Transportation: Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the...

By mperh - 28/05/2011 12:46 - United States

Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the place watching for speeders and drunks. Some complete dickhead decided to spray paint "cop killa" on the side of my car. It won't come off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 823

You deserved it 3 228

Transportation

Our house, in the middle of our street

Best teeth in the game

The grind mindset

By anonymous - 30/01/2018 06:00

Today, I ended up in an awkward position during sex and dislocated my knee. My wife accused me of doing it on purpose to criticize her for being too fat and heavy for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 285

You deserved it 508

By Talis - 12/01/2016 13:24 - United States - Eureka

Today, at work, a drunk demanded a salad dressing we don't have. He marched into my kitchen and demanded I make it for him. When I said we didn't have the ingredients, he pushed the microwave over and stormed out. My boss came in and wrote me up for being "pushy and rude to customers". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 219

You deserved it 1 457

By obnum - 24/05/2013 12:26 - United States - New York

Today, after months of being pestered to do so, I finally read the first Harry Potter book. I hated it. Upon hearing this, my girlfriend posted the fact on Facebook, where I immediately received tons of abuse and eventual shunning by my friends, family, and coworkers. My girlfriend just laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 128

You deserved it 45 760

Crazy best friend

By Anonymous - 05/12/2019 18:00

Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, and my drunk best friend knocked on our door. We screamed 'go away' and she still opened the door. She then saw us, and asked if she can join. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 579

You deserved it 701

By ohgodwhy - 20/04/2012 20:24 - United States

Today, I spent hours baking an apple pie to impress my future mother-in-law. I was especially proud of the fact I'd made the crust and filling myself. When I served it to her, she picked off the crust and, between mouthfuls, bitched that it was nothing like canned pie filling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 479

You deserved it 2 081

By Noname - 14/03/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, my Christian boyfriend of six months broke up with me. I had told him when we started dating that I was an atheist, and he just now decided to look up what it is. He gave me a bible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 738

You deserved it 17 777

By strwbrry - 27/12/2010 02:29 - United States

Today, I came home early, and my boyfriend's car was in my driveway. Inside, he was talking to my parents. He walked right past me and left. My mother then says "He wanted me to tell you it's over." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 213

You deserved it 2 841

By Anonymous - 17/11/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. The other party left the scene immediately after without exchanging insurance information. Deer can be so rude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 503

You deserved it 8 746

By Anonymous - 19/05/2012 23:20 - Sri Lanka - Piliyandala

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said it was because my mom's lazy eye creeps him out, and that my dad hates him. She doesn't have a lazy eye, he's never met my dad, never seen my mom, and now according to his friends, he's been cheating on me for the past two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 991

You deserved it 2 534

By SydIsPrettyCool - 04/08/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 082

You deserved it 3 380

By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 09:01 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, I worked 24 hours straight fixing my company's servers. After it was over, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and promptly fell asleep at my desk. My boss found me an hour later, refused to listen to me, and fired me for sleeping on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 517

You deserved it 4 649

By bras r expensive ppl - 27/01/2017 16:00

Today, I realized I was at a top quality ski resort when, while riding the lift, I counted three bras which appeared to have been thrown into the trees from the lift. My little brother counted eight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 093

You deserved it 699

Weird flex, but OK

By gotmon3y - 07/04/2009 16:12 - United States

Today, I was at the beach walking on the boardwalk without a shirt on. Two cute girls are walking my way and I decide to try and impress them by flexing my abs. While I flexed them, I accidentally let a fart out that everyone heard. Everybody, including the girls, laughed hysterically at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 913

You deserved it 81 740

By iwantaraise - 14/10/2015 01:55 - Australia

Today, while on the job as a cop, I was breaking up a loud house party. We were just doing one final check of the house, we walked into the bathroom to find a kid furiously wanking in the bath. This isn't the first time I've seen something like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 193

You deserved it 3 039

By benander - 15/09/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom defecating when I felt something hanging there. I reached back with toilet paper and starting pulling it out inch by inch; 3 feet later I learned I had a tapeworm. Worst of all, no pharmacy has the med the doctor prescribed. I have to live with this thing until the med gets here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 837

You deserved it 4 090

By Iwtumn - 30/04/2015 18:15 - Austria - Deutschlandsberg

Today, a guy asked me for my number. Now I deeply regret giving it to him, because he won't stop sending me Bible quotes and pictures of Jesus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 974

