Today, the police called and told me that they had Alex in custody....

By runescapeftw - 29/12/2010 18:18 - United States

Today, the police called and told me that they had Alex in custody. Apparently, she had public sex with another woman and wants me to come bail her out. Alex is my mom. FML

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Intimacy

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

KoBabe

Lockdown is driving us down

By Rich - 25/2/2009 02:20 - United States

Today, my parents gave me a shirt from Banana Republic for my birthday. It looked like one I had bought for myself a couple of days earlier but I thanked them and went to hang it in my closet. An empty hanger hung where I placed the shirt I had purchased. They gave me my shirt for my birthday. FML

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By Owned - 29/1/2009 00:32 - Taiwan

Today, me and a friend I met in the club were sandwiching this blonde girl dancing, when 5 minutes later she turned around and said that I should get another girl and gently brushed me aside. FML

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By UFVKNP - 10/3/2017 16:00

Today, my coworker and I were swamped with coffee orders. I told him I would "take care of the blacks", and a customer who only heard that sentence screamed at me for several minutes about racism. FML

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By Username - 7/8/2011 21:44 - United States

Today, my wife and I almost got a divorce over a game of Yahtzee. FML

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By Maruska28 - 7/9/2017 20:00

Today, we bought our first home after months of searching and years of saving. It's directly in the path of Hurricane Irma and may be destroyed before we even get the chance to move in. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2016 16:29

Today, I dyed my hair for the first time. It turned out great, and I couldn't wait to show it off during my night out with my friends. Everyone was so shocked or disgusted, I ended up claiming I lost a bet. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2016 11:51 - Belgium

Today, my boss refused my resignation and acted like nothing had happened. FML

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By HK - 16/5/2012 22:38 - United Kingdom - Haywards Heath

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me because I refused to keep him company while he took a shit. FML

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By StrandedWhale - 3/11/2013 07:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I got knocked over at the park by a rampant dog. My fiancé stood by laughing his ass off as I repeatedly tried to stand up, only to be knocked back down again. I'm seven months pregnant. FML

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By Eyebrowsgone - 25/8/2010 13:10 - United States

Today, I decided to wax my own eyebrows with a Do It Yourself kit from the pharmacy. I'm now missing half of my right eyebrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2019 05:00 - United States

Size Queen

Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she took the shower head and started spraying my penis with it. I asked her, "What are you doing?" Her response, "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML

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By robbyrabbit - 11/11/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, I went to the place I signed for yesterday to pay the first month's rent and get my keys. I looked around before I left, and used the toilet. I went back later to show my boyfriend and found the place flooded an inch with water coming from the toilet. It had been flooding for 7 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2016 06:11 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, barely 2 hours into a 5 hour car ride home, my mom accidentally let slip that she's been cheating on my dad. I had to sit with the bitch in a diner for ages while my dad bawled his eyes out alone in the car. FML

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By C0olgirl - 3/4/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, my best friend and I came home from Japan. Her boyfriend and I have been having an affair before I left so I decided not to tell him she was coming with me. We just got off the plane and got a bite to eat, he was waiting for me so he could propose, my best friend was standing next to me. FML

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By depressednupset - 30/12/2011 15:06 - United States

Today, my mother told me to 'quit having a pity party'. I was just diagnosed with depression. I've lost my boyfriend, my job, my academic standing, and I just got rejected from every graduate school I applied for. And my mother thinks I'm a cry baby. Great. FML

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By yeah okay then - 3/8/2012 23:50 - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a social visit to my slightly deranged grandpa. I ended up politely sitting through two hours of him lecturing me on how he "invented the modern tap", then on how sex is an Illuminati invention to "give sluts the STDs they need to kill us all". FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2009 06:30 - Canada

Today, I invited my boss and his family over for dinner. As usual, I bought his kids Christmas' presents, nothing too fancy though. This year, he had one more that wasn't here last year. So I just pulled something from under the tree to hand him. He opened it on the spot. It was my son's PS3. FML

