, and had a chair thrown at me. When it was all over, I flinched when the patient tried to hug me. Her mom called me a "b*tch" and I later found out she wasn't a "special" child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 364

You deserved it 3 818

By Nick - 13/08/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for something to drink. I found a jug of lemonade with a piece of paper on it saying "Mom's Lemonade, Don't Drink!" I was really thirsty, so I ignored it and drank the whole jug. My mom is about to have a colonoscopy and had filled it with laxatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 407

You deserved it 147 186

By WhyMe? - 01/03/2011 13:24

Today, I told my boyfriend I was leaving him because he's cheating on me. He then told me he will die without me. When I said that I didn't care, he said 'OK. I'll kill myself!' and then held his breath in attempt to suffocate himself. I can't believe I dated this idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 286

You deserved it 15 049

Crack!

By Anonymous - 10/02/2010 07:54 - United States

Today, I bought a brand new huge leather recliner. After laying down and watching football for some time, I sit up and hear a loud shatter. My iPhone was crushed by the mechanics of the chair after it slipped out of my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 967

You deserved it 8 506

By Anonymous - 22/12/2009 10:08 - United States

Today, I came home from my two week trip to Florida. At the airport, the door said "Enter Only", while a sign above it said "Do not enter." Long story short, I got arrested for "disobeying signs." Nothing says "Welcome home" like being arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 848

You deserved it 4 840

By crazyattracts - 31/07/2016 05:53 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my new girlfriend canceled my badly needed haircut appointment. She feels that having my female hairstylist wash and cut my hair involves "too much touching" and "counts as cheating." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 831

You deserved it 2 013

By Anonymous - 28/05/2011 00:56 - United States

Today, I was really psyched to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the movies. Excited, I tried to do a flying kick off the cafeteria wall at work. Instead of kicking off, my leg crashed through the plasterboard and got stuck. My co-workers had to pull me free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 120

You deserved it 53 961

By sucks at sucking - 15/12/2012 00:27 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 932

You deserved it 9 253

By meh - 04/01/2010 22:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist to get a baby tooth which had decayed removed. After almost an hour, I came out with a numb mouth and a missing tooth for life. It was not a baby tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 099

You deserved it 6 532

Tough guy

By Anonymous - 14/08/2013 04:26 - United States - Austin

Today, my 12-year-old son was shot in the foot. After hours of not talking, including to the police, he finally told us that his friend accidentally shot him with his dad's gun, and that he didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to "lose any street cred by snitching." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 022

You deserved it 6 757

Charming

By jay ze punk - 29/01/2013 19:56 - France - Metz-tessy

Today, I took my new girlfriend to meet my grandmother. We were drinking coffee when my gran leaned to one side and let out a huge fart. Proud of herself, she added, "That one didn't pay his rent on time!" Coffee came out of my girlfriend's nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 844

You deserved it 5 243

By condiments - 22/02/2010 21:13 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my mother, when someone snuck a pack of condoms into our cart while our backs were turned. When we got to the register, my mom, whose wealth makes me ineligible for financial aid, noticed the condoms and she announced that she wasn't paying for the college I got accepted to next year because she doesn't want a promiscuous daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 171

You deserved it 3 067

By Anonymous - 11/06/2012 11:18 - United States

Today, I put the little boy I nanny for in time-out. In retaliation he blasted an air horn in my face. I can only hear out of one ear now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 921

You deserved it 3 249

By hamster cookie - 17/10/2009 21:08 - France

Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 323

You deserved it 5 097

Out of control

By emilyxoxoxo - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my friend and I thought it would be funny if we could both fit into her big sweatpants. When we tried to take a step, she fell on top of me. She started peeing uncontrollably. We had to cut ourselves out of the sweatpants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 939

You deserved it 37 330

Get back

By uncbballwins - 27/04/2011 04:21

Today, after shopping alone at a grocery store, I was taking my groceries back to my car when a kid grabbed one of my bags and ran. Deciding not to risk leaving the rest of my groceries stranded, I didn't chase him. Later, I realized that was the bag my credit card was in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 728

You deserved it 17 361

By Jeathrow - 16/02/2012 15:01 - United States

Today, after recently moving to an apartment, we've already been asked if we wanted to buy drugs, had a children's chair thrown through the front window, our door painted with "CUNT LICKER" and my laundry stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 300

You deserved it 4 006

By Nick - 11/02/2010 18:35 - United States

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 506

You deserved it 5 588

By the_captain - 23/06/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I was cashiering at Target when an old woman came into my checkout line. Her items? Variety pack of pleasuring condoms, a bottle of KY sensual lube, and two colorful thongs. As I'm scanning these, she leans in and whispers, "I love toys." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 717

You deserved it 3 522

By chickennoodlesoup - 21/05/2009 01:50 - Canada

Today, I made chicken noodle soup for the girl I've been seeing to help her get over her cold. From scratch. Everything fresh save for the canned chicken stock. It took an hour in preparation and half an hour to take the bus to her place. Her first words? The celery's not cooked enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 173

You deserved it 6 383

I am the passenger…

By northernlass - 01/10/2010 14:32 - United States

Today, I boarded a trans-Atlantic flight by myself, and struck up a nice conversation with the passenger across the aisle. Before we even took off, the man in front of me unbuckled, stood to face me, and asked me to please shut the hell up. "It's a 9 hour flight, and you're VERY loud!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 493

You deserved it 37 043

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The Top

Today, I was rejected from a job for which I was perfectly qualified, as it was in my area of expertise. The interviewer was the most annoying prick and kept on talking and "helping" me debug from the moment I opened the technical task. I ended up asking him to please shut up so that I could think for a minute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 736

You deserved it 326

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He didn't break down into tears, or say he'd made a huge mistake, or even apologise. No, he just looked up and said "Bugger." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 324

You deserved it 2 290

Today, I found out how my parents met. They met at a mental hospital, where they were both being hospitalized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 130

You deserved it 2 942

Today, I played with the white dust on the counter at work for the last time. After a couple of weeks of arriving to a thin coating of dust over the counter, and drawing in it, piling it up and other such fun things, I met the guy who now does the earlier shift. He has a huge, dandruffy beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 291

You deserved it 13 530

Today, I fell asleep at a party. I farted so loud that I woke myself up. Everyone heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 366

You deserved it 12 954

Today, they say our bowels are like a second brain. Well, mine seem to have the brain of an 8-year-old, because we’ve been playing “Attack of the Monster Poo” for five consecutive days now. Of course, like any self-respecting monster, it only attacks when you're asleep, then again once you've let your guard down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 325

You deserved it 87