You deserved it 7 156

By anon mom - 12/05/2016 00:06 - United States - Manassas

Today, my 9 year-old daughter had really bad constipation. When I took her to the doctor, he had to 'break it up' with a gloved finger, and then he sent me home with directions on how to administer an enema. I do not recommend trying to give an enema to a kid that doesn't want one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 664

You deserved it 953

By angel grace - 15/02/2018 15:00

Today, I woke up feeling ill. My mom sent me to school anyway, and grounded me for "lying" about being sick. As soon as I got to school, I began vomiting blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 051

You deserved it 237

By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 04:13 - United States

Today, at my new job, I took some food out to a customer. Walking away, I heard a lady mumble, "Oh my God, you could never pay me enough to wear that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 488

You deserved it 3 527

Can't buy me love

By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 04:02 - Japan - Okayama

Today, I realized while paying bills on my phone I fat-fingered which credit card I was paying and sent 299 to a paid-off card instead of 200 to another one. Now I'm going to have overdraft fees too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 619

You deserved it 397

Fire!

By Mel Cluze - 22/10/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were spending the night at a hotel. We were awoken at 3 a.m. by the fire alarm. We quickly got dressed, went down the stairs to the reception area… and were told that it was a false alarm. All because some jerk lit a cigarette in his room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 509

You deserved it 125

By Jumanji - 12/12/2008 06:05 - France

Today, I opened my laptop in the train to watch a good film I had downloaded. Of course, it was a fake and the whole carriage was allowed to watch and hear five seconds of butt licking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 916

You deserved it 11 966

By pleasekillme - 19/04/2013 11:44 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, it has been over 3 months since my housemates ended their 1 month long relationship. He's still creepily obsessed with her. He picked the bathroom lock when I was in the shower and tried to get in, and then called me a "fucking c*nt" when he realised it was me in there, not her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 024

You deserved it 4 440

Ratatouille

By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 08:02

Today, after my house almost got broken into last week, when I heard some noises in the kitchen I went to investigate. I saw a huge rat run across my floor, and nearly peed myself thinking it was an intruder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 940

You deserved it 151

Not now, Yoda

By iwassoclose - 10/04/2013 16:32 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I told him I was close to having an orgasm. He smirked and started talking like Yoda, saying, "Strong with the cum, this one is." Orgasm gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 617

You deserved it 8 774

By tannarox - 28/01/2012 15:46 - United States

Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this when my cat projectile-vomited a soggy, death-scented wad of dark fur and tiny organs onto the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 718

You deserved it 2 537

By blink_kid - 10/08/2012 12:57 - United Kingdom - Bathgate

Today, my boyfriend, who lives 100 miles away and whom I haven't seen in 2 months, told me he was visiting my city with some friends. I assumed this was an opening to an invitation, but no, he just asked me about the best places to get drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 612

You deserved it 3 219

By Anonymous - 17/07/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I got an email from a local company looking to have a website made. I looked over their request and provided them with a reasonable offer. I got an email back stating that they would like to pay me with liquor instead of money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 086

You deserved it 4 266

By deewe - 13/05/2012 06:06 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I planned to go on a date with a man I met online. He came to my apartment to pick me up, and I told him I'd be right out as I grabbed my purse. When I got outside, he was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 248

You deserved it 4 326

By Kourou - 21/11/2008 12:53 - France

Today, I went to rent a DVD with my 85-year-old grandpa. I was walking around and then realized I was alone. I looked for him for quite a while until I finally found him open-mouthed in the porn section. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 134

You deserved it 3 009

By youdontknowmewhy - 29/06/2015 07:42 - United States - Keller

Today, I was called a selfish brat for asking for a pillow as my birthday present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 794

You deserved it 2 103

By kill me - 31/01/2009 15:30 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and while trying to make a dramatic exit, I slammed his car door, slipped on the ice and landed on my back in front of a large crowd of onlookers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 114

You deserved it 8 736

By Anonymous - 06/08/2019 02:00

Today, I stubbed my toe, and as I was hopping about clutching my toe and swearing like a drunken sailor, I turned and saw my boss, our CEO and pretty much the entire board of directors through the boardroom's open door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 404