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By observant - 15/5/2012 14:24 - United States

Today, my mom was giving me a long lecture about being aware of my surroundings, because you never know what's out there. While she was talking, I noticed a drug deal going down in the Walmart parking lot. She didn't notice. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2013 16:07 - United States - Katy

Today, I went to my local pool. I lay down in a chair and started tanning. About 30 minutes later, a lady came up to me and said, "Put that away, you pervert, there are children here!" I had a hole in my pants and my penis had started to poke through. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2018 13:30

Today, my first day at my new job, a guy decided to pay all his parking fines in one go. All £2300 of them. Yes, he did decide to pay it in pennies. Wheelbarrows and buckets full of pennies. That's 230,000 pennies. Guess whose job it was to count them. FML

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By fredfredburger - 25/6/2014 17:45 - United States - Imperial

Today, I went on a date with the girl I like, to see The Fault In Our Stars. She didn't cry, but I did. Twice, hard. FML

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By Pandaling - 26/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Devil parents

Today, my mother-in-law said: "People who don't have kids are children of the devil." I'm infertile, she knows this. FML

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By Genius - 25/6/2019 14:00

Today, I went to my fifth job interview in a month. While going over my CV, I found a watermark on the bottom of my cover letter that said it was generated by a template website. Yep, I gave all previous interviewers the same cover letter, with the same watermark. Can't wait to hear back! FML

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By ohhelllllno - 20/4/2009 10:05 - Canada

Today, the $300 ring my boyfriend gave me for my birthday slipped off my finger... into the toilet. I had to sift through my own poo to get it back. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2011 07:26 - United States

Today, I ate some hardboiled eggs for breakfast, not knowing they were practically rotten. My whole day has consisted of vomit-inducing sulfuric farts and diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2016 03:50 - United States - Fishers

Today, eight tornados hit the town where I live. The only person who tried to get a hold of me and see if I was OK was my World of Warcraft guild leader after I didn't show up to raid. FML

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By Homeless? - 7/11/2016 11:07 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I have been vomiting for 4 days. Tomorrow, my landlord is insisting on inspecting my flat. I now either have to clean my house whilst trying not to throw up all around it, or fail my inspection. FML

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By SF49 - 16/1/2013 18:26 - United States

Dingdong

Today, my girlfriend came back from visiting her family. She'd forgotten to take her pills, and decided to "catch up" by taking almost a week's worth of birth control and prescription pills. She's fine, but I had to convince the ER staff that she's not suicidal, just stupid. FML

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By the critic - 18/6/2012 10:22 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I realized I have been single for far too long when I was turning off porno after porno because I couldn't stand the horrible acting. FML

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By mark807 - 28/4/2012 06:52 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I fell and hit my head on hard concrete. When I went to the emergency room for a CT Scan, the nurse hit me in the head with an IV pole. FML

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By itsdezzz - 9/3/2016 23:43 - United States - Hatfield

Today, I noticed a customer looking for expired products in hopes of receiving a coupon from my store. I told them to let me know if they found anything. They promptly began following me around, telling me how to do my job, only to later file a complaint saying that I was harassing them. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2012 20:37 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, my car alarm went off at a funeral, three times. FML

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By boopingsnoot - 5/8/2017 20:00

Ready for the grill!

Today, at work, the chest freezer was accidentally turned off. I work at a vet and the freezer is our morgue. It got opened before anyone realized the contents had thawed. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 07:42 - United States

Today, a group of carolers was coming up my street, so I went out in the cold to wait for them. When they finally arrived, I waved and greeted them. They huddled up discussing something while pointing at me, then skipped my house. FML

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By twowords - 8/6/2009 18:44 - United States

Today, I had to find a date for this banquet we did in my town every year. I paid my neighbor 40 bucks an hour to be my date. It was a 4 hour event. Best part: she got drunk and told the whole town I was paying her. FML

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By harrassment101 - 25/12/2009 08:10 - United States

