Today, I was with my girlfriend in her room. She starts screaming.... - FML

By spiderhater - 12/4/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend in her room. She starts screaming. Her father bursts in and, thinking I'm some kind of rapist, hits me in the head with a baseball bat. Not bad enough? I wasn't the one making her scream. There was a huge spider on the wall. FML

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By that girl - 8/4/2014 23:06 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML

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By BDSM4Jesus - 20/1/2015 04:42 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, while trying some new kinky things with my boyfriend, he cried out, "Call me Jesus!" Yeah... I think we're done with that. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 00:01

He's still got it

Today, my dad got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

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By lalalasmiles06 - 4/9/2010 03:47

Today, I put a tampon in. The string broke. I had to go to the hospital to get it out. FML

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By verasam01 - 25/2/2011 00:37 - United States

Today, I took a picture of myself and put it on Facebook. After I did so, I realized that in the background, you can see my crush's Facebook page up on my laptop. He tagged himself. FML

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By Samantha - 30/10/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I went to see Paranormal Activity 2 with my boyfriend. In hopes of him putting his arm around me or holding my hand, I told him that I was very scared and pretended to cry a little. He told me to be quiet because I was ruining the movie for him. Then he moved seats. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2014 19:31 - United States - Round Rock

Today, my grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer. We're very close, and I called my boyfriend, really needing some support. I'd barely told him what had happened, when he replied, "Babe, I'm in the middle of a game here. Call me later." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2016 14:09 - United States - Concord

Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML

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By I piss upon thee - 13/5/2016 18:35 - United States - Toledo

Today, I got a warning for not covering a shift, on my day off, for someone who didn't want to go to work. Apparently the next time I “do something wrong", I'll either get warned again or fired, whichever they feel like doing. FML

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By chinesef000d - 29/8/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I was sleeping in my apartment when I woke up to the smell of smoke. Alarmed, I ran out to the kitchen to find my roommates trying to put out a fire on the stove. As soon as they saw me, they ran for it, informing me that it was my problem now. They used my good frying pan. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 10:27 - Australia - Box Hill South

Today, in thanks for my assistance, a customer recommended me a plastic surgeon who could "really help with that face." FML

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By nocakeforyou! - 15/3/2011 13:11

Today, I came home to my drunk husband, to find that he raided our fridge and freezer to soothe his beer munchies. That would have been fine, had he not eaten the top tier of our wedding cake I'd been saving to eat on our first wedding anniversary, which is in 4 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2014 14:45 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, my commitment issues were perfectly illustrated when I couldn't put a nail in the wall to hang a painting, because, "What if I change my mind?" FML

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By elrjay - 20/6/2017 02:00 - Spain - Madrid

Today, I'm laying in my holiday apartment with the patio doors open, listening to the german man next door take dirty pics of his wife on the balcony. I'm too scared to get up and shut the door. FML

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By brichard22 - 12/7/2015 14:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took away my 8-year-old daughter's toy for throwing it too many times. She then said, "I need a beer." FML

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By EnglishLearner - 9/11/2012 16:23 - Switzerland - Mannedorf

Today, I had to present a program to my supervisors in University. Not being a native English speaker, I used my own invented abbreviations for parameters in the program. Apparently STD is not an appropriate abbreviation for "standard deviation." I can still hear them laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2010 01:11 - United States

Today, a soldier in my unit had unknowingly lost a GPS in the woods and my section was sent to go find it. After hours of wading through chest high swamps in 32 degree weather, the GPS was found, thanks to the soldier who lost it. It was in his vest. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2013 17:42 - Pakistan

Today, I'm 5 months pregnant. My 20-year-old boyfriend still refuses to tell his parents because he thinks he'll get in trouble. He thinks we can get away with "never telling them and just hiding the kid." FML

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By stupidrobot - 3/9/2015 20:14 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had to complete a simple math problem to submit a web form in order to show that I wasn't a spam robot. I got it wrong. I'm officially too bad at arithmetic to prove I'm human. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 11:02 - Canada - Courtenay

Supply and demand

Today, I spotted my dad watching a wildlife/nature video. I pointed out to him that the animal on the screen was critically endangered; he rebutted by telling me that it's impossible for the animal on the screen to go extinct because people keep hunting it. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2014 19:44 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my dog got so excited about a new toy that she vomited all over it. I had to clean up the vomit, throw away the toy, and now have a very sad dog. FML

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By fuzzle003 - 13/6/2012 12:47 - Australia - Canberra

Today, I finally bought the expensive but beautifully stylish dress I've been eyeing for ages online. Ten minutes later, I went back to check the shoes the model was wearing so I could coordinate my outfit. The dress had been reduced to half price. FML

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By caterinette - 27/11/2014 02:04 - Portugal

Today, it was my turn to open the bar I work at. As I walked into our terrace, I found our insane upstairs neighbour leaving the scene without a word. This was right before I spotted the steaming pile of dung she'd left behind. FML

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By mylove - 1/5/2009 02:50 - United States

Today, my daughter said "I love you mom", to me for the first time I can remember. She is 16 years old. She said it because I bought her first thong. FML

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By poop - 3/4/2013 18:45

Today, my sister gave my laptop away and dumped a pile of her hamster's turds on my bed. All of this because I flushed the toilet while she was in the shower last night. FML

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By anonymous - 14/9/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML

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By Kalaina - 25/10/2009 04:36 - France

Today, I received a three-time forwarded message which I thought would turn out to be a random chain message. Turns out my boyfriend didn't want to send me the "break-up text" himself and figured it would get to me eventually after sending it to all my best friends. FML