You deserved it 483

By Anonymous - 24/03/2019 22:00

Today, I caught a ride with a coworker in their brand new mercedes. They spent the drive passionately talking about how it made them a better driver and all the people that say otherwise are idiots. After running three stop signs and nearly sideswiped a mini-van I decided to walk the last mile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 124

You deserved it 155

Classic story

By Anonymous - 06/04/2021 16:00 - United States - Wilton

Today, I’m getting so old that the local radio station that plays the “old classics” is playing songs I listened to in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 809

You deserved it 135

By ShowOff - 11/03/2010 08:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to demonstrate to my friend how laughably dull our kitchen knives are by swiping one across my palm. Turns out Dad noticed the problem yesterday and sharpened them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 163

You deserved it 53 369

By hoboman - 02/09/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I was turned down from my dream job at a graphic design firm. Before the interview, concerned about my hobo style would not impress the company, I shaved, cut my long hair, and even bought a suit. They said I wasn't "free-spirited and creative enough." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 445

You deserved it 6 712

By Quackers - 11/04/2012 15:39 - United States - Denver

Today, while running in the park, I noticed some ducks in a pond. I stopped to look at them and began quacking at them, to see if they would react. This would have been OK had I not been wearing ear-buds, blasting music, making me unable to realize just how loud I was quacking. With people all around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 489

You deserved it 37 201

By ouchmytits - 28/03/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, I was cooking, and I took a pot of boiling water to the sink to drain. My pot holder slipped, and the boiling water spilled all over my breasts. Second degree boob burns are bad, but losing half a nipple to potato salad is worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 661

You deserved it 4 560

By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 21:31 - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, let's just say it's not always a good idea to storm into your mum's bedroom after hearing several loud slaps accompanied by yelps. What sounds like domestic violence might just be your mum and step-dad's foreplay. For Christ's sake, I need brain bleach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 215

You deserved it 9 696

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Top comments

RecklessJellyBea 7

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Saturday 28 May 2011 19:48

Add more paint. Make it say "Scop Killam." Much less threatening.

Tuesdaythe10th 11

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Saturday 28 May 2011 19:47

what a penis

smellysmurf 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 19:46

first

rebel128 5

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Saturday 28 May 2011 19:46

first

Hockeyboy4280 18

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Saturday 28 May 2011 19:47

Spray paint over it? Idk about this one. FYL

futtbuck101 1

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Saturday 28 May 2011 20:04

Well you might as well roll down your windows and jam some NWA

HyundaiOwner7 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 20:29

Or just put duct tape over it for the time being... that shit fixes anything

JacksonCampbell 9

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Saturday 28 May 2011 20:38

Well... OBVIOUSLY... we have a rapist here in Lincoln Park City.

bitterfaceplant 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 20:38

sounds like you have a crazy ex

unluckiestperson_fml 14

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Saturday 28 May 2011 20:51

Worth a try I guess.

Feklfekl2222 32

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Saturday 28 May 2011 20:52

What is it memorial weekend for???????????

aeshleyrose 6

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Saturday 28 May 2011 20:59

Futtbuck, I'm inclined to ask your advice on many more things following your post. Pure genius, my friend.

SunDropGirl 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 21:25

oh 44 that just made my day!!!(:

bbucaro98 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 21:27

hes climbin in your windows

thorscope 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 21:28

50- Monday Is memorial day in the us. it's a day to remember solders. making this memorial weekend

thorscope 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 21:28

50- Monday Is memorial day in the us. it's a day to remember solders. making this memorial weekend

imacreeper 3

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Saturday 28 May 2011 21:38

What's us? you mean US?

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Saturday 28 May 2011 21:46

Bahd grahmer ftw!!! No but seriously, how do you NOT know what Memorial Day is about if you speak english?

pinkspaceboundro 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 21:51

united states!!!!

A7X_LoVeee 10

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Saturday 28 May 2011 21:55

So snatch your kids

asianive 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 22:29

lmfao

imacreeper 3

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Saturday 28 May 2011 23:03

I know what "US or USA" means but 67 wrote it as us an I read it as us.

PurpleRae420 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 23:34

Haha 18 yah blast FUCK THA POLICE lol nah just don't go anywhere or call someone to come pick you up and tell them what happened!

