Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the...

By mperh - 28/5/2011 12:46 - United States

Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the place watching for speeders and drunks. Some complete dickhead decided to spray paint "cop killa" on the side of my car. It won't come off. FML

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Transportation

Trust

Toxic parents

Ambien conversations are the worst

By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 13:09 - United States

Today, after 6 months of training and going to the gym every day, I realized that the only thing I've lost is $300 worth of gas. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2019 22:00

Today, I caught a ride with a coworker in their brand new mercedes. They spent the drive passionately talking about how it made them a better driver and all the people that say otherwise are idiots. After running three stop signs and nearly sideswiped a mini-van I decided to walk the last mile. FML

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By bballer4_life - 14/12/2016 23:22 - United States - Erie

Today, I made dozens of cookies just in time for Christmas. When I went to take out the last pan from the oven, I slipped. In a desperate attempt to catch the pan I grabbed it with my bare hand. My hand is striped like a candy cane. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 14:44 - Canada

Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my porn stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 21:00 - Hungary - Szeged

Today, my girlfriend came over to visit me and my brother at our apartment. I left for just five minutes to fix us lunch. When I got back, she was making out with my brother. FML

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By megamonster99 - 7/11/2016 15:06 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I helped my hoarder grandfather clean out his garage. Not only did I step on a nail, I also slipped in a puddle of used oil that's been sitting out for two years, and broke my nose. He didn't pay me since I wasn't able to finish the job. FML

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By yupimher - 12/10/2019 22:00

The long goodbye

Today, I found out my job is trying to get me to quit. FML

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By NoPrivacy - 26/4/2012 10:44 - United States

Today, my boss overheard me singing, "I need a shit, I need a shit" on my way to the bathroom. FML

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By dogwheels - 20/12/2011 11:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to sit and listen to my co-worker moan about how early he has to get up tomorrow to go on his ski holiday in France over Christmas. He also complained about how tiring skiing is. FML

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By very very lonely - 24/9/2016 04:18

Today, I bought a friendship bracelet. I'm not sure what's sadder, the fact that I don't actually have a friend to give the other half to, or that I'm actually wearing one of them so it looks like I have friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2014 05:14 - United States - Stockbridge

Today, I decided to do a little shopping at Victoria's Secret. The woman at the register smiled and asked, "Got a special someone to impress?" I told her that my boyfriend of three years was in town for New Year's and we haven't seen each other in months. Then I went home to my four cats. FML

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By Lulu - 17/9/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I was washing some clothes in the laundry room at my apartment complex. I went back an hour later, passed my neighbor on the way in, and moved my clothes to the dryer. I just brought them back from the dryer, and all my underwear are missing. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2013 04:00 - United States - New York

Today, I had to explain to a woman why she wasn't allowed to squeeze all the contents of the sample lotion bottle into her own bottle. She threw a fit, and dumped the whole bottle on my head. FML

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By Klepto - 15/11/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to the guy who had the party I was at last night. I immediately realized, however, that my new profile picture is of me, smiling and holding the trophy I stole from his house. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2019 02:25

The Dilbert Principle

Today, I had to attend an interview in order to keep my job, despite exceeding all of my targets for over a year. My supervisor has not reached a single target at all in the same time, yet his job is safe and not under review. FML

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By failfailfail - 30/9/2009 13:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a big exam. 20 minutes in I could feel people turning round looking at me. I ignored them at first, but towards the one hour mark it got more distracting. I stood up and yelled "Why's everyone staring at me!" I got kicked out. Turns out I was seated directly in front of the clock. FML

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By Skyler - 24/4/2013 19:14 - United States

Today, my school took part in a standardized state test. After finishing, I decided to take a nap, only to be awoken by the test monitor, who wanted me to leave. Apparently, I was ferociously farting in my sleep and was disturbing the people still taking the test. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2016 22:36 - United States - Hampton

Today, I had to attend a meeting with my parents, my teacher, and my bully and his parents. When we started, my bully "broke down" and "tearfully" told the teacher that I was the one bullying him, and that he was getting blamed to cover it all up. They believed him. FML

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By notanidiot - 20/6/2012 12:46 - United States - Lansing