Today, at work a female co-worker was struggling with a stack of boxes in her hands. Her pantyhose was falling down and she asked me to help her. So I pulled up her pantyhose. When I looked up, she had a horrified look on her face. She was asking me to help her hold the boxes. FML

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By heymacie - 29/4/2016 01:41 - United States - Beckley

Today, it was my second day at my new job as a bank teller. I got locked in the vault while alarms were being tested. I was in there for an hour and none of my coworkers had even noticed that I'd gone missing. Gee, thanks. FML

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By GodMemory_AbsentMind - 21/3/2017 18:00

Today, when paying for gas, I realized I'd forgotten my wallet back home. After a moment of panic, I managed to remember my card number. I paid, blowing the cute cashier's mind, and drove away, before my car started sputtering and slowed to a crawl. I'd used the wrong fuel. FML

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By epictothemax - 10/3/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I went home for my grandma's 95th birthday. While there she noticed my new tongue piercing and asked why I would get it done. Before I could reply, my cousin says "So she can can make the boys happier when she's sucking on them." She's 9 years old. FML

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By Livingthedream - 12/8/2018 06:00

Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML

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Top comments

By v1kt4r | 13

#743751 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:17

ROFLMAO, only in America
Always wanted to say that, haha but truly FYL

By schwinn11 | 0

#743812 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:37

So your mom likes get'n it on with other chicks in public, sounds like my kinda woman.
10 bucks says your mom is more popular with your friends than you are!

COMMENTS

By liquidbunny | 0

#743717 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:08

wow, just wow

cl9595 | 0

#743734 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:12

i agree that's disturbing

DisappearingRose | 18

#1258528 - Tuesday 17 August 2010 19:17

very disturbing....

katiebove | 0

#1905583 - Wednesday 29 December 2011 22:46

lmfao.

By Perchick | 6

#743739 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:13

WTF...?

iCanMakeYoBEDROC_fml | 0

#907842 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 16:56

woww!

By v1kt4r | 13

#743751 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:17

ROFLMAO, only in America
Always wanted to say that, haha but truly FYL

DaKillahMan | 0

#832379 - Sunday 7 February 2010 6:13

WIN!

By LemonMan | 0

#743755 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:18

Ummm yeah that blows FYL

code2264 | 0

#1462796 - Monday 27 September 2010 4:18

insane

By bnut22 | 0

#743773 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:23

Agreed. FYL

By jakeidk | 0

#743795 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:32

don't do it. that's sick I hope there were no kids around or anything...

By Arohanui | 1

#743810 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:36

I don't know, I think your mom sounds awesome.

Marcelb | 17

#1828157 - Saturday 11 December 2010 12:06

you would like to be the woman she openly had sex with? ;)

ranamile | 0

#3837278 - Friday 6 January 2012 3:12

Yes

By schwinn11 | 0

#743812 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:37

So your mom likes get'n it on with other chicks in public, sounds like my kinda woman.
10 bucks says your mom is more popular with your friends than you are!

By YeahFMLxX | 0

#743823 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:40

I'd never look at my mom the same way, ever..

By jakeidk | 0

#743826 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:42

don't say lesbians are hot if you have a problem with gay guys. and I have both she is disgusting old sick person

heyitsbrii | 0

#749303 - Friday 1 January 2010 22:25

uhh okay theres nothing wrong with lesbians ot gay guys so you can stfu

whoisthisgirl | 4

#2218288 - Monday 21 March 2011 21:40

I think she was saying that guys have a problem with gay male couples but think gay female couples are hot. and I agree if you're a homophobe you shouldn't be thinking two girls are hot and two guys are disgusting.

ishiloh | 5

#3076376 - Wednesday 10 August 2011 6:04

You're a disgusting, sick person if you honestly have an issue with people who aren't straight... :$

Red_Wing_Nut44 | 14

#3366383 - Friday 30 September 2011 0:16

I don't have anything against the people themselves. I may not agree with their choice to be gay but I do understand everyone's got their own prefrences.