Feklfekl2222 32

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Sunday 29 May 2011 0:06

thanks in Britain the main memorial day is in November for the world war. there's was no need to thumb me down for asking a honest question

rawrinbear 0

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Sunday 29 May 2011 0:58

101.. you make even my shit cry youre so stupid. no one cares, stop trying to be a smart ass and go read a dictionary or something.

JohannMedina 0

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Sunday 29 May 2011 1:20

115, says the guy who can't spell "You're" correctly.

rawrinbear 0

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Sunday 29 May 2011 1:25

ill spell it correctly this time.. you're a fuck tard.

rawrinbear 0

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Sunday 29 May 2011 1:33

117 oh && says the guy that's too stupid to realize i'm a girl.

bitchslapped22 14

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Sunday 29 May 2011 4:43

imacreeper- From these comments and previous ones, I have to consider you being my least favorite person on FML.

Jonnieonit 0

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Sunday 29 May 2011 8:30

A memorial can be for many things, usually people or events and they usually differ around the world according to local history. Read a book.

MerrikBarbarian 9

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Sunday 29 May 2011 10:16

because it's an American holiday? did you know there is lots of countries that speak English which are not the USA and have different holidays then you? you even share a border with one. :p

fightingkittens 39

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Monday 8 August 2011 3:15

50, your stupidity is unbelievably mind-boggling. How could you not know that OP's neighborhood was memorializing the mass suicide of the ambidextrous phbutnjacs? Fuck.

limepinklis 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 19:47

I think I might just go do that...right now.

IgnorantAmerican 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 22:48

lmao

SoloAutotunE 17

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Thursday 19 November 2015 20:22

So you post the confession to the crime on a social app where everyone can see

Tuesdaythe10th 11

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Saturday 28 May 2011 19:47

what a penis

lifeisaterriblem 6

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Saturday 28 May 2011 22:55

Agreed. he's screwed.

agaba 0

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Sunday 29 May 2011 5:22

nervana much? haha go slim shady :D

jayfish7 0

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Sunday 29 May 2011 8:27

5-It's that little thing attached to the body of the baby in the Nirvana album that is your profile picture

RecklessJellyBea 7

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Saturday 28 May 2011 19:48

Add more paint. Make it say "Scop Killam." Much less threatening.

calenzelon 6

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Saturday 28 May 2011 19:55

win

Yinky 6

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Saturday 28 May 2011 20:30

Lmao. Definitely a lot more threatening sounds like a terrorist name. :P

Link5794 18

Sunday 29 May 2011 4:01

I think a better idea would be to call the cops.

smellysmurf 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 19:48

and second

fuff_fml 4

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Saturday 28 May 2011 19:50

oh crap :O that's no good

wisericky 12

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Saturday 28 May 2011 19:51

You will make lots of new friends with your new paint job!

epyk_pryncess 8

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Saturday 28 May 2011 22:48

... shut it Ricky. usually you say things that are creative and witty and hilarious... for this comment I hate you. :) jk

randomguy1millon_fml 0

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Sunday 29 May 2011 0:18

what?

wisericky 12

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Sunday 29 May 2011 6:00

i love you too Epyk, here is a sandwhich.

epyk_pryncess 8

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Sunday 29 May 2011 8:11

oooh a sandwich.... thanks! now finish my laundry!!!

m0rgana 0

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Sunday 29 May 2011 8:27

epyk nice tattoo its really cool lookin :)

FML_Elle 17

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Sunday 26 August 2012 5:31

I thought your username for a second was wisecrack XD

myxcure 2

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Saturday 28 May 2011 19:51

Um.. report the vandalism?

eragon2262 6

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Sunday 29 May 2011 2:32

what are the cops gonna do? laugh? most times something is vandalized no one gets caught so no point in filling out the paperwork

myxcure 2

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Sunday 29 May 2011 4:01

Except in this case.. If OP was pulled over after having reported the incident, then the likelihood that OP would be "in trouble" would be minimal.

diehard430 0

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Sunday 29 May 2011 10:52

they wont do anything lol..

shamille 5

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 7:17

Maybe if he reports it he can get insurance to pay for repainting? idk.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 39

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100

You deserved it 26

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 417

You deserved it 24

Crazy best friend

Weird flex, but OK

Can't buy me love

Fire!

Ratatouille

Not now, Yoda

Classic story

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