Today, I laughed when I shouldn't have and am probably fired. What happened? My boss asked me if birds were reptiles. I thought he was kidding. FML

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By 102496 - 5/2/2010 03:53 - France

Today, I went to the store with my 4 1/2 year old daughter. When we got to the cosmetics aisle, she asked what make-up was for, I told her it was to make women prettier. My daughter then told me it was a good thing I wear make-up because I was ugly and that I might scare off my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2013 18:56 - India - Pune

Today, I decided to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. My dad just looked him dead in the eyes and said, "How much did she pay you? I doubt it was enough." FML

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By -_- - 22/4/2015 15:06 - United States - Amherst

Today, my boss gave me the job of dealing with the guys doing the roofing at our store. His reasoning is that since we're all Hispanic, I'm perfect for the job because "You guys all know each other." FML

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By Anna - 15/6/2012 09:43 - United States - Buellton

Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML

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By Darkness162000 - 8/1/2010 00:21 - France

Today, I found out that while I was on vacation my neighbor had let my brother into my apartment. I don't have a brother. FML

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By mybossisanass - 23/4/2013 08:17 - United States

Today, I discovered why my boss kept on scheduling me to work doubles almost every day. It wasn't because she knew I needed the extra money; she was hoping that my boyfriend would break up with me because I'm never home, and date her instead. It worked. FML

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By welp, time to become an assassin - 23/6/2013 18:14 - United States - Rowlett

Today, I was playing a video game that required me to hunt a few animals. My mom walked in, saw what I was doing, then went into her psycho vegan mode and started yelling at me. She basically grounded me for "murdering" pixels on a screen. FML

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By Username - 27/1/2011 03:54

Today, the guy who sits next to me in my psychology class openly admitted to torturing animals as a child. It's going to be a long semester. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2012 09:43 - Canada

Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML

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By TiredStudent - 12/6/2020 23:07 - Australia

Bottle bank

Today, I found out my last roommate had been stacking her empty wine bottles under the sink for the last 5 months. The cleaning lady who found them now thinks I'm an alcoholic, and threatened to report me to my landlord. FML

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By Undercooked - 24/9/2013 19:08 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my girlfriend made bacon sandwiches for lunch. I didn't want to be rude, but I couldn't help but mention that the bacon smelled and tasted weird. I thought it may have expired. She said not to worry because she used the dry bacon under the counter. Those were dog treats. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 02:00 - Germany - Wuppertal

Today, my coworker keeps loudly saying things like, "Oh, now THIS!" If I don't ask, "What?" she pouts. If I do ask, she tells me, at length and with very bad grammar, how every one of our colleagues and partners is either stupid, rude or out to get her. FML

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By Good Parenting? - 26/6/2015 16:38 - United States - Columbia

Today, my mother woke me up by putting a beer on my face. After 15 minutes of her telling me to "just take a sip" and me rejecting it, I finally did just to shut her up. She then yelled at me for giving in to "peer pressure". FML

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By TimeForACareerChange - 18/7/2012 00:54 - United States

Today, I told a patient that we needed to collect a stool sample. I left the room momentarily to retrieve what the patient would need. He apparently didn't need anything besides the counter in the exam room. FML

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By slut - 2/7/2010 01:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother screamed at me for half an hour, calling me a slut because she found a black lacy thong in my boyfriend's bed. I didn't have the heart to tell her it wasn't mine. FML

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By Mr. E - 14/11/2018 17:30

Today, as I was teaching my 10th grade biology honors class, a student came in with a dead frog and asked if we could dissect it. He tried to toss it to me and missed, so it landed in a girl's lap. She threw up all over me. FML

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By Sam - 21/5/2009 02:17 - Canada

Today, I ordered more memory and a new hard drive for my computer. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. FML

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By Insomnia - 16/2/2019 00:00

Today, while trying to sleep after a night shift, workers came to hook up city sewage service, firing up drills and shouting. An hour later, my child woke me up to tattle on her sister. Just as I was drifting to sleep yet again, the smoke alarm battery started chirping. I give up. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2017 16:38

