Today, the police called and told me that they had Alex in custody....

By runescapeftw - 29/12/2010 18:18 - United States

Today, the police called and told me that they had Alex in custody. Apparently, she had public sex with another woman and wants me to come bail her out. Alex is my mom. FML

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Intimacy

Body issues

Call CPS!

Live dumping

By Jessica - 8/7/2011 00:58 - Australia

Today, I met my boyfriend's sophisticated grandparents. I politely introduced myself. The first words to come out of his granny's mouth were, "If something happens to him, you won't get a f*cking cent of the insurance money, you hear?" FML

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By anonymous22kittylicklick - 20/8/2011 04:44 - United States

Today, I was at Target deciding what chap-stick to get when an old lady violently hit me with her umbrella and kept yelling at me saying, "You are too young for this! Think twice!" FML

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By WolfsScar - 8/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Lincoln

Be careful, please!

Today, while I was telling a friend she needs to be more careful about getting hurt, I dislocated and sprained my thumb. She then laughed at me and said, "Yes, I will." FML

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1366

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By Joe - 11/12/2011 01:03 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML

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By anonymouse - 9/3/2011 19:37 - Reserved

Today, I was getting dirty looks on the train whilst air strumming the guitar to a song on my iPod, after glancing at the reflection in the window I realized it looked like I was masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2017 00:00 - Canada

Not how it works...

Today, my classmate told me she can copy an article from the internet and hand that in, as long as she cites it at the end. FML

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By gRRRrr - 1/4/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. We're currently sharing a room on a cruise ship. FML

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By prego - 30/4/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, I called my mom into my room to ask her to bring me something. She reffered to me as a "lazy fat slug." I'm 38 weeks pregnant and was put on emergancy bedrest by my doctor. FML

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By Iknoweverything - 22/12/2012 08:06 - United States - Mankato

Today, my co-worker had a bad cold that stuffed up his ears and nose. This wouldn't have been a problem, except that he believed his farts were silent and scentless. They were so vile, they could have killed a horse. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 21:17 - United States - Euless

Today, I lost my patience and asked the deadbeat I loaned money to last year to please pay up. His response: "Blow me." No thanks, dad. FML

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By DQB - 24/5/2009 02:17 - Canada

Today, I pulled up to a stoplight and blew past the car beside me to merge into one lane. About 30 seconds later, I ran out of gas right in front of them. We were on a bridge, and I had to push my car all the way across. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2016 04:57 - United States - Frisco

Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML

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By heartbreakkid21 - 14/5/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, I was on a date with this girl I actually like. The date was going really well and it seemed like it would be a good night. Well while in the movie theater I went to hold her hand and instead she gave me a hand shake and said "You're so funny I'm so glad we're friends". FML

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By dabull - 27/4/2013 05:02 - United States

Today, nobody wants to hang out with me due to a nasty rumor that my ex has spread. No one will tell me what was said, because I apparently "know full well" what I did. FML

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By MaKaDa - 23/9/2009 11:28 - United States

Today, I realized that my coach doesn't close the door and the blinds to perform half-naked body checks (to make sure his team is in shape) on anyone else but me. FML

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By Webmonkey - 8/1/2009 13:30 - United States

Today, I turned around in my cubicle to see the entire marketing department (myself excluded) getting ready to have lunch together. Nobody mentioned it to me. FML

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23135

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2017 23:15 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I decided to eat healthier. I started with making 2 eggs and burning down whole kitchen. FML

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By frenchie12 - 24/3/2019 02:00

Today I hooked up with a girl. The condom fell off when I pulled out. When the girl left I could not find it. I saw my roomate cat with it so I chased him and he escaped. My roomate now wants to kill me. She found the condom on her bed and does not believe me. I might have to move out. FML

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By thelistman - 13/11/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend made me shave my chest. Afterwards, she said I looked like I was 12. She won't have sex with me until it grows back. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2014 04:30 - United States - Olney

Today, my car got towed. My money is in my car and they won't let me open my car to get money until my car is "released". FML

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By taydean - 26/5/2011 21:31 - United States

Today, my sister and I were eating at Wendy's. On the way out, I thought it would be funny to kick the door open and yell, "This is Sparta!" I lost my balance and fell flat on my butt. FML

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By Me - 31/5/2011 06:49 - United States

Today, while at work, a rather large woman came in and ordered a cheeseburger. When asking if she would like to supersize it, she took her purse, smacked me, and told me she wasn't fat, and how rude I was for calling her supersized. I was just doing my job. FML

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By glam300 - 30/12/2011 18:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend commented on my short skirt and, thinking she was being funny, tried to pull it down. I quickly moved away, causing it to come off in her hands. My shocked scream attracted the attention of at least a dozen bystanders. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2016 18:12 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my religious mother found out I work at Planned Parenthood. Now everytime she sees me, she prays until I leave the room. FML

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By strawberrykiwi62 - 11/6/2009 09:09 - Israel

Today, I found out that my extremely-flat chested cousin recently got a boob job. When my mom found out, she said "Oh that's great! They look so good!". Then she looks at me and tells me that I should get one. Everyone including my own mother thinks I should get a boob job. FML

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By mjohnston - 27/3/2009 14:47 - United States

Today, I was fired from a managerial position I've held for two years due to "inappropriate relations with a subordinate": I was dating a coworker. My girlfriend then broke up with me four hours later. Because I no longer had a job. I hired her. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2014 18:43 - United States - Shawnee

Today, my husband suggested we get divorced, "for tax purposes". FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. I presented her with an oil painting of her that I'd been working on for over a month, and she started to cry. I thought it was because she liked it, until she asked if she really looks that ugly and disproportionate in real life. FML