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By Snow - 7/2/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, while I was trying to take off my eye make up, I accidentally used nail polish remover. FML

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By datgirl92 - 24/5/2013 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my friends and I were talking about the creepy stranger that used to stalk me back in high school. I guess his looks changed a lot through the years because I found out that he's my current boyfriend of 4 months. FML

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By ashleylynn17 - 25/2/2014 21:59

Today, I was told I pull the "whole grunge look" off quite well. I don't dress "grunge", nor was that my intention. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2016 06:59 - United States - Atwater

Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML

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By sigh - 24/1/2009 01:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend showed his mother photos of me. He told her that he thinks I'm pretty. She said that I look like a celebrity from her country (Korea). Flattered, I online searched this celebrity, and turns out she is a local porn star who's undergone multiple cosmetic surgeries. FML

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By asdf1851 - 18/2/2009 08:35 - United States

Today, I let my friend who is in 'beauty school' do my hair. I now look like i have a mullet. What was supposed to be auburn highlights is now hot pink. I have a job interview in the morning. FML

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By notaguidette - 23/1/2010 19:47 - United States

Today, I weighed myself. When I was fifteen, my mom yelled at me, saying that I was going to end up being 200 pounds by the time I was forty. Well, mom, you're wrong. At this rate I'll be 200 pounds by the time I'm twenty. FML

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By Broeman - 13/9/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, I found some charges on my credit card for two round trip tickets to Las Vegas. Turns out my daughter and her stoner, unemployed boyfriend stole my credit card and flew to Vegas over the weekend to get married. I paid for my daughter's elopement. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 17:53 - Canada

Today, I am pregnant, and my boyfriend dumped me, saying that he didn't want to be stuck in anything too serious. FML

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By kiwibox - 26/10/2013 01:50 - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, my dog had an upset stomach and diarrhea. To avoid a mess on the carpet, I confined her to a gated area in the kitchen with sheets over the floor, so any mess could be cleaned up easily. Instead of going on the sheets, she sprayed shit all up the walls. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2013 15:51 - United States - South Sioux City

Today, I told my family I was divorcing my husband. My little sister asked if "we can keep him instead". FML

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By wvugirl - 19/4/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he thinks about long term relationships. He said, "Our relationship is kinda like having a dog. Chances are, your dog is going to die pretty quickly, before you do. Dogs and humans just aren't meant to be together forever." He compared me to a dying dog. FML

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Top comments

By Aera_fml | 0

#105651 - Sunday 12 April 2009 22:35

Argh. I hate spiders SO much. I usually am the one people go to, though. Anyways, her father obviously doesn't trust you much. Poor you. ~_~

By Pitaace | 0

#105687 - Sunday 12 April 2009 22:41

at least he didn't shoot you

COMMENTS

By Aera_fml | 0

#105651 - Sunday 12 April 2009 22:35

Argh. I hate spiders SO much. I usually am the one people go to, though. Anyways, her father obviously doesn't trust you much. Poor you. ~_~

Reply

responses | 0

#809446 - Saturday 30 January 2010 15:50

metal or wood?

Reply

bobnorris | 0

#897481 - Saturday 27 February 2010 15:35

slap a ho!!!

Reply

nosedive1994 | 0

#981260 - Sunday 18 April 2010 8:21

that must have been pretty awkward for him when you woke up and she explained it

Reply

Thabb | 0

#988734 - Thursday 6 May 2010 3:09

You can't be with someone ( at least when you're not an adult yet ) if they have shitty parents like that

Reply

snagglepaste | 0

#1019923 - Saturday 5 June 2010 6:22

#147 haha that's so important

Reply

DiscountDJ25 | 0

#1151638 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 7:55

Tonight's "Oh Shit!" moment is brought to you by Louisville Sluggers!

...And spiders.

Reply

DeepfriedT | 1

#1293150 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 4:03

153 I'm guessing wood because OP is still alive and can remember it happening. None the less FYL

By d0rkaSAUR | 0

#105659 - Sunday 12 April 2009 22:38

aw that sucks!
I'd scream too though, but I wouldn't my boyfriend to get hit -.-

By mutantcow | 0

#105670 - Sunday 12 April 2009 22:39

ouch.

By lawlawlawl | 0

#105671 - Sunday 12 April 2009 22:39

and your g.f couldnt explain to her dad that there was a spider on the wall? succcks balls

By disgustingroomie | 0

#105674 - Sunday 12 April 2009 22:40

obviously you're pretty trustworthy

By Alex_DeLarge | 0

#105676 - Sunday 12 April 2009 22:40

Today I was hanging out with my boyfriend in my room when I saw a giant spider and started freaking out. The next thing I know, my father bursts in the room and clubs my boyfriend in the head with a Louisville slugger. FML

By Jaxro | 6

#105677 - Sunday 12 April 2009 22:40

Hahahahaha, dude that's horrible. However, spiders are scary.

By deathbybutterfly | 0

#105679 - Sunday 12 April 2009 22:40

Have you never met her dad before? Or did you sneak into her room? I would think that he would have only hit you if he didn't know you were there..
that really sucks though.. :(

By ilikchips | 0

#105685 - Sunday 12 April 2009 22:41

dang lol that suckss

By Pitaace | 0

#105687 - Sunday 12 April 2009 22:41

at least he didn't shoot you

Reply

HateMySister | 6

#5726376 - Tuesday 22 October 2013 22:27

Optimism