Today, I went to Walmart with all my birthday money, which I had in a wallet with my permit and everything else. I was sat on a bench looking for items for my iPod Touch However… I left my wallet behind. Turns out an old couple stole it. I got my shit jacked by grandparents. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2019 02:00

Today, for the third time in as many months, I woke up early and got dressed up for our department’s networking breakfast, where I stood in the back with no seat and no food, while employees from other departments and less senior staff ate breakfast. My boss later asked me if the food was good. FML

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By ohfantastic - 25/1/2009 02:47 - United States

Today, I was sleeping with my boyfriend and woke up in his arms to hear him say "Mom, Mom." FML

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Top comments

By RecklessJellyBea | 7

#2580063 - Saturday 28 May 2011 19:48

Add more paint. Make it say "Scop Killam." Much less threatening.

By Tuesdaythe10th | 11

#2580047 - Saturday 28 May 2011 19:47

what a penis

COMMENTS

By smellysmurf | 0

#2580037 - Saturday 28 May 2011 19:46

first

By rebel128 | 5

#2580039 - Saturday 28 May 2011 19:46

first

By Hockeyboy4280 | 18

#2580040 - Saturday 28 May 2011 19:47

Spray paint over it? Idk about this one. FYL

futtbuck101 | 1

#2580177 - Saturday 28 May 2011 20:04

Well you might as well roll down your windows and jam some NWA

HyundaiOwner7 | 0

#2580764 - Saturday 28 May 2011 20:29

Or just put duct tape over it for the time being... that shit fixes anything

JacksonCampbell | 9

#2580825 - Saturday 28 May 2011 20:38

Well... OBVIOUSLY... we have a rapist here in Lincoln Park City.

bitterfaceplant | 0

#2580827 - Saturday 28 May 2011 20:38

sounds like you have a crazy ex

unluckiestperson_fml | 14

#2580888 - Saturday 28 May 2011 20:51

Worth a try I guess.

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#2580895 - Saturday 28 May 2011 20:52

What is it memorial weekend for???????????

aeshleyrose | 6

#2580937 - Saturday 28 May 2011 20:59

Futtbuck, I'm inclined to ask your advice on many more things following your post. Pure genius, my friend.

SunDropGirl | 0

#2581051 - Saturday 28 May 2011 21:25

oh 44 that just made my day!!!(:

bbucaro98 | 0

#2581053 - Saturday 28 May 2011 21:27

hes climbin in your windows

thorscope | 0

#2581057 - Saturday 28 May 2011 21:28

50- Monday Is memorial day in the us. it's a day to remember solders. making this memorial weekend

thorscope | 0

#2581059 - Saturday 28 May 2011 21:28

50- Monday Is memorial day in the us. it's a day to remember solders. making this memorial weekend

imacreeper | 3

#2581094 - Saturday 28 May 2011 21:38

What's us? you mean US?

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#2581130 - Saturday 28 May 2011 21:46

Bahd grahmer ftw!!!

No but seriously, how do you NOT know what Memorial Day is about if you speak english?

pinkspaceboundro | 0

#2581146 - Saturday 28 May 2011 21:51

united states!!!!

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#2581169 - Saturday 28 May 2011 21:55

So snatch your kids

asianive | 0

#2581290 - Saturday 28 May 2011 22:29

lmfao

imacreeper | 3

#2581384 - Saturday 28 May 2011 23:03

I know what "US or USA" means but 67 wrote it as us an I read it as us.

PurpleRae420 | 0

#2581484 - Saturday 28 May 2011 23:34

Haha 18 yah blast FUCK THA POLICE lol nah just don't go anywhere or call someone to come pick you up and tell them what happened!

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#2581608 - Sunday 29 May 2011 0:06

thanks in Britain the main memorial day is in November for the world war. there's was no need to thumb me down for asking a honest question

rawrinbear | 0

#2581782 - Sunday 29 May 2011 0:58

101.. you make even my shit cry youre so stupid. no one cares, stop trying to be a smart ass and go read a dictionary or something.