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By Puppy Loverr - 25/8/2011 07:12 - Australia

Today, I was getting a bit intimate with my boyfriend. Just when things were getting interesting, my dog managed to get into my room. He jumped on the bed and my boyfriend spent the next 20 minutes playing with the dog, while I sat next to him, half naked. FML

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By dead man walking? - 4/10/2015 13:21 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her dad showed me his gun collection, and said the first rule of gun safety is never to point a gun at something you don't intend to kill. All while waving a handgun in my direction and glaring at me with barely suppressed rage. FML

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25595

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By MSguy - 27/8/2018 14:30

Today, I found out that the medication that's been free to me and has given me no noticeable side effects will be $1500 a month for my new insurance. This is a medication used to prevent my MS relapses. FML

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By smallmediumatlrg - 25/6/2009 19:17 - United States

Today, I went to a yard sale and found a cute plush duck. I sent a pic of it to my friend with the message "Jackpot!" I guess she didn't see the pic because she called me up all excited, thinking my boyfriend of 6 years finally proposed to me. "No, I said, I just found a big duck for $1." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, my six year old daughter discovered the family's pet rabbit in the basement freezer. The rabbit had died almost a year ago, and we'd stored it in the freezer, intending to bury it later. Here's to the trauma of losing the family pet. Twice. FML

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By rainastartree - 23/12/2013 21:10 - United States - Crum Lynne

Today, my husband and I were fighting over money. As we were arguing, our 13 year old daughter stole $250 dollars from my purse. FML

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46910

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By Jjay08 - 26/4/2016 21:17 - United States - Miles City

Today, I discovered a purple BMX bike abandoned in my front yard. I wondered why it was there, until I looked over to discover that my own bike had be stolen. I guess they liked mine better. FML

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13519

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By psychworker - 15/12/2009 18:04 - United States

Today, while at work, I was asked if I wanted to leave early. I said no and let my co-worker go instead. Two hours later, I was punched in the face by one of my patients with absolutely no warning or provocation. FML

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27958

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By epistaxis - 29/1/2009 02:31 - Australia

Today, my nephew asked me how babies are made. I thought he'd had this chat with his mom, but I went in to it again. After a 20 minute 'discussion', he says "So what about the good stuff - get to the blowjobs and the lesbians." He's 11. FML

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By Noname - 6/3/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, I went for a job interview on my birthday. I had on a shirt and a tie on and I had my Blackberry in my pocket. I was running a little late, so I dashed outside. When I came out of the door, a bunch of my buddies screamed HAPPY BIRTHDAY! and poured Gatorade all over me. FML

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By isaidfuckoff - 27/6/2015 18:29 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came back from her mission trip with hickies all over her boobs. She said it wasn't cheating because she was doing God's work and that they canceled each other out. FML

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Top comments

By v1kt4r | 13

#743751 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:17

ROFLMAO, only in America
Always wanted to say that, haha but truly FYL

By schwinn11 | 0

#743812 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:37

So your mom likes get'n it on with other chicks in public, sounds like my kinda woman.
10 bucks says your mom is more popular with your friends than you are!

Comments

By liquidbunny | 0

#743717 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:08

wow, just wow

cl9595 | 0

#743734 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:12

i agree that's disturbing

DisappearingRose | 18

#1258528 - Tuesday 17 August 2010 19:17

very disturbing....

katiebove | 0

#1905583 - Wednesday 29 December 2011 22:46

lmfao.

By Perchick | 6

#743739 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:13

WTF...?

iCanMakeYoBEDROC_fml | 0

#907842 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 16:56

woww!

By v1kt4r | 13

#743751 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:17

ROFLMAO, only in America
Always wanted to say that, haha but truly FYL

DaKillahMan | 0

#832379 - Sunday 7 February 2010 6:13

WIN!

By LemonMan | 0

#743755 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:18

Ummm yeah that blows FYL

code2264 | 0

#1462796 - Monday 27 September 2010 4:18

insane

By bnut22 | 0

#743773 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:23

Agreed. FYL

By jakeidk | 0

#743795 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:32

don't do it. that's sick I hope there were no kids around or anything...

By Arohanui | 0

#743810 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:36

I don't know, I think your mom sounds awesome.

Marcelb | 17

#1828157 - Saturday 11 December 2010 12:06

you would like to be the woman she openly had sex with? ;)

ranamile | 0

#3837278 - Friday 6 January 2012 3:12

Yes

By schwinn11 | 0

#743812 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:37

So your mom likes get'n it on with other chicks in public, sounds like my kinda woman.
10 bucks says your mom is more popular with your friends than you are!

By YeahFMLxX | 0

#743823 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:40

I'd never look at my mom the same way, ever..

By jakeidk | 0

#743826 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:42

don't say lesbians are hot if you have a problem with gay guys. and I have both she is disgusting old sick person

heyitsbrii | 0

#749303 - Friday 1 January 2010 22:25

uhh okay theres nothing wrong with lesbians ot gay guys so you can stfu

whoisthisgirl | 4

#2218288 - Monday 21 March 2011 21:40

I think she was saying that guys have a problem with gay male couples but think gay female couples are hot. and I agree if you're a homophobe you shouldn't be thinking two girls are hot and two guys are disgusting.

ishiloh | 5

#3076376 - Wednesday 10 August 2011 6:04

You're a disgusting, sick person if you honestly have an issue with people who aren't straight... :$

Red_Wing_Nut44 | 14

#3366383 - Friday 30 September 2011 0:16

I don't have anything against the people themselves. I may not agree with their choice to be gay but I do understand everyone's got their own prefrences.