JohannMedina | 0

#2581859 - Sunday 29 May 2011 1:20

115, says the guy who can't spell "You're" correctly.

rawrinbear | 0

#2581881 - Sunday 29 May 2011 1:25

ill spell it correctly this time.. you're a fuck tard.

rawrinbear | 0

#2581910 - Sunday 29 May 2011 1:33

117 oh && says the guy that's too stupid to realize i'm a girl.

bitchslapped22 | 14

#2582280 - Sunday 29 May 2011 4:43

imacreeper- From these comments and previous ones, I have to consider you being my least favorite person on FML.

Jonnieonit | 0

#2582701 - Sunday 29 May 2011 8:30

A memorial can be for many things, usually people or events and they usually differ around the world according to local history. Read a book.

MerrikBarbarian | 9

#2582860 - Sunday 29 May 2011 10:16

because it's an American holiday? did you know there is lots of countries that speak English which are not the USA and have different holidays then you? you even share a border with one. :p

fightingkittens | 39

#3060985 - Monday 8 August 2011 3:15

50, your stupidity is unbelievably mind-boggling. How could you not know that OP's neighborhood was memorializing the mass suicide of the ambidextrous phbutnjacs? Fuck.

By limepinklis | 0

#2580042 - Saturday 28 May 2011 19:47

I think I might just go do that...right now.

IgnorantAmerican | 0

#2581339 - Saturday 28 May 2011 22:48

lmao

SoloAutotunE | 17

#6465312 - Thursday 19 November 2015 20:22

So you post the confession to the crime on a social app where everyone can see

By Tuesdaythe10th | 11

#2580047 - Saturday 28 May 2011 19:47

what a penis

lifeisaterriblem | 6

#2581354 - Saturday 28 May 2011 22:55

Agreed. he's screwed.

agaba | 0

#2582379 - Sunday 29 May 2011 5:22

nervana much? haha go slim shady :D

jayfish7 | 0

#2582697 - Sunday 29 May 2011 8:27

5-It's that little thing attached to the body of the baby in the Nirvana album that is your profile picture

By RecklessJellyBea | 7

#2580063 - Saturday 28 May 2011 19:48

Add more paint. Make it say "Scop Killam." Much less threatening.

calenzelon | 6

#2580112 - Saturday 28 May 2011 19:55

win

Yinky | 6

#2580775 - Saturday 28 May 2011 20:30

Lmao. Definitely a lot more threatening sounds like a terrorist name. :P

Link5794 | 16

#2582222 - Sunday 29 May 2011 4:01

I think a better idea would be to call the cops.

By smellysmurf | 0

#2580065 - Saturday 28 May 2011 19:48

and second

By fuff_fml | 4

#2580074 - Saturday 28 May 2011 19:50

oh crap :O that's no good

By wisericky | 12

#2580086 - Saturday 28 May 2011 19:51

You will make lots of new friends with your new paint job!

epyk_pryncess | 8

#2581340 - Saturday 28 May 2011 22:48

... shut it Ricky. usually you say things that are creative and witty and hilarious... for this comment I hate you. :) jk

randomguy1millon_fml | 0

#2581664 - Sunday 29 May 2011 0:18

what?

wisericky | 12

#2582479 - Sunday 29 May 2011 6:00

i love you too Epyk, here is a sandwhich.

epyk_pryncess | 8

#2582680 - Sunday 29 May 2011 8:11

oooh a sandwich.... thanks! now finish my laundry!!!

m0rgana | 0

#2582696 - Sunday 29 May 2011 8:27

epyk nice tattoo its really cool lookin :)

FML_Elle | 17

#4861293 - Sunday 26 August 2012 5:31

I thought your username for a second was wisecrack XD

By myxcure | 2

#2580088 - Saturday 28 May 2011 19:51

Um.. report the vandalism?

eragon2262 | 6

#2581997 - Sunday 29 May 2011 2:32

what are the cops gonna do? laugh? most times something is vandalized no one gets caught so no point in filling out the paperwork

myxcure | 2

#2582218 - Sunday 29 May 2011 4:01

Except in this case.. If OP was pulled over after having reported the incident, then the likelihood that OP would be "in trouble" would be minimal.

diehard430 | 0

#2582898 - Sunday 29 May 2011 10:52

they wont do anything lol..

shamille | 5

#2592169 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 7:17

Maybe if he reports it he can get insurance to pay for repainting? idk.